A/N: this is what happens when i beat one game (ME3) and go back to one i've 'sorta' beaten and am really just using for re-play-through-crack-writing-value (DA:O) XD
so, since i haven't played my ps3 version of DA:O since getting game upon game upon game to play, and for whatever reason went back to it today, i realize yet again why i'm writing this and why 'Tess' has the most screwed up version of playthrough i've ever seen no matter the console (her original profile is on PC, appearently shenanigans works for her on ps3 as well XD)
this is litterally what i played today, short and sweet compared to the hours i put into the game today, but the major point of 'WTF-shenanigans!' is pretty apparent... today's gamer issue was 'space', that lovely 'i'm a good rpg player and want to take everything not nailed down to sells for moneyz' problem we all get when there's a limit to how much cr*p you can carry... so for once, since i can't just type in 'god-haha-f-u!' and be like 'limit? there IS NO LIMIT! MUHAHAHA!' on a ps3, i had to use the 'terrible' function of 'junk-it' 'destroy-it' T.T i weep for all the money i lost... but then we come to the MAJOR problem with that, all that cr*p you don't want to get rid of because its shiney and has a name... like Ser Garlen's Sword and the Thorn of the Dead Ones specifically... which i decided to save space, throw on (at) Morrigan, because i figure that saves me space and she's not going to use them... pffft she's a mage, they don't use swords/daggers unless they're arcan-
-MORRIGAN ENTERS DUNCAN MODE ACTIVATE!-
O.o wtf?
exactly... so apparently giving Morrigan sharp-pointy-objects is 'bad' since she decides TO ACTUALLY USE THEM! o.O wtf? and no matter how many times i said 'no, use staff' she said 'F-U -whips out blades and goes on juggarnaut killing spree-' O.o wtf? and not only does she totally beat out Leliana (duelist) and Tess (arcane mage) in the combat area for some unfathomable reason, she's taking like no damage... W-T-F?
i have two theories for this, but i'll save them till after you read :3
ENJOY!
What should have 'Never' happened…
Somewhere in the Bracillian Forest Ruins…
"Hey Morrigan hold on to these," Tess said absentmindedly tossing Ser Garlen's (stolen) Sword and the Thorn of the Dead Gods behind her back without looking as she continued to rummage through the piles of crap in her mysteriously small bag.
"Why would I want to-" the witch's words were abruptly cut short as her pupils became the size of a grain sand at the sight of two very sharp, very pointy, objects headed her way at relatively head level. With the skills of someone having spent months with the whack-job they called 'leader' and fighting rampant things from everyday gunlock to bloody RAVENANTS! Those were new on the list as for some reason their crazed leader decided messing with ancient wards on disturbing gravestones was a good idea, dodging flying knives? Easy pickings by a longshot… still not on her favorite list of things to do though. The witch picked herself up off the floor and glared primal fury at the diminutive, and questionably insane, woman that lead them, "A little warning next time would be highly appreciated before you go about tossing weapons my way!"
The white haired Warden looked back slightly and blinked, "I said 'duck'…"
"No you didn't!" Leliana tossed from the other side of fallen pillar, apparently both her and Bal had had the sense to 'hide' once Tess decided to stop for a moment and sort through things…
The Elven woman looked at the two 'cowering' for a moment before shrugging and going back about her task.
Morrigan just glared down at the small woman, tapping her foot impatiently, "T'is some reason I just had to dodge spare weapons, yes?" her tone was anything but her normal sarcasm, apparently having sharp weapons thrown at her with absurd accuracy was not on the witch's 'okay' list.
"Hmm? Yea…" The distracted Warden tossed over her shoulder at the steaming witch as she somehow removed a set of heavy plate from her tiny, tiny bag and tossed it aside.
A black brow rose a moment as the wilds mage couldn't help but wonder how she managed to get that in there… not to mention the rest of the pile of rampant loot sitting around, "Question, if you may answer," gold eyes blinked as a great sword joined the pile, "Where do you keep all that…" another clang as something she wasn't quite sure joined the rest, "and what are you doing?"
