I kn ow, it's been months. Kill me now :) Partly that was because I wrote it but it turned dark and not very funny, so I redid it . . . nah, I have no real excuses.
Enjoy!
Bob was beginning to regret informing the Death Eaters about his marriage counseling session. No; 'beginning to' he had bypassed long since. His nails were bitten to their beds, he had compulsively reorganized his desk at least six times now, and he even felt too sick to have lunch. He half wished the session was a morning one; at least then it could be over and done with. But then again, if he had had to deal with the Death Eaters this morning, he would have probably called in sick and gone back to sleep.
"There, there," Bob said consolingly, reaching out to awkwardly pat his sobbing client on the shoulder. "It's going to be all right . . . Matilda?"
"It's Martinildia!" she said indignantly, letting out a wail of regret. "And don't you tell me it's weird, Rob and I had to break up because he couldn't spell it on the marriage document!"
Bob felt rather proud of himself; besides a bemused expression, he didn't let slip his confusion whatsoever. He didn't even ask why this Rob would be writing Martinildia's name on their marriage document.
Valerie came in at just the right moment. "Looks like your time's up, Martinildia," she said gently. "I baked you some cookies to make you feel better." She held out a tray of obviously store-bought frosted sugar cookies, which was probably to the good. Bob had sampled some of Valerie's cooking after work one afternoon, and the next day he really did have to call in sick.
Still sobbing, Martinildia took one cookie and deftly swiped the rest into her purse, then dashed wailing in sorrow for the door. "Be sure to come back next week!" Valerie called after her. "And give us a nice review on Yelp!, would you?"
"Thank you, Valerie," Bob said, glancing at the clock. Either it was slow, or Martinildia was still due twenty-five minutes. Likely the former. "I owe you one."
"I know." Valerie leaned against the doorframe. "I've been saving you a lot recently, haven't I?" Bob nodded, unsure where this was going. "Have you reconsidered that raise I've asked for, then?"
Oh. Of course. The stupid raise. Didn't she understand that there was a very limited budget in this company, and Bob had chosen to spend his dues on sleek cushioned swivel chairs for the entire department?
"I have," he said slowly. "And I will . . . if you take the next session for me." The Death Eaters were said next session.
"Wasn't that Bellatrix woman coming?" Valerie asked. "But Bob, I couldn't. She trusts you, you see. If I, a complete stranger, had usurped your position . . . well, I'm not the one with the special emotional connection, am I?"
Bob was pretty sure the only thing Bellatrix had an emotional connection to was her knife, and possibly Voldemort, but he didn't say so. "If you're certain . . ."
"Fine, I'll do it," Valerie said. "For double what I requested."
"Double? That's ridiculous!"
"Then I suppose you'll be handling Bellatrix in her unwanted marriage on your own," Valerie said, glancing down the hall. "Oh, here they are now . . ."
"Tell them I'm not here," Bob said hastily.
"You're giving me my raise, then?"
"Yes! Just make sure none of them speak to me." This was the last session of the day . . . "I'm going home early."
"Alright, you've got yourself a deal," Valerie said, grinning. Bob tried to mirror it, then dashed past her, through the office and out the door. He didn't have to even look at any of the Death Eaters today!
The first pair to arrive was Lucius and a blonde woman who was presumably his wife. Valerie greeted them with a smile and directed them towards the sofa. "You're early," she said, "So let's wait for our other two pairs to arrive." Neither of them had anything to say to this, so she and they ignored each other in neutral silence.
Bellatrix and her unfortunate husband came not long after. She was as always bedecked with leather, while the man beside her wore a wrinkled pinstriped suit and close-cropped dark beard. The two of them ignored Valerie as snootily as Lucius and his spouse, but there was an almost Wormtail-like quality to the man's upturned nose. He was better than Valerie, yes, but only because he had been given permission to be.
"That's everyone, right?" Valerie said. Bob had cancelled the appointment for their usual clients; with the Death Eaters here, no one would make any progress.
"No," Bellatrix said, seating herself in the armchair once occupied by Voldemort. Her husband skulked behind her until she gestured absentmindedly towards a chair. "Oh, you're here too, Cissy?" she said.
Lucius' wife sniffed. "What did you expect?"
