Heat of the Moment

Chapter 10

Merlin rushed out of the castle, hand covering his mouth to muffle the choking sounds he made due to the tears that streamed down his face. He cursed himself for being so weak, fleeing to a place no one would find him – but he did it anyway. When he ended up somewhere in the stables, in a small corner, he fell on his knees.

A small voice kept repeating 'What did you expect? What did you?' and then he'd respond with an 'I don't know! I do not know!' He curled himself up like a little ball, wrapping his arms over his knees, which he put under his chin. He let the waterfalls stream over his face, sure sometime he would run out of the tears, right? But it felt like the amount of buckets he could fill with them would be infinite.

Merlin tried to stay positive – Arthur had not disapproved, nor had he said Merlin was to leave Camelot or burnt at the spot for having magic. It was going to be alright was something he didn't dare to think, but the feeling was definitely there – in a tini-tiny part of his heart. He brought a hand to his mouth, and that was when he remembered the strange taste in it, weren't the salty tears, but was the blood from biting his lips. He sniffed, shrugged for no reason. Will I be missed by Gaius? he thought, will he be searching for me? Only then it began to dawn on him Alena would arrive today. Lovely Alena, who he had missed so – and he couldn't face her like this.

Arthur placed his hands in his hair, pulling so hard at his hair roots that he moaned in pain. His head was spinning at the move, making him so dizzy he had to tell himself to lay down. Or had it been the headache from being drunk? He didn't know – but he knew the lips that had kissed him so tenderly only yesterday, had admitted they were able to cast spells effortlessly.

Arthur looked dizzily around his room and let his eyes fall upon Morgana's Christmas gift, the lucky hoof. ''Lucky,'' he snorted, letting a sarcastic laugh roll from his throat. With an empty head his hands automatically found the way to the grip of his sword and he started to hit Morgana's stupid present until it lay broken in four pieces on the floor. That was it with his anger. But it hadn't stop the thoughts that were haunting him in his head.

Merlin never cared enough about you to tell you.

When has Merlin used his magic and what for?

The unexplainable things that have happened to you in certain situations, from which you always thought it was coincidence – have they been Merlin's doing all along? If so, how many times has your life been saved by him? Are you useless? Can't you win a fight without someone saving your ass when you're not looking? Yes. Not looking. Because, why HAVE YOU NEVER NOTICED A GODDAMN THING?

This idiot he used to make Merlin out for, had that been a mask? Of course he knew Merlin wasn't a bloody idiot deep down inside, but a sorcerer? Zero, nada, null idea.

When Arthur let himself fall on his bed, he buried his face in his pillow (Who else knows about Merlin's magic? Are you the only one?) and shoved his arms under it. His fingers felt a soft material tangling in them and for a brief moment he wondered what it was when all of a sudden a big lump appeared in his throat. Slowly, almost unwillingly by all the emotions it freed, he removed his hands from the pillow and recognised the green ribbon he was holding.

Merlin, he thought, seeing a face with beautiful cheekbones, blue yes, bright smile and messy hair before him, o Merlin – I love you so – so much.

Immediately, he had problems breathing. He had to leave this place before it drove him insane. Quickly he dressed himself, wrote a small note to Morgana why she shouldn't worry and that he'd come back to help organising this dumb new year's ball. He didn't take the time to eat breakfast – he did take his time to put the soft green ribbon in one of his pockets, before making his way to the stables.

Beauluty curiously turned her head as her owner stepped into the stables. She pushed her nose in his jacket when he was near enough to touch. Arthur smiled. In battle he was used to riding a stallion, but for small trips this lovely, brown mare took him wherever he wanted to be. He'd grown quite attached to the horse. He moved through the stable to find a saddle, an appel to feed the horse (he couldn't help himself from taking a bite as well), and then his ears noticed a heartbreaking sound. Arthur managed to keep a neutral face expression, pretending he didn't hear a thin, black haired boy, who he'd called 'lover' last night, sobbing in his sleeping wear.

But if hearts could break – literally – Arthur's would be scattered over the hay in a thousand pieces. His hands started to shake and he forced himself to keep a firm hold on the apple, to not let it drop. The low cries continued, but with all his willpower Arthur chose to ignore it, and he rode off on Beauluty. Between his fingers, a small twenty minutes later, he was touching a white berry that wasn't exactly grown attached to the oak tree, but secured with a red ribbon. Bought on a market in Camelot.

''Do you think you'll get lucky today, my lord?'' the woman behind the shelf had asked, and he had given her a secret smile (''who knows, who knows?'') before he'd walked away.

How fast time went, Arthur thought.

Merlin's eyes were abruptly opened by Gaius' voice that was calling out his name in both relief and anger. ''Where have you been, Merlin? What are you doing here?''

Merlin looked at him, puzzled for a moment, then stuttered: ''Wha– what happened?'' His fingers touched the itchy hay, and the puzzle was solved. How could he have been so stupid to fall – cry himself asleep? The last image on his mind was Arthur, with the thought: Please don't let him see me like this. Please. He'd been wanting to hide further into the stables, but his muscles felt like pudding and so he'd simply begged for Arthur not to see him. After that he'd truly meant to make his way back to the castle, but he'd felt so paralysed, so exhausted, that things had gone in a different direction. Now Gaius was watching him with a you–look–horrible–expression on his face that made Merlin never wanting to look in the mirror once more. How bad would it be?

Gaius seemed to have read his thoughts, because he said: ''We'll walk to the palace, and you'll tell me what happened. Then you'll clean yourself up as fast as lightning, because there's no way you can face Alena like this. Poor girl's been travelling for days and this is how you repay her? I wish I knew what was going on in your brains, Merlin.''

Merlin sighed. Oh, you don't want to know, he thought. Although, he was doubting whether to tell Gaius or not.

When Merlin dared to look in the mirror, his face was smeared with blood, dirt and tears. In his hair lay some hay and he smelled like all the previous named things, but then mixed. Disgusting.

Gaius had given him a bucket with water, but above all a word of advice. And it was this advice, that had released a hopeful spark in Merlin's eyes – that had made him believe again, even if it was just a little bit.

He splashed some water in his face and filled his lungs with fresh air. Two more days until the new year's ball, Gaius had reminded him. How long Arthur needed to think and sort his feelings out he didn't know, but at this ball Arthur and he ought to be in the same room, breath the same air and dance the same dances – it was the moment to be able to face Arthur again.

The fact Merlin had to give him time Merlin understood. But he couldn't give him all the time in the world. There had to follow a confrontation, fight, solution and no matter which on it would be, everything would be better than being ignored for all eternity. And that was why Merlin set his hopes high for the new year's ball.