Chapter 10 - Goodbyes
AN: I apologize for the absurdly short chapter. It won't happen again!
0o0o0
Life went on without Daryl for the next week. Merle and Sam noticed a definite change in Emma, but they couldn't blame her. Even though they didn't know about the night Daryl and Emma shared together, they knew something had been brewing between the two for weeks. Sam tried to imagine how he would feel if Amy suddenly left town without telling him. His heart would be broken. Whenever Emma was short with him, when she gave him the cold shoulder for no apparent reason, Sam didn't take offense. He knew Emma was probably hurting over Daryl's sudden disappearance. It wasn't him or Merle that Emma was mad at. It was Daryl.
It was hard for Emma to keep busy as the snow began falling more frequently and for longer periods of time. There was little to do other than to tend to the animals, chop firewood, or shovel snow from around the houses and the barn. Luckily, there was a Christmas tree to decorate. Since there weren't any decorations or ornaments to be found anywhere on the property, Emma spent that week without Daryl making her own. She used her own hair ribbons and sections of string to tie bows onto the branches. She collected pine cones from the woods and painted them with leftover white paint. She hung them with fish hooks and balanced them in between the sturdier branches. By the end of the week, the tree was decorated with all sorts of handmade ornaments.
During that time, Emma knocked out Sam's blue sweater. She would sit up in the loft in the evening and work on it. It was finished by week's end. Emma wrapped it and Merle's box of pipes in paper. She used hair ribbons to tie them up. As Emma was tying up Merle's wrapped box, she caught sight of the present she had gotten for Daryl. It was leaned against the wall. Emma frowned. She couldn't use it herself, nor could Merle or Sam. It was a gift she had specifically purchased for Daryl. Since he had gone, Emma wasn't sure what to do with it. She decided to ignore it for the time being as she finished off her bow.
When Emma picked up her wrapped gifts to take to the tree, she caught sight of the two letters she had received from the reverend. They were sitting next to her lantern. She wasn't sure what possessed her to do so, but Emma picked up the second letter and read through it. She thought of the Grimes'. They would surely have a rotten Christmas without Lori. Emma wondered if baby Judith had gone home to her father and brother, or if the reverend and Amy were still caring for her. The reverend had mentioned that Rick wasn't doing well. Emma wondered suddenly why he felt it necessary to include that piece of information. Did he know about Lori's job offer? Had he been trying to persuade Emma to take the job?
Emma returned the letter to its place and took her presents to Merle's house. Merle and Sam were already in bed. Emma set the gifts under the tree. She didn't leave right away to return to the barn. In fact, Emma had been spending a lot of time at Merle's. She would often sit in silence with Merle and Sam between meals, or remain in the kitchen long after she had cleaned up after supper. Merle suggested that Emma stay at Daryl's house, seeing as how he was gone. Emma refused angrily. The subject wasn't brought up again. Emma didn't want to stay at Daryl's, but it was almost worse being in the barn. The barn was where she had kissed Daryl for the first time. The barn was where Daryl had kissed her. The loft was where they had laid together. If Emma thought too hard about it when she was in the loft, it drove her crazy. The memories couldn't get to her in Merle's living room. She was safe sitting on his sofa.
Emma looked around the room. It was so different than from the first time she had seen it. It was cleaner, yes, but it was also a place where the men felt that they could gather and be together, even if none of them spoke. Emma thought back on those nights she had taught Sam to dance as Merle watched on in amusement, or took part in it if he was feeling goofy. Daryl had stayed away, just like he had gone away after being intimate with Emma. She sighed and threw her head back against the sofa. The realization struck her as she stared up at the ceiling - the Dixon farm no longer made Emma happy. There wasn't enough work for her to do to keep her busy. She knew that there were times when she took her unhappiness out on Merle and Sam, who never called her out on her behavior. Emma just had so much pent up frustration with little work to put it into, so all of that energy fell upon the closest targets.
Emma thought of the second letter up in the loft. When she did, she remembered the way Daryl had kissed her after she read the letter in Merle's kitchen. For a fleeting moment, Emma could feel the way his mouth felt on hers when he kissed her. When Emma forcefully pulled herself out of that moment, she realized that she had pressed her fingers to her lips. She removed her fingers from her mouth as she slowly laid down on her side. Numbly, she reached above her for the quilt folded over the sofa. The quilt fell over her body. Emma closed her eyes and focused on not thinking of anything else other than sleep. It was not easy.
