She Used To Be Mine
Chapter Ten
A/N: I know it's been a sad week or so with the announcement of the cancellation – trust me I'm as sad as anyone about it. But, I'm not abandoning this fic – it will get finished – however, it doesn't actually have much left to it. And that has nothing to do with the cancellation, it was only ever meant to span about the first year of Evan's life. I am thinking about some new projects if anyone's interested in continuing to read for this pairing, let me know if you guys are interested.
Summary: And yeah, Amy's there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn't. She's whispering 'sorrys' and things like 'we'll do this together' and although Karma knows they can't possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
"So.. Taylor Collins messaged me on Facebook a few nights ago."
Amy's head snaps up immediately at the comment, eyebrows raised in vague curiosity as she readjusts Evan in her lap. "Oh yeah? I'm sure he had super interesting things to say."
"He asked me out," Karma finally admits, watching as Amy flinches, grip tightening on the textbook in front of Evan.
"That's.. awesome," she manages, and the subject seems to be closed right then and there.
It's not fair, really. The way Amy is off playing house with this girl in college, and Karma even mentions a boy asking her out, and it's like a crime's been committed. Evan's coming up on ten-months-old, and if she can't have Amy then some part of her wonders if she should be thinking about getting back out there - if she should be thinking about who the hell is going to help her raise her kid. It's no secret it should be Amy, and if Karma had free pick of anyone in the entire world it would be Amy, but at this point it's starting to become: if it can't be Amy, then who will it be?
"That's it? That's awesome?" Karma asks after a moment, continues with, "I thought you'd have more questions than that," and waits.
Amy sighs. "Karm, what else do you want me to say? You know how I feel about Collins - he's a self-absorbed, cocky toolbag. He's just as bad as Liam. I mean you're really gonna expose Evan to someone like that on a regular basis?"
"It's not like guys are beating down the door to be with someone that comes with a pre-packaged family."
"Are you suddenly looking for some serious relationship?" Amy asks, jingling her car keys around for entertainment for Evan. "I mean the last time we talked you didn't even seem interested in dating."
"I'm nineteen," Karma notes, glancing over at the two of them sadly. "I can't just turn into some old hag with a kid. He changed everything, but he isn't the start and the end of my life."
In saying it, Karma realizes it to be true for the first time since she became a mother. Just because she had a baby doesn't mean it's the end of everything - it just means a lot changed. And maybe Amy is off being what society has deemed a normal nineteen-year-old at college and so on, but she finally realizes that the route she took isn't abnormal, just different, and she needs to learn to stop punishing herself for it.
"No, he isn't," Amy agrees, carefully. "But, you're still a mom now-"
"Amy, I know you mean well," Karma interjects, steeling herself against the oncoming accusations. "But don't act like me thinking about dating someone means I'm a bad parent. You, of all people, know that isn't true."
"I wasn't saying that."
Karma waits, disbelief written all over her face. "Then what were you saying?"
"I was just pointing out that who you date is going to affect him," Amy points out, gesturing to the baby in her lap, like Karma's somehow forgotten him.
"You're talking to me like I don't know that. Of course I know it affects him. If I went out with Taylor I wouldn't even have him around Evan like that."
"If?" Amy asks after a beat, turning on the couch to face Karma more fully.
"I never said I was going," Karma finally answers, and then pauses to collect her thoughts. "I guess I just wanted to see what you thought. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life alone, Ames."
"What about me?"
"What about you? You're with Nic, okay? You're not Evan's parent, you have no obligation to us," Karma reminds, pain written all over her face at the admission.
Amy shuts her eyes the second the words are out. "Okay…" she says around a breath. "Wow."
"I'm just telling you the truth," Karma tells her softly, trying to inflict as little damage as possible.
"Yeah, sure," Amy gets out, voice suddenly closed and colder than it's ever been. "We have more studying to do, E. You ready?" she turns to Evan and her textbook, avoiding Karma entirely, and Karma hates herself for ruining what little time they have. Amy's home for Thanksgiving break and it was supposed to be four days of uninterrupted time together. No Nic. No college. No bullshit. And it feels like she can't help but ruin whatever time they've gotten together since Amy left for college.
