"Yes, oh my God Blaine, yes!" I arched my back into his hands, his nails digging into my skin deliciously, "fuck, oh, fuck," I was trying to say something more eloquent but I just couldn't. My thigh were wrapped round his waist, my hands clawing his shoulders while he held onto my back tightly; he was in so deep I couldn't even think properly.
"Oh Kurt," he moaned into my neck, "how are you so fucking tight," I loved that he could speak while we had sex.
"Mmmmm," our sweaty skin was slapping noisily but I really didn't care, everything was heightened tonight after knowing that Blaine still cared about me. "There, right, there, oh yes," he was almost perfect with his aim, going harder and faster right in that spot that made stars appear behind my eyelids.
"Are you close? I'm so close," he growled deeply, "come with me, come with me," he was shaking beneath me, biting his lip and trying to make himself last for me.
"Come and I will," I whispered and that was all it took for him to release himself deep within me, "oh Blaine," we both moaned roughly into each other. "Stay." I held onto his shoulders and he ran his fingers up and down my sweat covered back in a comforting way that he used when I was pregnant.
"I'm not going anywhere but I can't stay inside you baby," he laughed softly and I sighed lifting myself off him, "much better, now we can snuggle." We faced each other, the bright moonlight giving just enough glow so we could still see, he looked more content than I had seen in him in while but more than that I felt at peace with what had happened.
"Did you think we'd ever be here again?" I asked, "in your bed, at Christmas…"
"I used to, I'd always hoped it would end up like this but I never truly believed it," he drew patterned on my exposed arm gently, his eyes examining my face carefully.
"I thought you'd hate me after what I did to you… I hated myself," I began to speak but I didn't really know what I was saying until it came out, "I just couldn't take it anymore."
"I know…" he sat up suddenly, "Kurt I need to show you something…" My heart flipped suddenly and I sat up too, staring at him harshly in the dark light, "just keep calm OK?" I nodded but I was barely calm now, what could he possibly have to show me?
Blaine leant back and flicked on the lamp, my eyes squeezed shut at the sudden light.
"Fuck Blaine," I growled rubbing my eyes but slowly my eyes focused again and saw what I was supposed to, what Blaine had been hiding for the last five years. "Oh Blaine…" I reached forwards and stroked the scarred arms softly, his limbs were covered wrist to shoulder in long dark lines and thin white lace. I could have stared for hours, taking in the absolute purity and horror of what he had been struggling with since Holly's death. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"How? I was supposed to be over this shit, I was supposed to be recovered Kurt! Do you know how embarrassing it is? How embarrassing this is?" I began to cry fat tears as he spoke, "I was so humiliated that you were strong enough to even try to fix us and I was spiraling."
"I wasn't strong though Blaine," I whimpered, "I was in so much pain-"
"Please, don't tell me, please-"
"You have to know!" I begged, "we need to move forward if we want to-"
"To what? Be together?" He said harshly, covering his exposed arms quickly and turning away from me.
"Blaine come back," I pulled him towards me; unrolling his arms and kissing slowly from wrist across his collar bone and down the other arm. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "let me fix you, let me help you… Blaine I love you and I always will."
"I love you too," he said quietly, "and it fucking sucks!" We both laughed and kissed deeply, I kept my fingers playing with his arms to remind him it was OK but I'm not OK. I wasn't OK with his scars, not because of how they looked but because they meant I wasn't there for him, no one had been there for him when he needed them the most.
"We'll make it," I said softly as he curled into my chest, "it will get better. I promise."
New Year's Eve.
Samuel K. March had one of the swankiest apartments in New York, he was a big investor in the theatre circuit and after offering me a place on his new show had invited me to his New Year's party (plus whoever I wanted of course.) I took Rachel, Finn and Blaine; the happy couple had no idea about what was going on between Blaine and I. We had wrapped up the show on the 29th December and we had been cool about our impending relationship, but I was getting restless and planned on bringing it to light tonight.
"Oh Kurt!" Mitsy, Samuel's barely-twenty-something girl greeted us at the door, her skimpy gold dress was barely covering the essentials but I tried not to judge.
"Mitsy, darling how are you?" We kissed on both cheeks and she began to rattle off some dribble about something or other as she led us into the giant penthouse suite.
"So enough about me, who are your friends?" She was so full of teenage energy, the 'I-was-head-cheerleader-not-even-two-years-ago' attitude was still enough for her self-esteem.