0o0o0
Daryl was sitting at the table whittling down a tree branch as long as his arm when he heard hoofbeats in the snow. Jim was set up in the lean-to out back of the cabin, so Daryl knew it wasn't him. He got up from the table to investigate. From the window, he could see Sam riding up to the cabin on Boss, Merle's horse. Daryl felt uneasy. Either Sam had come to visit Daryl of his own accord, or he was there on business concerning other parties on the farm. As Sam climbed down from Boss and tied his reigns to the hitching post out front, Daryl slowly went to the door. Before opening it, he pulled on his heavy coat.
"Sam." Daryl closed the door behind him.
"Hey, Daryl." Sam greeted Daryl as he finished tying off the reigns.
Daryl met Sam halfway through the snow.
"What brings you up here?" Daryl asked, his hands in his coat pockets. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." Sam replied, scratching the back of his head. "I was kinda hoping we could talk."
Daryl couldn't turn Sam away, even if the little squirt had come up to the cabin to talk about things that weren't his business.
"Come on in." Daryl muttered, motioning for Sam to follow.
Daryl went in ahead of Sam to throw another log on the fire. He took off his coat as Sam entered and shut the door behind him.
"Sit in front of the fire." Daryl said, hanging up his coat by the front door.
Sam did as he was told. He sat down in one of the chairs in front of the fire. He held his hands out closer to the flames, warming them. Daryl boiled water so that he could make coffee for Sam. It was silent while Sam warmed himself by the fire and Daryl made coffee. By the time Daryl was finished, Sam was toasty warm. He had shed his own coat and gloves.
"Here." Daryl forced a mug into Sam's hands before sitting down in the chair beside him.
"Thanks." Sam mumbled, taking a sip of the coffee.
Daryl chuckled when Sam's face twisted up.
"I make it too strong?" Daryl asked, pulling out his pipe.
"Maybe just a little." Sam replied, looking down into the mug. "I'm used to Em..."
Sam stopped when Daryl frowned around his pipe. Sam watched Daryl load up his pipe with tobacco and then strike a match to light it. He waited for Daryl to take a puff before he spoke again.
"Actually, Daryl...she's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about..."
Daryl grunted.
"I don't understand why you left." Sam said slowly, tracing the rim of his mug. "Everything was going so good. We were all getting along. We were all happy. What happened?"
Daryl pulled his pipe out of his mouth. His lips parted as though he was going to reply, but then he took his pipe up again.
"I wanted to be alone is all." Daryl spoke around his pipe.
"You could've been alone on the farm." Sam pointed out. "You have a place of your own. None of us ever bothered you-"
"Really?" Daryl scoffed. "I seem to recall ya'll banging on my door one night when I wouldn't come to supper."
Sam frowned.
"That was months ago."
"Still." Daryl shrugged, leaning back in his chair.
Sam exhaled hard, getting Daryl's attention.
"I think you really hurt Emma by leaving the way you did." Sam said bluntly, lifting his gaze to meet Daryl's eyes.
Daryl pulled his lips into a smirk around his pipe.
"Did she tell you that?"
"She didn't have to." Sam replied, his frown deepening. "She's been so cold and distant ever since I told her you had gone."
Daryl puffed on his pipe.
"I'm not really getting how this is my problem."
Sam furrowed his brow.
"You're so stupid." Sam snapped, sitting forward in his chair.
Daryl lifted an eyebrow in surprise. Sam had never spoken to him or Merle crossly before.
"Is that right?" Daryl asked calmly, pulling his pipe out of his mouth to set down on the table in between him and Sam.
"Emma...Emma is great." Sam's tone was less hostile than before. "She's smart, and strong, and spunky."
"I think that's enough." Daryl told Sam, getting to his feet. "You should be getting back-"
"It's not enough." Sam interrupted Daryl, raising his voice again as he leapt to his feet. "If you don't come back to the farm and apologize to Emma, you're going to let one...one hell of a woman get away."
"Sam, be quiet." Daryl commanded Sam sternly.
