Update! Sorry it took me so long, I've been very busy… Let me know what you think and as always, thank you for your reviews and everything =)
If you have any ideas, I'm just one PM away!
Enjoy!
Ps: sorry for any mistakes, I didn't go over this chapter yet, and I really wanted to update as soon as possible.
I do not own any of the characters.
Friends. That's what they were now. That's how they were acting with each other anyway. Although it was each time more heartbreaking for Brittany, she was willing to do anything to gain Santana's trust again. And she was determined to be anything to her ex-girlfriend, anything she needed or wanted her to be. And if this was what the latina asked her to be, then that was exactly what she was going to do. There was nothing she would not do for her, nothing. She knew she had absolutely no right to demand for anything. And to see that Santana was decided on having her back in her life somehow was enough to keep the blonde sort of happy. Sort of. She just hoped it was only the beginning, the first tiny baby step, and that many more were to come.
Still, acting like just her friend was an adjustment. They had never been just friends. They had jumped right into being girlfriends, and being the most important person for each other, before completely disappearing from the other person's life. That had been awful, but at least, Brittany didn't have to see the woman she loved everyday and pretend as if it didn't break her to not act on her feelings. Sometimes, she caught Santana looking at her differently, as if she was letting her guards down for only a few seconds, but that never lasted longer than that. As soon as their eyes met, the latina's face would switch from amorous and loving to… It was hard to say. Her eyes didn't appear distant or cold anymore, just… Cautious maybe ? She seemed so gingerly and careful all the time, like if she was constantly holding herself back from acting as she really wanted. It was incredibly frustrating for the blonde, but she went along with it patiently, never wanting to brusk Santana.
They spent more time together now that they were 'friends', which was a great thing. Brittany still called her every night, and texted her in the morning, but she would also send her a few texts along the day. It was usually little texts that didn't carry any important meaning, just funny things the blonde would think about or come across, exactly like she used to do when they dated. And the latina usually responded to each one of them, to Brittany's surprise at first, and to her great pleasure.
They also hanged out every few days, either to go shopping, go to the movies, and just spend time outside in the park or wherever. It was weird and heartwarming how easily they fell back into all of their old routines, as if nothing changed and time didn't pass. Brittany was so relieved to see that they still clearly fit together, like they always did. You would either have to be blind or in serious denial to not see it. The blonde didn't say anything about it though, because she knew mentioning it would only cause Santana to run away or at least put her guards up again. And that was not something Brittany was willing to let happen. So she just settled on being her friend. For now. She also decided to not make any other love declaration to the latina, to give her some space and not make her feel uncomfortable.
Besides, a good friend would not go and tell her all the time how in love with her she really is, would she ?
Her phone vibrating brought her out of her thoughts. It was saturday morning and she was happy to jus lay in bed lazily, wishing she wasn't alone. As soon as she had woken up though, she had texted her beautiful friend ('Ugh, je déteste l'appeler comme ça' I hate calling her that) to wish her a great day. She hoped to see her but decided to wait a little bit longer before asking her what she was up to on this fine day.
She grabbed her phone on the night table and immediately smiled widely when she saw who the text was from.
From Santana :
A great day to you too! Maybe I can help with that by the way… The park, ice creams, this afternoon. What do you say ?
Wooooo, this was the first time the latina initiated a friend date like that! Brittany was over the moon to say the least. It wasn't much, she had to remind herself, but it was still more than anything that happened in the past weeks. Maybe Santana was starting to let loose…?
From Brittany :
You had me at "ice creams"! Miam miam, you know I can't resist them :) Can't wait to see you, bisous bisous!
Brittany felt bold enough to tell her that she couldn't wait to see her. She had no doubt that Santana knew exactly how she felt towards her, so she decides that it wasn't such a big deal. She imagined the latina reading her text and smiling. Santana used to love it when she mixed french and english words like that. Well, at first she was frustrated to not understand everything, but soon she got pretty good at it, especially because Brittany was careful to always use the same words. It had become a game between them. Santana had even at some point started to used those words, which melted Brittany's heart.