"Amy-"
"Tell mommy we're studying, E," Amy says to him, earning a smile from Evan who slaps at the textbook and bounces like a happy baby seal. Karma laughs and Amy grins at his reaction. If getting past arguments is as easy as making him laugh, well, she's willing to bring him everywhere for the rest of forever.
"You helping aunt Amy, baby?" Karma coos at him a few times, snorting when he throws Amy's car keys across the room in excitement.
Amy shakes her head with a laugh. "Thanks, little man. Guess it's a sign I'm not leaving anytime soon, huh?"
"No!" Evan replies loudly, little feet kicking at the textbook in front.
They're still not used to him talking and it surprises them both when he actually answers things appropriately, even though all the baby books say he probably isn't doing that purposely. He babbles a lot more than anything else, big on one syllable words that manage to make it into the daily conversations he has with grandpa Lucas.
"No?! E, you don't get to decide how long I stay," Amy tells him, smile bright and full. Karma's fairly certain she'll never be over their interactions. No matter who she dates or how long they stay, these moments will always make her heart want to explode with joy.
"You ready for dinner, buddy?" she finally asks after a few beats, just so they don't ruin their carefully crafted schedule.
He babbles back some non-intelligible response and reaches out for the textbook attempting to turn the page to mimic Amy. Karma snorts when he rips one. Amy attempts a scowl, breaks immediately and says, "Are you interested in the photographic achievements of Robert Mapplethorpe?"
"Maybe we have a mini photographer on our hands," Karma offers as she heaves herself off the couch to hunt down dinner for all three of them.
"What do you think of that?" Amy asks him, reaching down to poke his belly a few times. "I could give you all my old cameras when you get older, we can shoot pictures together," and Karma has a second where she has to lean on the counter for support, hidden by the wall separating the kitchen and living room. It's an image she hadn't quite let herself consider - a ten-year-old Evan running around learning photography techniques from Amy. "Karma! He totally nodded yes, I think we need to get him a toy camera," Amy announces a few seconds later from the other room.
It's getting harder and harder to imagine a future that isn't with Amy - and maybe that's precisely why she needs to think about moving on too.
"Open that mouth!" Amy says with a smile, airplaning a small spoon over her head. "Coming in for landing, E. You gotta let the plane on the runway."
Evan shakes his head, aggressively opposed to any of the mushed peas. Amy's doing everything she can to convince him, and bless her heart for trying so hard.
"He hates the peas," Karma tells her, smirking when he hits the spoon out of her hand and the food hits the floor with a splat. "I can usually get him to take one spoonful and then that's the end of it."
"To be fair," Amy starts, making a face as she sniffs at the jar. "These look awful. I think they're even worse than you described. I don't really blame him."
Karma laughs, shakes her head as she grabs for a rag to wipe up the mess. "He's gonna be off his formula soon though, the pediatrician said he needs nutrients-"
"But at what cost?" Amy asks seriously as she uses the bib to wipe the green mush off Evan's face.
"Ames, we're not feeding him rat poison. They're peas."
"He'd like donuts more."
"Duh," Karma deadpans, smiling as she leans over to kisses his little cheeks before heading to the sink, vaguely wondering how they can go from bickering at each other to this so quickly. "It's probably a good thing you don't determine all of his food choices."
"Hey, just because I have a sweet tooth-"
"A sweet tooth?" Karma asks, shock evident as she turns to look at Amy again. "You have a sweet mouth," she blurts, flushing immediately when she realizes how it sounded.
Amy snorts. "Oh, I know that, Karma."
"Shut up. You know I didn't mean it like that," she assures with an embarrassed grin, but considers that out of the few people she has kissed Amy's still the best by a landslide.
"Sure you didn't," Amy replies, clearly amused, and continues cleaning off Evan before lifting him from his chair. "E, your mommy thinks I have a sweet mouth," she singsongs, chuckling when Evan laughs back like he actually gets the joke.
"Amy!"
"What? I need someone on my side. Little man is always on my team."
"He's my kid, why's he on your team?" she asks with a smile, wondering how Amy is gonna defend this one.
"Because he's my E. Always will be," Amy finally says, clearly pleased, and then kisses his face until he belly laughs and kicks his feet, his little hands in fists, and Karma's heart thuds roughly in her chest at the scene.
