Hey, guys! So this is officially a new chapter and I'm actually kinda proud of this one! This is the start of the end though so after this there's gonna be somewhere from 3-5 more chapters and then the story is officially concluded! Yay, I finally have an end in sight! Yay! So because there isn't much left anymore the chapters are only going to be one a week.
Oh, I would also like to give my apologies for any mistakes in the timeline if I happen to miss any. In case there is any confusion the timeline goes like this:
Kurt and Puck get together one month before the end of sophomore year, most of their relationship takes place over the summer making it easier to hide from their friends, three months into their junior year is their six month and they break up, another month and a half goes by when Puck gets sent to juvie, he's in juvie for about another month then comes back, he's back for two weeks when Mr. Schue announces the regrets assignment, the next day Kurt performs/gets kiss-raped by Karofsky/Puck makes a plan all that, finally this chapter takes place three days later.
Hope that clears up any confusion on timeline there might have been or might still be. Sorry if I messed anything up anywhere I didn't really write the timeline down for myself anywhere so it got a little confusing a couple times.
But without further ado, Chapter 5! Yay!
Kurt stood in the girl's bathrooms nearest to the cafeteria just starring at his reflection in the mirror. He was a little apprehensive about going to the cafeteria today, and surprisingly enough it wasn't because of what had happened with Karofsky three days ago. Though he didn't know how exactly, he knew Coach Sylvester would keep the jock away from him. So no Karofsky wasn't the reason his stomach was tied in knots and he found himself paying more attention to his surroundings. His apprehension today wasn't because of any bully; it was the result of one Noah Puckerman.
Kurt knew he had managed to escape without the mohawked teen confronting him in the three days since he sang his song, but he didn't know how lucky he would be in lunch. He had managed to avoid the man so far but in the two classes they shared together and any time they were in the same hallway Kurt had noticed Puck starring at him with these strange looks. He could even swear that for the full two hours of classes Puck's eyes had not moved from his person a single time.
As they both sat at the glee table during lunch, Kurt knew if he went in there he wouldn't be able to escape some kind of encounter with Puck and that made him really nervous. When Puck had shut him out then broken up with him after Kurt had said 'I love you', it nearly broke the smaller male. Seeing him every day at school and glee didn't help him to heal any faster. When Puck got sent to juvie Kurt thought things would be easier, and for a while it was, but after about a week he started to miss the presence of the man. Their group sound seemed off balance without his deep, warm baritone adding that richness to their sound. Conversations and hang-outs didn't have as much humor or fun involved without his crude and somewhat inappropriate antics. Even the air didn't seem as breathable without his slightly sweaty, kinda homey, but still all around male scent. He missed the man, and that part of himself that kept missing the mohawked teen was exactly what kept fueling the hurt.
It was pathetic. Kurt had berated and yelled at himself for missing the man that had taken his heart and tore it to pieces every night. When he and Puck had broken up he swore he would never let himself give his heart to another person so easily and so willingly again, and he guessed that was easy to do seeing as despite his multiple attempts to get it back, Puck still owned his heart. Which was why he stood in the bathroom so pathetically hiding during lunch. And damn it all if he couldn't find it in him to care that that was exactly what he was doing; hiding. His dad would be so ashamed to see him running like this. "Hummel's don't get pushed around," he would say. Damn it, his dad was right. He was a Hummel and it didn't matter what Puck did anymore. He had given his all to the other male just to be thrown away. He was going to walk in that lunch room and…."Hummel, are you hiding in here?" Well never mind that plan. The door hit the wall with a loud bang then clicked shut behind Santana as she made her way over to where Kurt was standing.
"What the hell are you doing in here hiding from, Puckerman? You really gonna let that ass walk all over you even more. He already broke you cause he was too much of a pansy to own up to you, now you're gonna let him control if you can eat lunch in the cafeteria or not? Thought you were supposed to be one of the top diva bitches, Lady Hummel?"
"How the hell do you….You know what I probably don't want to know how you know. Actually, no I do want to. So how do you know about me and Puck? Did he tell you all about how much of a fool he played me for and the two of you laugh about it before he fucked you like a cheap whore? Or maybe he fucked you then you laughed after about how much of a sap he played me for taking my virginity?" Kurt knew he was being harsh to the Latina girl. Knew he had crossed a line when he saw her shocked and hurt face after he called her a cheap whore. But at this point he couldn't care. Somehow Santana knew about the two of them and it made it easier for him to believe the reason was Puck being the asshole he had been before.
