O Mistress Mine
Nine: Doubt
A/N: I am so sorry for the delay. In between some writer's block, a total collapse in confidence and and rewriting this whole chapter (several times) … it took awhile. I apologies if there are mistakes, I wanted to get this published before I go off to Germany (here's hoping they win the bloody World Cup).
A grain of doubt can destroy a mountain of faith.
Killian was up before anyone else. Granted, that was because he hadn't slept. His mind had been ticking and whirring, replaying the memories of Emma flying into Graham's arms, the way she clung to him and the way they were so familiar with each other. Emma had reassured him that there was nothing more than platonic love between them yet Killian still felt that there was something wrong.
He had settled himself in the dining room drinking a hot cocoa with cinnamon (damn Swan and her impeccable taste) when the man in question walked through the doors. He at first looked relieved to find the dining room but upon seeing Killian his face soured.
"The wind might change and you'll be stuck like that," Killian said idly but the man's scowl only deepened. "If you have something to say to be Humbert you might as well say it."
Graham hesitated before sitting opposite Killian, folding his hands in front of him, "You must understand, she is all the family I have. We've spent the last five years living together and-" Killian tried to ignore the sting of jealousy. "-all I've ever wanted is to see her truly happy."
"I am not courting her Humbert, she is free to-"
"I know that. My point is that she deserves better than to be your plaything. She deserves a man that will worship the ground she walks on, supports her and leaves her free to do what she wants," Graham said firmly, "And she can not do that with an oppressive and murderous king controlling her."
Killian clenched his jaw. "I see my reputation precedes me."
"Quite."
"Look, mate," Killian said, feeling as if the world was suddenly upon his shoulders. "I know she deserves better. I respect her more than I've ever respected anyone since the passing of my family. She has been a gift to me and I selfishly cannot let her go."
Graham was silent for a long while, examining the king very carefully. "You are not what I expected, I'll give you that."
Killian nodded, "If you'll excuse me then. I'm in the mood for a walk." Then he pushed himself up, grabbed his hot cocoa and left the hunter to ponder on their conversation whilst Killian's unease deepened.
0o0
Emma was in the library talking happily with Tinkerbell when Graham found them. Upon seeing the familiar 'We need to talk' look upon his face, she quickly said her goodbyes to the fairy before taking Graham to her favourite and most hidden place in the library.
"So," she said, looking out of the window to watch Killian sitting under the tree, "Are you going lecture me about how reckless I'm being or-"
"I'm not an idiot," he interrupted, "I know lecturing would have the opposite effect." She smiled, moving so she could look at him straight in the eyes.
"Then why the sudden visit?"
His expression softened and he took her hand and squeezed it, "I want to make sure you're alright."
"I'm in a castle with all the books, gowns and hot cocoa in the kingdom to my disposal, I think I'm more than alright," she teased.
Graham grinned briefly, for he knew she cared not for riches, but he was not deterred by her jokes. "I'm serious, Emma. You haven't gotten involved with anyone since-"
"I am not 'involved' with Killian," Emma said with the roll of her eyes, "I'm having sex with him, it's hardly a marriage proposal."
He paused for a second, "I'm not that easily fooled."
Emma pushed herself off her seat. "You're here two seconds and you're already making ridiculous assumptions. You're not my father, Graham and I can take care of myself," she snapped before she stalked out of the library.
Immediately regret followed with her sharp words but her pride forbid her from turning back and apologizing, especially when it meant talking about her possible feelings for Killian.
0o0
She had barely known where her legs were carrying her until she collapsed down next to him under the tree he took shelter under.
"Morning, love," Killian chimed, setting down a book from the collection he often kept by the tree to give her his full attention, "I can assume by your irritated expression that Humbert has spoken to you."
She nibbled her lip, "He corned you too, huh?"
"Mhmm," he hummed, "he's quite protective, that one. You might want to get him a leash in case he decides that I am not worthy of making love to you and wishes to have me on the chopping block."
Emma gave a half-hearted smile, "I see he hasn't made friends."
Killian hesitated before he asked, "When was the last time you saw him?"