It's been two weeks since Amy went back to school, and the clock on the nightstand is nearing midnight when Karma glances over for the tenth time. She's spent the last four hours agonizing over Evan with his stuffy little nose and cough that's only gotten progressively worse all day. They even spent an hour holed up in her parent's tiny bathroom, filling it with steam, hoping it might help him breathe just a little bit more because she can't stand to see him like this.
Being a parent means not having control over a lot of things, and that's just not a lesson she wanted to learn by watching her little boy suffer for hours on end.
His coughs ring through the baby monitor, and when he starts to cry it's basically the last straw. Karma heaves herself out of bed and pads to the room just across the hall to find Evan with a red nose, crying as he bangs on the bars of the crib clearly looking for some sort of salvation.
"Hey, baby, I'm here.. Mommy's here, okay? I've got you," Karma tells him as she pulls him from his crib, warmth radiating from his tiny form in waves. "You feel warm, Ev, I think we should check your temperature."
Evan has sad eyes and coughs up more mucus as they make their way to the kitchen to hunt down the thermometer Amy bought back when he was just an infant. He whimpers when Karma struggles to get it under his arm, and fusses against her during the wait, and somehow she just feels worse, like she's torturing him in the name of trying to help. It seems like a lot of the next few years are going to feel a lot like that though.
"That can't be right," she says out loud, more to herself than him, when the thermometer beeps, reading 102.1. "That - your fever can't be that high… Just lemme check it one more time, buddy," and when the reading comes back the second time at 102.3 is when she starts to actually panic, and suddenly it's not so fucking nice that her parents are never home to provide any fucking guidance.
Evan looks up with heavy lidded eyes, his nose continually running like a small faucet, and Karma just wants to crawl in a hole and evaporate because it doesn't feel like she should be the adult making the decisions here - all she really wants is her mom to tell her what to do. Or really, any actual real adult that could talk some sense instead of what she's stuck with - which is figuring out what he needs from her.
Again she wonders why the fuck parenthood doesn't come with a god damn manual because feeling lost like this becomes less and less appealing as the minutes tick by while her baby looks to her for answers.
All she can think to do is fire off a text to Amy:
December 9 (12:17 AM)
Karma: Evan has a fever. I checked it twice. 102.1 and 102.3. What do I do?
(12:19 AM)
Amy: maybe he needs to go to the hospital karm.. that sounds high.. just take him to be safe. he's going to be fine they're going to take care of him.
(12:21 AM)
Karma: I'm freaking out. He's been sick all day. What if something's really wrong?
(12:21 AM)
Amy: it's probably just a bad cold or something. are your parents home?
(12:24 AM)
Amy: karma?
Karma: Sorry. Getting his stuff together. And no fucking of course they're not. I'll be fine. Text you later when I find out what's going on. We're leaving now.
(12:25 AM)
Amy: please let me know. im gonna wait up.
It's learning to handle these things alone that makes Karma feel like she's aged ten years by the time she throws her parent's car in park in front of the hospital. Evan cries the whole way, putting her on edge, and she's frazzled by the time they finally get up to the desk.
"He's sick," she inadvertently blurts out as soon as she makes eye contact with a woman in scrubs.
The nurse, who looks about her mother's age, smiles and settles at the counter, says, "Okay, what's been going on with this little guy?" and Karma immediately feels just a little bit better by the calm tone of her voice.
"He has a fever," she manages to tell the woman before the tears come. "I'm so sorry - I just," and then pauses to try to collect herself. "He's never been sick and I have no idea what I'm doing."
Evelyn, or so the nametag says, moves to Karma's side and reaches for Evan to let Karma breathe for a minute. "Ms-"
"It's Karma."
"Karma," she echoes, gently, "why don't you both come with me? We'll get him set up so the doctors can come take a look at him. You did the right thing bringing him in if he has a high fever. Is anyone with you?"
"No," Karma breathes out, running her hands over her face. "It's just me."
"That's fine, come over here and we'll get him settled. Does this little one have a name?"
"It's Evan," Karma finally says as they make their way to a small exam room. Evelyn places him in a crib with high bars, rechecks his temperature, and frowns when she notes the numbers on the thermometer. "Is everything okay?"
"He does have a fever. He's up to 103, I'm gonna let the doctors know so they can come examine him too. It's good you brought him in so we can see what's going on and we can treat him. Don't beat yourself up - they get sick. I have two of my own," Evelyn tells her with a small touch to the shoulder before leaving them.
