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Chapter 8 – Reality Bites

JACE

So my plan on accepting things and rolling with the punches backfired. After we got back from the bakery and I found myself sinking into a state of disbelief and depression. I didn't want this to happen to me. I didn't want to become a beast.

I understood that it wouldn't be permanent, I understood that I would still be me and have my human body, but that didn't take away from the fact that at any given moment, I could burst into a huge ferocious ball of fur that could rip a gash into someone's skin. I had already hurt my mother, slammed her into a wall. What if I had never come here? I might have killed someone.

It didn't help to think that I had inherited this gene to fight vampires also.

Fucking VAMPIRES?

Paul didn't think it was such a big deal, given that most vampires knew to stay far away from our side of Washington because of the wolves, but still. Still, no one could predict the future.

I was wallowing in self-pity by the pool, thinking everything over. I had taken a swim to cool my body temperature down. I was so nervous about the phase, that it would happen precisely at the worst time possible.I was surprised when Phoenix stepped out of the backdoor and joined me, taking a seat on the lounge chair next to mine.

"Are you just gonna sit there all day then?" she asked, dropping a book onto the ground.

"Uh, yeah?" I said, scratching the back of my head awkwardly. But I would probably hit the gym again in a little while. "Are you sure you should be around me? I don't think it's wise." If I ever hurt her, I'd never forgive myself – and Paul would kill me.

"You seem okay to me. So I take it that Daddy finally told you about the pack?"

"Yeah he did… he told me about what was happening to me."

"Oh. And are you okay?" I could tell by her pinched brows that she was pretty concerned and I felt kinda special.

"Not exactly, I'm kinda freaking out. But at least I know now what it is, and that I'm not dying."

She actually snorted and smiled – smiled – for the first time since I met her. It didn't even matter that she was likely thinking that I was really stupid. "Is that seriously what you thought?"

I nodded. "Pretty dumb I know…"

"Not dumb, I saw my brother go through it, and Sammy…and…Avery…I know that the change is hard when it starts, that's what being a newbie is all about I guess."

"Does it scare you?" I didn't know why I asked, it just came out.

"No it doesn't. Tuari's been a wolf for almost three years now. I'm used to it, sometimes he plays with us in his wolf form, like a huge puppy. Ruthie loves it but he just smells."

I laughed at that thought, thinking it sounded crazy yet fun. I had been absently staring at the tiles while thinking of Ruth playing with a wolf when I moved my eyes to meet hers.

"It's alright to be scared" she said with an extra gentle tone to her voice somehow.

"I just...don't wanna be a wolf, yuh know? Like fuck, a WOLF? It's totally ridiculous…But I think maybe I just wanna get it over with at the same time. Like phase already and just see what the big deal is. I've been sick for almost a year now and it's just fucking my life up on so many levels. I'm just worried I won't be able to control it."

"Yeah, I guess I could understand that. But maybe you'll be good with control, I mean, look how long you've been going through the transition, it's not normal - it shouldn't have taken so long." She cocked her head on the side, still maintaining eye contact with me.

"Maybe…" I found that comforting. Paul thought I had only been in contact with a vampire one time and that was why I never phased.

"Do you think you'll imprint?"

"Ha! I dunno...I haven't given it much thought." I honestly didn't know how I'd feel about it. The idea of just suddenly falling in love with some random chick wasn't exactly appealing – unless of course she was mega sexy like Phoenix.

"Oh. Well it happens so randomly I guess it's best not to dwell on it too hard."

"Yeah, I guess..."

The conversation lulled then and it was because my mind had gone blank. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. For a moment we just continued to stare. "Your eyes are really pretty," I confessed quietly.

She blushed immediately and dipped her head, and I knew I had made her uncomfortable and ruined everything. "Um…I'll see you at lunch okay? It should be ready soon." She said while she quickly rose to her feet and walked away.

I was seriously crushing on Phoenix and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before my feelings got me into serious trouble. I needed to listen to her father and just concentrate on the wolf.

Something unimaginable was coming my way and I needed to be ready for that.

PHOENIX

When I saw Jace looking almost as pitiful as me outside in the backyard I couldn't help but wonder what was up with him. I felt sorry for him, that he was taking the wolf thing kind of hard. But it was to be expected. He didn't grow up in our culture, so it was more of a shock.

Against my better judgment I found it sweet how he complimented me on my eyes. I could see that he really meant it but I didn't want him crushing on me like he was. I wasn't just some girl that he could hit on either – and I could tell Jace had a way with girls. Maybe it was the little earring in his ear or the way he carried himself that made me think that. My brother was that way until he imprinted on Josie. From the time Ari was like fourteen until he was almost seventeen he was a man-ho – sorry to say it about my own brother but it's true. Then he phased and imprinted and has been in hell ever since because my bestie consistently refused to accept him. I didn't like that Josie was basically pulling him along on a string, but I had learned to just stay out of it.

Although I was apprehensive about getting close, I found myself actually not minding our short conversation. I liked that the conversation was about him and not me. Most of all, he didn't know Avery or about his death in any great detail, so he wasn't too weird around me. He just wanted to be friends, and honestly it was a relief to have the pressure off, to stay clear of Avery as a topic of convo – even though I did manage to mention him at some point. It was just nice to have a talk without someone thinking they had to bring him up somehow, or stupidly apologize to me for the pain.