From Santana :
Alright, great then! I'll call you later for details, and… Bisous bisous too :D
That was enough to make the blonde scream in excitement. How could she keep calm about all of this ? She got up and decided to go make breakfast for her and her sister, who was probably still asleep.
After a while, Emilie came out of her room and joined her in the kitchen. She looked so cute with her messy hair and sleepy face. Brittany went across the room towards her sister, who was now sitting at the table, and hugged her from behind, before kissing her on the cheek. It was endearing to see those two around each other. They cared so much about one another and Brittany tried to make the most of their time together. Since the night at the bar, Emiie and Santana hadn't spend anytime together, which was for the best for now, the blonde thought. But it kind of worried her because they were the two most important persons in her life, and she didn't want them to no get along. She figured that as her relationship with Santana improved, theirs would follow the lead though. She pushed her thought aside and asked her sister what she wanted for breakfast.
"Hm, un chocolate chaud ? Et des tar tines au nutella s'il-te-plaît!" (A hot chocolate ? And slices of bread with nutella please!) Emilie responded, suddenly looking joyful. She loved it when Brittany took care of her like that. She had missed if so much back when she first went to Lima, and enjoyed every chance she got to see it happen again.
They ate slowly, taking their time, happily chatting about everything. They decided to Skype their parents later that day, to let them know how everything was going for them in New York.
"Mais pas trop tard parce que je passe l'après-midi avec Santana" Brittany said a moment later, absent-mindedly. (Not to late though, because I'm spending the afternoon with Santana)
"De quoi ?! Tu passes l'aprem avec elle ?" (What ? You're spending the afternoon with her ?) Emilie choked out and asked in disbelief, scrunching her eyebrows in disapproval. She eyes her sister critically as she kept drinking her tea.
"Euuh, oui Emilie, oui..." Brittany looked surprised at her sister's reaction. Of course she knew that things were tense between those two, but she didn't expect Emilie to look so mad. Besides, it was no secret that Santana and her had started hanging out again, more and more often actually.
"Mais pourquoi tu fais ça Brittany, hein ? Tu vois pas ce qu'il se passe ? Tu te rends malheureuse, ELLE te rend malheureuse, et tu te laisses faire. Tu te fais balader!" (But why are you doing this Brittany, huh ? Don't you see what's going on here ? You are making yourself miserable, SHE is making you miserable, and you are just letting this happen. She is playing you!)
Emilie stood up from her chair as she yelled this, throwing her arms up in anger. Brittany rarely saw her fly off the handle, and she didn't like it one bit. She did her best to keep calm, not wanted to get into an argument with her sister.
"Tu te trompes Emilie! Tu ne sais rien de ce qu'il se passe entre Santana et moi. Et je n'ai pas de comptes à te rendre!" (You're wrong Emilie! You don't have a clue of what is going on between Santana and I. And I don't owe you any explanations about this!)
Brittany did her best not keep steady and calm while still being firm. She didn't want to have this conversation with her sister. She didn't want to have to tell her how she would do anything for Santana, even if it meant breaking her own heart in the process of doing exactly that. She still had hope for them, she still believed that they would or could get back together and live happily ever after. But even if that didn't happen, she would never leave the latina again. She would never go through life without her again. And if being her friend and just her friend was all that it was ever going to be, then be it, she would settle for that.
But telling Emilie all of this wasn't an option. First it would only make the younger blonde more angry at Santana, and second she would do her very best at trying to change Brittany's mind, which would be both a waste of her time and incredibly tiring.
How do you explain to someone that you did some much damage in a person's heart that you are willing to spend the rest of your life doing your best at mending it ?
Emilie send looked at her, surprisingly appearing more concerned than upset, and returned to eating her breakfast in silence. The conversation was obviously over for the time being, and that was fine for Brittany.