Tess tossed a pair of sissy leather gloves over her shoulder without looking, "I've got too much crap in here, it won't take anymore, so I have to sort it out to figure out what's useful and what's not…"
"Translation," Leliana said as she stepped out with Bal following not far behind her. The bard had her arms crossed as she too scrutinized their leader's weird activity, "She's trying to figure out what loot she can hawk for the most while carrying the least," There was a slight amused smirk on the red-haired woman's lips at the sight of their leader rummaging through her pack.
"Ah, standard 'money to weight' ratio is it?" Morrigan sounded absolutely bored, money was nice but the more you had the more it bogged you down, although that didn't seem to be a problem for the mini-Grey Warden for some reason. The Witch of the Wilds crossed her arms as she scrutinized their leader's activity, "That still doesn't give reason as to why I had to be the one dodging cutlery…"
Tess made a hand gesture that neither of the women understood, raising one hand about shoulder height and waving her hand back and forth. Their answer came in the form of a loud bark from the crazy woman's Mabari as he galumphed up to her side whining and wagging his stub of a tail.
Morrigna rolled her eyes, more at being ignored then the display, "Big baby…"
Leliana just shook her head, "It'd be easier to just toss all of this," she nudged her head in the direction of the 'pile' of loot their demented leader had apparently amassed without their notice. The red head looked straight at the witch, apparently having a conversation with her, "Best to stick with gems and small jewelry, least weight, highest value," the woman giggled to herself and Morrigan felt thoroughly nauseated.
"Ugh," the witch rolled her golden eyes, "as delightfully nauseating as this sight is, I'll stick over here," she turned and started walking towards the other side of the dilapidated ruins, "Preferably away from flying cutlery!"
Leliana giggled at the witch's comment, and irritation, she'd have to remember to tell Alistair about it when they got back to camp, surely it would spark another 'amusing' discussion between the two.
Pointy ears twitched, "I sense plotting that I'm not involved in?"
Leliana stiffened for a moment, turning back on their leader and seeing that the woman hadn't moved an inch… although she had somehow managed to make half of the pile of random crap disappear and Bal was wearing what looked like a jury-rigged saddle back made from spare leathers. He barked at her, wagging his stub-tail, and the human woman could only blink, "Well then," she looked around the room, Morrigan on one end, Tess surrounded by a small armory on the other, random knife/sword combo in the center where the witch had been standing now gone-
The bard blinked, "Where did…" her blue eyes trailed the area eventually finding their way back to the Witch of the Wilds examining the 'Thorn of the Dead Gods' while Ser Garlen's (stolen) Sword was oddly already attached to her back. The bard blinked, Witch of the Wilds plus sword/dagger combo did not make sense, "Morrigan?"
Gold eyes looked up, bored as usual, "Yes, T'is something you need bard?"
Leliana absently pointed, ignoring the witch's usual dismissive tone, "I thought you'd not want those after having them thrown so casually at you," she felt she didn't need to also mention that Mages didn't typically wield bladed weapons…
Morrigan shrugged flippantly, "T'is true, I've no care for them being tossed my way so carelessly," she sent a mild glare at the back of their leader's head, registered only as Tess stopped momentarily to shiver before going back to her sorting, "But I suppose there is some value in these things," she turned the swiveled dagger over, inspecting the ever-so-faint inscriptions on it in a language long dead, "Given there is some magic in them…"
"That's why I didn't want to toss them!" Tess threw over her shoulder, shuffling through this armor and that while Bal snorted at her, apparently his master didn't understand the irony of her statement.
Morrigan's gold eyes looked flatly at their leader as she placed the dagger on her back beside the sword. Crossing her arms as she left the wall taking a few steps back toward the Warden, "Though T'is unusual to hand me such things, T'is not?"
