The Stars are Falling.
We exit her death trap of a Civic. I'm adding parachute to her Christmas list of essentials. It's likely she'll need it sometime soon. That and a helmet. It'll probably save her life, and all that. What do they call the people who save the evil villain's life? Super, super heroes? Probably not.
I'm surprised my legs are still functioning. I thought I lost them out the closed window on the last left turn. I nearly did lose my fingers from lack of circulation. I'm sure I suffocated her door handle to death. Then again, it was alive, I'm sure it would have already died from fright long before I strangled it.
And to add to the fright, here I am, back in horror movie central, still wobbly on my legs. Wobbly is a word that should only be linked with debilitating substances; therefore, evil hyena is officially debilitating. I'm glad it's official. At least, out of the car, I don't have to fear for my life, due to the fact that I'm with a ruthless, super villain with laser eyes. Laser trumps knives; it's a given.
"Are you coming?" Psh, you can only dream, Doc. How'd she get to that door, the annoyingly white one with no doorbell? I swear, she can teleport. The superpowers must come in a group package, or something. She holds the door open for me and I walk through. It smells of rocks and banshees and hyenas. How do I get myself into these predicaments? Oh, right, because I was granted the misfortune of having the anti-Christ as my psychiatrist. Only the super lucky ones get this lucky.
She slips off her shoes and I do the same, but begrudgingly. I have to suppress the urge to lock the shoes in my arms. Don't want to give Bugs over there any ideas. The next thing I know she'll be asking for my first born in exchange for my sanity and a pair of shoes. The sadist. "Glen!" She calls into the seemingly silent mess.
"Lil' sis, you're home early." He enters the hallway where I am still concocting a way to lock my shoes down to the ground with maybe a fingerprint lock release, or something. Isn't he kind of short to be a basketball star? Doc got the super brain powers; he must have gotten super speed. A whole big, evil, super powered family. He has to be evil, or pathetic, sleeping with Madison. "Ashley Davies, you are more beautiful in person and I thought it would be impossible." Well, at least we know who the smart Carlin is, married to Madison or not. I mean, it's cool to study banshees not so much to study rocks.
Hyena rolls her eyes. Way to breach copyright laws and all that, Doc. "Glen, we're going to watch a movie." She begins down the hall, but her brick of a brother blocks my way. I bet him and Aiden are best friends, they think on the same frequency.
"You go watch a movie, maybe Ashley would rather cook with a basketball star." She smiles and me and winks. "I'll even let you lick the spoon." Oh, joy? He's like an overly presumptuous peacock. What's with their parents and animals? I bet they come from a hippo/giraffe mix. Seems fitting enough, I guess. Actually, that makes no sense, but they're the only exotic animals I could think of that weren't lizards.
"Bench warmers hardly constitutes star, Glen." So the Doc does have an annoyed voice. It must take a lot to annoy the definition of annoying. Peacock is so getting lasered.
His feathers are all bristled. Ha, I'm not the only one that finds her irritating. But he is the only one with feathers. "Yeah, a million a year for sitting on a bench is better than anything you could do." A million? For sitting? I'm in the wrong profession. Screw recording. I'm sure I can kind of make it through a basketball practice. How hard could bouncing a ball really be? I refuse to remember the horrors of high school gym class. Refuse. "I'm good. I just have to work my way up to starter." Is he directing speech at me again?
Doc's hand takes mine. When did she get pass the brick? More proof for my teleporting hypothesis. She pulls me passed him but not away from him. "If you'd rather hang out with Glen you can." I feel like I'm in the middle of a Carlin sandwich. If they weren't super powered, annoying animals, it could be a good thing. Why is every situation with her made two hundred times more obnoxious? What happened to simple? I like simple.
"Yeah, come on. Let's ditch BK." I really wonder what banshee would say if she saw this exchange. Can't blame the boy, Madison has no idea how to please, never did.
"BK?" Reminds me of Burger King, which may make me more nauseas than standing in this hall, between two bickering animals. At least Doc smells good. I guess. I mean, it could be worse.
He laughs. I figured it was genetic. "Yeah, buzz kill. She's been BK since high school." This would be funny, due to the fact that she is in fact the best buzz kill I've ever met, if it didn't cause obnoxious over there to frown deeply, adding extra annoyance into the air. Why's she always got to do that to me? Try to suffocate me with annoyance.
I grab her hand. She had dropped mine at some point, not that it matters or that I noticed, or anything. "I'm going through video withdrawal, Doc. "Damn her solar energy skin, thinking it's okay to heat my body. So unwanted.
"Whatever." The peacock stomps pass us. Who gave him permission to use my favorite word? "Chelsea is coming to dinner and Ian is sleeping," he calls over his shoulder, voice cheerful. I'll never understand these Carlins. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll go back to their home planet, and then I won't have to worry about it.
"Now, I thought you never got addicted, not to anything." Stupid coy smile, thinking she's so smart. Next time I'll just leave the room when she frowns. Out of sight, out of mind.
"Well, movies are my exception." Movies and music can be my exceptions. My actual addictions. Hey, at least they're healthy.
She pulls me into the room that Aiden and I occupied two days ago, baby toys, dust and ugly couches abound. "Don't want to keep you waiting. I hear movie withdrawal symptoms can get really bad," she giggles as she hands me the remote. I'd inform her that her wit annoys me to new levels, if I wasn't enticed with the movie screen.
I grin manically. Perfect. I was hoping for Requiem for a Dream, but even I can't watch the end of that anymore. Once was enough. The Devil's Rejects will have to do. "Oh! I love this movie." Hey wait. No, she can't love this movie. I was planning on having sweet sadistic pleasure at her squirming. Again, she ruins everything.
