CHAPTER 9 My Jacob

My early hunt with grandpa Carlisle, my lost of appetite, momma Esme trying to make me feel better, mom and dad worrying and me trying to be alone. I wanted mom to know how I felt. What I felt. Because I myself couldn't clear it up. I know Jacob would tell me why I was feeling that way. I trust him that much. I love him. He's my best friend.

"I'm not neglecting you, Nessie," he looked at me straight in the eyes.

I felt I was going to break but I didn't want to shed tears in front of him. I looked away. I held on my quilt and pulled it up a bit for me to be able to let go of his hand. I didn't want to hold his hands. Okay, I did but I felt that I couldn't at the moment.

"Renesmee, look at me," he mentioned my whole name again. I didn't like it because when he did that, I feel so warm inside.

I stopped breathing trying to control myself but I ended up looking back at him again.

"As I said. You're my girl, Renesmee. No one can ever replace you. Please don't doubt that," I looked away again.

I really wanted to believe him entirely about that notion but something inside me was holding me back. I didn't know what he meant by that - I am his girl, that no one can ever replace me. I wanted to ask him what he meant by that but I couldn't face it. I didn't want to think what he really meant. I was afraid of something I'm not quite sure of.

"Please. I'm sorry, Renesmee. I didn't know you'd think I'm neglecting you," the magnetic voice of his pulled my gaze to his still apologizing ones.

I shook my head once. I didn't know what to say.

"At least say you don't doubt anything I said," he sighed pleading.

He looked regretful for making me feel that way though I wasn't sure if it really was his fault that I felt that way or if it's just me being selfish.

'Jacob. My Jacob,' I thought.

"I'm sorry," I whispered but I knew he heard it.

'I'm sorry for being selfish. You can make new friends. I won't interfere. I trust you. I don't doubt you.' I thought and wanted to say it aloud but my lips were trembling but he couldn't see it because it was dark. I' going to break if I open my mouth. I didn't want that to happen. I looked down to hide my face.

He suddenly looked away to the door and stood up. He let out a deep exhausted breath. He walked to the door.

"I haven't lied to you about anything, Renesmee."
"I've always told you the truth," he said in a very low voice before closing the door gently.

And I suddenly felt something inside me hurting. I couldn't breathe. When I tried to, it felt like a hole was being dug deeper in my chest. So like an impulse to the pain, I curled up to my side like a fetus in a mother's womb. I embraced my knees. My hands were trembling. I tried to stop them by doing so by holding tight to my quilt but it didn't work.

I felt like my soul was being ripped away from my body. Like I was split in half. My face was already wet in tears and so was my pillow. I felt so cold inside. I was alone.

"Why am I hurting like this?" I whispered to myself in the dark.

'' Jacob'' I whispered aloud.

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