APOV
I'm a ball of nerves as I walk into Americana for lunch. Ethan and Mia are joining us and I'm grateful for the extra company this morning. Everything seemed so clear last night but in the light of the morning the intent of his advances becomes less obvious. Elliot called and asked to move up meeting for an hour later, there were still things they needed to get done at their parents' house and that extra hour ratcheted my anxiety by tenfold.
The Grey's are already at the table when we arrive and my eyes lock with Christian's right away. Rising to greet me he kisses me on my cheek which only adds to my confusion. The party continued after we left and the three of them are obviously tired from helping until the early hours of the morning but Christian is still his attentive self and the doubt from earlier wanes as our meal progresses.
"Christian, I thought you weren't leaving for Tokyo until Tuesday, why tomorrow now?" What? He's leaving tomorrow?
"I wasn't supposed to but an issue came up early this morning with a manufacturer I use in Malaysia so I'm stopping there first. I can't push off this Tokyo trip any further so I'll have to meet with the plant manager either before or after Japan and my intention is to get back here by Saturday for the dinner."
"You've got to be back for the Coping Together Event! Mom will be so upset if you miss it! And Ana and Kate will be there this year!" Mia's pout and whine compliment the way I'd like to act and I sit back to wait for his answer.
"I'm going to try, Mia. I don't want to miss it, especially this year." He glances at me and I smile shyly, is it because of me that he wants to go? "But these meetings were scheduled months ago and I can't back out of them now, there's almost a full year of work behind this deal."
She rolls her eyes and his face hardens instantly. He really doesn't like that. Mia turns to me, her guileless eyes sending me a hidden message that I can't read.
"Ana, please tell me you'll participate in the dance auction. Kate said she'd do it already and I'm going to be doing it as well as a bunch of my friends."
The intenseness of Christians stare makes me falter. I have no idea what she's talking about but the burn of my cheeks and the intenseness of his gaze immediately alarm me.
"What's a dance auction?"
"Oh my gosh, it's so fun. All the single girls go up on stage and the MC makes up these crazy stories about them and then the single guys bid on the girls for their first dance. Last year my friend Lilly raised $12k!"
Is she serious? Is this a joke? Men bidding on women for a dance? This is a joke, right? Hells no will I subject myself to that ridiculousness.
"Are you for real?" I do my best to hide my disbelief and she shakes her head excitedly, the prospect of adding me to this harem of girls has her bouncing in her seat.
"Mia, I'm sure it's fun for you and I'm happy to hear it makes money but I would be really uncomfortable doing that. I'm going to say no." Christian's face breaks out into a huge grin and I relax. Clearly he didn't want me to do it and I feel immense pleasure at pleasing him.
"Ana, you have to! You'll make so much money for the organization! All of the single women do it!"
"Ana, it's not a big deal. It's actually pretty standard at these type of events because of the interaction it forces and the money it generates. The competitiveness raises the stakes. With that body and that face of yours, you could rake in the cash." Kate has officially sold me down the river. Ethan and Elliot are looking at me expectantly, Ethan doing his best to stop the smile playing on his mouth. I hate all of them right now.
I take a deep breath and try to think of the way things are in the world of riches that these people grew up in. Nope, it's still stupid and degrading in my opinion.
"Guys, I appreciate you wanting me involved and I'm flattered that you think I'd be…..sold….at a good amount of money but there is no way, absolutely no way in hell that I'm partaking in an event like that. None." I swallow hard and gear myself up for the next onslaught of begging and Mia doesn't disappoint.
"Just think of the money you"
"Mia! She said no, she's clearly uncomfortable with the idea and won't be doing it. Drop it!"
"But Christian! She's so pretty she could make so much money." Just hearing about it in those terms solidifies my rejection of the idea in its entirety.
"Enough, Mia. Not another word about it. She doesn't want to do it, she's not doing it. If you ask her again I'm going to be pissed so leave it alone."
My face is as crimson as it could get. I'm grateful for his backing on this but the force at which he shuts her down is alarming. He's no longer the doting older brother but has morphed into someone much more aggressive and domineering. I feel responsible for the arctic shift at the table and reach out to soothe Mia's feelings.
"Mia, I'm happy to write a check to contribute but I'm not at all comfortable with the auction. Please respect my decision. I'm really looking forward to the event and I don't want there to be discourse between us."
She smiles and kisses my cheek quickly. "None, no worries, Ana. I understand, it's fine, I promise."