In the early afternoon, she was ready to go meet Santana. Emilie was sitting in the living room couch watching TV, although she was obviously not paying any attention to it. Before going out, Brittany walked to her slowly. Leaving things like this wasn't an option for her. She took a sit next to her sister, grabbing one of her hand and pulling it on her laps. Their eyes were all still on the TV when the older sister started to talk :
"Emilie, je sais que tu t'inquiètes pour moi, et je t'aime pour ça, mais tu dois comprendre que… Il n'y a rien que je ne ferais pas pour me rattraper auprès de Santana. Rien. Et si elle a besoin de moi en tant qu'amie, temporairement ou non, alors c'est ce que je serai. Tu dois juste me faire confiance maintenant. D'accord ? S'il-te-plaît, pour moi ? Et tu sais que Santana ne se fout pas de moi au fond. Jamais elle ne ferait ça avec moi, jamais."
(Emilie, I know that you are worried about me, and I love you for it, but you have to understand that… There's nothing I wouldn't do to make things better with Santana. Nothing. And if she needs me to be her friend for now or for good, then that's what I'll be. You just have to trust me ok ? Please, do this for me ? Besides you know that Santana doesn't play me. We both know she would never ever play me."
Emilie turned her eyes to Brittany's, which were still focused on the television. She whispered with a barely audible voice : "Ok…" and went back to looking at the screen.
The older sister smiled a little in relief, and tightened her grab on Emilie's hand for a brief moment, before getting up and slowly exiting the room. As she did so, she paused for a moment, and looked back at her sister, who was watching her leave with anxious eyes.
"Ca va aller Emilie, tu verras… D'une façon ou d'une autre, ça va aller" Brittany finished, trying to appease the girl looking at her, right before leaving the apartment. (It's going to be ok Emilie, you will see… One way or another, it will be ok)
Brittany met Santana by her place, because it was on her way to the park. They happily greeted each other with a warm but friendly hug, and decided to walk to their destination. The weather was very nice and they wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Once they arrived in the park, Brittany got overly excited and jumped in joy when she spotted ducks in the pond. She herself couldn't really explain why she loved them so much, but she did, and Santana smiled at her knowingly.
After a while of walking around and talking about everything, from the new movie they wanted to go see to the dress Santana spotted and wanted to go buy, they decided to go get ice creams. After all, it was the main reason why they went out.
Brittany got a vanilla and chocolate one, while Santana took only chocolate, surprising none of them. They sat by the fountain and started enjoying the ice creams quietly, laughing at each other when it melted on their fingers.
"Let's go dancing tonight! Please please please, we have to go, it would be so much fun! Beside I really miss dancing! Come one!" Brittany suddenly exclaimed. She had been stating facts rather than really asking for Santana's approval.
The latina smiled at her friend's excitement, and shrugged her shoulders lightly, pretending to only do her a favor.
"Well if you really want to go dancing, I guess we can go, whatever…" She answered, trying not to look happy at the idea.
"YAAAY! You're awesome!" The blonde startled Santana when she stoop up to hug her tightly taking her by surprise. She hadn't thought this through, but it didn't matter anyway. That's how she was all the time, and she wasn't going to restrain herself from being natural. Besides, when she regained composure, Santana smirked and said casually : "You know it!"
Brittany roles her eyes in amusement and settled back down to finish her ice cream. Miraculously enough, it didn't get on Santana's clothes at all, much to her relief.
A few moments later, a voice took them both by surprise. It came from behind Brittany, so she only knew it was a man speaking. Santana looked confused as they both heard : "I knew we would meet again!"
The voice was cheery and almost flirtatious, which surprised Brittany. She turned around to see who was talking to them, wandering it the voice was addressed to Santana or to her. As soon as her eyes landed on the tall and, she had to admit, very good-looking man standing behind her, she knew he had been talking to her.
Before she could react, he spoke again : "I was hoping I would run into you, and there you are, that must be fate in this huge city, right ?" He threw her the most seductive smile she had ever seen, probably knowing what effect he usually had on women.
'Sauf les femmes qui sont déjà follement amoureuses de quelqu'un d'autre' (Except the ones that were already madly in love with someone else), Brittany thought.