"What?" This is a far cry away from romantic comedies, Doc. Last time I checked, Rob Zombie was not a romantic guy.
She is settling down into the couch that I sat myself into. Who gave her permission to sit in such close proximity? I should charge people for breathing my air, or something. Especially her. "I love horror. This isn't my favorite, but it'll do. I am more partial to The Hills Have Eyes."
"Hey, Doc." She looks over to me from where she has put her feet up on the coffee table. Ugh, animal. "Where's my wine?" I'm going to need it.
She laughs, what a surprise, and gets up; leaving in the direction I had seen the peacock go. What could I possibly have done to receive such bad karma? I mean, I give money to charities; I sometimes give bums a dollar or two, so why am I here, watching a horror movie with a super evil villain? Someone tell me this. She walks back into the room and hands me a bottle of red. "Merlot. It's all we got."
She sits back down on the couch, feet back up. She really can't ever sit correctly, can she? I wonder if there are classes for things like that. "Aiden's favorite." What? I remember some shit. I do, after all, need to use my amazing memory sometimes.
"He won't watch this movie with me. I made him watch House of 1,000 Dead Corpses. He nearly cried himself to sleep." I laugh. It's true. Aiden is a pansy when it comes to movies. Well, that and life. He's actually just a pansy in general.
"This one time he had to 'go home' during Child's Play. It was pathetic." I should have known then that he just wasn't the man for me. Who can't make it through Child's Play? Well, who can't make it through Child's Play that doesn't have large collections of dolls? I guess the latter isn't all that proven about the rock, so maybe he had a legit reason.
She laughs. Stupid laugh, being all nice and calming. Doesn't it know she's annoying? Someone should tell it. "Aiden and Glen are quite the pair with horror movies. They both try to be all tough, but they're both big babies." Maybe Aiden and Glen should hook up. They do think on the same frequency and everything.
"I thought you said your bother had his own place, or something, Doc." I don't listen to her. I don't. It's just sometimes when she talks it enters my head, completely unwanted I tell you. I take a large sip from the wine bottle.
"Oh, I did, and he does. Him and Madison have a strange relationship." Madison can't have anything other than strange relationships. Being sub-human does that to people. "Don't you want a glass?"
Who does glasses? The weak, that's who. "No, I'm good. All I need is this bottle, right here." Because I'm so tired of being sober around you, Doc.
"I never got it. Is she their daughter or is she just part of their singing group, or what?" Okay, so I am a talker during movies as well, that so doesn't give her the right to do it too.
"I have no idea. It's way too ambiguous for me, but I never feel like googling it." Yes, I know there are multiple things wrong with this. One, I responded, so should have ignored it; two, I used the world ambiguous in a sentence; three, I used google as a verb. I think another generous drink of my wine is needed.
Damnit, I forgot about this part. Must cover eyes somewhere. Damnit. I am forced with no other means to use the doc as a human shield. It was a last resort I swear. I in no way shape or form enjoy being so close to her. Ask my skin, it has goose bumps in protest. "I thought you wanted to see this movie."
Yeah, but mostly cause I thought it would annoy you, Doc. "I just don't like it when people's heads get blown in. It's annoying."
"Everything is annoying to you." Not true, I find myself rather tolerable. Okay, why haven't we moved? Please, please move, Doc, because for some reason I don't think I can.
"Hello," someone calls from the hallway. Yes, distraction. I love whoever it is. And I think it is safe to say so because my ears are not bleeding so it can't be Madison.
"We're watching a movie in the family room," Doc calls back to her. Finally she has released me from her paralyzing powers and I move safely to the other side of the couch. Stupid powers. There must be a way to drain them. That's something worth googling. I take another generous sip.
A young boy about eight runs into the room and begins to jump excessively on the other couch. Annoying. Must be related to the doc somehow. "I'm CJ!" He plops himself down on the couch. Must have jumped himself out. Don't blame him; the doc often sucks the oxygen out of a room. It must be hard to jump in a situation like that.
Spencer is smiling at him. "This is my friend Ashley." Haven't I had the friend talk with her yet? Damnit. We'll have it soon. I swear.
He must have decided that our couch was better because he sits himself between the two of us. I don't blame him, I mean, I am sitting on it. I'm only a little put off because it's crowded over here now, not because I'm no longer next to her. Like I care about that. "I'm Aunt Spencer's friend too." See, I knew they were related. Credits self a point.
Another person enters the room. Pretty black girl. Must be the kid's mom. Is it bad to hit on moms in front of their kids? I never could decide. "Hi, I'm Chelsea, this little rascal's mom." She sits on the other couch. Hey, kid, why don't you switch with your mom, or something? "Hey, aren't you that singer?"
I just don't feel like it tonight. "It's nice to meet you, Chelsea."
"Merlot? Drinking the good stuff I see." She's a smart girl. Too bad her legs just aren't up to my par. That must be it. It has to be something. Maybe draining my flirting powers is one of Doc's evil powers. It's plausible. Right?
I notice Spencer flinch. What? It's hard not to notice her actions. When she moves the annoying aura in the room moves as well. I can't help but notice. "I'm about to open my own bottle if I see another person spew blood all over." Look, I created an alcoholic. I think I'll be proud.
"I thought you liked the movie." Who gets to be smug? That's right. Me.
"Cool!" CJ shouts as the one crazy shoots the one guy in the neck. Ouch.
"I do, I do, but there's something about the bullet to the neck part." Yeah, can't blame her on that one. Look at that blood spurt. It's like a mini fountain. What happened to the good old fashion black and whites, where you can pretend that it's not red?
"That's the best part, Aunt Spence." Wow, what a gruesome kid. Definitely part of the evil villain clan.