"I didn't think you needed counseling."
"We don't. Dark Lord's orders."
"Bellatrix," Valerie interrupted, "Who else is coming?"
"Fenrir," she said.
"Fenrir is married?" Valerie asked, hoping her voice was neutral. His poor wife! Then again, she couldn't see the man sweeping an innocent damsel off her feet - more likely the pair deserved each other.
"As of two days ago, yes," Bellatrix said, grinning. "Nasty woman. Seer, although not a very good one. Said she couldn't tell my fortune due to a massive hangover."
Two days, and already they need counseling? Why get married in the first place, then? Valerie wondered. She pursed her lips and said nothing.
A woman with frizzy brown hair poked her head into the room. "Excuse me," she said, adjusting enormous glasses. "Is this the marriage counseling room?"
"Indeed it is," Valerie said, smiling. "I am Valerie, and you must be . . .?"
"But Sybil, you already knew that," protested a rough voice. "Your clairvoyant reverbations." Fenrir stepped into the room. He had made an effort at looking presentable this time, Valerie noticed. Instead of the usual ripped and bloodied garments, he wore slacks only mildly specked with what could have been paint and a wrinkled blazer. The undershirt and tie which someone had done into a bow were a bit bloody, yes, but Valerie could forgive him that.
"You'll frighten the Muggles," his wife, Sybil, said coldly. Her getup was even more strange: bright skirts and a blouse that hung loosely on her slender frame, with numerous scarves, necklaces and bangles wherever there was space.
"There's only one Muggle here," Fenrir said. "Or are you . . .?"
"Stop it!" she snapped. She whirled dramatically away from him, but that only brought her face to face with the rest of the room. Hardly an improvement. The color drained from Sybil Trelawny's face as she realized she was surrounded by Death Eaters. "The fates warned me this would come!" she wailed.
Bellatrix yawned. "What time do we get out of here?"
"Everyone sit down," Valerie said tersely. "Now, or we will all sit on the floor."
Fenrir approached Rodolphus with a friendly but nastily condescending smile and sat beside him; Sybil sniffed, drew herself up haughtily, and resolutely marched to the other side of the room.
"Are we all good?" Valerie asked. Lucius's wife - Cissy - and Sybil nodded. Bellatrix threw something at Fenrir. "Alright. Now relax. Listen. Close your eyes if you'd like." Sybil made a show of doing so. "I know you have problems, else why would you come here? And we will solve those problems . . . with love. Think back to a time when you were in love, or more in love than you are now. I'll give you a few seconds, then we're going to share." She didn't ask if everyone got it. If they didn't, well, that was their problem.
Bellatrix threw something else at Fenrir and pantomimed blowing a whistle (at least, that's what Valerie hoped it was). He winced. Rodolphus closed his eyes.
"Fenrir, go sit by Sybil. Bellatrix, focus." He shifted a bit; Bellatrix ignored her. Valerie glared. "Now."
Fenrir moved.
Valerie suppressed a grin.
"Everyone ready?" A few nods. "Would anyone like to share?"
"You remember our wedding?" Lucius' wife murmured. Valerie cursed herself for not asking the woman's name, but it was too late now. Ah well. Maybe 'Cissy' wasn't a nickname reserved for friends and family.
"Like yesterday," Lucius replied, gazing at her with almost forced fondness.
"I loved you . . . I love you."
They snuggled closer and kissed. Bellatrix pretended to vomit.
Rodolphus dragged his chair right beside his wife's. He leaned over her arm, his expression an odd mix of 'refined man with baritone' and 'hopeful pleading puppy.' "I love you, Bella."
Fenrir was struck with an odd coughing fit. Bellatrix smiled. Too wide, showing too many teeth.
"Oh, Rod, remember when we first escaped from Azkaban?"
"Yes."
"And all those good emotions returned?"
"How could I forget?"
"I would have kissed Potter then, for a brief instant. I worshipped the ground I walked upon for longer. I loved you then." So many wicked teeth.
Rodolphus blinked, his face trying to mirror hers like a puppet, like he had nothing else to do, and his eyes were dark.
Bellatrix shook her head, a quiet giggle catching in her throat as she turned away.
