I want to apologize for the confusion. Yes I am reposting this story. There may be some minor changes as I do so. I will be combining some Chapters and revising others. I found it easier to just delete all of the past chapters as to not confuse readers. Don't panic I will be posting several chapters per week. Thanks for the reviews. Welcome new readers and welcome back faithful fans. This story was a labor of love for me last year, it saw me through a very dark time in my life. I am still working on my original story of which I am half way, but this story will always be my first. As always happy reading!
Chapter 10 - Dazed and Confused
I walk into the apartment and straight into a make out session in progress on the couch.
"Sorry Kate! Don't mind me I'll be in my room." I apologize trying not to notice that her willing partner looks familiar.
"Wait Ana, I want you to meet Elliot. " Kate responds almost giddy.
"Ana this is Elliot, Elliot Grey."
I reach my hand out. My head is spinning. I know I must have the most horrified look on my face. That is why he looked familiar. He was sitting next to Christian at the club last night. Oh, God please give me an escape before I say something about his brother I might regret. I vaguely hear him say something along the lines of nice to meet you. I give a small smile and quickly excuse myself to my room. Shit, shit, shit! I need to get in the shower and wash away the frightening unknown, but how do I escape without having to converse with the newest member of the Grey family to tumble into my life. I just hope he is nothing like his brother. The thought of Christian being livid with me, then taking advantage of my drunken state. What a hypocrite! He was actually lecturing me about Jose…Oh, god Jose. I need to make sure and contact him today to solidify our friendship. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. He and Kate are the closest things I have to siblings and I cherish them.
I decide that I just have to bite the bullet and head to the bathroom. When I exit the room I notice they are back into their make out session and don't even notice as I slip into the bathroom and lock the door. I have random thoughts swirling in my head. What the hell happened last night? Did I do something I am going to regret for the rest of my life? Is Elliot as much of an ass as his brother? I need to keep an eye out for Kate. I don't want her falling for this Grey character too easily. Kate is stronger than me in a lot of areas (okay most areas), she doesn't take shit from anyone, but when it comes to men she falls too easily. She puts up a good front and talks tough, but her head gets easily distracted by her heart. She reminds me a lot of my mother. Always falling head over heels before the relationship ever gets off the ground. Thank goodness I have been around to keep Kate grounded or she would already have been married by now to God only knows who.
My mom has been married 4 times in my 22 years. I don't really count my dad (so 3) since he died before I was born. I love Ray as my father, but I can't help but wonder if my mom would have stayed committed to my dad if he had not left her and how that would have changed my view on relationships. It isn't that I have never been attracted to anyone or desired to be someone's girlfriend I just found myself too consumed in school and enjoying life to notice if anyone might have an interest. I have always loved to observe human behavior and at a young age (topped with my mom's fickle love life) I realized that girls would devote themselves to one certain boy and give up everything just to have their hearts shattered into a million pieces. I decided a long time ago I was better off waiting.
I stand under the stream of scalding water until is runs cold. I am feeling a little better, but my head is still throbbing and since I have no plans until tomorrow all I want to do is put on some pajamas and lay in bed all day. Exiting the bathroom I run directly into Kate.
"What's going on Ana?" she looks concerned. "Christian called me last night, well actually he called Elliot and asked to speak to me. He said you weren't feeling well and he was going to bring you home. Imagine my surprise when you walk in the front door in the same clothes you were wearing last night. I was so consumed with Elliot (we will definitely be talking about that later) that I thought you were sleeping in your room the entire time."
I know I need to confide in someone or I might actually lose my mind.
"Can we talk in my room? I don't' want Elliot to hear." I follow her into my room and we sit on the bed.
"Elliot stepped outside to take a call so you won't have to worry about him eavesdropping so SPILL!" she demands.
"Oh Kate, I really don't know what happened! One minute I was yelling at that prick and then the next my head was spinning and I was falling. I assume all of the excitement and alcohol got the better of me. I woke up this morning in his bed, wearing his t-shirt with him lying beside me sound asleep." The tears start to flow.
"Oh my God Ana, did you…?" She is in shock.
"I don't know, I can't remember a damn thing." I am terrified and grateful at this realization. If I did lose my virginity in a drunken stupor it is best that I don't recall the details.
Kate looks me straight in the eye, trying to be the voice of reason, "Was there any blood?"
"No, but why would there be blood?" I am confused and then I remember back to middle school sex-ed classes. When you lose your virginity the hymen in broken and it is highly likely that you will have bloody discharge. Thank God!
"Well then you're virtue is still intact! Congratulations! Although, I am a little disappointed in you Ana; you had one of the hottest and definitely most powerful men in bed and all you did was sleep!" She says with a huge smile.
"Shut up Kate! As much as I would love for Christian Grey to have his hands all over my body I would like to be completely sober and at least remember it." I cannot believe I actually said it out loud.
"Well, well! Looks like there is a kink in your armor after all Miss Steele! You have a crush on Mr. Grey!" she looks thrilled.
"I cannot deny that he is HOT, more like the most beautiful man I have ever laid my eyes on. He is just so damn frustrating. One minute he looks at me like I am the most important and beautiful woman on the planet and the next he is yelling at me for no reason. This man is pushing me to the edge of sanity."
"All I can say is, if he is anything like is older brother, you are in for the time of your life." Kate is bragging.