"And when have you seen this movie, little man?" Better question, why would you want to? Hey, mom, you got a sick one on your hands.
A cry from upstairs. Too young to be Aiden, but screeching enough to be of Aiden's blood, must be the little hybrid. "Well, that's my cue. I'll be right back." She gets up and exits. Yeah, lucky.
"So, how do you know Spencer?" Oh right, other people are present. I swear I wasn't watching her leave. I just… it was her powers they make my eyes follow her.
What was it that she said to Madison? "We had coffee." Coffee? Wow, Doc, that is the lamest line I've ever heard. Chelsea's face leads me to believe she thinks so too.
"I hate coffee!" I guess the lameness is lost on the eight year old though.
Chelsea grabs the remote from the table and turns off the movie. CJ looks ready to protest but Chelsea gives him the old 'don't you dare' look. She does it pretty well. I wonder if it works on the doc and if so I wonder if she'll give me lessons. Some cartoon is on the TV now. "I'm so glad she's getting out." Make her sounds like a hermit, why don't you. "Usually all she does is work, work, work."
I take another giant gulp. It just so happens that I am part of that work. Too bad she isn't doing me in the good way. Ugh, I didn't mean that. "Yeah, she's crazy like that." I'm here for her to annoy me, right? Not because I'm work, right? Not that it matters either way. I'm just no one's obligation.
"I try to tell her she can't single handedly save the world, but she never listens." Maybe cause she's a super villain. You're just telling her the wrong thing. What you should tell her is to stop being so evil, or something. Super villains do not save the world. That's a fact. I think.
"She has a listening problem." That we can both agree on, and then some.
"Mom says I have a listening problem." Must be a super villain clan thing.
"Don't worry, kid, most people do." Hey, they do.
Aw, she put on Family Guy. I love this show. I can't believe they tried to take it off the air and no one killed the Fox network. Then again Fox deserves to die for a lot of other reasons. Always cancelling all the good shows. Damn Fox. But then again, there Sunday night lineup is the things of Gods. "SO, how many of Spencer's books have you read?" Way to interrupt a very important thought.
Wait, Doc's written books? Isn't this something someone should have told me? What do I pay Charles for again? "Books?" More wine is needed for this revelation.
"Yeah she published her first one a year after…" The girl looks pained. I feel bad for her, Doc writing something kind of pains me a little too. How could anyone follow it with all that ADD? "After CJ's dad left us." Oh, she must mean Clay, the one at prom. It all makes a lot more sense now.
"It's dedicated to me!" And not the anteaters of the world? Color me shocked. At least she made someone happy, I guess.
"Oh, how many are there?" This whole writing thing is obviously one of her plots to get the world off her evil trail; therefore, it is my duty to learn of it so I can defend us from it. Maybe I should lay off the video games
"Well, she has published six, but one is on psychology, and you can count e out on that topic, but the other five are fantasies." This deserves a giant gulp of wine. Or maybe I was just looking for an excuse? Fantasy? Well, there's a shocker. I wonder if she represents the hyena community in them. You know, support her kind.
Speaking of her kind she has returned with the Creepy/Annoying hybrid which so happens to be adorable. Two negatives make a positive, and all that. "You aren't talking about me, right?" There's no way she'd know if I bought her books, right? I mean completely for educational purposes. I need to know what I'm dealing with, and stuff.
"She's never read your books." Don't make it sounds like it's a crime, or something. It's not like she's Hemingway. I see her as more of a Heller. Neither of them know what they are really trying to say.
"She's not much of a reader." So what if her hair looks perfect with her face shape. It's not like I notice.
Oh, that's right. Snap out of it. "You never told me you write." And you should have because you ninja chop my brain and make me spew my secrets, it's the least you could do.
She's smiling at me. That so doesn't make it better, Doc. "Just like you didn't tell me you were claustrophobic. " Not fair. You don't have a file I can read. Not that a file would matter due to the fact she's an evil villain; their files are notoriously wrong.
Damnit, that was a perfect gulping moment, but alas all the wine is gone. It's that bad karma again. "Doc, I need a new bottle." And stat.
She eyes me wearily. Hey, you brought me here, Doc, face the consequences. "I'll make you sleep in Madison's bed if you pass out." Now, why would she wish foreign disease on me? It's not very nice.
"I have amazing tolerance." I better, for my health, and all. With my karma lately, Madison, the worse foreign disease I could possibly think of, would still sleep in the bed even if I was there. Too bad being sober is not an option.
"Wow, you must." I've impressed. It's what I'm here for. At least Doc has one tolerable friend.
Why is that baby getting closer to me? "Here, you can hold him. I'll go find more." Baby in arms. How'd he get there? Perhaps, he has powers as well. Not unlikely. Is it just asking for it to threaten a baby not to release any bodily functions of any kind? Knowing his parents, yes.
The hybrid giggles, gets the from his mom, and cuddles into my breasts, gets that from his dad. "He must like you. " Eh, well at least her baby is smart.
"He's a cute kid," I respond. It does help that his eyes are the unnatural shade of blue. What? It's cuter on someone who can't talk yet.
"He does have good looking parents." Perhaps. But let's not get too hasty now; Blue Eyes is way too cool for his parents.
"You mean hot parents." Damnit. I was hoping there'd be a terrible accident and I wouldn't have to see that, leaning against the archway. Not like a deadly accident or even an unnecessarily painful one, just one that kept him away for a long period of time. "Ash, it's great to see you." Don't worry, Blue Eyes, we'll both pretend like we don't know him.
I notice Chelsea roll her eyes. I'd speak of copyright laws, but an eye roll was needed and I was slacking. "Now to see you too, Aid."