"I've always looked up to you, Daryl." Sam continued, ignoring Daryl's command. "Even when people in town sneered at me 'cause they knew where I came from, I was proud to be part of your family...but right now...I'm ashamed of you."
Daryl reacted impulsively, grabbing hold of Sam by his sweater to teach the boy a lesson. Sam didn't flinch. Daryl realized that he was about to throttle the kid he looked at like a younger brother.
"Get out." Daryl growled, throwing Sam backwards.
Sam caught himself as he was hurled a few steps backward. Without another word, he put on his coat and gloves to go. When the door shut behind him, Daryl threw the full mug of coffee violently into the fireplace.
0o0o0
Emma was beginning to worry about Sam when he hadn't returned by sunset. Supper was nearly ready. Merle was already seated at the table, looking through old maps of the mountains his daddy had drawn up.
"He's fine." Merle reassured Emma without looking up from his maps. "Sam's been living in these mountains since he was a little baby. He knows his way around."
"I'm not concerned that he's lost." Emma replied, looking out the window. "I'm worried that he could have gotten hurt and can't get back on his own."
Merle sighed.
"Look, if he ain't back soon, I'll go look for him."
As if on cue, the door opened.
"Sam?" Emma crossed the kitchen just as Sam appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Where in the hell have you been?"
Emma threw her arms around Sam.
"I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry, Emma." Sam murmured, returning her embrace.
After a moment, Emma pulled away from Sam.
"Where were you?" Emma asked, her hands on her hips.
"I...I just went out for a ride to stretch Boss' legs." Sam replied, peeling off his gloves. "He seemed a little restless. It was good for me to get out, too."
Emma wasn't entirely convinced by Sam's answer, but she didn't know if she wanted to hear the truth. She gave Sam a nod before she started to set the table for supper.
"Is it snowing out there?" Merle asked, setting his maps aside.
"Yeah." Sam replied, shrinking out of his coat. "I think we're going to be getting the heavy stuff any day now."
"Mhmm." Merle agreed as Emma set the food down on the table.
Dinner was quiet, except for the sound of forks and knives on plates. It wasn't until halfway through the meal that Emma cleared her throat to speak.
"With both of you here, now, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
"What is it?" Sam asked worriedly, looking up from his plate.
Without missing a beat, Emma answered.
"I'm leaving."
Sam dropped his fork. Merle looked up from his half eaten supper, his forehead wrinkled.
"What do you mean?" Merle asked.
"I've always been honest with you guys, so I'm not going to stop now." Emma shoved her plate away from her. "I've been trying to perk up this past week, but I realized last night that I'm just not happy here anymore."
"Emma-"
"Let me finish." Emma interrupted Sam, holding up her hand. "At the fall gathering, Mrs. Grimes offered me a job. She wanted me to help out around the house and the property when the baby came. I turned her down because I was happy here, working alongside ya'll."
Emma tucked a curl behind her ear.
"This week, I've been thinking more and more about her offer. I think it's because I've known all along these past few days that I couldn't stay here anymore. It's time for me to move on."
"I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but isn't Mrs. Grimes dead?" Merle asked.
"Yes, but she told me at Thanksgiving that the position would still be mine if she were to pass away." Emma explained.
"Is this because of Daryl?" Sam asked suddenly, surprising both Merle and Emma.
"Sam, what has or hasn't happened between Daryl and I isn't your business." Emma told him softly, but sternly.
"I'm sorry, but I just..." Sam seemed to be struggling for the right words.
"It's not going to be easy for me to leave you guys." Emma reassured Sam. "I'm going to miss you both and the good times we've had. I'm going to miss this farm."
"Then, why go?" Sam asked.
"Reverend Horvath said in his letter to me that Rick was doing badly, badly enough that he and Amy are caring for the new baby while he grieves. Rick also has an eleven-year-old son to take care of. Doesn't it sound like they need help?"
Sam didn't answer. He stared down at his plate.
"Well," Merle sighed and leaned back in his chair, "we can't stop you from going, even though it's going to be tough getting down to town in all the snow."
"I was hoping you would be all right if I left my things here." Emma said, shifting her gaze to Merle. "I think I'll have a better chance if I take only what I can fit in Barrow's saddlebags."