That's why I kept to myself now. That's why Jace and I had met in the backyard at the party, with me crying in the dark – I had been upset because it was all people could talk about with me. I had gone to the party to clear my head, Josie had practically begged me to come along as a favor to her since she didn't want to go alone. She thought it would be good for both of us to rejoin the Land of the Living. But in the end, I knew I should have stayed home. I had left after meeting Jace.

I guess it was my fault though, because I just couldn't get over Ave, and it showed. People pitied me.

Daddy called me upstairs for lunch, interrupting my thinking time in the laundry room while I changed loads. Benjamin was here again, he'd been in Tuari's room gaming.

I loved when Daddy made his submarines – they were always delicious. I got out a big bag of chips and dumped them in a bowl – couldn't have subs without chips on the side. It was my and Avery's favorite. Daddy smirked at me, knowing that I would have done that very same thing.

Benjamin as always dominated the conversation at the table and because of that Jace was once again reserved and I wanted to butt their heads together. After lunch I slipped on a long tribal print maxi skirt to match my white halter top then shoved my feet into purple flip flips. I grabbed my matching purple beach bag inserting my towel, wallet and sunglasses then met Benjamin at my Wrangler. He had asked to spend time together and I didn't want to disappoint.

We drove down to First Beach now that the rain had stopped, and took a walk along the sand. It was hard for me to come here, to the place where I'd lost Avery…but today I just felt like I could be here – at least on the sand, the water was an entirely different thing.

"So what's the deal with you and that boy?"

"Boy?" I instantly didn't like his attitude.

"You know, Jace?"

"What's the deal like what? He's a friend of the family, like you."

Benji snorted and shook his head. "I know what you mean but I don't agree. I'm family, he's just some kid who showed up on your doorstep."

"What's your problem with Jace?"

"Aside from the fact that he freaked out when he saw us together at the bonfire? I just don't like him."

"You have no reason to dislike him Benji, you're being silly." I rolled my eyes at his pettiness.

"I don't like how he looks at you."

"Oh really! And how does he look at me?"

"Like he wants you."

I shook my head, shocked at his preposterous statement. I really didn't want to believe that…especially after the way Jace looked at me today before telling me I had pretty eyes. I got a warm feeling just thinking about it.

Avery had always loved my eyes…

"You know as well as I do that nothing is going on between me and him or anyone. I'm not interested."

"I know…trust me, but don't you think that it's time you started to get interested again?"

I scowled at him then, "I didn't come here for a lecture Ben, you said you wanted to hang out, if you do then just don't lecture me about moving on okay? I just need everyone to stay out of my business."

Benji shook his head and stopped me, taking hold of my shoulders. "I'm not trying to lecture you…I just hate to see you sad like this Nixie, I love you and I want you to be happy again. I miss the old you, the one who was always up for fun."

I snorted and shook my head. "She's gone, so like everyone else, you need to just accept that and move on." He didn't understand that there was a big gaping hole in my chest where happiness used to be.

"What if I can't accept it? What if I want to make you happy again?"

I was confused now. Then out of nowhere Benjamin's lips were on mine and I was shoving him off of me.

"WHAT THE HELL!" I screamed. "Benji? Why would you DO THAT?"

His face seemed to redden to the color of cinnamon. He was lighter in complexion than all of us, a paler red. He was going on twenty-four and I was only seventeen soon-to-be eighteen, was he out of his mind? Daddy would kill him!

"I-I thought you knew!" he stammered, clearly embarrassed.

"Knew what?! That you don't look at me like a sister anymore?!"

He scrubbed his face and looked around us. I didn't care if anyone was watching us, I felt extremely violated. I felt betrayed. He was my big brother, and this felt SO SO WRONG. Dad saw him as a son, he would be so upset to know that Benji had tried to make a move on me like this.

"We can't date Benji! Daddy would never allow it and I think you know that!" I suddenly started to feel colder than usual and turned to walk back to the safety of my jeep. I felt exposed, violated, disgusted. He was quick behind me, trailing my steps as I stomped over to logs and garbage.

"Look Phoenix I never meant for it to happen, but I like you. I have for a little while now and I'm sorry you're upset."

"You can't honestly believe that you like me like that Ben, this is just, LUDICROUS!"

His face fell then, and he looked down. I instantly felt bad for hurting his feelings.

"I'm sorry for being insensitive, honestly, I'm just shocked. I-I'm really shocked."

He nodded and shrugged. "Just forget about it, I kinda figured it was a big risk anyways…I'm not totally stupid that I wouldn't think that Pa would be upset. I just hoped that maybe if you felt the same…he'd come around."

From a baby Benji had apparently called both the pack and my father "pa" and it stuck. For me that was proof in itself that he and I shouldn't ever be involved, we shared a father whether or not Benji wanted to deny this!

"I understand, and I'm sorry…but I can't…it doesn't feel right, B."

Benjamin looked out to the water then and I could practically see the walls going up in self-preservation. "It's okay, let's just forget this ever happened…please don't…tell anyone." He looked at me then. His jaw was taut but the pain flashed in his warm brown eyes.

"I won't." I stepped over to him and briefly hugged my adopted big brother around his waist.

But nothing would ever be the same for us again.