A few moments later Christian takes advantage of an involved conversation within the table to lean over and ask me what my plans for the day are. I'd been managing just fine but having him so close makes me feel light headed and nervous so I shift away a few inches to collect myself.
"I have a Pilates class I'm teaching at 4p but other than that, nothing." Please please please ask me to go with you somewhere and kiss me like that again.
"Would you mind spending a few hours with me then? I'd like to see you alone before I leave. Maybe coffee at my apartment after we leave here? We could go by your place to get your workout gear and then I could drop you at the studio again. That gives us a solid two hours or so." YES!
The prospect of being alone with Christian for two hours at his home is exhilarating and I quickly agree. He looks pleased but pensive, not exactly the reaction I was going for. Nonetheless, when we're finished he stands and says goodbye, tossing another $100 onto the table. Ethan looks a bit confused but his siblings and Kate have spent enough time with him to know it's not up for discussion who pays when we're out.
"I'll see you all when I return. Ana?" He offers me his hand and I take it, surprising Kate and Ethan who quickly wave goodbye. He doesn't let it go while we walk out or to the quick walk to the car and instead of opening my door he turns me towards him and pulls me close, holding my enclosed hand behind my back.
His eyes are searching mine for approval but I don't know how much more forward I can make myself other than to scream, "Kiss me damn it!" When I make no move to get away he kisses me softly, pressing those sensual lips against my own. I open my mouth immediately, the desire for him to really kiss me taking over the prudish behavior I should be exhibiting, and he licks my tongue with his own before sucking my lip between his and nipping it gently.
After a minute of being suspended in time with this man he pulls back and kisses me quickly one last time.
"It was so hard not to do that the minute you walked in. You look beautiful today, Anastasia."
I swear to God I'm flying. I know I turn and get in the car and he closes the door, I know we went to my apartment and I hurriedly got my workout clothes and mat before getting back in the car but I couldn't tell you how I actually did any of it since I'm somewhere off in LaLa Land.
"You have your own parking area?" The building he lives in, Escala, is not new to me. I've seen it often and since it's the place to live in city center Seattle, everyone knows it. I wasn't surprised at all to be pulling into the underground garage of this particular building but I was surprised when he pulled into one of six spots, right by the elevators, all marked, "Reserved, Penthouse". All but two of the spots were taken, I recognize the AUDI SUV but there are also two AUDI 4's parked and now Christian's Spyder.
"Yes, those two cars are Taylors and Mrs. Jones' for their days off. You know the SUV." He opens my door and walks me to the elevator, punches in a code and the door opens immediately. He punches in another number, the doors close and we begin to ascend.
"Do you feel that?" he's standing across the lift from me, leaning against the wall with his hands tightly holding onto the rail. I don't need to ask what he's referring to.
"Yes."
The doors finally open into a vast lobby made of white marble. There's a huge flower arrangement against the right wall on a white table and 8X10 pictures of the Madonna and child in a straight line across the length of the walls. I immediately make the connection to his struggle with his birth mom and feel a pang of sadness for him. I wonder if he's aware of why he chose these paintings.
The door opens and I try, very hard, to not let my jaw hit the floor. His place is huge, massive, in a word, a waste of space. It's as colorless as possible with white furniture and white walls. The artwork on the walls is of abstracts and even most of them are in black and white. I notice hardly any knickknacks or personal effects but knowing that this place is his, lends it a personality I can only describe as impersonal. I don't like it. It looks like a showroom, not a home and my eyes dart around looking for something, anything that reminds me of him.
He leads me to the kitchen which is a bit warmer, there are at least objects in here that signify that someone lives here, and offers me an espresso. I'd rather have a drink but after the cocktail party, I've determined to limit my alcohol consumption around him lest he thinks I'm a drunk. I ask for an iced tea and he gets two together and leads me to his great room. It's an extension of the first room we walked in but it at least has the view of Seattle front and center. The furniture in here is large and hardly used but I'm determined to be affable so after I've exclaimed my joy at seeing Seattle from this vantage point, I sit with my drink on the far end of the couch.
Christian sits in the middle and turns to me. His nerves are shot and it makes me very very nervous. Why is he nervous?
"Ana, I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night." He takes a shaky breath and runs his fingers through his hair again. I'm about to throw up I'm so anxious and his behavior is not helping at all.
"I've never had to have a conversation like this before, all of my previous….physical relationships have been held in a manner that made conversations like this unnecessary." He's literally tugging his hair so hard it's making me upset so I reach out and touch his arm to stop him. He freezes and slowly lowers his arm, his eyes wide.
