Alexander & Jane – Chapter 10

"You owe me."

"Alright, Castle… what do you want?" Beckett relented with a sigh, accepting his challenge that, for saving her life, she owed him anything… anything… he wanted.

Castle smirked and strolled up to her, slow and deliberately he placed his mouth right by her ear. For a brief moment, he had to remind himself of where they were, because being so close to her and having his lips inches away from her skin was bringing back such wonderful memories.

There were several things he wanted from Beckett… and her open acceptance had been for literally anything. He knew it. He could see it in her eyes. If he asked her, she would give herself to him if that were his request. Castle was tempted, wanting to once again taste and feel the glory that was Kate Beckett (Jane in his past life), but that would just be wrong. Especially after what he'd just done. He didn't want to sully their physical reunion with the mistake of Meredith looming over them. When she allowed him in again, he wanted it to be done because she asked him in, not because he forced his way in because of this.

He also contemplated making this request about Alex, their son. He wanted to be a part of his life… he deserved it. That anger over being excluded from any knowledge of Alexander's birth flared up in him again. He could feel Beckett tense, as if sensing his anger over being denied his son. Castle bit his tongue and closed his eyes, holding back the bitterness and hostility.

Castle remembered his conversation with his mother and daughter, when he finally sat them down and told them everything, leaving out only that which he believed should only ever remain between him and Kate. It was Martha's opinion that he was showing quite a lot of restraint and was, as she put it, taking it quite well. Alexis was confused over the whole legality of it, and wondered if he had any legal claim to Alexander.

Castle didn't know the answer to that, because he did not know if Beckett had even put him on the birth certificate as the father. He'd have to ask her that. However, he knew if he requested a paternity test, it would prove to any court that he was the father… Alex looked too much like him not to be his son. But most of all, both were supportive of whatever his decision was, of how he would approach the situation and speak with Beckett.

So far, he hadn't, obviously. They had talked about ideas of how to tell Alexander, yes, but beyond that, they hadn't discussed much else.

Meredith's arrival had significantly damaged his plans. He still was kicking himself over what he'd done, but from what he gathered by Beckett's posture and manner during the case that followed the abrupt arrival of the redhead hurricane, she had forgiven him for any and all transgressions. Castle hoped that's what it was that he was inferring from her posture. And if it was forgiveness, he hoped it was not because the brunette had decided to sideline any ideas that they could once again become romantically involved. And he certainly hoped it meant she was still open to discussions with him over Alexander and his future role in the boy's life.

So, when she accepted this debt she owed him, instead of choosing one of the more emotionally heavy and substantial things between them, he went with the most inane, in hopes it would show her how sorry he was for his slip with Meredith.

Castle was amazed at how husky his voice was when he finally spoke. "You know exactly what I want," he said, his breath hot and warm, and he noticed how she shivered as he whispered into her ear, taking some satisfaction in that. "Never… call me kitten… again."

And with that, Castle pulled back and sauntered away as if nothing had happened. He smiled to himself, pleased, thinking that he had just surprised her with his request. No doubt she had assumed his request would be something sexual in nature, but no… he wouldn't get her back that way. And besides, he felt like he needed to make up for his mistake with Meredith.

He could still read the disappointment in Beckett's eyes at how he had so easily strayed and caved in to his baser needs. He was disappointed in himself as well. Castle made a solemn vow that he'd never allow that to happen again. He'd have to learn to control his urges, and concentrate on his ultimate goal, which was to win back his Jane… to win Kate Beckett and gain the family he had always longed for.

Castle waited for her by the car, knowing that she had to wait for Internal Affairs to come and approve of the shooting. That was one thing he'd learn very early on. It wasn't like in the movies or television, where a cop discharged his weapon and then went on like nothing had happened. Paperwork had to filed, and a brief on scene interview needed to be conducted by IA. He knew Beckett was in the clear, she had acted in the right, but the waiting was killing him.

Finally Beckett came out, a grim expression plastered all over her face. Castle tried to smile and lighten the mood. "How was the doom squad?" he inquired. She looked up at him briefly, and he recognized a look like she had expected to him be gone, and was both surprised and touched that he was still there.

"Typical BS non-sense," she scowled, walking over to the car and moving to the driver's side. Once she unlocked the car doors, Castle opened his side and climbed in.

"They did cleared you of any wrong doing, though… right?" he asked, a little worried that his actions might have resulted in her getting a suspension or citation in her record.

Beckett let out a long breath as she settled herself behind the wheel and buckled up. "Yeah…, they cleared me," she sighed. "Just… you know," she glanced over at him. "They just aren't nice about it."

He gave a nod. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked.

She smiled tightly, and glanced at him with a wicked expression that had him shivering. "Perhaps," she let out in an almost sultry kind of voice, before then shifting the car into drive and speeding off into traffic.