There was a shrug of their leader's shoulders as she tied up her pack, turning back to the two, "What?" they both gave her a look which she sighed heavily at, "Look, you guys are just carrying one extra set of weapons," she pouted when they continued to look at her flatly, "I've got the Ancient Elven armor, all our potions, poisons, random gems, assorted herbs, three staves, two shields, five helmets, three bows, six bladed weapons, plate armor, and that set of massive Juggernaut armor…" there was an added glare to her pout as the Bard and Witch blinked at her like she was insane, "So don't complain to me about carrying an extra bow or a pair of bladed weapons…"
"You're insane," Morrigan said point blank, eyes narrowed incredulously at the smaller woman.
Leliana on the other hand had leaned behind their leader and was staring mystified at her backpack, "Where do you keep it all?" her blue eyes were glowing sapphires of admiration as she blinked away dramatic tears, "how do you keep it all?"
Bal barked in a huff, all that praise should be on him, he was the one REALLY carrying it all anyway.
"Mage secret," the Elven woman put up her hand between that bard and her pack, "and you're not getting a chance to look in my pack to figure it out."
The Orlesian woman dramatically sighed in defeat. One day, hopefully soon, she would find out the secrets of the magical pack.
"I still don't understand why I'm carrying these," despite her displeased tone, crossed arms, and distrustful look, the witch had yet to remove the sword and dagger from their place snuggly on her back by her withered staff.
Tess noticed this and her ear twitched, "Right, just stab someone with them if they get too close if that makes you feel better about carrying them…"
A black brow twitched, "Why not simply give me one of those staves you're carrying instead, hmm? A weapon I can actually use?"
Somehow Tess' hands immediately went to her travel bag, her eyes became suspicious narrow slits, "Never!" she took a step back, "I don't trust you my staves…"
Morrigan groaned, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms, "By the…" she breathed heavily, "Never mind, T'is your own undoing should something ill come of this," the dark woman vaguely tossed over her shoulder moving towards the door to the next room, ready to be done with this place already.
Tess grinned widely behind the woman's back. One point for Tess, Morrigan zero.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Leliana teased as she walked up behind the Warden, "Who knows what Morrigan could get up to with those weapons in hand, no?"
Crystalline eyes rolled, "Come on, I doubt she even knows how to use them."
"Hmm," Leliana wondered to herself, both of them moving towards the door the wilds mage was impatiently waiting at, "You never know truly what a person is capable of until the time comes…"
Tess paused a moment hearing the woman's words. When Leliana paused as well and looked back at the white haired woman her pointed ear twitched and a frown crossed her features, "Now I'm starting to get a bad feeling about giving Morrigan sharp pointy objects."
The bard chuckled to herself at the ex-circle mage's response.
Bal stepped ahead of them, growling to himself as he shifted his makeshift saddlebags, whatever happened was his master's fault.
xXx
Several hours of irony later and further into the Ruins…
Morrigan was laughing maniacally as she just severed the last werewolf's head from its body with the frost covered sword in her hand.
Tess and Leliana had their jaws hanging somewhere along the floor.
Bal barked enthusiastically, wagging his stub of a tail, highly approving of this side of the dark haired woman.
"Sweet Andraste's stolen knickers…" slipped from Leliana's mouth. She was a bard, a damn good bard, and she was trained to use two weapons in hand, namely a sword and dagger, and be damn efficient at killing things with them. Sure, she preferred her bow, but since she had been in the party with two mages and a dog she had thought she'd be the primary forward fighter… now?
"WHAT THE HELL MORRIGAN!" Tess just screamed at the top of her lungs. This had been brewing since she had taken the ancient Elven phylactery and had arcane wisdom rather forcefully shoved into her questionably stable brain that allowed her to warp magic around her and supplement it for strength. Thanks to this new 'skill' she was currently wearing the Juggarnaut armor they'd fought so hard for and had greatly decreased her carrying load. She'd also learned that the abilities of the Arcane Mage weren't simply limited to wearing heavy armor for protection but imbued her with the wisdom and skill of the Ancient Elves in how to fight with martial weapons. Since figuring this out the little Warden had hoped to test out her newfound skills with a blade…
… only for Morrigan to somehow become possessed by the spirit of Duncan and become something of a two-handed god beheading everything they came across left and right.
