Eternal thanks to WriteOnTime for her endless patience with my tragic lack of commas.
You knew the hard part was yet to come…
Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.
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Bella
It was the pounding I heard first, muffled and far away. I heard it- it woke me up, but it didn't seem to have anything to do with me, so I didn't open my eyes and I tried to sink back into oblivion. I wanted sleep, because if I woke up, I would have to acknowledge that I was waking up next to Edward…naked Edward. And right now, I just wanted to go on enjoying sleeping next to naked Edward. The time would come soon enough when I would have to wake up and face it, along with the avalanche of confusing and terrifying emotions that would come with it, and I didn't want to. So I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying my damnedest to find my way back into the oblivion of sleep for a little while longer.
The pounding stopped for a moment, but then it resumed, louder, sharper, closer. Now it was on Edward's door.
He groaned underneath me and I felt the vibration all through his chest. It brought back a flood of sense memories from last night; sounds, touches, feelings. I felt panic bubbling up in my throat, but I squashed it down. Not yet. The pounding continued. Edward exhaled heavily. I felt him shift out from underneath me, carefully settling me back on the bed before he slipped away. I swear, I felt his hand skim gently down my hair.
It must be somebody knocking at the wrong room, a drunk wedding guest maybe. Everyone drank so much last night…or was it still tonight? Maybe they were lost or confused. I heard Edward fumbling around in the semi-dark room, pulling on his pants, I guessed. There was no way I could hope to retreat back into sleep now. Once he got rid of this wayward drunk and came back to the bed, I'd have to talk to him, face him and what came next.
I shifted a little, curling onto my side. I was sore between my legs. Damn. Don't think about it yet.
I heard Edward mutter as the pounding continued, a string of half-intelligible obscenities. He opened the door and there was silence. Then I heard a voice that stopped my heart cold. Colonel Brandon.
"Edward…"
"Sir?" Edward's voice was raspy, but polite. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry if this is…it's just that I noticed last night… so I wondered if maybe…" Colonel Brandon trailed off for a moment, "I'm looking for Bella. She's not in her room and I'm supposed to drive her to the airport. Is she…Ah, geez, I'm sorry, Edward, this is terribly embarrassing for you."
"She's here," Edward's voice was flat, emotionless. I flinched, willing myself to disappear into the covers. There was a long, pregnant silence.
"The hotel computer went down last night, the wakeup calls didn't go out this morning…."
My eyes flew open and I saw the readout on the bedside alarm clock. 8:45.
"Fuck!" I suddenly found my voice in the worst way imaginable as I bolted upright in bed. I was about to fling myself out from underneath the covers before I remembered that I was completely naked. Edward had turned back to me and I could see Colonel Brandon's shocked face over his shoulder. Jesus Christ, just kill me now. I'd never survive this. My breathing got shallow and rapid. Must not hyperventilate. Think about this later… this horrible, mortifying, miserable moment. Right now, just concentrate on getting the hell out of here.
"I'll just give her a minute. Tell Bella I'll be in the lobby," I heard Colonel Brandon muttering, and the door clicked shut.
As I scrambled out of bed, I wrenched the sheet free and wrapped it around myself.
"Ohfuckohfuckohfuck…"
I stumbled around the room, trying to locate my clothes, any of my clothes. I found my dress in a pile by the desk, but as I retrieved it I remembered the broken straps. Pointless to try to get that back on. I was going to have to beat a retreat in this sheet. Thank God my room was next door. Well, if I was going to do this wrapped in a sheet, then my bra and underwear weren't going to do much good. I opted to just leave them on the floor. I'd never be able to wear them again after last night anyway. Ditto the shoes; I'd kicked them across the room. It would take me longer to find them than they were worth. I did find my key card on the floor where I'd dropped it, and I snatched it up.
"I have to go. Oh fuck." I was sprinting for the door, desperate to get this over with, get some clothes back on, get the hell out of this hotel. Don't think, don't think, don't think.