"Chels, you look radiant." Blue Eyes, do not take after the rock. That is so not how you talk to the ladies. That's an amateur trying to release food from mouth, but chocking heavily on it. If only… Anyways, I will teach you how when you're a little older.
"What about me, Uncle Aid?" Hey, wait, they aren't married yet. He's so not your uncle. Whatever. I so don't care.
"Come here, little man." What's with the little man stuff? How degrading. The kid runs and Aiden engulfs him into his arms. Why would anyone run to that?"You can look radiant too." Now, I'd just worry if I was Chelsea, Aiden always was a little fruity.
Ah, Doc's back. She'll save the poor kid. Even villains save the day sometimes, or something. Wait, wait, is that a bottle of pinot noir? She's my hero! Ugh, don't quote me on that. "Aiden you're home early." She hands me the bottle and smiles. That's right, Rock, I so got a better smile than you. Not that I care for any other reason but my competitive nature.
"Yeah, I was hoping Ash would be here." He moves forward and packs her on the cheek. The cheek? Amateur. Hey. He's so sitting in the doc's place. I wouldn't care or anything, but Doc is frowning, and we all know what happens to my oxygen levels when she frowns. They're replaced with annoyance levels. I take my first gulp of noir. Proof there is a higher being of some kind. "Don't you want a glass?"
"Nope." Not that I would accept one from you anyways. Doc and the kid sit themselves on the other could. Would it be too rude if I joined them?
"She already declined when I asked." Anyone else notice how awkward the air is now? I obviously blame the rock. None of us are tuned into his frequency. Oh, and the doc for still frowning.
"So how was everyone's day?" I had to get up early and get mentally karate chopped your fiancé, thanks for asking.
"I had to go to school" Psh. Close, but I still beat you, kid.
"Sadly that is life, little man." The brick has returned. At least Aiden can communicate in his native tongue now.
The kid bullets toward the blonde haired man, nearly knocking him over with a hug. He's a feisty one. "Uncle Glen!" Smart kid, brick trumps rock.
"Hey you. Hey Chels." He waves to Chelsea with Feisty still around his waist. Chelsea waves back. She must have the patience of a saint. "Five minutes 'til dinner, everyone." Good. I'm starved. Win can only get you so far, and the smell of Italian food in the air is slowly dropkicking my stomach.
Doc stands. It's not fair that those legs are on her body. They make it impossible not to star. It's the wine, I swear. "I'll help set the table." What? You're leaving me? See if I ever come home with you again.
Chelsea stands as well. Don't even think about it. I like you; you don't want to ruin it. "Yeah, me too." You ruined it. Damnit, it's just me, the rock, and the kid. What karma.
They head towards the kitchen. Hey, kid, where are you going? The cartoons are this way. Choose the cartoons, damnit. "Can I test the sauce?" I can't hear the response, but it should have been, 'No, go save Ashley from unwanted, awkward conversation.' Never that lucky when she's around.
I can feel him shift on the couch., This means he's going to speak. Can't he be like normal people and avoid conversation by mindlessly watching TV? Mindless. It's right up his alley. "You know, after high school I never thought I'd see you again." I was hoping it. It never works out my way.
"I guess things happen." Unfortunately.
"Sometimes I just wish I could go back to being sixteen, before this all happened." I wonder if Doc shrinks him too. Blue Eyes reaches for the rock. What a traitor. We'll have to have a loyalty talk later on. Aiden takes him and sits him in his lap. They both look so at peace. I'd aw the scene if Creepy wasn't involved. Sorry, Blue Eyes, you're cute but he's creepier. "He was our little surprise." Wow, now that's a euphemism for mistake if I've ever heard one.
"You two have been together for a long time." Nothing like stating the obvious, Davies. Large sip of deliciousness is needed.
"Yeah, Spencer is great." Great? You better have better than great. Creepy, she should laser you in your sleep. "I love her, and she's given me this amazing son." Not good enough, but it'll do for now.
"Why have you waited so long to get married?" What? I don't want to know. The wine does. It has a mind of its own.
He sighs. "It just was never the right time." He sure found time to knock her up though and sure finds time to make her frown, not that I care. The ass.
"Dinner time!" He is so saved by the aching stomach. I stand, carrying my wine, and Aiden follows me, carrying Blue Eyes.
The call this a kitchen? Whatever. At least it's cleaner than the family room, since they eat here and stuff. It gets extra points because there is a rather large bowl of raviolis sitting in the middle of the table. Everyone else is already sitting. I watch as Aiden puts Blue Eyes in a highchair and sits at the head of the table, across from Glen, next to hyena, who's next to the highchair. I take the seat on the other side of Blue Eyes, next to Glen.
One other empty chair, across from me. Oh no. I can't eat across from her. I'll lose my appetite. 'Where's what's her name?" What? It's like Voldemort; you just don't say the name.
Spencer is passing the bowl full of deliciousness and I hungrily dish some onto my plate before passing it to Glen. "She's caught in traffic."
"Oh, that's too bad." Anyway she could get caught in traffic, underwater, indefinitely? What? I didn't necessarily say death. I have to wait until she gives birth before I can wish that. "This is delicious, Glen." Wine mines me more polite, I can't help it. It has nothing to do with the smile the hyena just gave me.
He beams; his sister has a nicer smile. Damn her smile, polluting my mind. "Thanks, it's my dad's recipe."
"My dad's an amazing cook." I wonder if Doc can cook like this. Ugh, no I do not. More wine is needed; I take another sip.
Door slamming, something large waddling in heels. Yeah, must be the banshee. Will give more money to improve karma because mine really sucks. She's standing in the doorway mouth agape, yeah, still an ugly fish. "Spencer, what is she doing here?" Good question. What am I doing here?