Castle sat back, completely at a lost for words to describe the look she had given him. It had looked almost primal… consumed with baser need and desire. He had thought that for sure he had messed things up, but it seemed like she had forgiven him, at least a little, as she was back to the teasing… had been, for the better part of the day. He hadn't noticed a change in her until he had been appraising himself in the video monitor showing the image from a camera pointed out the shop window, and declared himself "ruggedly handsome." Her feigned shrug and slight eye roll was all too telling to him. He could see by her posture that she was agreeing, but not wanting to do so out loud.

"I'm sorry," he suddenly said, turning to look at her.

Beckett frowned and cautiously glanced over at him before turning her attention back to the road. "Castle… you… you don't—"

"Yes, I do," he asserted with a firm voice, much more firm than he had ever used with her.

She sighed and lowered her head for a brief moment, but kept her eyes on the road. "It… it's not like we're together."

"But it was wrong… especially… especially with how I feel about you," Castle pushed past the lump in his throat. "I love you. And… and with Meredith… I… God," he rubbed his face with his hands, so overwhelmed and uncertain about everything. "I don't. And I feel… I feel like I've royally screwed things up… that… that I'm not worthy—"

"Stop right there!" she snapped at him, and he looked up, startled to see her glaring at him. He swallowed hard as she stared him down. "I don't wanna hear any self-pity from you, Castle… you are worthy of better and more than her… perhaps me, as well."

"What?"

"I don't blame you for what happened, Castle," she sighed and looked away, concentrating on driving.

"But I am at fault," he declared.

"Partially, yes," she gave him a quick glance before looking away. "But not entirely." This startled him and he looked at her, completely confused.

How could she be laying the blame for this at her feet? He was the one that had slept with his ex-wife. It wasn't like she had told him to do it… oh… oh… he looked at her with big sorrowful eyes. Oh, Kate. He swallowed hard as she turned her head, risking a glance at him.

"I… I put you in a place where you… you were in need… and then… then I pulled back and left you hanging. And Meredith," she bit out his ex-wife's name with venom, "she… she just happened to be the one to give you what you needed. Something that I could never give you."

He shook his head. She was wrong, so very wrong.

"We should never have kissed that day," she said. "It… it was a mistake.

"Kate?"

"No… it was," she asserted, a little snappish. "We… we let the emotions run away from us. We have a kid… yes, but… us… there… there is just too much pain and hurt between us for it to work. We can be friends, yes, for our son, for Alexander… but," she paused and let out a short breath, "obviously we can't be anything more than that."

Castle looked at her, feeling his heart break. Was it really over? Sure, they'll have to see each other, be in each other's lives, because they shared a son. But to having nothing more with Kate Beckett than that… Castle couldn't breathe. He wanted more, he so badly wanted more with her. He was screaming it at her with his eyes. Begging with her to forgive his lapse… wanting her to know that it was a mistake, one he truly regretted, and that all he wanted was her… and only her, no one else for the rest of his miserable pathetic excuse for a life.

"Please… Kate… don't," his voice cracked. He swallowed hard and tried to pull it together, but it was too difficult to breathe right now.

Her eyebrows knitted together and her eyes were watery.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking away, and with that the conversation was over.

XXX

When Kate got home, she held Alex tight. He was just as overwhelmed with joy that his mother was home as she was at being able to hold him, though it was well past his bedtime. Jim watched them from the kitchen counter, still cleaning the dishes from dinner. She loved her job, yes, but she hated that she missed family dinners. Picking Alex up, she carried him to his room and tucked him. Taking out one of his favorite books, Where The Wild Things Are, she read to him until he fell asleep.

Watching as his tiny chest rose and fell in his sleep, Kate wondered how she could think of anything else besides being here for her son. She didn't need a love life, she had already had one… a great one… and it had given her Alexander. Brushing her fingers through his brown hair, she was struck with how much like his father he looked. Alex looked so much like Richard Castle. They both had the same eyes, and Alex's hair often got all messy and unruly, much in the same manner as Castle's had.

Sighing, she leaned in and kissed Alex's forehead before standing up and returned into the kitchen to join her father.

"I'm not going to ask how your day was, because I don't want to know," Jim said with a chuckle as he placed a plate of microwaved leftovers before her.

She sighed. "I need to do it, Dad… it gives me a sense of purpose," Kate replied, looking up at him as she grabbed a fork and settled onto one of the barstools by the kitchen counter. She glanced over and watched as her father continued to clean the dishes.

"Alex should be purpose enough for you," he replied softly. "You don't need to be going out there risking your life to protect other people when you have him here waiting for you." He sighed and lowered his head. "You're missing so much, Katie… so much that you won't get back."

"I know," she replied, swallowing hard and looking down. "But… I have to do it… I need it."

Jim let out a long slow sigh of resignation. "I know… just promise me you're being careful."

"As careful as I can, yes," she nodded, and gave him a tight smile. "Hey, Dad… guess what? Royce… he… her, um… kind of asked me out after work."

