"Mrs. Butler, I cannot do as you ask. It is not practical. You will be bed ridden for two weeks if you are lucky. Let me talk to him, he won't be mad for the decision."
She opened her eyes "It's not that. We've lost a child over a year ago, and before that I had that fall and the miscarriage. I just don't want him to…"
"Let me talk to him. I will know how to put things in the best light possible."
….YT…..
She did not leave her room. She lay there staring at the ceiling in her sofa.
"Mother?" her daughter's voice rang like a tune in her ears "Uncle Rhett sent me to inform you that he will be bringing you your supper and eat with you later."
The red headed girl entered the room and then paused, looking alarmed.
"Mommy, are you well? Uncle Rhett said you were ill, but you cried."
Scarlett cursed herself silently.
"Come Baby, give your mommy a hug. I'm sick, but the doctor says I'll be well in no time."
"Is it your ribs?"
"No, darling, it's something else, but I'll be fine. I just wasn't planning on becoming sick, so I cried like a silly little ninny."
Ella smiled, her mother would berate her for being a ninny when she'd cry or complain.
"Would you like to help me untie my hair?"
"That would be splendid, Mommy! Just sit at the vanity so you can see yourself…"
"No, I prefer to do it here, I have to get used to this bed for the coming month."
….YT….
"The children are asleep. How are you?"
She gulped and closed her eyes with resign.
"You chose well, with the doctor."
His eyes were weary, her heart sank –
"Rhett, I'm so sorry…"
"Don't" he stopped her "The doctor explained your concerns. My only concern is your health. You are more important than a child who never came. I wish to God I've been more careful."
"It's not you. The doctor says we can have other babies. Dr. Mead also told me, back when…"
He was holding her hand, brushing it with her palm.
She gave him a short look and burst crying. As he held her she whispered "I'm in so much pain, Rhett, it's getting worse. I so wanted everything to be alright."
He held her for a while but her shivering did not stop.
"Bring the doctor, Rhett."
The night was never longer. She felt herself drained minute after minute.
The pain was unbearable.
She was vomiting, shivering uncontrollably.
The doctor gave her examination and smiled "Now is as good a time as the morning, I'll go prepare."
"Rhett, if I don't get passed this will you promise me to raise Ella as your own? Be kind to her? Pamper her? Wade has Aunt Pitty and he is older. Besides he is so much like me, I know he will survive," she was fighting for air "but I don't want him to raise her. He is too young. He should be able to leave. Go to College up North like his father. And she deserves to be loved. She so needs to be loved."
"Darling, don't you know that I love both of them?"
"My arm is in pain. My neck and arm! Good Lord. Thank goodness Mammy isn't here."
He looked at her and paled, "Doctor! Doctor!"
"You've seen this before, haven't you?" she looked at him wide eyed weakly. "I've seen this during the war. I remember. I'm bleeding to my gut."
After a pause she added "There are two drawers, one beside my bed, and the other one behind the stool by the window. In both you will find letters I've written. Take them." From beside the bed she handed him another one "Take this one too."
The doctor entered the room with two nurses – "Sir, you will have to stay out."
He smiled at her holding the morphine bottle – "Now, Mrs. Butler, let's make you better. Remind me, you have two children?"
As the soaked cotton touched her she tried to answer but despite herself was becoming dazed.
….YT….
He was looking at the dark corridor. The sounds from inside seemed like miles away. What was he going to do? He wiped his forehead and was half surprised to find his hand wet. Despite the coolness of the night he's been perspiring terribly.
The bundle of papers was in his sweaty palms. He took an armchair from a side room and placed it near the door of her room. Their room. Placing a lamp by it.
The top page was written in coarse letters. In a haste driven by pain. She must have written it while he was out fetching the doctor.
He hadn't seen the pile from the other drawer. Yes, he read most of the letters in the side drawer of their bed. During the passing month he saw her writing. Sometimes she'd claim she's writing her aunt and others she'd simply say that she is clearing her head. As odd as it may seem he resented the moments in which she was with her ink and papers. It felt as if he was left out. During the last week though, he hadn't seen her writing, after he had approached the matter a few days before.
-Tell me the truth, are you writing a diary, Scarlett? Don't tell me you are clearing your head again. I find you head is perfectly clear all the time.
She paused giving him a long look she smiled –
-Why can't you for once pretend that you believe me?
-Because you are the worse liar I ever met.
-No I'm not!