"You're making me terribly nervous, Christian. Are you upset about what happened last night? Did you not like it?" Please don't be upset, it will crush me.
He scoffs, "Not like it? Ana, it was awesome. You have to know what you do to me." I must look confused because he continues quickly.
"I'm very much attracted to you and I think you're attracted to me." He waits until I nod my head yes and then continues. "I have….issues…things that I don't want to involve you in but if I pursue this with you, then they become your issues as well. I…I'm conflicted because I want you so much but I'm hesitant to do anything about it knowing what I'm dealing with."
"I don't understand, Christian, what issues are you talking about?" Is he crazy? Sick? Involved with someone else?
"Fuck, this is so stupid!" There goes that hand again, pulling his perfectly messed up hair with a vengeance. He stands and starts pacing until he stops in front of me and takes yet another deep breath.
"I don't know any other way to explain this other than to just say it so that's what I'm going to do. I've never spoken about this with anyone except my therapist so I'm asking that you keep this to yourself, no matter what decision you make about us in the future. I also ask that you not hate me, that would kill me, Ana."
"You're freaking me out, Christian! Did you kill someone? Are you involved with drugs or illegal stuff? What is going on?"
Another freaking deep breath.
"I've been involved in a sexual lifestyle my entire life, well, since I started having sex. It's…unconventional and not one I expect you to know about but it's the reason I've never had a girlfriend and the reason I thought I never would."
An unconventional sexual lifestyle. The air is slowly being leaked out of my lungs as the weight of his words fall on my shoulders. "Explain, please."
"Have you ever heard of BDSM?"
Holy shit, no he didn't just ask me that. Oh my god.
"Do you mean like whips and chains and things like that?" I'm whispering, it's all I can manage right now but I have to answer him.
"There's more to it than that but yes, those things are part of it."
"Oh."
He raises his eyebrows and sits again, turned towards me. I'm staring at the floor totally unsure of what I'm supposed to be contributing here.
"I've never known anything else with regards to sex and relationships with women. I've never been interested in anything else…until now. I'd been working with my therapist for years to help me figure out and deal with my….issues and proclivities but there was never a real reason for me to be doing so. Until now."
"Why now?"
"Because of you. I want to be with you and what I want with you and what I've known don't mix. I'm confused because there is nothing in the more harsh aspects of the lifestyle that I want to do with you. But there are other things…that I…shit!" He closes his eyes and refocuses them on me when he opens them again. "There are other things that I very much want to do. With you."
I should feel flattered I guess but instead I feel afraid. I only know what I've seen in movies or heard from jokes casually tossed around. There is no chance I'm subjecting myself to whips and chains and imprisonment. I back up slightly and his face falls, the gesture sending him the wrong message.
"Christian, I have no idea what you want me to say or do right now. This is so totally out of my awareness and my own…..sexual experience if you will, that I am completely clueless."
"Tell me you don't hate me, tell me you're not disgusted with me, that you're not upset with me." He's pleading, inching closer and closer until our knees are touching. His eyes are desperate and sad but I can't offer anything more than a weak shrug.
"I don't hate you and I don't think you're disgusting. I don't know anything about your past or what you've done and I don't know jack shit about BDSM. I guess I don't know enough about how you've lived to decide if I'm upset." Now I take a deep breath. "I guess I'm mostly surprised and thrown off kilter."
"What do you want to know?"
"I guess I'd like to know what you want from me. Do you want this….lifestyle you keep referring to? Or are you looking for something different? Where do we stand? What are we doing?" I'm trying so hard to not sound desperate, I want this with him so much but the shit he's throwing at me right now is confusing and not at all what I expected to be talking about.
"Ana, I have never, and I'm being sincere, never, felt anything for anyone the way I feel for you. When I first saw you that night in your apartment, I definitely wanted to make you my submissive but as I've gotten to know you and have spent time with you, my…feelings…have evolved past that. I want to be with you in every sense of the word. You're sweet, smart, funny, caring, kind, charismatic, gentle, nice and good and I'm just fifty shades of fucked up. You deserve someone who isn't such a fuck up and I'm trying, diligently, to be that someone. It would destroy me if my shit dragged you down, I'd never forgive myself."
I am so confused right now. My head is spinning and I'm getting angry. What the hell does he want?
"Let me try to clarify. You like me, you're attracted to me and you want to date me. Normally. But you also want to include aspects of your current lifestyle of BDSM and you want to hold off on being with me until you figure out exactly why you are the way you are because you're afraid you're going to mess us up and in the long run, mess me up."