"I invited her to dinner." What she means to say is she twisted my mind around her super powered finger and made me do exactly what she wanted. She does it a lot. She's a pro.
"Well, I invited her. Spencer just relayed the message." Possessive much? Why isn't wine as strong as whiskey?
"I cooked!" Wow, he's like the fateful sidekick. Sorry, clown, I don't think it's going to work.
"And it smells delicious, baby, but shut up right now." And we see who wears the pants there. Poor million dollar basketball star. "You two know how I feel about her." What am I invisible?
"Come on, Madi, sit down." I hate when Aiden uses that voice. It's so strange that someone who thinks on the frequency of rocks can have such a condescending voice.
I stand. This so isn't worth it anymore, at all. Not that it ever was to begin with. "You know what? I'll leave." Pregnant means I can't trip her as I leave. Fucking karma.
I'm being pulled back into my chair. Damnit, Doc, do you lift weights? She must. That would be so hot. You know, if it wasn't her. "Don't go, Ash." Like I have a choice now that I know super strength is part of your elusive powers, Doc.
"Yeah, we were just getting to know each other." Yeah, until you left me in that room with Creepy over there. Who knows what he could have done to me.
Madison is fuming. Just how I like my Madisons. "You too Chelsea?" She makes it sound like I brainwash these people. Nope. They just notice my amazing-ness. Madison is just jealous.
"Ashley is my guest, Mads, can't you just ignore her?" First, I am not easily ignored. And two, I am so not your guest. This is just as bad as hyena calling me friend.
"I brought that painting, Madi." Looks like Chelsea is skilled at Madison handling. I should give her two gold stars.
Madison sits in the seat ready for her, and grabs for the food. She is eating for three, and all that. Doesn't mean I can't laugh when there isn't enough room on her plate for how much food she slops on it. "Thanks Chels. It'll look really good in my office."
"Are you really, really Ashley Davies?" Question from the kid. Where did that come from? Right, forgot, Doc is contagious. I keep forgetting.
Chelsea nudges him. My mom use to do that too. But a little bit harder. It's so not effective, no matter how hard you do it. "CJ, mind your manners."
I lean across the table toward him. "Yeah, that's what they tell me, kid. But let me tell you a secret, sometimes I don't even know." He beams. Every kid loves a secret. Even if it's one that doesn't make sense.
"We listen to you in music class. Shana dances." I have no idea who Shana is, but I nod anyways.
Odd Banshee noises coming from across the way. Poor Peacock, she must make terrible noises in bed. "Why aren't they teaching these kids real music instead of this fad music? Wasted tax dollars." This real music shit again? She's so tiring.
And cue the loveable, but annoying, sidekick. "You you like the sauce, babe?"
I always hated the sidekicks, so I ignored them. Much like right now. "My music isn't a fad. You're just jealous." Can't say I blame you.
"Excuse me. But I do not get jealous of burnouts." I haven't been called a burnout since high school. Do people still say that?
"What's a burnout?" Ohhh that's right. Way to say it in front of the kid. Madison loses a point. That's negative two million, or something.
"Nothing." That's right. Squirm Madison, squirm.
"You're Aunt Mads." What? It's the wine talking. The wine even knows she's a demon, or something.
"Ash, that was inappropriate." Maybe you should punish me, Doc. All night. Okay, no. That was the wine. I swear.
"Whatever, sorry Chelsea." I am not Spencer-whipped. My pinot noir is.
The woman smiles back at my apology. She's definitely the doc's best friend. She should just kick Madison to the curve. "Oh, don't worry about it. He's heard worse from his uncle Glen."
"But he's my champ. He doesn't repeat them after I bribe him with ice-cream." So blackmail does run in the family. I should have figured.
"Burnouts an ice-cream word?" Kid learns fast. He'll be running this family in no time. I wonder how it feels to be the Don of a super villain family. I'll ask him when he's older.
"Maybe me and Ashley will take you to get ice-cream later." Wait, what? Did I agree to this?
"I'll come too." Okay, I know I didn't agree if Creepy is going.
"Aiden, don't get in the way of Ashley's new crush." Whoa. I do not like what she is implying. If anything the wine has a crush on her. Not me.
"You have no idea what you are talking about, Madison." I scowl in her direction. I can't look her in the eyes, might turn to stone.
"Oh, I think I do better than most people." That she does. But I refuse to relive those memories when so infuriated. Ashley Davies no longer gets crushes. I'm not in high school anymore.
"Ashley Davies has a crush on me?" I am so going to adopt that little boy, and feed him ice-cream every night.
"You betcha kid." He gets my best smile and a wink for being such a tension killer.
"You know what I meant Ashley." Why doesn't the undead like anything die?
Aiden coughs. I wonder if he caught on what was going on. It's doubtful. I just have to worry about her. Wait, no I do not, because there is nothing to worry about. "So, Ash, I read the announcement of your new CD."
"Score. New CD means new music videos." Well, that earned the sidekick a slap in the head. Can't blame her. "What? I appreciate them for their directing talent." Yeah, and I go to strip clubs to admire the dancing.
"You put out new albums so fast. I don't know how you do it," Chelsea intervenes. Money is a major motivator. Actually, the best I've ever had.
"I can think of a few ways." Don't tell me I've drank too much to keep up with Madison, because I have no idea what that means.
"I just love the music and it comes to me." Yeah, it's something like that.
"So why name it Blue?" Because I have an odd fascination with your fiancés eyes, and think they are the most beautiful things I've ever seen. No, probably not the best to say. Not that it's true. It's the wine. It's warping my mind.
"I… uh… it was something that was in my head." Hey, make Madison stop laughing at me. It's not nice, or something. You know nothing. Nope.