Santana fought back every instinct in her body screaming to lash out at Hummel with every vicious and nasty thought she had plus a few cat scratches for good measure. She knew why he was lashing out at her. He wasn't really mad at her and she knew that. She had done the same thing to many people, had done the same thing to Brittany. So, instead she took a deep calming breath and slapped him hard. "Listen here, Porcelain. I'm only here because I thought I'd try to be nice and be a friend to you when you obviously needed one. Seeing as how I'm the only one of your so called friends that has even noticed something is wrong, much less what, I'd suggest you take a second to calm yourself down and quit lashing out at me before I change my mind and leave you here alone again." Kurt held his cheek where it was stinging with the pink stain of her slap, and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Almost as if her words were the last drops of rain needed to break down the dam that was his stability, he slowly fell against her as he broke down. Santana quickly wrapped one arm around his shoulders and the other around his waist as she gently lowered them to the ground where she could better cradle him in her arms. She rubbed his back soothingly and whispered calming words through every broken sob, choked insecurity, and muttered utterance of heartbreak.
"I don't know what to do, Santana. He hurt me so much, and I want to hate him but I just can't. Every time I try to get mad at him for something my brain finds a way to talk me out of the anger and hate," Kurt choked out through his sobs. Santana gave him a sad, knowing smile.
"It's because you love him. You used to hate him when he was your bully but you got to know the real him, and opened yourself up to loving him so now you can't go back." Kurt's sobs finally ceased and he breathed shakily through the last few hiccups. He unwillingly pulled away from Santana's warm and comforting embrace to wipe at his face with his sleeve, it's not like he had managed to dress himself in any kind of super fashionable clothing today anyways, and looked up at her.
"I'm sorry for what I said before. You don't deserve any of that. Thanks for literally slapping some sense in me." He gave her a watery smile and she laughed lightly with a small nod. "How do you know about me and Puck anyways?"
"Your song the other day honestly. I mean I already knew Puckerman wasn't as straight as he played himself up to be cause I'd caught him checking out a couple guys, mainly you. Then, I guess it was sometime after you two started dating, I caught him watching you the same…."Santana hesitated here, so Kurt took her hand in his comfortingly and gave her a reassuring smile which she returned. "He would watch you with the same longing I always feel watching Brittany. It wasn't hard to figure out he was in love with you. I would catch you sometimes too sneaking glances and smiles at him, laughing when he did or said something more than you used to, the two of you would linger in the choir room sometimes when you wanted to be alone together or leave together without anyone noticing. You obviously loved him back. One day it confused me cause it just stopped. It was almost like the air between the two of you was thicker and there was a resistance to not look at the other and not wait around, or smile, or laugh. Then I saw him over-flirting with some random blonde cheerio. I was kinda confused for a while, but you're song this week explained it all. You guys dated, you loved him and he loved you, but then he did something stupid like he always does and broke your heart. I'm honestly shocked I'm the only one who's figured it out. You two aren't real subtle." Kurt laughed outright at that which got Santana laughing with him.
"No, I guess we really weren't. We tried to be though. At least he had the sense not to walk or sit right next to me. He almost did the first week and I had to give him looks about it since there were other people in the choir room, then yell at him every night for a week before he finally stopped." The two laughed some more. When the laughter finally died, however, Kurt remembered why they were in there to begin with. "You're wrong though. He never loved me. Not the way I loved, hell the way I still love, him. He's made that obvious enough. You said yourself you saw him flirting with some cheerio after we broke up." Santana scoffed making Kurt narrow his eyes at her. "What? He didn't. Or at least if he did he's over it now."
Santana looked at him with the most sympathetic expression Kurt had ever seen on the fiery Latina's face. "Oh sweet, blind Porcelain. Puck loved you. He still does." It was Kurt's time to scoff at her now and she gave a placating smile back. "Fine, tell me how it happened." She explained more when Kurt just starred at her blankly. "What happened the day he broke up with you. Why and how did he break up with you?" Kurt starred a hole in the ground without really seeing anything through the fresh teardrops pooling in his eyelids and his fingers deftly played with the hem of his sweater.
"We….it was our six month anniversary date. He knew how much I loved the Corpse Bride but my copy had been lost, and he had never seen the movie at all. He bought me a new copy of the movie and got my favorite popcorn and candy mix for us to watch it together. We…we were just talking about the movie when he gave this beautiful description of the characters and their love for each other then compared them to us and it….it just slipped out. I told him I loved him. I couldn't stop it or control it, but I knew it was true. After I told him…." Kurt had to stop and take some deep breaths here while Santana rubbed his back soothingly or he was going to burst into a sobbing fit again, and he really didn't want his face to be any blotchier than he knew it already was.