Brittany looked at Santana who was glaring at him, not even trying to hide it. He seemed totally oblivious to her though. The sight warmed Brittany's heart a little bit, because Santana seemed more than pissed at a man who was doing his best to hit on her. The thought alone made her day. She had however absolutely no intention of leading him on. First she never did that, and second, it wasn't exactly the best way to gain the latina's trust again.
But before she could say anything to gently let him down, he spoke again, not letting her speak one word : "Come out with me tonight ? I'll buy you dinner and you can tell me everything about you new job here in New York! Last time I didn't get a chance to ask you anything…" And there he went with that smile again. He was admittedly charming, but the blonde didn't see any interest in him. All she could really notice was how his brown eyes were less sparkling and deep than Santana's, how his smile never made her feel lighter, how his voice wasn't even remotely close to bring butterflies in her stomach like Santana's did.
Brittany smiled shaking her head slightly closing her eyes for a brief moment while. Then she sighed thinking about how the guy was so oblivious to the fact that he didn't stand a chance. Nobody did actually.
When she looked back, she realized that both Santana and the man were staring at her. They didn't look the same though.
The man was still smiling, apparently sure of himself, and probably took her silence as shyness, while the latina seemed… Pissed obviously. But there was more than that. She appeared anxious, like she was doing her best to not freak out. Brittany knew her so well that she could read her. In addition, she looked helpless and confused. The blonde decided to put an end to this situation as soon as she could.
"I'm sorry but I can't go out with you tonight, or any night for that matter. Thank you for asking though…" Before she could finish, he interrupted her.
"Why not ?" He seemed genuinely curious. Brittany didn't expect this question, but it didn't take her long to answer anyway.
"I am just not interested. And I am involved already." It was a simple answer, which didn't call for any kind of counterarguments.
The blonde kept her eyes on him while he mumbled an answer and turned around to walk away, head down. She hoped that Santana wasn't mad about what she said.
When their eyes met, Brittany could decipher the latina's face. They stayed silent for a few minutes, before Santana spoke : "Who was that ?"
Her voice was steady and emotionless.
"Just the guy I was sitting next on the plane when I came here" Brittany answered with hesitation. She wondered where this conversation would go.
"Do you like him ?" Brittany was getting frustrating at the unreadable expression on Santana's face but sharp voice, but remained calm.
"No, of course not, I don't!" She said quietly, before pausing, collecting her thoughts. "San I know that you want us to be friends, and that's ok, but it doesn't mean that I don't… I mean, you know…?" She wasn't sure if she was allowed to finish her sentence.
Brittany was sure that Santana knew what she was trying to tell her, but the latina asked her anyway : "That you don't what Britt ?"
He voice was now much less emotionless. As a matter of fact, it was hopeful and shaky.
"It doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore. Because I do, I love you, I've always loved you. I love you everyday and I just…" Brittany looked down to her hands in her laps, closing her eyes. This wasn't exactly what a friend would say, but when she started talking about her feelings, she just couldn't hold much in.
"Sorry, I said too much" She added looking back up. But Santana didn't look upset or anything. She didn't look like someone who heard too much.
"It's ok. Thank you." The latina only said, looked straight into the blonde's eyes.
"For what ?" Brittany wondered. She felt so small and vulnerable all of a sudden.
"For always reminding me that I won't lose you again. I need it, I real need it all the time, and if feels good to hear you say this. I know I don't… I mean, I know I said that I wanted us to be friends and start fresh, but still, it's nice to know that under all of this you still… But I also feel bad for asking you for explanations when I knew what you meant. It's like I want everything, you know ? Like while I tell you I only want your friendship for now, I still don't want you to stop…You know, stop…"
"…Loving you." Brittany finished Santana's sentence with ease, because she was obviously struggling with it. The latina kept quiet for a moment, and both woman stared at each other.
"It's ok San, really. Besides it's not I could stop even if you asked!" The blonde trued to joke, earning one tiny smile from Santana.