She paused, "The day before I met you. It was evening and he was off to go hunting. When I awoke Black Knights had set the forest was on fire and I had no choice but to flee. Why do you ask?"
"I'm normally very good at sensing when something is off. Like how you can tell when someone is lying. And something is off with your Graham," he explained.
Her temper flared, "Firstly he is not my Graham but he is my best friend. Which leads to my second point, if anyone would notice that 'something is off' with him it would be me."
"But you're biased, love. You wouldn't want to see that," Killian pressed.
"And you're not?! From the second you saw him you immediately judged him and painted him the colour you saw fit," she snapped.
"Because, Emma," he replied impatiently, "I didn't trust him. Look, if I'm biased towards anything it's making sure you're safe."
"I thought you only cared about yourself," she said, deadpanned.
He shrugged, "I used to."
"And what changed?"
His eyes seemed to change, the colour burning and their heat locking Emma in his gaze. His moved to cup her cheek and he smiled softly. "Someone reminded me how to feel again."
Her breath hitched in her throat and he waited, waited for her to make the first move, waited for her to proclaim the feeling inside her racing heart. But she simply wasn't brave enough. Graham's concerned words seemed to hurricane through her mind, creating a storm of doubt and fear. She tore from his embrace, leaping to her feet and turning her back to him.
"Emma…"
"You know what everyone is saying don't you?" she snapped, folding her arms across her chest, "That we're… Courting each other."
"No need to say it with such disgust, love," he said sourly.
"Stop calling me that," she snarled, "We are allies, not husband and wife."
She heard him stand behind her, his boots crunching over the fallen twigs as he moved towards her. "Would it be so awful if we were, Emma?" His voice shook, but by so little she barely heard it.
Her next words were so fragile they hardly made any sound at all. "I-I can't-" She paused to take a shaky breath. "I take the chance that I'm wrong about you."
"Whoever hurt you in your past, I'm not them," he insisted.
She closed her eyes, keeping the tears that threatened to escape at bay. She inhaled deeply, letting the air relax her and steady her as she found the words to say, in a surprisingly steady voice, "I think we need to take a few steps back."
"Pardon?"
"We've let ourselves get too comfortable with each other," she said, trying to keep her voice level, "We're partners in revenge not… this. We should keep it that way.."
"Emma I-"
"It's only professional, Killian. And a lot less messier when we part ways," she finished, her voice firm.
He was silent for a long moment. Emma could hear her heart beating in her ears. Finally, he spoke.
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes."
Another stretch of silence. "Fine," he finally said, "I was never going to be enough for you anyway." His voice cut through her like an ice cold knife. She tried to cover her wince (even though she had her back to him) as he roughly pushed past her and strode back to the castle.
0o0
Emma knocked on Graham's door. Rocking back and forth on her feet as she listened to him rise from his bed and head towards the door. His foot light as all trained hunters were. The door swung open and mild surprise crossed his face but unlike what she expected he held no hostility in his eyes.
"Graham I-" but before she could get the apology out she was being pulled into his arms for a tight hug. "You were right. I was being reckless-" she said as he guided her into his room.
"Words I never expected to hear-"
"So I talked to him and… and it's entirely professional now."
Graham paused, "Emma that's… Are you sure?"
"He's a spoilt King who is hellbent on getting revenge on Regina. Eliminating the friendship between us and keeping it purely political is the best option."
He took her hand and squeezed it, "You did the right thing. You deserve better."
They soon fell into comfortable chatter, lazing on his bed as the afternoon passed. Emma took great comfort in the familiarity of laughing and joking with him again.
0o0
It was that time of day when the world was slowing down. The air was cool yet it hummed with the energy of the creatures who were yet done with the day. The sun had done its colourful dance and disappeared yet there was light, as if everything was glowing. Inside the castle Emma was getting ready for bed when her door burst open breaking the easy peace. She gave out a small yelp and tried to cover herself but her protective stance soften at the sight of a heavily burdened Killian.
"Wh… What are you doing?" she demanded, her words fumbling.
He said nothing at first, moving to close her door behind him and lean against it. "I've come to change your mind," he answered her.