"What happened to you, Ev? How'd you get so sick?" Karma whispers, inching closer to his crib just to be near to him.
"Ma," he mutters sadly, bleary eyed and drowsy with his blanket bear in hand.
"Mommy's right here. I'm not leaving you and we're going to make you better," she tells him, smiling sadly when she notices his toy. She hadn't even realized he brought it along, but ever since Amy gave it to him he won't settle without it.
Doctors come in and out, Karma doesn't even get most of their names or what their credentials are, but she's seen enough Grey's Anatomy to know that some are residents just learning, and some are attendings that have the final say on things. But it's Evelyn that she sees most of the time, and she's the one that simplifies all the doctor talk when everything feels like it's threatening to overwhelm.
"We'll have respiratory down here soon, Miss Ashcroft, in the meantime his nurse will get an IV started to rehydrate and with some airway treatments he should start to feel a little better - I'll have a resident come back in for some consents," he says noncommittally before leaving, but Karma feels like she understood all of absolutely nothing.
"So, he has RSV?" she finally asks as Evelyn moves around the room gathering supplies and medications. "What does that mean?"
"It stands for respiratory syncytial virus," she explains easily before giving Evan a spoonful of medicine that he grudgingly swallows with her coercing. "That was tylenol for his fever - we need to work on getting that down first. But, basically, it's a nasty virus a lot of kids under two end up with this time of year. It's common, but can be dangerous because it effects his airways."
"But it's fixable?"
"We can treat his symptoms, but with viruses you kind of have to let them run their course - I know that's not what you were hoping for, but he'll be feeling a lot better if we at least get rid of that nasty cough" she keeps laying out a table of different things that make Karma's eyes go wide. "Right, Evan? We're going to get rid of that cough and get rid of that fever," she coos at Evan in a smaller voice, and it makes Karma feel fractionally better that she's not some nasty old woman, she has his best interests at heart.
A doctor re-enters and she blindly signs off on some papers because she can't really take her eyes off her little boy, he looks so small in the crib since the bars are raised to make sure there's no climbing out.
"Is - what are you going to do exactly?" Karma finally asks, digging her nails into her thighs when she notices needles on the tray for the first time.
Evelyn looks up at the question and pauses to answer. "We need to start an IV. The fever dehydrated him, and sometimes having the extra fluids on board along with the Tylenol will help reduce the fever. Our priority is getting him back to a normal temperature. It's my job to be honest with you, Karma, his fever being this high can be dangerous."
The nurse is kind and soothing, but tears unwillingly fill her eyes again even as she's trying to be brave - for herself, for him - she's trying to be a mom that can put her own shit aside and be there for her kid and it's harder than she thought.
"If you need to step out-"
"No," she interjects, bracing herself for what's coming. "I'll be fine. He needs me."
A second nurse comes in to help make sure he doesn't squirm while Evelyn starts to eye his tiny arm for veins, says, "I know this is no fun, Evan, but I promise I'm trying to help you, okay?" and Karma honestly feels like she might throw up when he won't stop crying. She feels helpless, and like she's just failing in all aspects when he keeps looking at her through swollen eyes for some kind of reprieve. His cries turn into heart wrenching screams the longer he's being held, and she almost puts a stop to the whole thing until she hears her name.
"Karma-" a voice says from the doorway, she'd know that voice anywhere. Amy's arms are wrapped around her in seconds, and it's more comfort than any words ever would be. Just having her here means more.
"What are you-"
"I came for you," Amy says simply, leading them both to the crib where she sticks her hands through the bars to hold his. "E, c'mon buddy, I'm here too. You're gonna feel better if we just let the nurse do her job, kay?"
He doesn't stop crying, just works himself up so much that he can't stop coughing, and Karma feels frantic as she moves forward to try to calm him down too. "Evan, sweetheart, I love you. You'll be done in just a minute, baby."
"Is this normal?" Amy finally asks the second nurse.
"I know it's hard to watch, but it's to help him," she replies with a gesture to his current state, continues with, "no kid takes this well, but Evelyn will get him on the first try, she's the best we have for IV sticks," and strokes his face a few times with her free hand to make some attempt at comfort. Amy nods and holds his hand tightly, keeps whispering words of reassurance that seem to do nothing.