She turned serious again : "You have nothing to be sorry for San, I'm fine. It's all good, ok ?"
Santana nodded and things got nicely quiet again, as they watch people around them.
"You said that you were involved already though… Are you ?" The latina broke the silence with a tiny voice.
"Well yeah I guess you could say that." Brittany seemed deep in thought, but noticed Santana's face fall.
"Do you not want me to say that ?" Brittany seemed confused about the latina's reaction.
"It's got nothing to do with me." The answer came, short and cold, which took the blonde by surprise.
"It's got everything to do with you San" she replied shyly, looking straight into Santana's eyes.
"What do you mean ?" The latina seemed genuinely confused about this conversation.
"Well, I mean when I say that I'm involved already, I mean you of course, and I know that we are not really… You know… But I don't want people getting any ideas if I tell them that I'm single. It's just simpler that way, if they think that…" Brittany stopped her rambling when she saw Santana's eyes widened in sudden understanding, as her mouth opened in surprise.
"What ? Did you think…? Oh, San, NO, of course I'm not involved with anyone else!" Brittany grabbed her hands and tried to catch her eyes, but the latina seemed embarrassed and looked away, shaking her head. She didn't pull her hands away though.
"You are so quick to assume this kind of things when it comes to me San, when you have trouble believing that I'll never… That I love you too much to ever let you go again. Why, why San ? I know that I broke your heart, and I know that… But I mean, I never deceived you, I never…" Tears were coming down her cheeks as she struggled to gather her thoughts in order to finish her sentence, but the words were stuck in her mouth.
"No, I'm sorry Britt, it's just… It seems just to good to be true, and I have a hard time believing that it's real, that's it. I need to get used to the idea that you are not going anywhere. But I mean, you did break my trust when you broke my heart, so you know… I just need time ok ? Please…"
Brittany probably felt even worse after that, but said nothing. She knew that Santana didn't mean to make her feel bad, and that she was only trying to be honest and explain herself. But the blonde couldn't help but wonder if her ex-girlfriend would ever be able to get over all of their crappy history and move on to a brighter future.
A few hours later, Brittany and Santana were in a bar drinking cocktails. After their conversation in the park, they both went home and decided to follow their plan to go dancing, even if the atmosphere hadn't exactly been light. Santana thought that a nice night out would appease the tension between them, and so she kept her word and met the blonde in front of her favorite bar. The music and drinks were awesome and they could dance, so it was a win-win.
Santana was more conflicted than ever. The day had been going great until the guy showed up and tried to woo Brittany. The latina tried her best to not act jealous, and she thought that she did a pretty good job at it, but when the man left, she couldn't hide her annoyance when she asked the blonde who he was. She had acted on impulse and regretted it now.
After all, she had no right to act like a jealous girlfriend when they were not even together. It was so selfish of her. She has asked Brittany to be her friend and just her friend, for now anyway, and when someone showed interest in the blonde, she got mad at her for it. It didn't make any sense. She had never really been jealous when they were dating, because she knew that Brittany would never cheat on her or anything. But right now, things were different.
It hit Santana with violence that there would always be so many people trying to get with Brittany, and while the blonde kept repeating that she wasn't going anywhere, Santana couldn't help but feel like she was wasting her chance. Her ex-lover was so beautiful and smart and funny and perfect, and french for God's sake, that anyone in their right mind would want her. Santana didn't want to think about this, because it only upset her more and made her angry, at herself mainly.
This all thing also brought back some old worries and questions that she had before Brittany came back. She knew she had to talk to her about it, or it would eat her alive. So she took one more sip of her delicious and strong cocktail for courage, and went for it.
"Britt, can I ask you something ?" She shot in the blonde's ear, trying to make herself audible with the loud music.
Brittany nodded smiling, before saying : "Anything"
"Did something help you decide to break up with me ?" Santana tried, knowing that she most likely didn't make any sense.
Brittany frowned at the question, probably not wanting to talk about that while they were trying to have fun and enjoy each other. She answered anyway : "What do you mean ?"