Thinking that maybe she should have gone for private couples therapy, Valerie turned to the last pair. "Fenrir? Sybil?"
"Er," said Fenrir, looking suddenly awkward. No, not suddenly; a different kind of awkward. No longer was he viewing something that belonged behind closed doors; the attention was on him now. "Uh, I'm not sure that we ever were . . ."
"Don't say that!" Sybil said. "I saw it, in the stars. In the stars in your eyes."
"Saw what?"
"Our love."
Fenrir turned to Valerie apologetically. "We got married after three straight nights of hard drinking. I have absolutely no memory of it."
"I do," Sybil said. "I saw . . ."
"Our divorce? Written in the stars across my heart?"
She scowled.
"You are allowed to hit him," Bellatrix advised. She caught Valerie's disapproval. "What? He's only a werewolf."
"Right. Listen to Bellatrix," Fenrir said sarcastically. "You've seen how great her relationships go, she's definitely one to give ad -"
"Shut it," she snarled. "At least we've managed to live with one another for so many years. You won't last another day."
He raised an eyebrow. "Define 'live.'"
"Muggle woman?" Lucius said. "Ma'am?"
Valerie realized she probably should be breaking up the disputes at this point. "Yes, Lucius?"
"I really hate to cut short this wonderful time together, but Narcissa and I have a manicure scheduled," he said, rising without so much as a by-your-leave. Valerie considered stopping them . . . but what was the point? She squared her shoulders and avoided eye contact as Lucius and Narcissa paraded arm-in-arm out the door.
"Alright," Valerie said loudly, before Bellatrix and Fenrir could continue. "I'm going to be honest with you. Your marriage is rushed and fresh, so if ever there is a time for divorce, now would be ideal. Fenrir, you said you never were in love. Sybil thinks differently . . ."
"Sybil," said Fenrir, "walked down the aisle barefoot because she was too drunk to stand in heels."
"I thought you said you didn't remember it?" Bellatrix said slyly. "And I'd like to see you walk in heels sober."
"I'd like to see him sober at all," Sybil said sulkily.
"Do either of you feel in love?" Valerie asked, sighing.
A chorus of 'no's came from all three - apparently Bellatrix decided the question was for her as well.
"Then I would recommend divorce," Valerie said crisply. "This marriage is unheal-"
"Does it even count as marriage?" Bellatrix asked. "If they were both of them too out of their minds to take responsibility for their actions?"
"It does!" Sybil screeched.
"I have the ring right here!" Fenrir said indignantly, holding up his hand. Looking closer, he realized that he had in fact lost the ring, so he grabbed Sybil's hand to show instead.
"You didn't want to be married in the first place," Bellatrix said.
"You don't know that!"
"If you showing up on my doorstep, begging for hangover potion, screaming that you're married and need someplace to hide isn't enough . . ."
"Divorce is my final word," Valerie said. "Now, Bellatrix, Rodolphus . . ."
"They've switched the gender roles here," Fenrir cut in, "But Pureblood marriage is pretty much medieval."
"What do you mean by that?" Valerie asked.
"You know how the wife used to be property?"
"Hey!" Rodolphus said angrily. Fenrir grinned toothily at him.
"It's true," Bellatrix said, stretching like a cat. She looked at Valerie. "But if you want me to do anything about that, you're out of luck."
"She also che - OW!" Rodolphus cried out. Bellatrix had kicked him in the shins.
"Bellatrix!" Valerie snapped. "This violence of yours is tearing apart -"
"It may have escaped your notice," Bellatrix drawled, "But I'm not interes -"
"Then why are you here?" Valerie demanded.
"Dark Lord's orders," she said. Rodolphus pouted.
There was nothing to be done. "I can't fix things for you," Valerie said, reverting to therapist cliches, "You'll have to fix them for yourself. If you aren't willing to do that, you're wasting my time."
"/'m wasting your -" Bellatrix began indignantly.
"I skipped a class for this!" Sybil screeched.
"Please leave," said Valerie. Her tone was firm.
For a wonder, the Death Eaters & Co finally obeyed.
I am definitely using Death Eaters & Co again. Also, the next one is on bad childhoods, but it will be late like all the rest . . .
And I know I don't deserve it, but if a few reviews came my way . . .