So…um… I'm back? Life has been kind of crazy… literally. I changed therapists and everything's been all over and I've been…gone. I didn't think I'd ever get back into the swing of writing, I was actually considering taking down all my unfinished fics, but then I got a review on this a day or two ago and I realized that I need something to stabilize me right now, and writing always did that for me, so… here I am. Sorry it's been so long. I don't know if I'll be able to do any other fics right now, but I'm determined to get this one done.

Chapter ten: her eyes are still half-shut

[Matt's POV]

I'm actually in a pretty good mood for most of the day. Mello has that kind of effect on me, he's just so… I don't even know. Odd, I guess. He keeps so much in and lets so much out at the same time, he talks to me, and…. he hugged me. I'm embarrassed and giddy and calm and worried all at the same time, I think my head will explode. All it took was a bit of physical contact and bam, I'm smiling like an idiot and my mom's asking me if I'm high.

I really like Mello, and that may prove to be an issue. When I realized that, my good mood kind of flew out the window and got hit by a car.

You see, Lucas and John aren't going to back off, and Mello's too fucking noble to back down now he's said he's going to the stupid party. God, I wish I wasn't such a spineless shit, then I might actually be able to do something about this. But no, I just have to be pathetic and too stupid to help the only person who I really like around here. I'm too scared of what Yuki said. I'm too scared of being alone.

I've been here for 3 fucking days and I'm already screwing everything up.

"Hey, Matt, just the guy we wanted to see!" John says when him and Lucas wave me over to their table. I go to them like the freaking jerk I am and sit with them.

Yuki's looking at me worriedly, but no one else really seems to notice anything off.

"So, he's going right?" John asked excitedly. I've never hated anyone but myself before, but I think I do now.

"Yeah. Look, uh… what are you going to do to him? I mean, he's not that bad a guy…" I said nervously.

"Oh come on, Matt. Don't punk out on us now! There's only like 2 days until the party!" Lucas said smacking my back.

"Besides, that prick is a bad guy. I'm sorry you have to associate with him, but it is a great opportunity to get back at him." John said heatedly.

"What did he do?" I asked, curiosity finally getting the best of me. I know Mello doesn't want to tell me, but how bad could it be?

"The asshole pushed my brother down a flight of stairs. He broke his arm and He's blind in one eye now, because his head hit the floor so fucking hard. That's what Mello did." John said, practically spitting out Mello's non-name.

I blinked a few times then looked over to Mello's table in shock. Mello, skinny, shy, pretty Mello, had done that to someone?

"The worst part is Jack hadn't even done anything to him. Jack's a great dude, and one day Mello just flipped and now…" Lucas trailed off. "Well, how do you get over something like that? It's permanent."

John was seething by now, telling the story got him really worked up.

I… I just don't believe it. Mello could never do that. At least I don't think he could.

But then…I only met him a few days ago. How well do I know him?

[Lights POV]

"LIGHT! Oh my god I missed you so so so much! I'm so sorry we didn't talk yesterday! Oh my god!" Misa squealed when I sat at the lunch table.

"Be quiet Misa." I said as flatly as possible. When will this girl take the hint?

"That's my Light." She sighed and latched onto my arm while I ate. Apparently never.

"Stop clinging, Misa, it's undignified." Kiyomi's thinly veiled crush on me always does come in handy, Misa grudgingly sits up strait.

Everyone knows they hate each other, but they keep up the pretense of friendship for… well, there really isn't a reason. They just always have, so I guess they always will.

Why do I have so much unwanted attention? It's just fucking lovely that the only person I want considers me a close friend. Maybe even family. Fuck my life. I've got everything except what I want.

Speak of the devil…

L was coming in from the courtyard with one of his chess club friends, Jay I think. Damn, I miss when it was so easy to just walk over and say hey, L, let's go grab some cake and play a game or two. But I'm class president, and I've got a reputation to uphold. Fucking high school, I can't wait until it's over and we have a whole glorious summer of just being… us.

Everything would be so much easier without Misa. She's the one who set it all up, you know. I knew Linda liked Mikami, I thought I was helping when I told him to ask her out. But then Miss Amane decided to fuck with the "chess freaks" and blackmailed Mikami into standing her up. Naturally, L's friends all thought I did it, and they still don't trust me. L's the only one who believed me when I told him what actually happened.

L's good like that.

Actually, L's just plain good. At everything. Well, everything except socializing, but I'm good enough at that for the two of us.

Or I could be, if he'd let me.

[L's POV]

"Why don't you just go and talk to him, L? He's your friend, we'll understand." Jay asked on our way inside.

"That's not the point, Jay. Even if he understands, even if he feels the same, it would never work." I said morosely.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because, liking someone, even loving them, isn't a magic fix for everything. We'd fight. A lot. We'd end up hating each other, and I can't let that happen."

He looked at me with a weird expression.

"L, you may be a genius, but you are not a fortune teller. If you never take a chance on something, you'll never know for sure. You're always talking about gaining knowledge, how could you leave such an important question unanswered?"

That stopped me in my tracks. Is it true? Am I really letting go of this chance because I'm scared of the answers? I have never once been scared of learning. Never. But I am scared of losing. Really scared. So what is it? Am I learning or losing?

"…thank you, Jay. Please tell Mr. Hinckley that I won't be coming to class today. It seems I have things to reconsider."