"Blue. Like the blues?" Wow, Doc is slow. I thought she could read minds? Silly, Doc, she just likes to make me sweat.
"That's doubtful." She thinks she's so smart, with her smug look and her screeching voice. Whatever. For her information I only named it Blue because the blue eyes were annoying me at that particular moment, or something like that.
"So how are the twins, Mads?" I wonder if Chelsea would consider accepting a thank you hug later on. You know who doesn't hug me enough? The doc. Isn't hugging part of her profession, or something?
"Feisty as ever." Feisty must be a trend with kids in this family. "Especially at night when they didn't have Aunt Spencer to talk them to sleep." And look who's staring at Spencer now. Yeah, that's not me. Not that I stare often. I am just saying that it isn't me right now. Wait, wait, talks them to sleep? Are they serious?
"That and I had an away game that night." Poor Glen. I don't really think she cares.
Madison smiles at him and pats his hand. Just as I thought, eyes still on the doc. Don't look at my doc, banshee. Only I can steal awkward glances at her. It's my think, or something. "Right, babe. Of course." Must stifle smirk.
"Oh, I hope you have them before the wedding." Who asked you to bring up that abomination they call a wedding, hey wait, I don't have a nickname for her yet. Damnit. And I'm almost out of wine. This is disheartening.
"I just hope she doesn't have them at the wedding." Oh leave it to Aiden to come up with the worst case scenario. And then to somehow make it come true.
"I still get the hold the rings. Right, Uncle Aid?" Again, he is so not your uncle.
"Of course, buddy." Is buddy better or worse than little man? I guess it's up to interpretation. "Nobody else I'd trust with them." Something tells me I'd trust a lot of people above an eight year old. Just me, though.
"I almost forgot about the wedding." Wow, I haven't seen Madison that conflicted since that one time that had Grey's Anatomy and Charmed on at the same time. God, that was a bad TV year. "Will you be attending, Ashley?" Oh, she wants to play dirty.
"I really want you around, Ash." Yeah, you always did, Aiden, you always did.
"I don't know." What? Wine impairs my witty retorts. Give me a second to think of something.
"Ashley is coming and Madison, as the maid of honor, best friend, and roommate, how did you forget the wedding?" Can she just tell me I'm going? Did she miss the thought process where I clearly thought I am not Spencer-whipped, nor will I ever be? Jeez, and she calls herself a mind reader.
Wait, this is a perfect set up. I could kiss you, Doc. Wait, God, I take that back. Don't you dare blush, Davies. I will so kick my own ass. I'm not above it. "Yeah, Madison, how?" Stew Madison, stew in your own juices. Life is so good.
"The twins and my new team can be really stressful for her, lil' sis." For some reason, I don't think that that's it. Nope, can't keep the smirk off my face.
"Yeah, baby." Ha, Glen, you're such a tool. You and Aiden should have a tool party. "Spence, you know I'm always here for you. Always have been." Oh, she wants to play with fire. I can play with fire.
"Hey, Spencer."Damnit. I so stuttered on the name. Must push forward. Must destroy Madison. "I was wondering if you'd like to go to my show on Thursday. It's just a small show." She's looking at me with that head tilt. I knew it had been far too long since she read my mind. Good. Read my suspicions about Madison and leave all the rest of my thoughts alone, or something.
"We'd love to." I don't remember inviting you, Rock. Ugh, I so dug myself into a hole. Whatever, Doc is smiling; therefore, I kicked Madison's metaphorical ass. Go me.
"Yeah, you're all invited." Now no one can say I've never been generous. This better be a positive karma thing.
"Spence, Thursday is our Smallville and movie night." Okay, that's pretty lame, and date-ish. Just saying.
Glen smacks me on the back lightly. If only I had brought my bodyguards. It be fun to watch them frisk him or something. I bet he'd scream. "I hate that show. I'm so there."
Chelsea shakes her head. "We can't. School night."
"But Mom – "
"No buts." Okay, sitcom moment for a second. And not a good sitcom either.
"Tom Felton, Spence." Okay, that guy just looks way too old to be 19. I'm sorry.
Look what you did Madison, now the Doc isn't smiling. God. Someone needs to fill her in that the world is just more livable when the doc is smiling. It's just a fact of nature. I can't control it. "We'll talk about it later, Madison."
"I can't wait to watch you perform. It'll be like old times." Ugh, why would I want that?
"Hopefully, not too much like old times." Wow, I hate when me and Madison almost have the same thoughts. It makes me feel dirty.
Hey, Blue Eyes has a hold of my finger. How'd he get that? What a tricky baby. He does take after his mom a lot. "He really likes you." Who doesn't? I mean seriously, Creepy.
"He just thinks her calloused fingers are toys." Hey I pay good money for these fingers. Okay, well, they have to be somewhat calloused. But these calloused fingers play amazing guitar that makes me millions. Yeah, take that.
Chelsea chuckles. Hey, don't egg her on. "At four months they start to decide who they like and don't like." That's right. Blue Eyes has good taste. Well, except that one time he reached for his dad. It's okay he just doesn't know any better.
"Yeah, I remember when CJ decided he hated Mom and anytime she came in the room he'd scream." Glen talks a lot with his hands. It's kind of distracting. Large intricate circles. Oh man, starting to get dizzy.
"But I love Grandma Carlin." Sounds like a brand of cookies.
"We know, kiddo." Okay, kiddo is definitely below little man. I'm not sure why. It just is.
Aiden is laughing. I'd like to bottle his laugh, but for a completely different reason. I wonder if you bottle someone's laugh and then smashed, if it's gone for good. Oh well. "I can see how Mom C could scare little children." Everyone at the table is laughing. I want to inform him that Spencer's mom is so not his mom, but I don't know if they'd hear me over the laughing.