It feels like the ninth circle of hell until Evelyn gets his IV in, he looks like he's in a tiny restraint when she's finally done taping his arm to a board to keep it straight, and his eyes are so swollen and bloodshot from crying that Karma's pretty sure he's going to have PTSD from the entire experience. It's a toss up whether she feels worse that he's sick, or that she brought him here to fix it, and ended up subjecting him to that.
She looks at Evan in the crib, whimpering while he holds his blanket bear, the IV pole in the corner, his taped up arm, and finally starts crying in earnest at the whole night. Amy's quick to wrap an arm around her shoulders, pull her in close, and kisses the top of her head before saying, "Hey, he's gonna be okay, we're gonna make sure he gets better."
Karma sniffles a few times and wipes her nose on her sleeve. "This is - I can't stand seeing him like this."
"I can't either," Amy finally says, a few tears escaping her eyes as she blinks. "Why didn't you just ask me to come home? You shouldn't have to do this by yourself."
"Amy, I can't ask you to drive all the way here for things like this," she explains gently as she stands to kneel at the side of the crib again. "I have to learn to do this alone."
"You don't have to do anything alone," Amy says with a sigh, standing to pace. "You still don't get it do you?" Karma turns to look back at Amy, her hand wrapped around Evan's as he dozes off having finally exhausted himself. "I don't know how to do anything but be here. I'm here because I want to be, Karma."
Her eyes widen, she's finally rendered speechless, and Amy just looks like she's said too much. It looks like words escaped that were buried so far under the surface they never should've seen the light of day. She can't help but feel bad that Amy was forced into blurting confessions she never should've had to make.
"But what about-"
"Karma, hey, how's he doing?" Nic walks in with three coffees in hand, kisses Amy on the cheek, and moves to hand over the disposable cup to Karma first.
"Nic," Karma says, finishing her sentence lamely. "He's doing a little better. We're working on his fever, the nurse said respiratory should be here in five or ten minutes to help him breathe a little easier."
Nic's eyes are sympathetic and it feels like the guilt looms heavily in the room between the three of them. "I'm glad. Poor guy. Amy was insistent we drive in."
Amy clears her throat a few times, eyes everywhere but on Karma. "I didn't wanna make you come all this way," she says to Nic, and then finally glances to the crib. "Nic was, um, we were about to go to bed when I got your text and you know I don't have my car, I was gonna take a bus, but she said she'd drive, so here we are," she finally gets out, exhaling heavily at the end.
"Thank you," Karma finally says, directing it to both of them. "I really appreciate it, but you really didn't have to."
"Amy was coming with or without me," Nic says, softly, shooting Amy a knowing look. "I didn't want her taking the bus at one in the morning by herself."
Amy blushes, sort of shrinks into the corner, and an awkward silence settles. Karma doesn't know if Nic heard any part of their conversation, doesn't know if she just knows something that she herself is not privy to regarding Amy. But it's been months of convincing herself that Amy's in love with this girl, that this is the girl that makes her best friend happy, and she's determined to not be what fucks that up for her again.
They sit like that for long, quiet minutes - minutes that make Karma antsy and she almost tells them both to leave, but instead she focuses on Evan, watches carefully as the respiratory therapist puts a tiny mask over his face to use the nebulizer. He fusses a few times, whimpering while Karma holds his hand again to try to distract him from what's going on. It's disheartening when he finally sort of just gives up the fight and lays there looking at her tiredly, like he doesn't have the energy to keep pushing it all away.
Amy and Nic stay on opposite sides of the room, both of them eyeing the treatment with immense focus every time Karma looks back. It feels like she did something wrong, but really, she's not the one with a significant other - she's not the one tossing someone to the side to be there for someone else. Sure, she's glad Amy's here, has no idea how she would've gotten through the night without that extra support when Evan was at his worst, but she didn't make Amy come. She didn't tell her to go flying down an hour and a half of highway back to Austin at one in the morning.
Molly eventually breaks up the silence when she and Lucas come hurling into the room, worry evident on both of their faces. Amy excuses herself and Nic to the cafeteria for snacks, Lucas heads for the crib where Evan is dozing again, and Molly pulls Karma in for the most intense hug she's ever received.
"Honey, why didn't you call us?"