"He closed up on me. He tensed up everywhere, his face was like stone, and his eyes got cold. The one thing I thought would never block me from really seeing the truth of how my boyfriend was feeling was his eyes….and they had just suddenly turned icy on me. There wasn't sadness, happiness, or even anger. I think that was honestly what hurt the most, that he could and would block me from reading his eyes. He told me I should leave and wouldn't say anything else until later that night when he texted to tell me he thought it was best if we broke up." Santana sighed and wrapped an arm around Kurt's shoulders as he gave a short deprecating laugh.
"Best for who, San? Cause it certainly wasn't me. He took my heart and tore it pieces, then he locked the pieces away in a vault only he can open the moment he closed himself off to me."
Santana just sat with Kurt silently as she let him calm his emotions. She didn't know what to say, well no that was wrong. She knew what he needed to know, it was how to say it and make him understand that she didn't know how to do.
"Kurt, Puck does love you. Wait a minute, hear me out," she added when Kurt opened his mouth to protest his eyes flashing with annoyance at being reminded yet again. He watched her for a moment looking for any signs that she was messing with him. Finally, he sighed and nodded in acceptance. She smiled thankfully before continuing. "Puck has been my best friend for years. I know how to read him just as well as you do, and I know what I saw in his eyes when he stared at you all those times. He looked at you with longing and love. I don't think he recognized it, or even accepted it as a possibility. But whether he's accepted it, recognized it, or not he's loved you for a while now. It was the same way I look at Brittany, and she used to look at me." The last part was barely a whisper and she had to take a moment before she could continue less she start crying with Kurt. Said male was watching his, "friend? Yes definitely friend", friend with a new found interest and hope from her words. He knew she must be serious if she was being honest with him about her feelings for Brittany. Just her mentioning she had feelings at all put some seriousness in the conversation.
"I know he broke your heart when he broke up with you, but trust me when I tell you he broke his own heart too. Puck hated hurting you; seeing you so hurt because of him nearly broke him. Loving you just scared him. The only other person he's ever loved like he loves you is Quinn, and she practically destroyed him. When you told him you loved him and he had to come face to face with the fact that he loved you too it scared him. Hell, the fact that you can and do love him probably scared him too." Kurt tilted his head to the side in confusion and Santana smiled sadly back. "I don't even think he knows he does it, but Puck puts on this air of being such an ass to push people away from him. After everything that's happened to him with his dad leaving, his mom screaming and blaming him when she was still in a depression and her drunken rage fits before she finally got help, Quinn choosing Finn, and hell even Big-nosed Berry using him to make Finn jealous, Puck doesn't think anyone can ever love him or choose him. Like I said I don't think he recognizes that insecurity or the purposeful pushing, but it's true."
"All the other girls and cougars he used to brag about sleeping around with too. He would brag and make each one sound like some proud conquest but every time it hurt him more. The girls wanted him to get back at their boyfriends and the cougars to get back at their husbands. Or they just wanted him for sex like you." Santana looked down in shame and sadness as she nodded at Kurt's conclusion, her eyes shut tight.
"Yeah, and I'm not proud of it or trying to deny it or make it seem less, but there were times he used me too. It was why I finally broke things off with him. I gave him some bullshit about his credit score that I'm honestly surprised he bought, but it was really cause we weren't good for each other. We work better as friends." Kurt nodded then glared at her playfully.
"You better be just friends with him, Satan. You have a gorgeous, cheerful blonde and he's my…." The playful teasing fell with Kurt's expression and the two looked at each other sadly.
"No, Kurt. I did something even stupider than Puck and hurt Brittany bad. She's Artie's girl now. But Puck is still your man. He still loves you, you just might have to give him a chance to figure out that that's okay and so is your loving him."
"Then why was he flirting with that girl? Why hasn't he tried to talk to me till this week? You can't tell me he hasn't moved on from me now after all of that."
"Kurt, I said he was over-flirting. He wasn't really feeling it or even all there for it. It was a distraction from you. He was just going through the motions cause you were there trying not to look at him or break down in front of everyone. His eyes kept straying over to you." Kurt just stared at her disbelievingly. "As for why he didn't talk to you till he got back from juvie, Puck's not good with serious emotions in general but especially if they are distressing or painful to him. He probably needed time to process everything. His emotional consciousness range is not much larger than a teaspoon. When serious or frightening emotions get brought into play he needs time to figure it all out in his head. Plus in some weird way he was probably punishing himself for hurting you and trying to keep from hurting you more." She paused to let all the information she had just thrown at Kurt sink in before continuing. "He wants you back, Kurt. Just trust me. He does want you back and he will try to get you back. When he does, you should accept." Santana smiled at him, but Kurt continued to just stare, not knowing what to say to all this new information.