After a pause she smiled at him –
-It's not what I'm doing, you want to know what I'm thinking, isn't it? You're jealous, aren't you?
He was surprised at her observation but nodded with anticipation.
-I promised myself I will deny you nothing, so if you must know, I'm writing some of my thoughts as letters. Sometimes to you, to Melly, even the children.
-Can't you talk to me about the things you write me?
-NO
He kissed her till she moaned "Now, can you tell me?" he asked not without mirth in his low tone.
"You are impossible" she groaned "Well, if you must know I just thought that sometimes I can lie to you, like when I almost tricked you to marrying me at the jail. If it wasn't for my hands you would have fallen for that."
He had to give it to her. Whenever he'd mention that scene in the past she'd frown and feel humiliated.
"Maybe at that moment I was too dazed because of my desperation for female company".
"And you thought I was mad at you for not coming at Christmas. I wasn't. I was worried"
After some silence in which she nestled in his arms he spoke "Talk to me Scarlett. You needn't fear I'd judge you for anything you think or do. We're past it. Besides, even if I do, it will pass."
She inhaled slowly "I'll try." And yet she did not disclose her thoughts for that day. She simply left the desk abandoned during their time together.
He sat back and began with the top letter –
Last Will and Testament
It is with clear mind and spirit that I Katie Scarlett Butler give all my earthly belongings to my husband, R.K. Butler. I hereby nominate him as the sole guardian of my children Wade Hampton Hamilton and Ella Lorena Kennedy and manage the estates on their name till the age of 30.
It is my wish to be buried by my daughter Eugene Victoria (Bonnie).
I hereby nominate Henry Hamilton as the executer of this will.
Today … Katie Scarlett O'Hara Butler
He breathed hard. She had given him all her belongings. No mention of Ashley, even Beau. Shel left it all to his discretion.
He took the top letter of the second drawer.
Rhett,
How grateful I am for your home coming.
In years I hadn't felt this happy as I have these past few weeks.
I feel a life had been formed in me. Could it be that we are receiving yet another chance of happiness. Will you be happy, I wonder. You still seem so bitten at times. I keep reminding you it is the evening, for I know it, it's the darkness that keeps our hearts at such despair, when it happens.
You've been looking at me suspiciously while I write, but I fear telling you of this, just yet. I want you to notice from my body. I hated the deformation pregnancy caused in my first three pregnancies, and now, silly me, I can't wait.
I thought of how you dismissed the wet nurse when Bonnie was born. I was mad at you. I never cared much for that. But when I fed her, you'd sit and watch both of us. If only I let you nearer at the time.
I want us to have a son, one that will have your eyes and smile.
Will you be mad at me for keeping this from you?
I know I should go and check myself at the doctor's, but I fear he'll dismiss me for craziness. It had only been three weeks since you came.
But I know it, I just do.
Truly Yours,
Scarlett
Darling Rhett,
In the afternoon I heard you laugh with Wade while galloping in the back yard. I allowed myself to cry. "If only" two words I keep promising myself not to pronounce. Each time I fall for that again and again.
After dinner Wade asked me if I loved his father as much as I love you. I told him that I was too young to be able to have the feelings I have today. I added that today I can't feel things the way I felt back then. He was my husband for two weeks, but my son will always feel something missing from his life.
To ease his young heart I told him that his father was a lot like his sweet aunt - Melly. I added that if he had survived the war I bet none of us would have suffered as much as we had.
After our conversation I felt half crippled. How can I do justice to any of my children when the emotion I feel for their fathers is such a pale shade of what I feel for you; When I see their death as my liberation. I hate myself for knowing that during the first months after her death, I wished one of them had died and not Bonnie. When we have a child I fear that Ella, especially my sweet Ella, will feel less loved. I pray to God that the love I have for them is the most a mother can have, and that my love for you won't blind me, in time.
Truly Yours,
Scarlett
'Her liberation'. He hadn't slept the night Frank was found dead. Even after, when he was in his hotel room. It was his emancipation. His chance. He thought of the two children sleeping at the end of this hall. He would ask their permission to adopt them. Scarlett was right. Wade had transformed during the passing year, like the awakening of a butterfly. He was enchanting. Rhett smiled as he thought of the many hearts young Wade would break in the near future. He wondered if the endless fighting he'd seen between himself and his mother would deter him from marriage, as he himself, for years, thought he'd never marry.
He closed his eyes.