tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM

a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic

Summary:
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.

RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!

Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.

A/N: So, in other news, how much mess do you think the simple act of replacing Pintel and Ragetti in the rowboat with me and Jamie is going to cause? Not much? We'll see, eh?

Chapter 10: Mischief on Isla Cruces (1371 words)

"Now, if you please," Jack said to Will, extending his hand. "The key." Will looked like he was about to give in. Then he stole Lizzie's sword.

"I keep the promises I make, Jake," he said, pointing his sword at Jack. "I intend to free my father. I hope you're here to see it."

"I can't let you do that, either," Norrie said, brandishing his sword. "So sorry."

"I knew you'd warm up to me eventually," Jack said to Norrie friendly. Only Norrie then turned and pointed his sword at Jack. Will moved to Norrie. Jack was the only one who wasn't pointing to anyone, so he pointed at the only safe person: Will.

"Lord Beckett desires the contents of that chest," Norrie explained. "I deliver it; I get my life back."

"Not quite, but you can think that, sure," I said.

"Ah, the dark side of ambition," Jack said.

"Oh, I prefer to think of it as the promise of redemption," Norrie said with a manic smile. Jamie snorted. Norrie stepped forward, starting the fight. Lizzie gasped, then tried to get them to stop fighting.

"Stop it!" she yelled a couple times. When Will got kicked in the chest, she ran over to him. "Will!"

"Guard the chest," he ordered.

"No!" she screamed. "This is barbaric! This is no way for grown men to settle – Oh, fine! Let's just haul out our swords and go banging away at each other. That will solve everything!"

"Actually..." I began, but didn't bother to finish.

"I've had it!" Lizzie went on. "I've had it with wobbly-legged, rum-soaked pirates!"

"You are one yourself," Jamie pointed out.

"Too true," I agreed. "Now, let's grab the chest while we can." Jamie nodded, and we each took a side and ran off.

"Enough!" Lizzie yelled. Then she tried her fainting technique. "Oh. Oh, the heat!"

"Sorry, Lizzie, that's not going to work. No one's making you wear a corset anymore," I called as Jamie and I headed off with the prize. "Head to the woods!" I called to her. "The guys will end up there eventually, and we can pilfer the key from them then!"

It was actually a pretty long run to the woods. It took a while because we were running on sand through about three inches of water most of the time. We were running through the woods perfectly contently once we got to them. Then, all of a sudden, Lizzie showed up in front of us. She reached for her sword... but Will had it. Jamie and I laughed.

"Nice one, Lizzie," I said. Jamie unsheathed her sword. Then, the giant wooden wheel with the guys on it came rolling by. "Get the key!" I yelled to Jamie. "It's hanging on a hook somewhere on the inside!" She nodded, and ran over to it. I sat down on the chest so that Lizzie couldn't steal it and so that I could watch. Jamie stole the key without much incident, and ran back over. As she did, Jack ran for the wheel.

"Got it!" Jamie said proudly.

"Okay, now this is gross but cool; you don't have to watch," I said to Lizzie. I knew Jamie wouldn't care. "Key," I requested. She handed it to me, and I put it in. The locks unlocked ominously. The wierd square pins in the top that never made any sense to me popped out. Cue dramatic music, I thought, and opened the chest.

I stared at it. It was a heart. We hadn't even gotten to doing a pig dissection in bio class yet, so I was prepared for the... goriness of it.

It was a frickin' beating heart!

Jamie and I stared at it. I marveled at the barnacles growing on it. (Had they grown before or after DJ'd cut it out? Either way, how did they get there?) It was a wierd, off-pink color. I would have expected it to be a darker red. Then again, this was DJ's heart we were talking about.

Even though it was absolutely, positively disgusting, I reach out and touched it. It felt sort of like a snake. It was the sliminess of one, anyway. However, it was wetter. I didn't want to know what it was wet with – blood, or DJ gut-slime, or just plain old sea water (but would that hurt? the salt and all? not to mention that the sea is like... the sea... and directly under the control of the Sea Goddess...).

I picked up the heart and put in a cloth bag I had remembered to bring. Then I shoved said bag into my pocket.

All of a sudden, Jack noticed something.

"THE BLOODY KEY'S MISSING!" he yelled. This, of course, reminded Will and Norrie about that key.

"YOU LOST THE KEY?!?" Will yelled.

"HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT ARE YOU, SPARROW?" Norrie yelled. I quickly shut the chest.

"Jamie, you might want to go help your brother live through this adventure," I said. She looked at me, at the chest, and at her brother. Then he ran off to aid in his not dying. Lizzie looked at me. "Help me carry this, would you?" She hesitated for half a second, then we each picked up a handle and ran. Fast.

We only beat the creep-os because we had a head start. Of course, that meant that Lizzie wouldn't get to do any of her awesome sword-wielding tricks. Of course, that meant that I wouldn't be forced to be eaten by the creep-os because I wouldn't be able to any of said awesome sword-wielding tricks. Good.

Ish.

I may have gotten Jack Sparrow accidentally killed by two characters I happened to really like in the process.

Suddenly, Jamie appeared running alongside Lizzie and I. "Lucy! I need the heart!"

"I need the heart!" I said.

"Will needs the heart!" Lizzie said.

"What do you need the heart for?" Jamie asked.

"Why should we give Will the heart?" I asked Lizzie.

"He made a promise!" Lizzie protested.

"He's just going to kill Jones!" Jamie replied. I turned to Jamie.

"Norrie needs the heart!" I explained.

"Jack needs the heart!" She said.

"Will needs the heart!" Lizzie interjected.

"I could use a second heart," I joked. My heart was pounding from the running.

"Give me the heart!" Jamie said.

"Make me!" I said. She unsheathed her sword.

"Kill him!" Lizzie yelled. Jamie and I looked where she was looking. A member of DJ's crew was almost upon us. Jamie stabbed him, then quickly yanked her sword out.

"Give me the heart!" Jamie yelled to me. Then Jack appeared.

"Give me the heart!" I looked at him. I looked at the wheel with the other two on it. They were back to fighting each other. I sighed and put down the chest. I tossed the heart to him.

"Use your dirt," I told him. He ran off towards our little boat.

"WHAT?!?" Jamie yelled. "I WAS GOING TO GIVE IT TO HIM!"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled.

"Guys?" Lizzie interrupted. She whined, reminding me of when she was whining to Will about the Kraken getting nearer. Jamie and I turned around. There were some crew-creatures very, very close to us.

"RUN!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, forgetting to pick back up the chest. Jamie got the handle that I didn't. Somehow, I managed to get back the energy to return to the boat. Jack was already there, fighting one of the crewmen. I somehow managed not to get any crewmen to follow me over to the boat. Sheer luck, or did they just know I was that useless?

The wheel came rolling through the crowd of semi-dead crew. I watched it, and I laughed at Will's... noble attempt to go help Lizzie. He fell over. Three times. It was as close to drunk as I thought I'd ever see him.

I glanced down into the little boat. I duck in Jack's jar of dirt until I found the heart. Well, the bag that contained the heart. Meanwhile, Norrie came over and dug in Jack's coat for the letters of marquee.

"You'll want some leverage," I said to him, holding out the bag with the heart.

A/N: Well. Sorry for the long wait, but I have whatever the equivalent of writer's block is when you have a script in front of you. Lack of inspiration? Yeah, I dunno what exactly it was. Anyway, now I have a new chapter.

And yes. I messed with the plot. On purpose. Well, Lucy Turnenbaumerumm didn't do it on purpose, per se, but I wrote her doing it wrong on purpose. Does that make sense at least?

Review. Please?