He's quiet and his eyes are huge. "Yes, that's pretty much it. There are other things I need to work through but overall, you've nailed it. You never cease to amaze me, Ana."
I have no time to respond though before he lunges at me, wrapping his hand in my hair and kissing me with a ferociousness I've only ever seen in the movies. Startled as I am my body can't help but respond to his and I kiss him back even as he pulls me down so that I'm lying on the couch while he hovers above me. He only slows long enough to allow us each a breath and pulls back to give me a smile before he kisses me again, slower and gentler this time.
"I don't know what you're doing to me, Ana. You've changed everything and you haven't even tried." His gentle kisses are more disarming than the demanding ones and I melt into him, my hands running up his arms and around his neck holding him to me. He groans and pushes his hips against me, the hardness of his erection digging into my belly. Oh my, yes.
We do this for what feels like hours but in reality I know it's only a few minutes. I want to touch him everywhere but I can only hold his arms, the muscles shifting when he pulls me closer. His hand slides from my neck to my shoulder and down my arm, stopping to grab my hip before inching down to the exposed skin of my knee. The burn of his skin on mine is welcomed against the cool breeze I feel when he lifts my leg and runs that heat up the outside of my thigh and up to my bare hip. I moan into his mouth when he reaches around and cups my ass and I grind up into him, needing the friction of his body between my legs.
"You are so sexy, Ana. You have no idea what you do to me." He's breathing hard and fast and pushing his erection against me at a slow pace and while my body encourages him, my mind starts to race. He's never said where we stand now, just what he wants in the long run. Can you really ask him to give up something he enjoys for you? How can you expect to hold him when you've never even had sex? How many women has there been? How did he get involved?
I'm about to pull away to try to get some clarity when he jerks himself away from me, his eyes wide and fearful.
"What is this, Ana?" His hand is knotted in my hair, pulling my head to his and I know exactly what he's talking about. "Is this a scar? From what? Did someone do this to you?"
I'm unfocused and caught off guard, my silence enraging him as he sits and runs his hands through his hair. "Who? Who hurt you? Who did this to you?"
"It was a long time ago, Christian and it's long since been taken care of. It's over. I don't want to talk about it so please calm down." I'm still on my back, my skirt hiked up on one side and my heart beating wildly. The exposure embarrasses me and I pull my skirt down and shift to sit, tucking my legs beneath me. His eyes haven't left mine but he says nothing more.
"I should go, I've got to get to the studio and open up." I stand, my legs shaky and as I walk I'm aware of the uncomfortable wet feeling between my legs. I stumble to where I sat my bag and walk to the elevator but he's followed me, his blank look echoing what's going on in my mind.
"Ana, I'm sorry. I…I can't stand the thought of someone hurting you, please, don't go."
"I need to leave now anyway. If you don't mind I'll change here and you can drop me off after?" I give him the smallest of smiles and he sighs before showing me the bathroom off of the kitchen. When I come out he rises from the chair he was sitting on and looks me up and down, an appreciative smile on his lips.
"You look good in everything but I've got to say, the yoga look is definitely your best. Come on, we don't want you to be late." He rings for the elevator and it opens immediately. The atmosphere inside does nothing to calm the storm in my mind and I'm not surprised at all when he pushes me up against the wall and kisses me again, this time palming my ass in his hands and pulling me hard against him.
"One day, Ana, I will fuck you in this elevator." My eyes are as wide as saucers and he grins before continuing. "And the one at GEH, don't think I haven't noticed how you avoid riding it with me." When the elevator pings he pulls me to the car and stands back to watch me get in.
"What?" I ask when he's still smiling after driving for a few minutes.
"Your ass is perfection."
"Christian!" I laugh and smack his arm, he rubs it like it hurt but he's grinning when we pull into the studio parking lot.
"You're sure your friend Heather can drive you home?" I nod yes and he turns to me and takes my face in his hands. "I want this to become something, Ana. More than anything I've ever wanted anything I want this to work, but I've got to get my shit sorted out first. I can't be what you deserve right now but I'm working diligently to get there."
I have no words to give to him, my mind is swirling with questions and visions that overwhelm me so I lean up and kiss him softly one last time before I open my door.
"Be safe in Tokyo, Christian. Thank you for trusting me today." Then I turn to walk inside but at the very last minute, I turn and blow him a kiss. He smiles, a genuine Christian Grey panty busting smile.