"Oh this is Finn my step-brother, his fiancée Rachel Berry and my good friend Blaine Anderson," she wiggled her eyebrows but didn't say anything.
"Well welcome! Have a good time! Get a drink, you know the mojitos are to die for- ISABELLA!" The girl was friendly enough but had the attention span of a gnat… and a brain damaged gnat at that.
"Oh my God Kurt do you know who that is?" Rachel hissed, "Marylise Carmen! Do I look OK?" She began to smooth her perfect hair and reapplied lip gloss before walking off and leaving me to stand awkwardly with Blaine.
"Drink?" I finally said.
One drink became five, five became more than I could keep track of; midnight came around quickly and at ten to Blaine pulled me from the crowd onto the balcony.
"Kurt we need to talk," I was too drunk to read his voice properly, "I haven't been completely honest with you…"
"Oh Blainie keeping secrets are we?" I moved in closer but his eyes dropped to the ground guiltily and I sobered quickly, "what is it?"
"Kurt I'm moving," I stared at him, "I'm moving to San Francisco with Matthew…"
"Who the fuck is Matthew?" I said not caring how angry I sounded.
"He's my-"
"Your boyfriend?" I finished for him in disbelief, "I can't believe this Blaine! You have a boyfriend across the country that you just weren't going to tell me about?" He couldn't look at me, "you're insane! You told me you loved me!"
"I do!" He shouted back.
"How? How can you love me if you're doing this?" I didn't want to cry but the cold mixed with my emotions made it impossible, "we were going to be OK Blaine! We were-" I sobbed, gasping for oxygen amongst the icy air.
"Kurt I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to be like this," he began to beg but I had had enough of it.
"No, this is exactly what you knew was going to happen but you didn't care, you never cared Blaine! You always do this, you're only thinking of yourself and I'm done."
"Kurt…" he grabbed my arm but I pulled free with the last of my strength.
"You had so many chances Blaine," I said sadly, "I love you so much but it didn't matter did it?" I left the party without saying goodbye, as I closed the door to the apartment I heard the bells for midnight ring out, everyone cheered and laughed but it just hurt even more.
I collapsed on the sidewalk waiting to see a cab pass by, during the cold minutes so many people walked by, happy, laughing, drunk, enjoying their night. I thought about what had just happened and how five years later Blaine Anderson was still managing to make me cry.
"Wow…" Rachel whispered into her skinny latte, "that's… wow."
"You can say that again," I said. It was three days later and we had finally recovered from our hangovers enough to go out discuss what had happened, I ended up telling Rachel about mine and Blaine's affair and what he had said over Christmas.
"I don't understand why Blaine would behave like this?" Rachel sighed, her big eyes full of confusion.
"Because he's a selfish prick maybe?" I smirked at her but she just gave me puppy eyes, which made me gag, "don't try and defend him Rach."
"But Kurt, don't you think it's a bit well… odd?"
"It's a bit dickish, but odd, no I can't say I do," the venom in my voice was so thick it almost hurt to hear it.
"He didn't tell anyone about Matthew, I don't think even Alyssia knew," I glanced at her curiously, "he never once mentioned going to San Francisco and we'd had a conversation about moving to the west coast a couple times…"
"Oh really?" I raised my eyebrows, "you leaving for your secret lesbian lover too?" She giggled and shook her long brunette hair playfully.
"Shut up and be serious for a second?" I put on my best 'whatever you say mistress' face, "so Blaine goes to one of the best schools in the world and he just ups and leaves a couple weeks before graduation, he takes a job with you despite spending the last four years desperate to get over you, he then starts an affair with you, tells you he loves you and that he wants to be with you then fucks off to San Francisco with his boyfriend without a word to anyone?" I stared at her blankly, hearing it so plainly made me think there must be something fishy going on but I was still too angry at Blaine to start making excuses for him.
"Well what do you think? He's changed Rachel, that's what people do, especially after Holly; he didn't deal with it well and-"
"And you dumped him because of it!" She cried loudly, people around her turned to stare at us and I just wanted to die, though that might have been the stomach ache I had. "What if there's something going on there? He tried to deal with his grief and he didn't know how and the person he loved dumped him and he had no one," I gaped at her, "no offense but that is what happened. So he locks up, goes to Italy, has copious amounts of sex with strangers, starts drinking and smoking and changing his looks, goes to a school where he knows he'll have to work hard 24/7 and doesn't have time for his emotions."