"Bella…" Edward stood unmoving in the middle of the room the whole time I'd frantically raced around him, and now he took a step in my direction.
"I have to go."
I moved to brush past him, towards the door, but his arm shot out, hooking around my waist, spinning me to face him. His other hand came up to the back of my head, and he brought his mouth down hard on mine. An involuntary moan escaped my throat, and for a second I just wanted to drop the sheet and wrap my arms around him and never let go. Before I had to make that choice, though, he released me, pressing one last kiss against my forehead.
"Go," he murmured. "Be safe."
I didn't let myself meet his eyes. I couldn't. Because my heart would absolutely break and I couldn't, not here, not now…I just needed to go. I could think about all of this later.
I said nothing, I just twisted out of his grip and raced for the door. I didn't look back. There was no way I could look at his face as I left.
Our doors were right next to each other, so although I had to make an appearance in the hall wrapped in a sheet, it was only for a second. Then I was back in my room, with the door locked behind me.
I dropped the sheet and bolted for my suitcase, pulling on my jeans, sweater and boots from yesterday, fumbling and cursing the whole time. I made a whirlwind pass through the room, scooping up anything left out, shoving it in untidy piles into the suitcase. In the bathroom I essentially scraped my arm across the counter, swiping all my toiletries into my bag. In a matter of minutes I'd cleared the room and was dragging my suitcase to the elevator.
Once inside, I closed my eyes and tried to just concentrate on breathing. Don't think, don't think, don't think. Don't think about Edward back in that room, don't think about Colonel Brandon waiting in the lobby, and no matter what, don't think about Jay. Just don't think. I made the mistake of opening my eyes, and I saw myself reflected back in the polished brass panels of the elevator. My hair was a ratted mess around my shoulders, the remnants of my eye makeup was smudged under my eyes, my sweater was crooked, half of my shoulder exposed. I looked like some slut making her walk of shame, which was exactly what I was, I supposed. Hastily scraping my hair back, I fastened it with a hair tie I fished out of my bag. It helped marginally. I was just swiping my fingers under my eyes to clean up the makeup as the elevator opened into the lobby.
Colonel Brandon stood near one of the columns, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. I couldn't meet his eyes.
"Let's get a move on, Bellarina," he muttered. "If traffic isn't too bad, you should still make your flight."
I mumbled something incomprehensible, willing the ground to open up and swallow me whole. When it didn't, I had no other choice but to let him take my suitcase from me and follow him out to the car that was waiting at the curb.
We were completely silent for the first fifteen minutes of the drive. I just curled into myself, miserable at the thought that I had permanently ruined my relationship with Alice's father, the closest thing to a parent that I still had. I couldn't even let myself think about last night, about what had happened. I had to just push that aside until I got out of Chicago. When I heard him tentatively clear his throat, I cringed inwardly.
"So last night…."
"I wasn't myself," I said quickly. "I don't know what I was thinking. I had a little too much to drink and I just..." I was practically hyperventilating, I was breathing so hard.
Colonel Brandon held up a hand to stop me.
"You're a grown woman, Bella. You don't owe me any explanations."
"But..."
"I'm going to pretend that I didn't see anything out of the ordinary this morning."
I couldn't respond, all I could do was stare at him, eyes wide.
"That means I won't say anything to Alice or anyone else."
Finally I choked out an answer. "Thank you."
He nodded tightly.
We lapsed into silence for the rest of the ride. What was there to say, really? Small talk was impossible in the face of the elephant currently sitting between us. He finally pulled up at the curb at Departures and hopped out of the car to get my suitcase. I slid out of my seat after him. We stood awkwardly for just a moment on the curb before I impulsively threw my arms around his neck.
"Thank you," I muttered into his neck.
"We love you, baby," he whispered gruffly, folding me into his firm embrace. "You should…just… take care of yourself, okay?"
I couldn't respond as my throat closed up with tears. I nodded my head weakly before backing away, dragging my suitcase with me. The Colonel just stood on the curb next to the car and watched me walk away.