CPOV
I vaguely remember shoving things in garbage bags while Mia went on and on about how hot Ethan Kavanagh was. Ana went home in the same car with him, to the same apartment he's now sleeping in. There seemed to be no history between them outside of friendship but I'm paralyzed with the fear that at some point, he's been with her.
I've always had the need to possess; companies, money, power, control but I have never felt the compulsion to 'own' another person. By default my family is 'mine' and I help them when I can but I don't want to 'own' them. Outside of Elena I don't have friends and have zero desire to 'own' her. My submissives were 'mine' for the time our contract was active but I hardly ever thought about them outside of the weekends they were in my home and even then I felt no proprietary ownership of them. I had never given their previous or future sexual partners a second thought, it had never occurred to me to do so but with Ana, I find that I'm obsessed with the men with whom she's given herself to. Was Ethan Kavanagh one of them?
Sitting here, in the dark quiet of my childhood bedroom, my mind runs with visuals of her with other men and I think up every scenario I can to claim her as mine and only mine. I want to possess her, body, mind, soul and spirit. I want to meet every one of her needs, be her beginning and her end, make her fully dependent on me and me alone. I have given nothing of myself away to the women I've fucked but with Ana, I want to give it all.
To feel her body against mine and to have her want me inflamed me more than any submissive, more than any spanking, more than any caning or whipping or fucking I've ever experienced. It was a game changer, a glimpse of what Ana and I could have together, of how amazing we would be. If I wanted her before, I need her now.
I can still taste her, still feel the brush of her hair against my hands when I pulled her close. The feel of her mouth, the sound of her little moans and god the heat between her legs. It was like a sirens call, drawing me to the promised land. I tried to not kiss her, I tried to control myself, I've spent the better part of 13 years teaching myself control but with Ana, I literally can't. Even now, sitting on the edge of this bed I can't help but think about how soft her skin was or the way the sun brought out the gold flecks in her eyes.
When the sun begins to rise I call Flynn and demand an emergency session. 7am on a Sunday alarmed him enough so that he agreed to meet me at his office at 10. After a quick breakfast with my family I make an excuse about work and head out, Elliot promising to push off brunch for an hour so that I can deal with the 'work' issue and not miss out. Has he always tried this hard to be a good brother? Am I just now noticing?
There are so many thoughts running through my head and so many questions I want answered that I don't know where to start so I just lay out the last 24 hours for him, from the house tour and my confession about my birth mother to the kiss. Why did I tell her so much? Why did I want to?
"So, you kissed her, like a normal man and a normal woman in a normal setting. No bondage, no contracts, no limits."
"Yes."
"And how was it?"
I can't help the smile that creeps over my face. "Amazing. Perfect. Confusing. It terrified me and turned me on and made me feel settled and confused the fuck out of me all at the same time." A long moment passes before he begins to speak.
"What you felt was a connection, Christian. You have done all manners of sexual acts with numerous different women but you have never been intimate with any of them."
The asshole lays his pen down and steeples his fingers, tapping one on his mouth while he squints and assesses me.
"Christian, you have been coming here for eight years, correct? You have told me everything that is wrong with you, everything that has happened to you and everything you were currently involved in. What you have never told me, no matter how many times I've prodded you, was what you wanted out of these sessions, perhaps you didn't know. What is your goal in coming here now?"
I hate him, I'd like nothing more than to punch that smirk right off of his face and ship his ass back to England. The bullshit is, he's right, I've been coming here and hashing and rehashing the same shit over and over but what for? Just to be rid of nightmares? Because I felt an obligation to my parents? I have no idea why I've been coming here in the past, but I do now.
"I'm here now because I want to be worthy of her. I want to be able to tell her about my sick shit in the past tense and offer her a future with me devoid of secrets." I'm pacing the room furiously pulling at my hair but the truth is so obvious that it stares me in the face. "Fuck it! I'm afraid of taking the person that she is and twisting her all up and having her resent me and then being the one to ruin her."
"So ultimately you want a relationship with Anastasia that you deem as healthy for her and in the current lifestyle that you've chosen you don't feel it's in her best interest to be with you right now? Is that correct?"
"You keep saying that I chose this. This is who I am! I'm a sadist, how can I just shut that off?"
He throws up his hands in frustration and exclaims, "You are not a sadist! You have related to and have therefore chosen a sexual lifestyle that offers you control and pleasure on your terms. You were introduced to the lifestyle at an impressionable age when your own sexuality was still developing and then manipulated into believing that it was the only way you could ever be with a woman."
