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Chapter 10: Katniss

I want to freak out. I am freaking out. How can anyone be expected to have a baby? I mean, really have a baby? I'm supposed to give birth to something that supposedly weighs 6-10 pounds? How is that even possible?

I'm freaking out.

But Haymitch is freaking out.

So I can't freak out.

I can't even tell Haymitch to calm the hell down, because doing so will only make it worse. I can feel him shaking. I've never seen him like this. I can only hope that we make it home without any issue, and he's able to contact Peeta with a level head. There is no way he can calmly and rationally talk to anyone right now. Maybe Prim can help calm him down. Maybe Prim can call Peeta. That's it. Prim will call Peeta and we'll all avoid some sort of meltdown caused by a panicking Haymitch, and continued by an extremely over-protective soon-to-be-father. I know Prim will be calm. I hope Prim will be calm. Someone will be calm, right? I'm not calm. And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to be.

I want Peeta. Suddenly everything hurts, all at once. I gasp and clutch at Haymitch's hand. I stop in my tracks, and hunch over a bit, almost trying to curl in on myself to ease the pain. It feels like every core muscle I have is tensing to the point they will all snap. I can hardly breathe for the pain. Is this really what contractions feel like? Because if so, I don't think I ever want to do this again. What were we thinking getting into this in the first place? Right. We weren't thinking we'd be getting into this, exactly.

"What do I do sweetheart?"

I'm trying to breathe evenly, but it's a struggle. Doesn't help that Haymitch keeps asking that question. If something could be done, doesn't he think I'd be doing it? Don't say that out loud, Katniss. He's only trying to help.

I let out a steady breath as the pain eases. "I just need to get home," I straighten, and we continue our walk. "I need to be in my own environment." I don't tell Haymitch I need Peeta. But I do. I desperately need Peeta, in so many ways.

I don't want to snap at Haymitch. I know he's just trying to help me. I also know that he's freaking out worse than I am. Snapping at him will only make all of the panicking worse for both of us. And if we're both going to have a total meltdown, I'd rather be at home when we do so.

I wish I'd told Peeta before I left. I wish I'd told him, and I wish I'd brought him with me. What the hell was I thinking? This is why Haymitch always talks to me like I'm stupid. Why he's claimed over and over that there are reasons no one ever lets me make the plans. So what was he thinking letting me get away with this? He knows I'm not good at making the plans!

This is Haymitch's fault. For allowing me to drag him away from the party and leaving Peeta there. No. It's not Haymitch's fault. This is definitely my fault.

I didn't want to ruin Peeta's grand opening. Everyone was having so much fun, and he looked so happy. Not the stupid grin he gives me every time he wants to laugh at me when I'm angry. Not the grin of a man hiding that he's terrified. But a real, joyful smile.

I hope he'll smile that real, joyful smile at me again. I miss it. He's been grinning at me with just a hint of panic for about a month now. And I miss seeing the joy.

Since we've come back to 12, we've felt every possibly emotion. Peeta and I have had moments when we've been completely overwhelmed. We're about to have a baby, and we've only just been through a war. We're young, very newly married, and about to be in charge of raising a tiny person. But every night, before falling into sleep, Peeta puts his ear to my belly and talks to our child. In those moments, I am so calm. Soothed into sleep by the voice of the man I love most in the world. I am able to settle my emotions slightly thinking about Peeta's hands caressing my belly, his lips pressing against the little life we created. I love him more than I ever thought possible.

Peeta and I have nightmares. They are rare when we're in each other's arms, but they are intense when they come. He has nightmares about killing Coin, about losing me, and most recently, about losing the baby. I have nightmares about the Games. I get trapped in my subconscious that has recreated an arena. I'm always pregnant, always trying to save my baby and my Peeta. The worst are when I'm unable to save Peeta. I wake up screaming, and am only calmed when Peeta wraps me in his arms, and I can put my ear to his chest and hear his strong, steady heartbeat. I love that sound.

The last several months have been stressful. I've had to be the calm one for months now, and it's wearing on me. But what if my labor is one of the ones that becomes complicated? As much as I have tried to reassure Haymitch that everything will be fine, what if it's not? Maybe I really should have gone to District 4. I know I could never have left Peeta, we don't like to be apart for long, but what if something goes wrong? I can't let myself think about that. Prim may be young, but she never would have come here to help if she thought the baby or I would be in danger.

Finally, I can see the house. I really think I made my biggest mistake leaving Peeta at the bakery.