"What!" Jim Beckett raised his eyebrows in alarm, and ceased his movements, the dishes temporarily forgotten. "He's like, what twenty years older than you?"

"Why would that matter?" she asked, taking a bite of the dinner her Dad had saved for her. "Hmmm… this is good, by the way."

Jim Beckett gritted his teeth for a moment, and seemed to think over what he wanted to say. Finally he sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Alright, let's make a deal here and now, I won't complain about whatever… um… love life you decide to start, and you don't tell me about it."

"Okay… but what if it gets serious, would you want to know then?" she asked.

"Of course," he nodded. "I'll even have your grandpa's shotgun ready for when I meet the guy."

Kate chuckled and shook her head. "Dad," she admonished with a roll of her eyes.

"Hey, you're my only daughter… I have a right to protect you," he said with a curt nod.

He turned back to busy himself with the dishes. Kate slowly finished her dinner, and then handed the plate to him. He scrubbed it clean while she stood there and leaned against his shoulder.

"Thanks for being here, Daddy," she murmured and kissed his cheek. "I couldn't have done any of this without you."

"You're welcome, Katie," he replied and tilted his head around to kiss her forehead. "Oh… almost forgot, a package arrived for you today. I put it on your bed."

"Thanks," she nodded. "I think I'm going to turn in, then."

"Okay," Jim replied. "Sleep tight, Katiebug."

She smirked at her childhood nickname and leaned up to kiss her father's cheek again, before murmuring goodnight and heading in the direction of her bedroom.

The package was sitting on the edge of the bed and she could tell by the shape of it that it was a book. Kate didn't need to open it to know what book it was. She'd been bidding like crazy with some other person on eBay to get this exact book. Slowly, she ripped the packaging open and pulled the book out. She spun it around in her hands, taking it in. The dustcover was still in excellent condition.

Kate already had a copy of this book, the first Derrick Storm novel, but unlike the others, it hadn't been signed. The copy she had of this book had become one of her most prized possessions, because, to her, it was almost like it was the last thing she had of him… besides the obvious. Turning the book around, she looked at his picture, and ran her finger along the image, remembering what it felt like to actually touch him.

Her eyes watered and she knew that she could never really move on, not with how much she had fallen for him. It might have been nice to accept Royce's offer, but she could never go all in with him… or anyone, really, if she was being honest. She wondered if it was enough that she had had love for just a brief moment in her life. The old phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" came to her mind.

Sighing, she looked down at the book cradled in her lap and flipped the cover open. There, on the title page, was his signature. She smiled weakly and traced the lines and curves, feeling like touching them brought her closer to him. It was there that she finally fully realized that she was still in love with him—all the way in love, even though he'd deceived her. She'd done some deceiving as well, and had lied to him. So they were even when it came to that.

Kate closed the book and put it down on her nightstand. She shoved her hand in her pants pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She flipped it open and scrolled through her contacts. His number was still there, and she admitted that it was rather telling that she'd kept it all these years, and had never erased it… had always copied it along with her other contacts when she got a new phone.

She stared at the number, wondering what she was thinking. He probably didn't even have this number anymore. She was being silly and stupid. Kate knew what he had wanted from her and he'd got it, but still… that pained look on his face when she had last seen him… maybe, just maybe she had been mistaken. Castle had not been the only one to lie about his name; she had too.

Her heart pounded in her chest so profoundly she was sure it would jump out and run away. All the possibilities flashed through her mind of what could happen if she pushed the call button and he picked up and was on the other end. What would she do then? Would she cry and confess to him, tell him that she still loved him and forgave him for not telling him who he was? But how could she?

He'd moved on, at least, that's what she had gathered from the gossip sites and fan forums. Richard Castle had been out of the dating picture for three years. But now he was back, and dating Gina Cowell, an editor from Black Pawn, the publishing company that produced all his books. She was blonde, and was sexy, but Kate had to admit that he didn't really look happy in the photos she'd seen of him.

Kate let out a sad laugh and closed the phone, putting it down on top of the book on her nightstand. It was too late for them. They'd had their shot and she had ruined it by just running away. If she had stayed and heard him out—he had so very clearly wanted to explain—then maybe her life would have been different.

Sighing, she leaned back on her bed and reached over to her other nightstand, where the book she was currently reading awaited her. It seemed slightly odd, and maybe a little insane, that in her moment of emotional distress, she'd grab for and find comfort in a book he wrote. She couldn't help it. He was her favorite author, and despite some of the bitterness she sometimes still harbored towards him for what she still thought of as being used, she still adored his writing and characters and would defend him against any harsh critic on the fan forums.

Perhaps that was her life… and Kate found that for now, it was enough. She had her career, her dad, her son, and her memories of being with Richard Castle. She sighed as she flipped the book open to where she had left off the previous night. It was enough, for now. Maybe someday, she'd find someone else, but for now… for now… it was enough.