And we're back to Elena. No matter how many times I've explained to him how she helped me it always comes back to this. He plows on completely unaffected by my silent animosity for him.
"Let me ask you this, if Ana wanted to be tied up, would you do it?"
"Fuck yes."
"And if she asked you to use toys on her, for pleasure, not pain?"
There are few things more embarrassing for a man than getting a boner while in the presence of another man but try as I might, the images of her in these scenarios is doing just that.
"I'd do anything she asked of me."
"Now imagine her with welts across her back and bottom because of a cane. What do you feel now?"
"Anger, sadness, disgust."
"And her crying because you hurt her, even if it was a 'punishment' she deserved?"
"I couldn't handle it, I have no desire to hurt her in anyway. The thought is abhorrent to me." I would kill someone who hurt her.
"Then you are not a sadist. Furthermore, you are in love. Whether you choose to admit it or not, you have already chosen between Ana and the lifestyle you're accustomed to." I stare at him in disbelief. Did he just tell me I was in love? Is he fucking crazy? I have paid this man close to a million dollars over the last few years and he boils it down to a decision I have 'already made' and then tells me I'm in love. He's the one who needs therapy.
"I can't love her, John. I'm not capable."
He laughs right in my face but I'm so caught off guard that all I can do is stare at him.
"Christian, I have been doing this same song and dance with you for almost eight years. Before me there were countless other therapists and none of us have been able in 20 something years to get you to where you are now. Ana did that. In two weeks. You, my friend, are in love. And that's a wonderful thing."
I still don't believe him but see no point in arguing.
"So what do I do?"
"You love her. You choose to not hurt her, you choose to close that chapter of your life. You work through the reasons you became involved in the lifestyle and you face the reality that you were molested as a young boy and handed a slew of issues that have followed you for 13 years now. You choose to be with Ana or you choose to continue doing what you've been doing with women who want it."
I feel repulsed, physically repulsed by the mention of me and another woman. Now that I've met Ana, there is no other woman for me.
"If it were that easy, I'd have done it already." I'm standing on a precipice. One side is the life I've always known, the other the life I never knew I wanted. So close and still so far away.
"You've already done it. You've decided that you can't hurt Ana. If you want her in your life, than the heavier aspects of BDSM don't fit. You've already chosen her, you've said it numerous times today and even before today. Does the loss of the punishments or the pain side of BDSM upset you? Do you feel like giving up the total control that it affords you is worth the gain of Anastasia in your life?"
I think very carefully at what I'm feeling. Do I feel a loss? No. Am I upset or panicked? No. Having Ana in my life is worth the trade off ten fold and I realize that Flynn is right. I've already made the decision to do what it takes. That shit has to go and unbelievably enough, I want it to go. It excites me.
"Thanks, John." I stand and go but not before I see the surprise on his face. In six years, I've yet to thank him until today.
"It was bullshit of you to bail this morning. Mia and I just finished helping an hour ago. What the fuck man, I thought you were turning a corner or something."
"I told you, I had to get something done before I left tomorrow and it couldn't wait. I sent three guys over from my maintenance crew to help! What more do you want me to do?" I'm watching the door to the restaurant waiting for Ana, Kate and Ethan to arrive.
Before Mia can jump in she spots Ethan and we rise to greet them. Ana is the last one in and she smiles shyly at me. She looks sweet, demure even in her short skirt and jean jacket with fuck me another white tank top. I'd love nothing more than to kiss her full on the mouth but with everyone watching and knowing what I need to talk to her about, I keep it simple and kiss her cheek. It leaves me unsatisfied and longing for more.
I had forgotten about the first dance auction until Mia brought it up and for a few seconds I almost blew up but when I saw Ana's face, I could see she was appalled. I'd never really thought about it but the idea is quite antiquated and, well, stupid. Mia keeps on pressing her but my girl, she doesn't back down. That's right baby, nobody bids on you. I step in when she starts getting hounded by Kate, if anyone can convince her it's that one but I know every fucker in there would be betting on her and while I'm going to do my best to get back in time, the reality is, I probably won't.
I've had enough of lunch and the company at this table. I want Ana and I want her to myself. We started something last night and I have every intention of seeing it through but she deserves to know the truth about me from the start. My stomach twists as we stand to go, she has no idea what I'm about to lay on her.
She holds my hand when we leave and the contact leaves me wanting more, I want to feel her body against mine, convince myself that she's real and not imaginary, not too good to be true. When I turn her towards me she doesn't hesitate like she did last night, she looks at me and wills me to kiss her so I do. Magic. Again. She fits perfectly in my arms, her tiny frame bending to my will. I could kiss her all day but it seems wrong to keep pulling her in when I'm about to drop a bomb on her so I tuck her into the car and take her to Escala.