I go for more wine, but it's gone. Where has all the wine gone? This is hell. "Anymore wine, Doc?" I ask after they begin to calm down.
Spencer shakes her head, but still gives me a smile. Damnit. When did I start living smile to smile? Wine makes me a pansy. Stop being a pansy, Davies. "Two bottles is a limit." Psh, maybe for a light weight, who isn't surrounded by a walking high school year book.
"Yeah for a sailor." Oh, Madison. What kind of higher being would let you reproduce?
"Speaking of boats, Sean bought a boat last week." Wow, that was a good stretch, Chelsea. I give you props.
"Yeah, he said I could drive it next week." They let eight year olds drive boats now? I'm so glad I passed on the whole sailing thing.
"I want to get Ian a boat." What? He's already overcompensating for the poor boy. He's too young to even know what a penis is, Creepy, why don't you wait a few years.
"Blue Eyes isn't even old enough to walk." Oh damn. Maybe two bottles was a limit. Use of inner nicknames is never a good sign, ever.
"Blue Eyes?" Of course you couldn't just let it slide, Doc. You just love to torture me.
"What? His eyes are the most gorgeous shade of blue I've ever seen." Like yours, Doc, but with less you behind them. Who am I kidding? They are your eyes.
Doc is eyeing me and I can't read that stare. Damnit. Again, shrinks should be open like a book. Practice what you preach and all that. Madison clears her throat. Oh, someone's angry. Was it something I said? "I think it's time to clear the table."
Everyone is done. That really was some of the best pasta ever, and I'd come back, but the company was lacking a bit. "Oh, let me help," Chelsea offers.
"No, no, you and Ash are guest. Go watch TV." So now he is all into the mindless watching of TV. Just not when it is convenient for me.
Glen starts to collect the plates. "Yeah, there are four of us. It'll be super quick."
Madison pushes away from the table. All three people of her. "Excuse me, but I am going to go take a bath. Work was horrendous." She waddles up the three stairs to some unknown place that I never want to know of.
CJ is jumping again. Seriously, the kid makes me tired watching him. "Can I help clean? I want to scrub." Wow, the Carlins really do have brainwashing powers. I knew it. Poor kid. He never had a chance.
"Of course!" Doc sure is chipper. I'll pretend it was the retreat of the banshee. "Chels can you bring Ian with you in the family room? He gets fussy if he's in that chair too long."
"I uh… I can help if you want." What? Where the hell did that come from? I wouldn't know how to help even if I actually wanted to.
"Ash." Doc just shakes her head and points to the family room. Fine, fine, you don't have to tell me twice. I follow Chelsea into the family room.
We take seats on opposite couches. I watch as she playfully bounces Blue Eyes on her knee. Ugh, dizzy. I sprawl out on the couch. It's my only chance to save my stomach. "Too much wine?"
Is she crazy? "Never too much wine. Maybe not enough livers." She laughs at this. I don't see what is funny, it's true.
"You know, you stare at her a lot." It's not my fault. I like to know when she's reading my mind, you know so I can make sure my thoughts are cleaned up for her, or something. What? It's plausible. Ugh, don't judge me.
"That's because Madison eats like a cow." Avoidance is key in these situations.
"I meant Spencer." Well, I knew that, but you weren't supposed to say it. I'm not THAT drunk. Jeez. People just think because you can't sit up it just automatically means you're drunk.
"Well, that's because…" Think Davies, think. You use to be so good at this. "Well, because her eyes distract me. Rather annoying actually." Really, why's all the wine gone?
"She is gorgeous isn't she?" What the hell, does the Doc have a fucking fan club that I am not aware of?
"Yeah, she is." Okay, stupid, stupid, stupid. You did not just say that. If I could stand I'd punch myself in the face.
"I'd be careful if I were you…" For some reason I really don't want to hear the rest of what she has to say.
So I interrupt her. "I'm going to go call my driver." I half walk half crawl my way into the hallway. I think it's quite a feat. I'm pretty proud. Good thing Freddy is my number one speed dial or there'd be problems right now. He answers in one ring. Got to love the boy. "Fred, I'm at Spencers."
"What you there?" The question I've been asking myself all night, and then some.
"Hell if I know." I really don't remember anymore. Probably something to do with the fact that my shrink is the anti-Christ.
"Are we entering drunken rambling mode?" That's my Freddy. He knows me too well.
"Almost."
"I'll be there in a flash." He's too good to me.
"Fred – "
"I won't tell Charlie." Way too good to me.
"Thanks, oh and bring four tickets for Thursday's show." I hang up the phone. I may be drunk but I always keep my word. I'm cool like that, or something.
I manage to get myself back into the family room almost completely upright. I'm amazing. Hey, Doc is here now, oh and the rock. Can't he go shoot hoops or go to the gym, or something? That's all he wanted to do when we were dating. "Everything okay, Ash?" She has her hands on me, leading me gently to the couch. Can no longer feel arms. They have gone numb. I swear it's the alcohol and not her touch.
"I called Freddy." That sounded half-way intelligent, right? Please humor me.
"I could have driven you home." I'm sure you could have, Doc, but then I'd probably say something stupid that I'd so regret tomorrow.
"Spence, you have paper work and stuff. I could drive you, Ash." Doc is frowning. That's it. I am going to hit him in the head. Well, if I can find his head in this state. Okay, next chance I get I will, or something.
"I pay him salary. I might as well get use out of him." And I really don't want to be stuck in a car with Creepy. It's right in-between having my nails pulled off and having scissors drilled into my eyes.