By the time Leliana notched an arrow her quarry was a spouting fountain of blood…
By the time Tess had beaten a skeleton off balance with her shield and drew back to deliver the final blow the thing was already shattered into dust…
When Bal went in for a lunge he found that his opponent already had a hole in its gut…
ALL thanks to Morrigan and her newfound fetish for pointy metal objects.
"Hmm, this is rather enjoyable, I think," The Witch grinned demonically as she sashed over to the next door with the Thorn of the Dead Ones in one hand and Ser Garlen's (stolen) Sword resting on her shoulder.
Tess' whole body twitched, "How is she doing it?" left eye twitching rampantly, "I'm in full-body massive armor, with a shield, and twice I've nearly died… SHE!" The elven woman pointed indignantly at the scantily clad witch walking away with a sway of her hips and skip in her step, "is barely wearing anything at all and gets barely a nick!" Tess raised her hands above her head in frustration, "I'M THE BATTLE-MAGE HERE!"
There was some indistinguishable scream of anguish from the white-haired woman as Leliana simply crossed her arms and 'hmp'ed to herself, "I'm the highly trained rouge and all I've done is pick locks and disable traps since she decided to go commando with those blades…" her narrowed eyes followed the dark witch as she kicked in the next door, giggling like a maniac as she jumped into the fray with another set of wolves.
Within five minutes the sounds of battle stopped and the two could clearly hear a "I'M WAITING!" from the woman in the next room.
There was a distinct smack! As Leliana's hand met her forehead quite hard.
Tess stared blankly, "First moment we get back in camp we're stealing those away from her…"
"Agreed…"
xXx
Several long and humiliating hours later back at Camp…
Alistair was poking at the main fire. Yes, poking the fire, seeing as it was the only worthwhile thing to do since the women left with the Mabari to handle the Dalish problem and the only company left him were those two weird Dwarves that tended to follow them and Sten.
The bastard-prince's eyes wandered over his shoulder spotting the semi-giant still standing and watching the horizon. He'd been doing that the whole week that the women had been away and quite frankly it was getting on the Templar's last nerve.
There was a heavy sigh as strawberry blonde threw his current stick into the fire with its brethren and set his chin on his hands supported on his knees, "Well this is looking to be an interesting night, don't you agree Sten?"
The Qunari gave that dismissive grunt like he always did, generally ignoring the human warrior.
"Right," Alistair vaguely nodded to himself, "Charming conversation as always," was it bad that he was actually starting to miss his arguments with the witch? Sure, he hated her, but at least with her around he could pester, annoy, and generally piss her off for some form of amusement. He blinked before mentally adding that Tess and Leliana at least talked so they were worlds better too…
A very strange sound entered the Templar's ears, for a moment he thought he'd finally gone crazy from the silence. Without thinking his head rose off of his hands, straining his concentration to try and pick up what it was and where it was coming from. It wasn't words but sounded almost melodic, was it humming?
Alistair blinked his dark eyes, standing up to see if there was anything out there. Towards the forest there was a shift of underbrush, squinting his eyes confirmed it. As the sound grew closer he could definitely tell it was humming, something jovial, almost cocky… and oddly familiar. –Cocky… who do I know is that confident with a lower toned voice…- he could already mark off Leliana, any time she sang or hummed her voice rose in volume, and since he'd never heard Tess do either, and she wasn't nearly as cocky as the humming sounded, he immediately marked her off the list too.
So that left only one person capable of making that sound…
"OH WILL YOU KNOCK THAT OFF!" Yep, that was definitely Tess' voice, rather perturbed too…
There was silence as presumably a response was thrown back.
Something that sounded like metal hitting flesh before a silence fell followed by snide laughter and a "Oww… that bloody hurt…"
As the trio and dog came closer the Templar could hear more of their conversation, the laughing definitely wasn't Leliana and from the sound of it apparently their illustrious leader had just hurt herself.
"Might I suggest something?" the level of sing-song tone in that voice just did NOT sound right.
"I swear," it sounded like Tess was holding her nose, or hand over her nose, or some relative injury involving 'nose' and 'hand' combination, "By the Maker, I will have my revenge!"