Karma sighs and pulls back. "I didn't wanna worry you guys. You've been busy. I need to learn to be able to handle this stuff."
"Karma…" Molly says with a shake of her head and a deep breath. "No one has to do this kind of thing alone. You're not any less of a mother because you need support too. You're a single mother - most people have a significant other to count on, there's nothing wrong with calling us for help," she stops, then adds, "Or Amy," with a knowing smile.
"Mom, I didn't call her. She just showed up."
"As if that girl would ever be anywhere else when you need her," her mom tells her, like it's something Karma's forgotten since Amy went off to college. "She loves Evan you know."
"Yeah, I know."
"And we do too," she reminds, looking over to Lucas who's still leaning over the crib. "Karma, dear, please try to remember you don't need to shut us out because you think you need to prove something."
"I - that's never what I meant to do," she tells them carefully, looking away, something like shame crossing her face. "And I'm .. I shouldn't have kicked you out when I had him - at the hospital that day. You should've been there," she says sadly, stopping for a moment to look back and forth between her parents. "It must've been hard, now that I know what it's like to see your kid in pain and to just feel so .. helpless."
Her mom nods, looks over at her dad who smiles at them both, and then he says, "That's the hard part about this, sweetheart. Learning that you can't fix everything for your child, no matter how much you want to. But, another thing you'll learn is when you have to let go. We had to let you go that day, let you become a mother on your own terms, and Karma, we'd make the same decision today that we did then."
It occurs to her then that she's taken her parents and turned them into complete weirdos in her own mind, but there's so much to be learned from them. They may have been unconventional parents, and maybe when she was sixteen she would've killed for more traditional parenting, but now, Karma thinks they have so much to teach her if she's only willing to stop pushing them away.
"How did you know we were here?" she asks moments later, even though she's pretty sure she already knows.
"Amy called of course," her dad says simply, like it's common knowledge, and really by now, it probably should be.
They stay with Evan when Karma finally realizes she needs a break outside of the four walls of his room. Her mom waves her off, says she needs some "breathing room to reclaim her zen" and sends her out. It's only then that she finally has a second to check her phone and notices a screen full of texts, all from the one person she wasn't expecting.
December 9 (03:18 AM)
Liam: heard you took evan to the hospital. pls let me kno whats goin on
Liam: i kno we werent on good terms when i left last time but i do care about what happens to him karma
(03:47 AM)
Liam: if youre mad at me i get it. but pls dont keep info from me on him
(04:10 AM)
Liam: if you dont answer me by 5 im going to come up to the hospital.
(04:32 AM)
Karma: Hey. I'm sorry I really haven't looked at my phone. He's doing okay. He has an IV right now and got some Tylenol and a nebulizer treatment. Doctors said he has RSV and it's common in kids his age. His fever is coming down. My parents are with him.
(04:35 AM)
Liam: but hes going to be ok?
(04:36 AM)
Karma: Yeah they're just watching him. Making sure he gets rehydrated. Thanks for checking on him.
Liam: amy text me. said she thought i should know. wish you wouldve told me tho. our kids in the hospital i can still be worried about him.
(04:37 AM)
Liam: im sorry for how things ended the last time we spoke. was hoping we could meet up to try to talk again.. it wont be like last time. promise. i have some things id like to say. been talking to robin and zita a lot about our situation. let me know if thats something youd be interested in.
(04:40 AM)
Karma: I'll think about it. Let me get back to you after I get some rest today.
Liam: thats fine. update me if anything changes?
(04:41 AM)
Karma: Sure. Night.
Liam: nite to both of you. amy too.
The one eighty from Liam is surprising, and then not. The entire experience with him has been a whirlwind, and things have been back and forth ever since that afternoon in his kitchen when she revealed the truth. But it's still hard - it's hard to be the one that decides if Evan has his father in his life if there's any chance at all that Liam could change.
Is part of being a parent doing what's best for your child even if it goes against your own personal preferences? Probably. And it's why Karma actually considers having this conversation with him when all of this blows over. It's going to be eighteen years of fighting if they don't figure their shit out at some point and that's never what she wanted for Evan, she's never wanted him to be in the middle of his parents, and if having a conversation with Liam can make anything in the world easier for Evan - well, after tonight she never wants to see him hurting again, especially not if it's something that she can fix.