After that, just making it through security and to my flight on time consumed all my attention and energy. It was close. I had to race through the concourse, my carry-on bag bumping brutally against my hip. I made it with just minutes to spare, collapsing into my seat in a heaving, sweaty heap. Closing my eyes, I just focused on the noises of the plane and the flight attendant's announcements. Minutes later, the plane pushed back from the terminal and taxied out. I couldn't think about it yet, I couldn't think about him. It was too much, too soon. So I just listened to the sounds of the plane's machinery and blocked out everything else.
Half an hour later we were at cruising altitude, bound for Seattle, and the "fasten seatbelt" light dinged off. I bolted up out of my seat, towards the bathroom. Once inside, I threw the latch and leaned forward onto the edge of the tiny sink. I glanced up at the mirror and there was my guilty, haggard face once again. Raising my hand, I pulled my hair tie free, intending to brush out the mess and put it back again in better shape. As my hair tumbled free, I was hit with the smell of Edward, his aftershave, his skin, still clinging to me. Without warning, a sob wrenched its way up out of my throat. My eyes filled with tears, and in moments I'd collapsed down onto the floor of the tiny bathroom, my body wracked with sobs, one arm wrapped tight around me, the other hand fisted against my mouth to stifle the sounds I was making.
What had I done? And what the hell was I supposed to do next? This morass of complicated emotions was exactly what I had been trying so hard to avoid. Now in addition to the mess I had to face with Jay, there was the mess with Edward to deal with, too.
Edward.
Just his name in my head made my breathing stall in my chest. I closed my eyes, remembering his beautiful face as I backed away from him in his hotel room this morning. Remembering his face made me begin to remember everything else; his hands, his body, his body on mine, and my nerves came alive in spite of myself. Christ, here I was, huddled on the filthy floor of an airplane bathroom, still smelling of Edward and sex, sobbing my eyes out at my reckless, unfaithful behavior, and one thought about this man had me wildly aroused. I felt sick to my stomach at myself.
I had to pull it together. This plane would land in a couple of hours, and Jay would be waiting for me at the other end. He didn't deserve this from me. I needed to extricate myself from our relationship, that much was absolutely clear, now more so than ever, but I couldn't hurt him. He'd always been there for me; he deserved respect and fair treatment in this. He didn't deserve my wretched betrayal. I'd slipped up, but the least I could do was keep that from him, and make sure he never found out about it. When we split, it would be because of our incompatibility, not because of my infidelity.
What I was going to do about Edward was infinitely more complicated, and I couldn't come to any conclusions about that. He said he wanted more, but what did that even mean? He lived three thousand miles away from me, and I barely knew him. The connection I felt to him was undeniable, but I couldn't fathom how anything could grow out of this impossible situation. And there was still the unresolved issue of the other man I lived with. I groaned, determined to pull myself together, at least for the next little bit.
I stood up and splashed water on my face, wiping away the smeared makeup. Fishing my toothbrush out of my bag, I quickly brushed my teeth. I smoothed my slightly damp hands over my hair and brushed it out, slicking it back into a ponytail. When I finished, I looked almost normal. At least I could face Jay without worrying about the sex showing all over my face. Now if I could just purge it from my head as easily. Except that I didn't really want to purge it. As wrong as it was, I wanted to cling to every moment of last night for as long as I lived. More guilt.
My emotional breakdown coupled with my sleep-deprived night caught up to me once I was back in my seat, and I passed out cold, only waking up when the plane touched down. I was grateful for it. The less time I had to think about it, to dwell on it, the better. Because of the time difference, it was still early in Seattle, and it was Sunday, so the airport was quiet and uncrowded. I retrieved my suitcase and was in a cab speeding along the empty highway back towards my house and real life before I knew it. The sky overhead was grey, the air was wet and cold. Everything felt heavy, oppressive and suffocating. It matched my mood perfectly.