There was that all too 'cheery' laughter again, and it was only now that Alistair could recognize it as the Witch's voice, simply because his mind couldn't handle 'Morrigan' and 'Laughing' in the same thought, "Come now, T'is you that gave them to me~…"
Something of a growl from their leader, but it sounded funny since there was a slight sneezing sound because of her presumably broken nose, "I had you CARRY them! You weren't supposed to actually USE them!"
Another laugh from the witch as she stepped into the clearing of their camp, a demonic sparkle in her eye with a devious Cheshire grin she usually saved for tormenting him with. She took about five steps into the camp site before twirling, yes twirling, on her heel to grin wider at the frowning Bard and blankly staring Warden holding her nose, "T'is your problem, I think I shall hold on to these a moment…" he couldn't see it but Alistair knew from the shift in her voice her eyes narrowed in a wicked smirk at the other women, something cocky, devious, and full of 'I win' in them, "… Savor the victory this newfound skill affords me!"
It was at the mention of 'skill' that Alistair actually took the moment to look the witch over, not that he'd willing do it beyond curiosity mind you, and noticed something that definitely should not have been there. Strapped to the Witch's back, on either side of her 'normal' staff, was a long sword and swiveled dagger, both covered in a layer of ice and coated in blood… lots of it.
For a moment all the poor male Warden could do was stare… Morrigan plus bladed weapons did not make sense…
"Oh no you don't!" Suddenly a wave of red rushed at the black haired woman, "Give those to me RIGHT NOW!"
In an act of agility Alistair was unfamiliar with attributing to a MAGE Morrigan hopped, yes hopped, away from the Rouge-woman, still grinning like mad as she turned around and dashed towards her side of the camp. Leliana growled something unintelligible before rushing after the woman.
Alistair was still staring at the spot the Witch of the Wild's had inhabited when Tess, still holding her obviously bleeding under her hand nose, walked into his line of sight. At the sight of their leader, holding a broken nose and in plate armor no less, the Templar couldn't help but blink. She stared at him for a good ten seconds, just letting the sight soak in before his brain mustered the necessary amount of 'common sense' to ask the obvious questions, "Why are you wearing plate armor?" he pointed at her, "Why is Leliana on a murderous rampage after Morrigan?" he pointed at them as they ran by, Morrigan still grinning like demon with Leliana screaming some form of righteous fury as the witch managed to continue evading her, "and perhaps more importantly," he cleared his throat, both for dramatic effect and to allow what he was about to say sink in, "Why does MORRIGAN have bladed weapons?" at the end of his inquiry his left eye justifiably twitched as a somewhat crazed look came about the male Warden.
For a moment Tess just stared blankly at him, holding her broken nose.
He stared back, eye still twitching.
"Witch get back here!" Leliana screamed as she apparently pulled out her bow trying to 'pin' the woman down.
Evil laughter spread through the came as Morrigan continued to dodge, right past the two Wardens as arrows went flying over their heads…
Pointed ear twitched, "Let's just say a lot happened in the Bracillian Forest and leave it at that…" and with that the female Grey Warden stepped past her fellow member and towards her tent, mumbling something about getting bandages for her nose.
A/N: ... yes
Theory 1: being a shapeshifter apparently gives you amazing combat abilities no one else was freakin' aware of thanks to animal senses, constitution, and whateverthehellelse being a shapeshifter adds to your stats...
Theory 2: Duncan was really Morrigan's daddy and aparently badass blade-weilding sexiness runs in her genes, this is the REAL reason Flemeth never let her wield a sword before... like 'The Killer' in the REAL 'WANTED'... i'm invoking Naruto-genetic-rules here, note the salt n' pepper hair on both of them -points it out-
-munches popcorn- yes, i've spent too much time looking a peoples' hair...
and this is apparently the REAL reason Morrigan has 'ice-weapons' from day one... XD
god... i even started new games for all the other openings and NOT ONE of the other ones has this kind of shenanigans problem Tess does... -shrugs- go figure, i make a character that breaks the game XD
and come on peeps! you know its made of awesome and want to say something :3 (review -.-)
till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!
-Ikasury