"What about Skipper?" Sam mumbled, still looking down at the table.
"We'll keep him, too." Merle answered for Emma.
"Are you sure?" Emma asked.
"Yeah." Merle nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "So, when is you planning on leaving?"
"Tomorrow morning at first light." Emma replied.
Sam scoffed as he shoved his chair back away from the table.
"Sam!" Emma called out after Sam as he stomped out of the room and upstairs.
Emma was about to follow Sam, but his door slammed shut behind him. She decided she should give him some time to think things over and be alone.
0o0o0
The next morning, Emma rose before the sun as she always did, but she felt differently than usual. As she sat up on her little mattress, she felt relieved. She would be leaving the farm. No longer would she be reminded of Daryl, or the things they had shared, or the way he had left the farm without a word. She wouldn't be reminded of the stranger she had become. On the other hand, she would truly miss the farm. More importantly, she would miss Sam and Merle. She still felt badly about Sam's reaction to the news that she was leaving. He hadn't come down from his room after he had run up the stairs and thrown his door shut.
Emma chose practical things to pack in her saddlebags. Everything else was packed away in her trunk. As she got her saddlebags together, Skipper sat on the dirt floor and watched her. Though she would be back for him in a few months, Emma would miss Skipper terribly. When she was finished packing, she crouched down to scratch his ears. Skipper exhaled.
"I'll miss you, boy." Emma murmured, ruffling his fur. "I promise I'll be back in the spring. In the meantime, Sam'll take good care of you."
Emma led Barrow up to Merle's house while Skipper followed loyally. She opened the doors to let the dog inside when Sam poked his head out from the kitchen.
"Morning." Emma greeted Sam as he came out of the kitchen and out onto the porch.
"Good morning." Sam replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Sam-"
"It's all right, Emma." Sam interrupted Emma gently. "I know why you're leaving...and I don't blame you. Honest, I don't."
Sam looked down at the porch and shuffled his feet.
"I'm just going to miss you is all." Sam muttered.
Emma smiled and reached out for Sam. She pulled him to her.
"I'll miss you too, Sam." Emma said, running one of her hands up and down Sam's strawberry blonde mop. "You know what, though? I'll be back to get my things in the spring."
"I know." Sam mumbled into Emma's shoulder.
Emma rubbed Sam's back before she pulled herself away from him.
"You can come and visit me in town whenever you want to." Emma reassured Sam.
"Yeah?" Sam asked, scratching the back of his neck.
"Of course." Emma replied with a nod.
The sun was just starting to creep up from behind the trees. Emma looked to the sunrise, then back to Sam. He looked like he might cry, but he was bravely putting a smile on to try and hide the tears lurking just below the surface. Emma didn't want Sam to cry. A part of her already felt guilty for leaving him behind after she had promised him once before that she wasn't going anywhere. She reached out to touch Sam's cheek.
"Take good care of Skipper for me." Emma requested softly.
"I will." Sam promised, his voice cracking.
Emma pulled her hand away from Sam's face.
"I have to go, now." Emma told him, taking a step back. "Take care, all right?"
Sam nodded.
"Be careful on your way to town, Emma." Sam warned Emma worriedly.
"I will."
Emma descended the steps to where Barrow was waiting patiently. She made sure the saddlebags were secure before she climbed into the saddle. When she looked up, she saw Merle standing on the porch next to Sam. He had one arm around Sam's shoulders. The other was at his waist. When Merle's and Emma's eyes met, Merle raised his hand to her. She returned his wave before she turned Barrow around. With a single click, Barrow was off. Emma looked up at the dogwood trees as she rode past them, remembering her ride in so many months ago. The trees were barren, but they had been full and beautiful when she had arrived at summer's end.
When Emma got to the gate, she tugged on Barrow's reigns to stop him. She got down from his back to open the gate, then led him through. As she returned to the gate to close it, she took one last look at the tall trees hiding the houses and barn in the distance. She remembered saying goodbye to Hershel's farm. It felt a lot like saying goodbye to the Dixon farm. As Emma closed the gate, she tried to remember that it wasn't goodbye forever.
"See you in spring." Emma murmured to herself, latching the gate.