Aw, Blue Eyes is crying. Yeah, I don't blame him. The idea of Aiden and a car is quite frightening. "I'm going to go put him to bed." She takes the boy from Chelsea's outstretched hands. "Don't leave without saying goodbye." Something tells me I couldn't if I tried. Stupid mind powers.
Chelsea stands. " I think that's our cue to get home." Spencer waves behind her as she enters the kitchen. "CJ!"
"Oh, you don't have to." Come on, that doesn't even sounds sincere to me Rock, and I am intoxicated. Poor Chelsea.
"Oh, I know, but he has school." That's even more insincere. Someone doesn't want to be around Aiden either. What a smart girl. I like her. "It was nice meeting you, Ashley." And what a polite one too.
"You too."
I watch as Aiden walks Chelsea into the hallway. "Bye Ashley!" I hear CJ yell as the door opens and then closes. Well, that was quick. I wonder if it always happens like that. Glen and Aiden walk back into the room. Oh God, my brain cells are deteriorating. Damnit I worked so hard for those.
"Well, I am going to go see about a naked wife in the bathtub." He practically clicks his heels as he heads upstairs.
Didn't anyone tell him that his wife is the size of a barn and there's no way there is room for him in that bath too? "Grossest thing I've ever heard."
Aiden sits next to me. Did I give him permission? No. Don't remember doing that. "You just watched Devil's Rejects, didn't you?"
"Your point?" Blood and guts are much more doable than pregnant Madison naked.
He is way too close on this couch. It's a big couch, bub. "We should really catch up sometime."
I have a bone to pick with you. I just remembered. "You should really be nicer to your fiancé." So what if I can't hit him literally, metaphorically has always done it for me.
"What?" I obviously surprised him a little. That's okay, I surprised myself.
"You heard me. It's so annoying when she frowns because of you. And she does it too much. And I hate it." I really, really hate it.
"I don't mean to." Whatever. She deserves better.
"Doesn't matter. She may be an evil villain." Oh don't give me that weird look, you so know I'm right about that. "But she's an obnoxiously cute one. So yeah, treat her better." He so better not tell her I said any of this. I'll never live it down, or something. "I'm going to go wait outside."
"I'll wait with you." He just doesn't get a hint.
"Really, don't." And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
"Ash, come on. We've been friends for too long to be doing this." He's got to be kidding me.
"We stopped being friends, premature graying, when our baby died, and you left." Asshole.
He stands, peering down at me. Hey, you can't get aggravated. I'm the aggravated one here. "You decided you liked girls!"
"Whatever, there's more to being there than sex, you rock." I stand up as well, doing remarkably better at it than I thought I would. "Don't follow me." I sway my way to the front door and out it. Okay, that's about my limit. I sit myself down on the porch. Damnit. Now I am susceptible to the psychos that prey on women in the suburbs. Great.
Even better, the door is opening. I will so cut him. "I told you not to follow me."
"Oh, you tell me a lot of things, but not to follow you isn't one of them yet." Good, I'm glad she's here. Completely for her laser powers. I need them to fight off the psychos
"I thought you were your dense boyfriend." Dense doesn't even begin to cover it.
"He's giving Ian a bath." She sits next to me. Way to burn my legs, Doc, not that the fact that our legs are touching has any effect on me what so ever.
"I think I might have drank too much, Doc." Because I've been saying a lot of interesting things that I hope you never find out about.
She laughs. "I've noticed."
"Next time, one bottle of wine." What? Okay, now I know I am not thinking straight. What would Captain Morgan say to this?
"You'll whine at me if I do that." Oh so puny. It's cute. Ugh, damn her. She does it on purpose.
"I'll whine at you no matter what you do. It's what I do." Ugh, someone gag me. Please? Please?
She leans back and stares up. Stupid stars, stealing her gaze. I will so cut them. "I miss the stars when I'm in LA. In Ohio, there are so many more."
"Hey, Doc…" There are no words to describe how happy I am that you are in LA.
"Yeah?" She looks at me. Much better.
"You're annoying." I have to get things back on track.
She shakes her head and stares back at the stars. "That's not what you were going to say." Well, if you didn't read my mind you would be blissfully unaware of that.
"Stop reading my mind." It's best just to request these kinds of things.
"I can't read minds. I can just read you." Nope, I am a closed book. A mirage. An illusion. I am a mystery. Or something like that. No one reads me.
"Liar, you just don't want to give away your secret identity." I can't blame her. That's why it's a secret and all. But I mean I did figure it out. She should reveal it to me at least.
"Hey Ash."
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for coming tonight." Why's she always got to fucking say shit like that? Yeah, I've broken out the profanities. Two in a sentence. It means I mean business.
"Damnit, Doc. You are the most annoying person I've ever met. It's annoying the way your eyes make me feel like I can't breathe when they aren't on me, and it's obnoxious the way that my skin feels like it's on fire every time you touch me, and it is irritating that I live to see you smile sometimes." Where the fuck did that come from? Too much wine, way too much wine. Oh my God. She's staring at me. She hasn't said a word. "Just, forget it. Too drunk… and stuff."
Thank God Freddy has just pulled up. I need him right now. She still hasn't said a word. I'm getting up. Freddy is approaching. He hands her something, must be the tickets. She still hasn't spoken. He has me in his arms. She still hasn't spoken. He is putting me in the car. She still hasn't spoken. "I'll see you Thursday, Ashley." And she speaks, and she looks right through me, and I feel like I am going to puke for the first time in months, and it is all her fault, and it's all my fault because none of that should have been said out loud.
I watch as she gets farther away as the limo pulls away from my pulpit. And there she sits still looking at stars as she gets smaller and smaller. So why isn't this pain getting smaller at all?