Title: Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt
Author: Talitha Koum
Spoilers: Recent episodes.
Rating: PG-13 for mild language.
Word Count: 3000+
Disclaimer: I do not own The Big Bang Theory. Insert witticism here.

A/N: Blah, blah, errors. Blah, blah, blah.

ooo

Sheldon Cooper was an idiot.

He was familiar with stupidity. He knew what it felt like to be naïve. He knew what it felt like to be socially stunted. He knew what it felt like to make mistakes. But outright, intentional stupidity? Holy God. How could workaday people live with themselves, who seemed to him to be stuck on stupid? He would have wanted to hide from the world if he wasn't already imperceptible.

He was such an idiot.

What had he done? "I give up," he said again, unable to stop himself. This…thing…inside him. These feelings. These dreadful feelings! Thriving and multiplying and swelling inside his chest like a spiked balloon. He hurt, which made no sense. He was dead. He was dead. This wasn't happening. There was no, possible way for him…for his heart…for his soul…he was sure his self would split down the middle if he didn't...

Damn the sensitivity of the human soul. Damn it.

Sheldon never thought he would miss his body, a shell that limited his true potential, but he was wrong. It was no wonder, in some universes, he never fully understood his love for Penny. His body was in the way. Within his cagey frame, his rib-laden chest, was a spirit that beat to something wild and rampant and scary. So easy to ignore when the real world distracted him with everything he thought was important.

Sheldon raised his head. He looked Penny in the eye, hating how crazy she made him wish he were. He wanted-actually wanted-to venture into uncharted territory, no instructions, no plans, no nothing. He wanted to have her. He wanted to belong to her.

How could the soul be so selfish?

One glimpse and he knew. The soul was reserved. It was ultimately exclusive. It was a place where only Penny and God dwelled, blast the both of them. Sheldon wasn't used to not getting his way.

But.

This was different. What was he supposed to do? Point the finger at the powers that be? No. Was he supposed to admit how much he loved Penny, beyond himself? Beyond anything he had ever known even though he didn't know how or why? If he did, what then? He was dying. He was losing it. He was a goner. If Penny felt even a tenth of his obsession with her, it was going to be painful to separate. Would he make it worse?

He didn't care. He was angry he didn't care.

He wanted her. Now. He wanted to say something five minutes ago. He wanted.

He wanted!

If there was a God, what had he done to deserve this Hell?

Sheldon turned from Penny, weak from arguing with himself. "It's Halo Night."

ooo

Penny cast a sidelong glance at Sheldon. He sat in his spot on the couch, expertly toggling the joystick of his controller, the pad of his thumb gliding over the buttons. Click, click, click. She was confused. 'I give up,' he had said…and then powered his X-Box.

Penny went along with his diversion, feeling sick to her stomach. What had she gotten herself in to? In love? With a ghost? Penny craned her neck and moaned at the ceiling, feigning a stretch lest Sheldon wonder. But yeah. In love with a ghost. Or a being who might be a ghost. Whatever. Same difference. He was illusory and she was real. Very, very real. Real feelings, real life. She couldn't make up her mind. Would it be better to let the past week slip into oblivion or would it be better to confront Sheldon before…

Suck, Penny thought.

Sheldon hit her character with a sticky. He smirked at what he deemed a perfect execution, getting Penny's goat, crumbling her cookie, peeing in her Cheerios, so on and so forth. In Layman's terms, he was, like, screwing with her.

Douche.

Since when did she let a man tug at her emotions like a freakin' puppeteer manipulates a marionette? In the spirit of singing I've Got No Strings To Hold Me Down in her head, Penny focused her roller coaster of a morning on her game play once she respawned.

And boom went the dynamite. Or the hand grenade.

"Look!" Penny laughed. "It's raining you!"

Sheldon huffed. "There is no way you can be this attractive and this skilled at a video game." He paused. "Also, there's a glare on my side of the television from the sun outside. You got lucky."

"Luck's got nothin' to do with it." Penny sniped Sheldon from behind a rock. She curled her tongue to hide her smile. "It's your fault for playing video games this time of day, buck-o. I thought it was Halo Night." She nodded her head at the digital clock, which read 4:30.

Sheldon set his controller on the coffee table and clasped his hands together. "This is yet another example of how your presence in this apartment has…" He tapered off with an unnecessary sigh. "Oh, I'm too tired to do this."

"You can feel tired?"

Sheldon shot her a withering look.

"Maybe you should lie down." She resented his snort of derision.

"Wow."

The phone rang. It took Penny a moment to realize someone was calling the apartment.

Sheldon flickered from his seat to the kitchen counter, the cordless in his hand. He read the caller ID before he crossed the room on foot to hand Penny the phone. "For you," he said.

As if anyone would be calling for him.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Missy."

"Hey!" Penny set her controller beside Sheldon's and crossed her legs. "I thought I was going to get to say good bye."