The electric pull to her intensifies once we're in the elevator and I keep my distance, gripping the rail to stop myself from attacking her. I'm taking her in, memorizing every inch of her frame and her gorgeous face as the floor numbers rise. Once I open this world of mine to her, she may never want to see me again. The thought pains me.
When she walks in I stand back and take it in, her in my space. Anastasia in my home, walking on my floor and drinking out of my glass, looking out of my window and sitting on my couch. She slips off her sandals and lays her jacket over the breakfast stool. Oh shit, look at her breasts in that shirt.
I've sat with presidents and royalty, I've argued with Saudi Princes and played golf with foreign diplomats but I have never in my life been as anxious as I am right now. I don't know where to begin, there's so much to tell. Maybe you should have thought about this before you brought her up here.
Just start with last night, just fucking talk, she's going to freak out if you don't stop with this bullshit.
"Ana, I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night." She's nervous about what I have to say. She should be.
"I've never had to have a conversation like this before, all of my previous….physical relationships have been held in a manner that made conversations like this unnecessary." I'm terrified, fucking terrified of her reaction until she reaches out and touches me, the shock of her touch calming the storm inside of me.
"You're making me terribly nervous, Christian. Are you upset about what happened last night? Did you not like it?" What? Not like it? Is she kidding me? I jerked off twice thinking about it! She has no idea of the effect she has on me.
I'm tripping over my words as I try to choose them carefully but I'm still floundering, bumbling through a quick sugar coated explanation that barely touches the heart of the matter.
"I've been involved in a sexual lifestyle my entire life, well, since I started having sex. It's…unconventional and not one I expect you to know about but it's the reason I've never had a girlfriend and the reason I thought I never would." Her eyes are focused on mine, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. That tank top is killing me.
I try to explain BDSM in the most mundane terms possible but even toned down I can see her discomfort. Tell her it all, really rock her world! Her voice is barely a whisper and her eyes are downcast but she's still sitting here and I am amazed at how calm she's being. I trudge on, explaining the relationships I've had while trying to explain what I want now.
"Why now?"
"Because of you." Simply put, Ms. Steele, you have become my reason for living. I have to be honest and I am, telling her that there are aspects of the lifestyle that I want to have with her and the confusion grows on her face, unease spreading through me like wildfire. She thinks you only want her for sex now you asshole. I backtrack in an attempt to clarify that I like her and that I want to be with her and she's taking it all in, uncertainty and shock marring her face.
She cuts through the bull shit and lays out the gist of this conversation in two sentences. Two sentences and she's nailed it. She knows and she's still here. I want her, desperately and when she bites on that lip again, I lose all control as so often happens around her, and pounce.
She responds immediately, opening her mouth to mine with a groan that goes straight to my dick. In one quick move I've pulled her close and lain her body beneath mine. So sweet, so so sweet. Her unrestrained hands run the length of my arms and I involuntarily tense but then they touch my face and my need for her ignites into something I can't control. I have to touch her, have to feel her and make her mine. Her legs are like silk, the smooth skin of her ass begging me to grab and caress it. I can feel that damp heat pressed against the tip of my dick and I grind against it looking for some much needed friction. Oh god, yes. She grinds back and my fingers trail up to the tiny strip of fabric running across her hip while my other hand tangles in her hair.
What the fuck is this? I run my fingers over a two inch raised scar on the back of her head and pull away, my eyes searching hers for an answer. What is this? I freak out, reacting without thinking and all that does is shut her down and scare her. When she gets up to leave I panic, she can't leave like this, I have to make this right. My mind is spinning at a hundred miles an hour. Who did that to her?
I temporarily control the rage that's building inside of me and salvage the afternoon, doing my best to lighten the mood and draw her back to me. I'm counting the minutes before I can call Welch to pull her medical records but she distracts me the minute she walks out of the bathroom.
Fuck me, yoga pants again. She looks hot as shit in her little, and I do mean little, work out gear. I have a sudden urge to take up Pilates, private classes of course. The mood has lifted along with my cock and in the elevator, all I can think about is grabbing her ass again and getting those sweet lips back on mine.
"One day, Ana, I will fuck you in this elevator." The words are out before I can filter them but I don't give a flying fuck right now and instead press her against the wall and grab those perfectly round cheeks roughly, pulling her body tightly into mine. I want to possess her, and soon I will.