My phone vibrated in my bag next to me. I couldn't imagine who would be trying to reach me at this hour. When I fished it out and looked at the screen, my stomach plunged to my feet.
Did you make your flight?- Edward
My heart rate skyrocketed seeing his name glowing on my phone. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Here it was. I had to start dealing with the mess I'd made. On the one hand, I wanted to hide, to forget that anything out of the ordinary had happened. Facing Jay in a few minutes would certainly be easier if I hadn't just been in contact with Edward. On the other, I was desperate for Edward. I missed him already. I wanted to still feel connected to him in any way I could.
I stopped thinking about it, I just started typing.
Made the flight, just barely.- Bella
I had just closed my eyes and tipped my head back on the seat when my phone vibrated again.
Are you home already?- E
Almost- B
I won't bother you there. We'll talk later. Take care- E
Tears welled up and choked my throat as I stuffed my phone back in my bag. He was taking care not to contact me when I was home because I'd be with Jay. I felt nearly nauseous with guilt. The situation threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I needed to plow through it and start fixing things. I couldn't sneak around like this. I was just a few hours into the lying and deceit, and already I couldn't live with myself.
The cab pulled up in front of my house. I was out of time to think about this anymore, I needed to face it. On autopilot, I dragged my suitcase up the walk, fished my keys out, and let myself in. Once inside, I took a moment to steel myself, leaning against the door and breathing deeply. The familiar feel and smell of our house made me shake with anxiety, even though the silence permeating everything made me think Jay was still asleep. This place was oppressive. I felt like I could hardly breathe. I hadn't really planned my exit strategy, but the second I stepped foot inside, I knew it had to be as soon as possible, maybe even today. I couldn't stay here anymore. I'd go out of my mind, especially if I maintained any contact with Edward.
Looking around, I noticed that the house was a mess. There were empty beer bottles all over the living room, and a glance towards the kitchen to my left told me it wasn't much better. Pizza boxes were stacked on the stove. A discarded t-shirt was draped across the back of the couch, and a pair of dirty socks lay on the floor in front of it. I snorted in disgust. I was gone for four days; he really couldn't keep it together better than this for four days?
Instead of trying to tamp down my irritation like I usually would for the sake of avoiding an argument, I let it swell inside me. Maybe if I was mad at him, it would be easier to do what I needed to do. Maybe we'd get into a heated blow-up and I could just storm out; no tears, no recriminations, no chance of a shameful confession.
I headed back to the bedroom to wake him up and let him know I was home. The bedroom looked as bad as the rest of the house. Beer bottles littered the nightstand and the floor next to the bed. There were so many. Had he been drinking non-stop the entire time I was gone? The room was heavy with the sour smell of stale beer in an airless space.
Jay was sprawled across the bed on his stomach, arms spread wide, taking up the whole thing. He was shirtless, the sheet tangled around his hips and legs. Once again I was struck by his good-looks, the fine lines of the muscles of his back and arms, his dark blonde tousled hair, the shadow of stubble across his jawline; and I was struck by how little his looks affected me now. It was like I was looking at a stranger. I wanted to turn around and run away, but that was impossible. I had to face this and face him, head on.
I sat down gently on the edge of the bed and touched his shoulder. No response. I shook him a little. Still nothing.
"Jay, I'm home. Wake up."
He groaned and rolled his face further into his pillow.
"Jay?"
Another groan and he rolled back to look at me out of one bloodshot eye.
"Bells?"
"Hey. I just got home. Are you okay?" I asked, because now that I got a good look at him, I could see that he wasn't. He looked haggard and worn-out. Another stab of guilt. What if he'd been sick all weekend, and I'd been too much of a coward to even answer his calls? Too busy fucking someone else to even call him. Stop. I can't think about that while I'm here with him. I'll never make it if I do.