When his brain eventually managed to sort through everything, Kurt looked nervously down at the floor. "What if…I can't take him back, San. I'm too scared. What if it happens again? What if we get to some big emotional part of our relationship and he runs scared again? I can't wait for him to figure things out every time, and I cannot go through that pain again." His voice started off as a whisper but grew stronger with the emphasis he was trying to get across. But when he looked up into Santana's pained eyes his voice cracked and was back to being just barely more than a whisper. "I still haven't entirely put myself back together from how broken he left me now and that was four months ago. I don't think I'll be able to survive him breaking me again." Santana thought for a moment before standing and pulling Kurt up with her, a determination in her eyes that made Kurt not want to argue with anything she said.
"Come on, come to lunch and eat something. Sit with me and Britt, she'll actually sit with us if you're there." Santana started to leave the bathroom but Kurt stopped her just as her hand twisted the lock.
"What about what you said? You said Puck wants me back. What if you are right and he tries to get me back somehow? I don't know what to do, Santana. I want to say yes, I miss my boyfriend, but I don't know if I can. I'm scared I won't be able to, but I'm also scared I will say yes in the moment, and end up regretting it later on." Santana turned to face him taking both of his hands in hers and smiled.
"Just trust me? I promise you'll know what to do when the time comes." Kurt rolled his eyes at that cliché answer but smiled thankfully.
"Thanks, Satan. The most cliché response ever. The only thing you forgot is the 'in your heart'." She scoffed and rolled her eyes at him.
"Oh hell no. That's too sappy. What the hell do you think I am? Some gay ass, flowery, love-everyone sap?" The two laughed together and smiled as they finally left the bathroom walking to the cafeteria with their hands still firmly twined together.
When the pair walked into the cafeteria, the first thing they saw was Brittany sitting on the floor next to the glee table eating her lunch alone sadly. Their eyes found each other both with equal expressions of confusion and worry. They quickly walked over and kneeled down next to the usually bubbly blonde.
"Britt? You okay, sweetie?" Her sad blue eyes looked up at Kurt and she tried to smile but it fell short from the small few tears that managed to trickle down her cheeks. "Oh no. Come here, hun. What's wrong?" Kurt wrapped his arms around Brittany and she laid her head on his shoulder as she hugged him back.
"Artie and I broke up. He called me stupid because of mine and Santana's special friendship. I was trying to tell him that I had chosen him, but he just kept telling me Santana was just lying and manipulating me. I told him that she wasn't and he just told me to stop being so stupid." Brittany started crying softly and Kurt hugged her and rocked her through all of it. She managed to get a hold of herself fairly quickly and sat up a little while still leaning on Kurt for comfort. "I can't sit with him now, and I couldn't find my shark or you, and even if I had been able to find Santana I don't know if I could sit alone with her right now anyways, so I didn't know where to sit."
It took every bit of restraint in Santana not to stand up and make a scene by yelling at the wheelchaired boy. Nobody hurt her girl and got away with it. Especially when her girl was trying to do the right thing and was already hurting because of her.
Kurt smiled and gave the blonde a light chuckle. "So you just sat here in the floor till we found you?" She nodded with a small smile. She looked so small and sad that Kurt couldn't help saying, "well that was quite a smart solution." The blonde finally gave a smile that was not quite but almost as bright as her usual normal self.
"You really think so?" Kurt nodded and her smile got just a bit brighter. "Thanks, Dolphin. Come on, let's sit at the end of the table now that you're here." The blonde cheerio went to stand when she finally noticed Santana sitting to the side awkwardly and looking very out of place. "Do you…want to sit with us, Santana?" The Latina looked up surprised and couldn't help smiling back at the small smile on Brittany's face.
"I would love that." So the three stood and sat together at the end of the gleek table that was on the opposite side from Artie, making the most unusual trio and catching the attention of a few people. Not that any of them noticed. Kurt was too busy trying to cheer up Brittany who was too busy listening intently to her Dolphin's funny story, and Santana was sending a discreet text while smiling at seeing Kurt make Brittany happy again.
To: Less Awesome Twin
"Whr hell u Puckerman? I fnd ur boy in rr cryn. calmd him down an got him out here. Wat hell u waitn 4?"
So I hope you guys like it! As always please review! They never fail to make me smile :)