I dread saying goodbye to her especially knowing that she'll most likely be attending the Coping Together Event without me and that dick face will be there. But as unhappy as I am about our parting, I can't wait to see her walk away from this car so that I can get a good look at that ass again. Oh yea, just as good as I remember. A thousand dirty thoughts are playing in my head as I watch her walk into the building and then she turns and blows me a kiss.
This innocent gesture shared by millions of people every day has never been bestowed upon me and when she does it a surge of affection rushes through me, emotions I've never experienced before rushing to the surface but all I can do is smile dumbly back at her. She blew me a kiss.
"Sir, we have news about Jack Hyde." Taylor is waiting for me in the foyer of Grey House when I walk in after dropping off Ana. I'm happy with the way we left things but I'm also afraid that given the amount of time she has to think about what I said that she'll back pedal. I plan to inundate her at the office in the hopes that she'll be too distracted to dwell on my revelations.
"He's been sent on assignment to Houston for the next two weeks, there's an author's forum that he'll be attending. Sawyer also hasn't had any sightings of him around Ana or her apartment since your threat to him last week."
I've had Luke Sawyer, a new member of my security team, assigned to watch Ana from a safe distance specifically because of Hyde. Knowing her constant whereabouts is just a nice byproduct of his work.
"I feel like the immediate threat has been downgraded though I'm not ready to take him off of our watch list. With him out of Seattle and his apparent withdrawal from her life, I feel like we can move this particular threat from probable to unlikely."
"I'm not taking away her protection, Taylor. Next Monday the acquisition of SIP will be completed and then I'm firing his ass the minute he returns from wherever the fuck you said he was."
"Agreed, sir. She's been seen with you too many times for her to be left unprotected. Even with the press reporting that she's a business associate we've seen an uptick on online searches about her and we've noticed a few photographers waiting outside of the Grey House building on the days that she's here. My suggestion is to keep Sawyer on her for the time being and when you return, one of us alerting her to her need for protection and moving him to close protection." He coughs and continues. "I'm aware that as of now your….relationship is private but eventually the press is going to want more and I'd like to be prepared for offence instead of playing defense."
Good man, he's read my mind. Once the press figures out that little Ms. Anastasia Steele is of an interest to me, she'll be relentlessly pursued and I want someone in place to protect her from the sleaze.
"Has Barney made any headway with his home computer?" We've long since hacked into the SIP mainframe but Hyde's computer showed nothing of interest, a small comfort to me. Updating their security is going to be my number two priority when we take over. Firing Jack Hyde will be number one.
"He hasn't. The system Hyde uses is extremely sophisticated and has thousands of IP addresses weaved together to form an almost impossible tracking system. It's worrisome."
"Tell Welch I want any and all tools at his disposal utilized to gain access into that computer. I also want him to pull me Anastasia's medical records."
Taylor studies me carefully. This is new ground for us, what I want and what I'm asking of two of my staff is not only illegal but it's ethically wrong. But the truth of the matter is I don't give a fuck. I want to know what happened, when, and who. If someone hurt her, they are going to pay.
Normally I work on long flights, I have an office on board along with access to all of my online files. Not being able to take phone calls affords me uninterrupted work time, something that is impossible otherwise. This flight though, I'm reading Tolkien's 'The Hobbit'. Natalia, the online stewardess, has twice now asked if I would like a beverage but what she's really asking is if I'd like to fuck her in the onboard bedroom. Not a chance, sweetheart. I've only got one set of legs I want walking in that room and yours aren't it.
I take a break from reading to set the scene I eventually want with Ana back there. I've never brought anyone outside of family or business associates on this plane but since meeting her, I've spent an inordinate amount of time figuring out ways to fuck her on every possible surface in my office, my home, my car, her apartment, the Pilates studio and now the jet. Up against the wall. Ah yes, that's how I want to fuck her here, against the wall and then I want to dismiss the crew and have her ride me in this very seat.
Ros's hoarse voice rudely pulls me out of my sexual stupor. "The Hobbit?"
"I haven't read it since the 10th grade. Someone mentioned it the other day and I wanted to reacquaint myself with it." Shut up, now.
Her lips quirk up and she tries hard to suppress the smile that's formulating. "Hmmm. I don't know that I've ever seen you read anything other than work shit."
The look I'm throwing her way is a direct challenge to keep going. I dare you. She backs down and closes her eyes after putting in her ear buds but she doesn't go as far as wiping the smirk from her face.