"Hey, you okay?" Amy asks as she approaches. "You look deep in thought."
Karma sighs. "You told Liam."
"I - yeah, I know you guys aren't exactly talking, and he's not my favorite fucking person on the earth, but I didn't know what was wrong with him, and if it was something really serious he should know. Like it or not, Evan's his kid."
"Ames, I shouldn't have said… You - I'm glad you're here. You should be here. You're not obligated to, but you…" she pauses, sucking in a breath to make it through, "Amy, you're more of a parent to him than anyone else. You always have been. Just because we never called it the P word, just because we call you aunt Amy - you've been here for him. You've always showed up, when it's hard, when we have no idea what we're doing with him - you're the one that shows up, day in and day out. That's what being a parent means to me. And I shouldn't have tried to take that away from you that day."
Amy's eyes are suspiciously shiny as she braces herself against the wall, bites her lip a few times before answering. "I don't know how to do this with you, Karma," she suddenly admits, Karma raises her eyebrows and gestures for her to continue. "I don't know how this is supposed to work. How to demand access to him when I'm with someone else - or how to explain to someone like Nic why my best friend and her kid are always going to be put ahead of her. I can be here.. I will be here, but at the end of the day I don't really have a leg to stand on if you wanna take him away, or you decide he shouldn't be around who I'm dating, or we're fighting..."
"I wouldn't take him away from you," Karma says immediately, leaning back against the wall too. "That's not an option. He loves you."
"Yeah, I know he does," Amy's voice cracks in all the places that make the whole thing hurt more. "And I love him too. I love you both. But how is this supposed to work? I know Liam wants to talk to you again about seeing him more -"
"Yeah, and? It's not like I'm just going to forgive all the shit he's put me through for the last ten months."
"No, but I know you," she says quietly, pausing to run a hand over her face before continuing, "I know that you wouldn't keep Liam from him if he came back for the right reasons. I know how you feel about my dad and everything that happened. And what then, Karma? We do every third weekend?"
And then it clicks, everything Amy's trying to say. "You're in college now, I don't expect you to come home every third weekend to see us. I thought what we were doing was working."
"And what about after?" she asks with a small shrug. "What about when I graduate and I get really serious with someone? And what about if I have my own kids?"
It's not something Karma has an answer for - it's another instance where The Future is so far off that she hadn't really gone that far down the line to figure out how this weird arrangement they have might work.
She rests her head back against the wall, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. "If you don't want to do this - if it's ten years down the line and you have your own kids and this doesn't -"
"Damn it, Karma," Amy grunts out, fists balled at her sides in frustration. "When are you going to understand? This weird fucking limbo we're in isn't going to work forever," she moves so she's directly in front of Karma, eyes dark and serious. "When I found out he needed to go to the hospital I wanted to throw up I was so scared. And Nic couldn't really understand - no one I'm with is ever really going to understand the way I care about you both. You're right, I'm the one that shows up, but what happens if I can't? What happens if my own kid is sick, and Evan needs me, and he thinks I abandoned him? Karma, you can't call me the P word when you're making it a part time job for me. Being that to him - being that for him is a full time job, and that kid doesn't deserve a part time parent."
"So what are you saying?" Karma finally asks, staring at Amy, daring her to just say it.
"I'm - I don't know what I'm saying. And I don't wanna say something I can't take back," she admits after a few long moments, moves away until there's too much space between them, something that is only going to become more and more common as time goes by.
Karma looks away, shakes her head to swallow back the lump in her throat, and nods in some sort of acknowledgment. Instead of saying anything else, she just gives Amy's hand a firm squeeze and heads for the front door to get some air because all of this added on top of everything that's happened with Evan just feels like a little too much.
Nic is sitting on the bench in front of the hospital, cigarette between her lips, and it just fucking figures. When Karma actually needs alone time it's like she can't escape all the things that she's actually trying to escape from.
"I've been wondering when you were going to take a break," Nic comments through an exhale of smoke.
Karma laughs lightly, sits gingerly on the bench a few inches away, and looks out at the dimly lit sky ahead of them. "You don't really get breaks from having a baby… or so I've heard."
"No, I suppose not," Nic agrees with a slight shrug. "Can I interest you?" she holds out the pack of cigarettes with a kind smile, "I find they help with relaxing a bit."