She raised an eyebrow, her expression disapproving, "Then I suggest you leave."
"Why?" he demanded, suddenly flaring up, "So you can hide again? So you can run like you always do. I thought we were done with this, I thought I'd proven that I cared for you."
A nervous heat was crawling up her neck, "It's late and you're tired. Return to your chambers until your in a better mood or bother someone else."
"You're the only person worth bothering. In fact, you were the first person in years who I actually thought cared about me," he told her, his blue eyes catching hers, imprisoning her in their broken gaze.
"Of course I care," she said softly, "That's why I can't do this with you anymore. I can't stay here forever because one day, after Regina's gone, I'll go back to my home, to protect my people."
"I'd give up my crown to follow you," he said seriously, "I'd leave here and follow you to the end of the world if you wanted me to."
Emotion slammed into her chest. The air from her lungs was stolen and it took several moments for her to regain her words. "But I don't want that," she told him softly.
"Liar," he snarled.
Emma's eyes narrowed and her short temper was getting the better of her already. "That's awfully rich coming from the King who is infamous for his twisted words and false faces," she sneered.
"You're not the only one who's scared, Swan," he snapped, "My last love died in my arms alongside my first-born. Do you think this is easy for me?!"
She inhaled sharply. "I never knew-"
"Not many do," he replied, coolly. "But I believe I've 'bothered' you enough. Goodnight, Swan." Then he was gone before she could even call out his name, slamming the door behind her.
0o0
Screaming. All Emma could hear was screaming. She tried to search for the source but it was all around her and then, with a sick jolt, she realised it was her. She was screaming. A creature rose from the darkness. It was a man. A man clutching her heart, a twisted grin on his face. His features never stood in place, like a ghost trying to get back into his body (unsuccessfully).
Behind the sound of her screams was the loud and frantic pulsing of her heart. She clutched her chest and instead of feeling the strain and power of its beats she felt nothing.
"You can't escape me," Regina's voice echoed through her mind. "I'll have you, my little one. I know all your favourite hiding places."
Then a memory flashed across Emma's eyes. She was five, hiding in her father's closet as Regina searched for her. "Come here my little one," Regina cooed, searching the room as Emma tried to hide her giggles.
"Come join me again, little one. My princess." Were the last words Emma heard before her eyes flashed open, and she lurched up in her bed, screaming. Screaming until her lungs were sore, until Killian and Graham and Mary Margaret and God know how many guards were in her room. Before she knew it Graham was clutching her hand tightly, murmuring reassuring words as Mary Margaret wiped a cool towel across her forehead.
In the buzz of the room Emma heard Killian's voice above all, talking sternly to the royal doctor, asking about the effect of all the events she had been though. Asking if the stress and toll of her loss was effecting her mentally. Asking if there was anything he could do. But she could not hear the doctor's response for he spoke quietly. Killian's eyes turned to meet hers and his hard expression melted. All of her anger seemed to have washed away and all she could see, all she could think when she looked at him was that he was home, he was safe.
Without thinking abut it she shook off Graham and Mary-Margaret, pushed herself off the bed and nearly leapt into his arms. He was quick to embrace her, squeezing her against him, his fingers running through her hair as she murmured into his shoulder, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"It's okay, my love," he assured her, pressing a kiss against her temple, "Just, please, don't scare me like that. When I heard your screams I thought I was losing you too."
"I'm not leaving," she promised. And though the words were simple, they felt like the bravest words she had ever said. For she was giving herself up to him. She was finally letting him in completely and utterly. Wherever that may take her and in whatever state it might leave her… She had finally decided it was worth the risk. Her heart throbbed in her chest, almost painfully, but in that moment she was just glad it was still there.
0o0
"I'm sorry, my Queen. But it seems they have a stronger bond than anticipated."
"You assured me that you could turn them against each other. You know I do not react well to disappointment."
"I'll do better, your highness. I will not fail again."
"See to it that you do. I will not be satisfied until I have his head at my feet and her heart in my hands."
"Yes, your majesty."
Again, sorry for the wait and I hope you enjoyed!