"Rachel are you listening to yourself right now? What are you a shrink? Well your powers of deduction are exquisite but what if Blaine is just full of shit?" I said this but my brain was doing at a million-miles trying to fit Rachel's theories into reality, trying to make Blaine into the selfless, adorable, giving boy that I fell so hopelessly in love with.
"Then he's a wanker and we can go on leading our lives sans the stupid prick, but Kurt," she looked extremely worried, "I really think you two need to talk." She dipped into her handbag and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.
Dear Rachel Berry, you are invited to Blaine's 23rd birthday party.
5th February, 8pm
Blaine and Matthew's
"Blaine and Matthew's? Are they twelve?" I said cynically, "I'm not invited anyway, you are," she rolled her eyes comically.
"Yes but Finn can't get off work so you're my plus one." Sometimes I hate Rachel Berry.
"Happy birthday!" We shouted when the door opened, Rachel rushing in and hugging Blaine tightly but I just gave him a polite smile, more than I could have managed three weeks ago.
"Rachel! Kurt! Oh my God, I wasn't expecting you guys to come!" He looked so happy to see us, genuinely, until he looked at me and everything came back.
"We wouldn't have missed it for the world," I said coolly.
"Yeah! Finn is at work but he sends his love and here," she pushed her brightly wrapped present into his arms, "presents!" I handed mine over; inside the immaculate black paper were the new McQueen bowties that will kill Blaine when he sees them. What says 'you can't hurt me' morethan designer accessories?
"Oh hello," a blonde guy, a fair bit taller than me with horrible indie shaved sides and an oversized fake diamond in one ear, "who do we have here Blainers?" I nearly lost it when he called him Blainers, Alyssia would have an aneurism if she heard this wannabe hipster all over her son.
"Oh Matthew this is Rachel Berry, Broadway super diva and Kurt Hummel," he paused, "playwright extraordinaire," I nodded at his questioning look and he gave a wide smile. "We've been friends since high school," he added sweetly.
"I'm Matthew, I'm a dancer," he said smugly before turning his cold brown eyes on me, "Kurt, I know that name?" He knew what he was doing.
"Yeah well like Blaine said we've been close for years," I said trying not to snap, "we've worked together most of this year and our families had Christmas together…"
"Ohh getting close with my man are we?" He was clinging to Blaine teasingly, "I don't mind some healthy competition."
"Right," Rachel said loudly, "there any drinks at this shindig or what?"
"Yeah this way," Blaine jumped quickly; he shot me a quick look of apology and whispered something to Matthew who just giggled and slapped his ass.
"He's delightful isn't he?" A blonde girl said next to me in the kitchen, she was mixing up something blue.
"Mmm, delightful," I murmured, "hey what is that? Looks good."
"It's super strong, I call it a Sapphire kiss, want-" she flicked back her hair and smiled up at me suddenly stopping her sentence.
"OH MY GOD BRITTANY!" I squealed and lunged forward hugging the slim girl tightly, "what the hell are you doing here?"
"Matthew is in one of my dance classes," she said, "when I found he was dating Blaine I decided it might come in handy to be friends with him and voila!" Brittany looked fantastic; she had moved to the West coast almost straight after graduation and had been doing a lot of music videos, the California life agreed with her.
"Thank God," I sighed, taking a sip of my drink, "oh GOD Brit what is this?"
"I don't know Santana used to make them for me…"
"How is she?" I asked softly, Brit and Santana's relationship had always been a confusing subject for me but Brittany was never to sensitive to indulge details.
"I don't really know, she's got a job as a Spanish teacher and really nice girlfriend," she smiled, "we're both happy and stuff so no biggie right?" I loved Brittany's outlook on life, maybe spending a few days with her would make me feel better.
"Exactly," I hugged her again, "now wanna show me some of your moves?"
"Sure thing, just wait till you see Matthew try to dance, I'm supposed to be teaching him and I think Lord Tubbington has more rhythm than that boy..." I laughed and let Brit take my hand and led me to the music where we were joined by Rachel and Blaine and unfortunately Matthew. True to her word the indie boy couldn't move to save his life but it just made it even more amusing, the whole night was so surreal.
That's a lot in one chapter I know! I didn't know Blaine would come out like this and you might hate him but it's my story and anything can happen right? Also the document uploader page is super fucked up so until it's fixed I'm not attempting to upload anything :\
Reviewww :)