It's hard to say no, all she really wants to do is take it and inhale a few good mouthfuls of the chemicals and feel the wave of serenity wash over. But she's a mother now, and decisions aren't based solely on her own needs and wants, and nothing about taking that cigarette would be about him.
"As much as I'd love one, and God do I want to - Evan and…"
"I admire you, Karma," the whole thing is so abrupt that she can't help the shocked expression at Nic's words.
"You admire me?" she echoes, astonished at the twist this conversation has taken.
Nic nods, gently flicking the cigarette, ridding it of the ash. "You're selfless… in a way that I don't think a lot of people would know how to be."
"I'm not-" she tries, but Nic carries on, ignoring the interruption entirely.
"You're selfless when it comes to your son. When it comes to Amy."
"Amy?" Karma's face screws in confusion, still looking over when Nic finally meets her eyes.
"I'm not… unaware of Amy's feelings towards you," she finally admits after a beat, inhaling the smoke deeply as she glances away, "or, your feelings toward her," she adds, a wistful smile gracing her features. "I'll always be second to you and Evan, Karma - I've known that for some time now. But it occurred to me tonight that Amy didn't choose be with me, not exactly."
"Of course she did, no one made her date you," Karma's quick to defend Amy, completely ignoring the first parts of Nic's statement because she just can't, but her heart's beating out of her chest at what this is very quickly coming down to.
"No, no one made her," Nic concedes, finally stubbing the cigarette out on the ground before standing. "But let's not pretend Amy's with me for any reason other than the fact that her first choice was no longer an option."
Somehow, it feels like everything blew up in her face tonight, and she has no idea how the fuck that even happened. This entire hospital trip was about Evan, everything is about Evan, and she just keeps getting wrapped up in her own drama in the midst of it. The walk back to his room feels forty times longer than it was before, and the pale white walls are just adding to her annoyance.
Instead of finding her parents with Evan, she sees Amy kneeling at the crib again, his tiny hand enveloped in hers.
"I can't pick you up yet, buddy, but soon, I promise," Amy tells him, gently, as she uses her free hand to wipe at her eyes - or so Karma assumes since all she can really see from the doorway is the back of her head.
"Mi?" he croaks out, not quite mastering the sound of the 'A,' and Amy laughs lightly, scooting in closer until she can lean her forehead against the bars.
"Yeah, E, that's me," she manages, and Karma knows what it sounds like when she's about to cry, so it seems as good a time as any to interrupt.
"That's the first time he's ever said that," Karma says as she kneels next to Amy, smiling sadly.
"I - I usually hate when people mess up my name, but I don't even care if he can't say it right, yet. It's perfect."
"He loves you, Amy," she says sincerely, pausing to gauge her reaction. "He's - there's nothing you can do or say that would change that. There's no amount of time you could be gone that would make him not look at you like you put the stars in his sky."
Amy grins, says, "I should put some of those up in his room, don't want him to give me credit for something I didn't do," and manages to change the subject entirely.
"Can't have that," Karma agrees, leaning a little to the left to nudge Amy's shoulder with her own. "How'd you end up on baby duty?"
"Your parents went to get some coffee, or green tea, or whatever in the almighty hell they drink these days," she shrugs. "And Nic went back - she has a test today I think? It's fine I'll have my mom or Lauren drive me back eventually."
"You don't have to stay, really. We'll be okay."
"Yeah, I know you will. But I'm not here because I thought you wouldn't be, you know that."
"Yeah," Karma finally breathes out. Amy's always been the one that believed in her, even in all those times when Karma couldn't find it in her to believe in herself.
"Karma?" Evelyn calls from the doorway, and they both turn around to see what she has to say. "If you wanna take him out to hold him, you can. His IV is still running so just watch the tubing, but I'm sure he could use a few cuddles," she smiles before turning away and Karma's world gets just a little bit easier at her words.
"Thank god," she murmurs, reaching in for him immediately, chuckling when his little hands make fists in the fabric of her shirt. "I'm not gonna put you down, baby, we're right here."
"We're right here, Ev," Amy confirms, pulling the other chair as close to them as she can after they get settled. She runs her hands through his hair a few times and leans over to kiss his forehead, pauses and finally decides to softly kiss Karma's cheek too. "We're right here."