Sanata tried to think of a better way to formulate her question, but she was struggling.
"Come on San, you know you can ask me anything…" Brittany encouraged her, robbing her arm softly. Santana got lost in her beautiful blue eyes for a few seconds, before she spoke again.
"Did you meet someone else back in France ? Someone that were there for you like I couldn't be and…" Her voice was so small and she felt so fragile in that moment that it was incredibly difficult for the latina to keep her eyes on the blonde's.
"Whaaat ?! NO! San why would you think that ? Of course not! No-one could ever compare to you! There was NEVER anyone else, you hear me ?"
Brittant had grabbed both of the latina's arms and hold her firmly, while she kept her eyes on her. They stared at each other before Santana nodded and the blonde let go of her.
"Thank you, I just needed to be sure."
Brittany seemed deep in thoughts for a while, and when she finally spoke, she took Santana by surprise : "Tu me manques dès que tu n'es pas là, you know ? And i've missed you so much along the years. Nobody could ever fill your place. Ever." (I miss you whenever you're gone)
The latina smiled widely at that, remembering what it meant because a younger Brittany had taught her that sentence when she was trying to learn french.
Suddenly, the blonde got up and dragged her on the dance floor. The moved their body along the beats of the music, and Santana was mesmerized but Brittany skills. She had always been an amazing dancer, and well, something never change. She did her best to keep her hands to herself, but it felt incredibly good to let go of her worries and just… just enjoy being with the blonde and have a good time, not caring about anything else.
Sometimes, they would both laugh hysterically at each other when they were goofing around with silly dance moves, and some other times, they turned serious and grinned lightly against each other, not so friendly.
But things went to hell when a red-head woman decided to shake her ass to Brittany's, who did her best to ignore her and gently push her away. She didn't seem to be enjoying this at all, but it still pissed off Santana, who went back to their table suddenly. The blonde followed her immediately and seemed confused when the latina didn't even acknowledge her sitting next to her.
"Santana, what's wrong ? We were having fun weren't we ?"
"You seemed to be having a lot of fun yeah" The latina snapped. She knew she was being very unfair to her ex-girlfriend, but she couldn't help it.
Before Brittany could even answer, the red-head showed up again, and grand the blonde's hand in attempt to get her to dance with her. Brittany was taken by surprise but rapidly pulled away.
"What do you think you're doing ? Don't you see that she isn't alone you bitch ?" Santana pushed the other woman even farther away from Brittany and yelled at her, venom in her voice. She was beyond pissed off by now, and nothing apart from the blonde's arms around her could have kept her from kicking some ass.
The woman was obviously drunk and mumbled something before turning her back to them and walked away. Santana felt very self-conscious all of a sudden. Brittany was trying to get her to sit back at their table, and calm her with the most gentle and soothing voice you could ever hear.
The latina was so mad at everything, at the red-head, at herself for letting her tempter get over her, at Brittany for making her go crazy, for being so fucking perfect all the time… She did no stand a chance, and it pissed her off more than anything. She was so in love with her even after everything that she had put her through, and it mad her so angry at the moment. Like she couldn't even control herself. That's why she pushed her away strongly and left the bar rapidly.
Of course, the blonde went after her and hold her back, forcing her to turn around outside of the bar.
"Santana, where are you going ?" She seemed so confused and lost that the latina had to look away from her.
"I'm leaving, this was a mistake" She snapped, turning around again. But Brittany didn't let her and asked her, tears slowly gathering in her eyes : "What was ? Santana I'm sorry about this girl, but I didn't do anything, why are you mad at me ?"
"I'm mad at you because you're always there! You don't ever leave alone, you're always calling me and texting me and you are always so fucking perfect! Always the right answers, always the right reactions!"
Brittany was fully crying now, and said in a shaky and small voice : "I don't understand, what are you saying…?"
"Leave me alone Brittany, just leave me the fuck alone!" Santana screamed and walked away. This time, the blonde didn't hold her back. The latina could only hear her sobs as she walked into the darkness.