"Sorry. I hated to sleep 'n run, but I wanted to thank you for your hospitality. You're 'bout as a proficient tucker as Shelly."

"Oh, well, you know." Penny hoped her response was vague enough to fly.

Sheldon waved her off like he knew what she was thinking. "She hostesses at Fuddruckers'."

Penny covered the mouthpiece. "That's your sister!"

"That's a couch," he intoned, pointing to his spot.

Penny rolled her eyes. She almost said something along the lines of channeling Sheldon's spirit when she heard a beep. "Hold on a sec. I have another call."

"Sure."

Penny searched the buttons, trying to determine how to work the call waiting, but Sheldon snatched the phone out of her hand before she could figure it out. "What's the big idea?" She hounded him from the front door, to the kitchen, to the window, and back to his spot on the couch. Sheldon, having resigned himself to the fact that he was never going to shake her, could only sit.

"Yes," he agreed with whoever-it-was on the end of the line. "I expected as much. I appreciate your service." Sheldon ended the connection.

"What th' Hell?"

"It's your surprise."

The wind was unceremoniously knocked out of Penny's sails. "What surprise?"

"I had your car towed."

Cue hurricane. "WHAT?"

"Towed and fixed. The engine needs replacing and your battery is corroded and your filter seems to have been chewed through by who knows what's been living in your car."

"I can't believe you did that for me."

Sheldon furrowed his brow, confused, trying to read her like she was some sort of equation he couldn't solve. "You must," he insisted, exasperated and whiny. "I will rest easier knowing everything of yours-"

Penny put her hands on her knees. She invaded Sheldon's personal space, leaning and leaning.

"-is in order."

"You wanna know what I think?"

Sheldon fidgeted. "Not really, no."

"I think," Penny trudged on, "that it's time I give you your surprise."

He innocently perked up at the idea. "Alright."

"You have to close your eyes."

"Why?"

"Because that's how surprises work."

Sheldon scrutinized her with heavy-lidded eyes. "I suspect your intentions are evil in nature."

"Are you scared?"

"Rightfully so!"

"You're dead. You can't be scared of anything."

"I would have to disagree. No matter when or where I am, you manage to put the fear of God in me."

Penny traced an invisible line down the slope of his nose. When he stopped his superfluous flinching, Penny's eyes fell closed and she navigated the space between them, unable to keep a smile off her face. She tilted her head to one side. She brushed his philtrum with her mouth, his upper lip. She kissed Sheldon, deep, and giggled into him when his eyes widened comically. The cold forced her to withdraw. She warmed her two, front teeth with her tongue, the ache worse than biting full into an ice-cream sandwich.

"Penny…"

"Don't you mean Penelope?" Penny pushed Sheldon to sit back in his seat. She braced herself on the couch and kissed him again. His lips were not unlike ice, soft and supple and perfect. He did not respond, nor did she expect him to, but her appetite was insatiable. In spite of her best efforts to take it slow-because the last thing she wanted to do was scare him straight to death-she couldn't help it. She eased herself into his lap, outright gasping because his pants were frigid. (Wearing her Cheesecake Factory skirt didn't help.) It took Penny a moment to settle down and sit comfortably, apologizing to his face…very close to his face…on his face, his forehead, even as he squirmed and made excuses about Missy calling back since he had hung up on her. She fought the urge to drink his lips, half expecting them to melt.

His eyes bored in to her, all but gushing the color blue.

When she needed air, she said, "Surprise."

"I hate surprises," was all he mumbled.

Penny remembered very clearly the last time her advances were spurned. Andrew Wood. Fifth grade. He pulled her hair when she gave him a Valentine.

She was pathetic.

If Sheldon didn't want her, he didn't want her. He could follow the light for all she cared. He could rot in an alternate universe and never feel the light of day for the rest of his afterlife.

Yeah. Right. Who was she kidding? She cared. She cared so much it hurt. She didn't want Sheldon to go because she didn't know how she was supposed to move on, herself. Being with him, near him, kissing him, felt natural. She wondered, then, if at any point they were happy.

So they couldn't be in this universe. So what? She would remember him always. How he lived, what he knew. She would keep him alive in her memories. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right?

What the Hell kinda crap was she thinking?

Memories weren't going to cut it. Him being illusory wasn't cutting it, either. She wanted to feel his hands, damn it! Warm, fleshy hands. She wanted to feel his fire burning standing right in front of her. She wanted him to believe it when she kissed him. She wanted him to know.

"This is all your fault," she said. "You can't sweep me off my feet and, and vamoose the second I admit I'm in love with you." She cut him off, "No, I know I'm dumb. You're dead or you think you're dead or maybe I'm crazy. Wishful thinking. Some-"

Sheldon held up his hand to silence her. "If I may? The feeling is mutual."

Penny blinked.

"It would seem I'm in love with you, too."

Oh, she thought. We're in deep shit.