"Bella," he groaned, rolling onto his side and reaching his arms around me. He shifted a little and dropped his head onto my lap. I reached up a tentative hand, hovering over his head for a minute before I made myself touch him, stroking his hair half-heartedly. "Oh, God, Bells. Everything is just shit. It's all over."
"What are you talking about? What happened?"
"I got laid off. On Friday."
My heart stalled in my chest. I knew it was coming, but still, now that it had, I felt stunned.
And trapped.
How could I break up with him now on the heels of this? I couldn't. That was the answer. I was fucking trapped. I'd have to stick it out at least until he'd gotten through the worst of this. My throat closed up and I felt like I was choking, like I couldn't breathe, but I forced myself to keep stroking his hair, his shoulder, so he wouldn't sense my panic or see the horror on my face.
"Oh, Jay. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you call me?"
"I fucking tried. You didn't call me back. Where were you, Bells?"
Guilt and self-loathing twisted in my stomach, making me feel physically sick.
"I'm sorry, Jay. I lost my charger," the lie slid easily from my lips. This must be how it starts, with one little lie that leads to another and another. "I just found it this morning when I was packing to come home."
He made some muffled, non-committal sound and I think he believed me.
"It's not exactly a surprise though, is it? We've been sort of expecting this for a while, right?"
He reared back then to look at me, his eyes unnaturally bright and fierce. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"The cutbacks, the layoffs," I said, confused. "They've been letting a lot of people go. It seemed like it was just a matter of time."
Jay shook his head fiercely. "No. This was all Eleazar. That bastard has been out to get me from the start. He was always trying to fuck me over. And now he's turned management against me, I fucking know it! Telling lies about me and…."
"Jay, come on. I'm sure you're just…."
"I know it!" he snapped.
"Okay, okay. Just calm down, Jay," I said, holding up my hands to placate him, not sure where all this anger at Eleazar was coming from. It was just a crappy situation that we'd seen coming for months. Well, I had, anyway.
Then he groaned and buried his face in my lap again, tightening his arms around my hips like a vise. "It doesn't matter. It will be okay, won't it Bells? We'll be okay, right? Tell me it will be okay. It'll still be you and me and we'll be okay." He was breathing in ragged gulps, barely holding back his emotion. I'd never seen him so undone, so vulnerable.
My face twisted and I was glad he couldn't see me. I had to do this. I had to lie and help him through this at least for right now. I had to tell him whatever he needed to hear.
"S-sure it will. You'll be fine. We'll be fine. Everything's going to be okay, you'll see."
He drew in a long stuttering gasp, his eyes still squeezed shut.
I tried to shift away a little, to extricate myself from his grasp.
"Hey, Jay, I overslept this morning and I didn't have time for a shower, so I'm just going to go…"
"No, please. Please, Bells, just stay here. Please."
He gripped me tighter, tugging me down to lay next to him. I lowered myself slowly, letting him wrap himself around me and rest his head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders lightly, trying to make every move comforting and easy.
"Okay. It's alright, Jay. I'm right here."
"Don't leave, Bells. Please, don't leave me," his voice was just a muffled rasp against my sweater.
I nearly choked on the tears that suddenly welled up in my eyes. They spilled out, making hot streaks across my temples and into my hair. I swallowed painfully against the constriction in my throat as panic and desperation flooded me. More than I'd ever wanted anything, I wanted to bolt out of the bed, out of this house, and never look back. And it was the one thing I absolutely could not do. Every minute I stayed here with him made me feel dirty and wretched, and yet I couldn't get away. I couldn't escape Jay, and I couldn't escape myself.
Instead of settling down, he seemed overcome by his anxiety. His breathing sped up, becoming harsh and uneven, as tiny whimpers broke from his throat. I stroked his hair, willing him to calm down, wishing that he'd fall back asleep and let me go. He didn't. He just clung to me in desperation.
"I'm right here, Jay," I whispered against the top of his head as I rocked him, trying to calm him. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
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A/N: In case you're interested, this week I was obsessed with Legendary, by WhatsMyNomdePlume. Read it!