0o0o0
It was a hard ride down from the mountains. The journey took nearly twice as long as it would have had there been no snow to ride through. Luckily for Emma, Barrow didn't panic easily. She never had to leave the saddle to guide him through the places where the snow became deep. Barrow got Emma safely through the snow and down to town by late afternoon, almost early evening. Due to the time, Emma decided against going to the Grimes'. Instead, she rode to the reverend's house. Though it was forward of her, Emma brought Barrow around to the reverend's barn to allow the horse to rest and get warm. There were plenty of empty stalls. When Barrow was situated in the barn, Emma circled the house once more to knock on the front door.
"Emma?" The reverend was visibly surprised to see her, but he recovered quickly. "Come inside, please, you must be freezing."
Emma entered the reverend's house. He immediately led her into the parlor to sit by the fire. She pulled off her gloves to warm her hands as the reverend sat down on one of the sofas.
"What are you doing in town?" The reverend asked from behind Emma.
Emma cleared her throat.
"I got your letter." Emma replied.
"I don't understand."
Emma turned her head to the side.
"I understood what Mrs. Grimes meant." Emma explained quietly. "I came to town to accept her job offer."
"Job offer?" The reverend asked, still confused.
Emma turned her head all the way around.
"Mrs. Grimes offered me a job helping out around the property."
"Oh..." The reverend sat back against the sofa. "I see..."
Emma slowly turned around, her back to the fire.
"How are things with Rick and Carl?" Emma asked, peeling off her coat. "The baby?"
The reverend sighed. He rubbed his nose before folding his arms over his chest.
"Rick isn't doing well at all, Emma..." The reverend answered grimly.
Emma could sense the reverend's hesitancy to divulge information to her.
"Speak frankly, Reverend."
"The man has become a drunk." Reverend Horvath threw his hands out. "I know it has only been a short time since Lori's passing, but Rick has two children to think of. I could understand a moment of weakness, but this is unacceptable behavior."
"What's he been doing?" Emma asked.
"Obviously Shane offered to step up immediately, to take on Rick's duties until he had grieved for his wife and felt well enough to return to work." The reverend sat forward. "Rick has been stumbling through town drunk, causing scenes and picking fights with anyone who tries to talk any sense into him. He took a swing at Shane only yesterday."
"Carl?"
"When we realized how bad Rick's drinking was, we tried to bring Carl here to stay with us." The reverend rubbed his head. "Oh, boy. You should have seen the fuss Rick kicked up about that. He flipped the dining room table in front of the poor kid."
Emma shook her head.
"Amy is putting the baby down for a nap as we speak." Reverend Horvath looked up at the ceiling, then back down at Emma. "She's been doing fine here."
Emma exhaled.
"Sounds like I've got some work to do."
"If it were anyone else, I would ask if they understood what they were getting into." The reverend smiled.
"I hate to ask Reverend, but I was wondering if-"
"I'll have Amy set up Andrea's room for you after the baby goes down." The reverend interrupted, running his hand along the arm of the sofa. "If you feel at all uncomfortable staying at the Grimes', you can stay here."
"Just for tonight will be fine." Emma replied with a nod.
"So," the reverend leaned his face against his knuckles, "how did the boys take it when you told them you were leaving?"
Emma thought of Sam's face.
"Sam was sad to see me go." Emma answered softly, gazing off at a corner of the room. "Merle understood why I was leaving, Sam did too, I think."
"Daryl?" The reverend asked.
Emma could feel her face harden as she looked up at the reverend.
"He was indifferent."
The reverend lifted his head, curious, but he didn't get the chance to address Emma's answer any further. Amy had put baby Judith to sleep. She was surprised and delighted to see Emma, though she burst into tears when Lori was brought up for a moment. After she was comforted by her father and Emma, Amy got Andrea's bedroom ready.
Emma sat down on Andrea's bed while Amy was downstairs preparing supper and the reverend was sitting in his office. She decided to lay down for a minute. Then, she would help Amy with dinner. Before long, Emma had fallen into the deepest sleep she had had for a week. She didn't even wake when Amy came to fetch her for dinner.
"Ghost In This House" - Alison Krauss [Emma on the farm after Daryl has gone]
"Gravity" - Alison Krauss & Union Station [Emma leaves the farm]