"My life had no meaning outside of science. I distanced myself from my family. I had no friends of which to speak. I was alone. When I discovered I could drift through alternate universes, suspending myself though space and time, I noticed a pattern begin to emerge everywhen I went. It was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eye."

"We know each other in alternate universes?"

"All of them. Some more extensively…" Sheldon let Penny kiss him again. "…than others." His freezing fingers settled on her waist. "Sometimes you don't…" He grunted at her when her tongue got in the way. "…leave Omaha. Sometimes I never…" He gave her a look when she tried to reach up under his shirt only to find it was physically impossible. "…leave Texas. Sometimes you marry Leonard."

Penny throat burned from the cold in the best possible way.

"And sometimes-" The reverberation of his voice made her toes curl. "-you and I find one another desirable as mates. Traipsing through my alternate lives, I became fixated. Why was it that I had never met you? I calculated that, eventually, you and I would cross paths. It was inevitable. So I waited. You can imagine my delight the day you walked in my apartment. It was foolish thinking that I could simply keep watch over you until my days on Earth had dwindled to nothing, but I couldn't help myself."

"I thought you didn't want me here."

"I didn't. I'm dead."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want you to be happy. With Leonard."

Penny let him go. "What?" She poked Sheldon in his chest. "Oh, no. I do not!" Poke. "And will not!" Poke. "Go along with-"

Sheldon cursed in Chinese.

"What was that?"

"You find happiness with him more often than you find happiness with me."

Penny gaped. "Holy crap. You're jealous of something I don't have with a man across the hall."

"I am not."

"The first step to recovery is to confront your feelings," Penny sing-songed.

"No. The first step to recovery, as originally proposed by Alcoholics Anonymous, is admitting you have a problem."

"Sweetie, I'm only going to say this once so listen carefully." Penny pointed to her mouth. "Shut up and kiss me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You're not in bed."

Penny raised her eyebrows. "Come again?"

"I've only ever kissed you when you were sleeping. I can't kiss you now. You're…watching."

Penny almost laughed, but figured it would make matters worse. "How long has this been going on?"

Sheldon averted his eyes.

"I don't know whether you're crazy or-"

"Desperately in love? I've determined that it's all the same."

Penny pushed herself to stand. She pulled Sheldon after her, holding him firm by the collar and peppering the underside of his chin with even more kisses.

"Yes…well…that's…you're persuasive enough as it is. Is that really necessary?"

Penny opened the bedroom door. "Yes. It is." She lay on top of the covers and pretended like she was going to sleep. "Hop to. Chop, chop." She extended her arms, ready to draw Sheldon into a hug, closer and closer. She couldn't cry for smiling. Her insides clenched under the weight of what she knew was bound to happen between them, making her want to tuck into a little ball. There was no Happily Ever After. He would disappear and she would be left alone to cope with the loss. It scared her. It scared the crap out of her.

Sheldon looked down at Penny, pained. "You do realize this is pointless."

"I know." She couldn't begin to explain to him how much she needed this. Just once. She needed to try because, maybe, she could keep him here. Maybe her love would be strong enough. This moment was like a swig of alcohol, that sour hotness stinging the insides of her cheeks, hard on her teeth, compelling her to go, to be more than she could be, except it wasn't impairing. It was self-actualizing in its own right. Always, she had been looking for love, only to give her heart to a storm. Now was her chance to take back what was hers and give something precious to something more precious-something beautiful, but sad, like a light drizzle on a Sunday afternoon. "C'mon," she said, reaching for him. "Let's pretend you're alive."

Sheldon must have understood because he said, "Close your eyes."

ooo

Sheldon knelt down beside the bed. He let Penny run her fingers though his hair; somewhat chagrined, somewhat mystified that she would want to do such a thing. "You have ruined me," he complained, his voice frosty. "How can I sill want something I know I can't have? Though I'm following a logical process, you make me reach illogical conclusions." He leaned forward, embarrassed at her gasp, though he assumed it was from the cold. If he weren't dead, he would blush. His desire was to be everything Penny needed, but he couldn't. Really couldn't. It confused him, as it did the first time he stumbled upon the two of them together. He was smart enough, but he wasn't Western culture's ideal man. He had never dwelled on his facial features aside from stressing over a clean shave, but he knew he wasn't quote-unquote dreamy. He wasn't strong. He wasn't particularly accommodating. And he'd never wanted to be. Until now. He would go above and beyond to the best of his ability.

And that. Did not. Make sense. To him. This altruism that wasn't really…

It was maddening.

"I am anything but illogical, Penny." Sheldon kissed her lips chastely, catching his name on her mouth, setting his face on fire.

Her responding to him-the way she didn't laugh, didn't make fun-might as well have drenched him in gasoline, stoking the heat to consume his every sense. All he felt, all he tasted, all he smelt, even though his senses were dead.

They shared a look. An identical, hopeless look.

And it was then they started to sink, together, into the cold.

A/N: Last chapter will be posted on the 23rd. =)