Blushing I definitely don't want details. That is all I need is to have expectations that will never come to fruition especially now that I am sure he is taken. What other explanation would there be for my encounter with "Charlotte"? Pushing it out of my mind I convince Kate that I want to dish about her night, but my head is hurting and I am exhausted. None of it a lie, more than anything I just want to shut my eyes and hope to wake up with this all being a bad dream. Kate leaves and I slip on my earphones dozing off immediately with a mix of my favorite songs playing.
Christian
When I arrive in the parking garage I notice Charlotte's A3 parked in its usual spot. I will miss seeing it there when I get home this Friday night. Thinking back to the recent events I know this is for the best. As good of a sub as she is I cannot allow her closer to me. I care for her well-being, so she will be allowed to keep any gifts that she received over the last 10 months including the A3, however, I will have to avoid contact with her at all costs. Taylor is already in the SUV waiting to drive me to Flynn's office. I am grateful that I won't have to do anything but ride mindlessly in the backseat right now. I am sure after Flynn is done with me I will feel much more like my old self. I HOPE!
On the way to see Flynn I am overwhelmed by the thoughts running through my head. One minute I am mad at myself for scaring the shit out of Charlotte and the next I am grateful that I did end it. I could never love her like she would want me to. Hell, I wouldn't know what love is even if it hit me square in the eyes. Yes it is best that it is over. More than anything I am confused that last night I didn't have any nightmares. In fact, I had the most erotic and wonderful dreams of Anastasia touching me all over and me reciprocating by worshiping her body. What does this mean? No one has EVER been able to touch me and I have never had anything but nightmares about what that bastard did to me when I close my eyes. I have had nights when there is NOTHING just sleep, and I am so grateful for those nights when they come. This was different. Unlike any sleep I have ever experienced. I woke up rested, anticipating seeing Anastasia. I must talk to Flynn about this. It's just a fluke, RIGHT?
"Thanks for seeing me on short notice John." I sit and we begin.
"No problem Christian. I could tell by your voice that something is troubling you."
"I really don't know where to begin."
"The beginning would be helpful." He smirks at me.
I divulge all of the events of the last month. Meeting Anastasia, graduation, running into her in front of GEH, the club, taking her home, her leaving and running into Charlotte; finally I talk about my last interaction with Charlotte. Flynn knows about all of my subs. He is the one person, other than Elena that I have let know all of my secrets. I know he doesn't understand the BDSM lifestyle and wants more for me, but he has never judged this area of my life. That is probably why I have been with him for the last 5 years. Before Flynn I changed therapists about every 6 months.
"Well Christian this is a lot to take in at once." He looks surprised. "Why do you think that you have become so protective of Miss Steele?"
"I have no idea, that is why I am here," I am starting to get irritated. I hate when he plays with my head. I know he has good intentions and I eventually see the purpose, but it nevertheless is so frustrating.
"Let's talk about Charlotte first," He says. "Are you upset that she touched you, that she wants more, or that you can't give her more?"
"I don't know…all of it I guess. I am pissed that she touched me. You know as well as she, touching is my hard limit. I cannot stand it. I am furious that every time I think I have a good thing, life is going smoothly these women decide to go all hearts and flowers on me. I am upset that I am so broken and I just don't ever feel, like I know a normal human being should feel. I know I should want more, but I just don't." I feel better at admitting this for the hundredth time.
"Well that is a start. Do you love Charlotte? You have spent the last 10 months with her meeting your every need."
"No, I don't know? What the hell does love even feel like?" back to square one. "I respect her for sticking to the contract. I care about her well-being, but I can't say that I miss her company during the week. I look forward to coming home on Friday night and her being at Escala, but only because I know she will help me forget the stresses of my week in the playroom. I also look forward to her leaving on Monday morning because I can go back to business with no distractions on my mind." This is why I use subs, I think to myself. There is nothing in me that wants MORE.
"Okay, taking from what you just said I would say that you respect Charlotte, but you definitely don't love her." He explains.
"You're the expert her," I quickly respond
"Let's move on to Anastasia, Miss Steele." He looks directly at me and continues talking. "From what I can gather she is bringing out some emotions in you that you are unsure of."
"You think?" I say sarcastically
"Has she expressed any kind of interest in having a relationship with you?" He says curiously
"We have never had a real conversation other than the time she was interviewing me for the school paper and most of her questions were scripted by Miss Kavanaugh."
As John is speaking I think back to all of my interactions with Anastasia. Each time I am thrilled to see her, I cannot take my eyes off of her and I have the urge to pull her to me and keep her safe.
"Yet you are still drawn to her every time she is in the vicinity?" Is he reading my mind?
"Yes," I say nodding.
"Christian, I don't want to scare you, but I think that Miss Steele is slowly showing you what all of your subs and I know. You are capable of more and surprisingly, you desire more," He's smiling.
"Not possible!" I am willing this to be false.
"This is not going to sink in overnight, hell I have been working on you for 5 years, and this girl has brought out emotions and feelings in a hand full of run-ins. I think that you would be wise to see where this road might take you. I will be here to guide you and I suggest you take it slow. I also think you were wise to cut things off with Charlotte. I don't agree with how you did it, but it is what it is. My suggestion is you let yourself feel whatever emotions rise in the presence of Miss Steele.""
He can't be serious! "How do you suggest I do that?" I would be changing everything I know about myself. I trust Flynn, but I think he has lost his mind. I get up to leave, thanking him again for his time. As I exit I hear him say. "Trust me in this Christian, give it a shot and call me anytime!" he sounds almost giddy. As crazy as I think he is.
My only desire is to see Anastasia and at the very least explain myself for last night. I can't leave her thinking I took advantage. I have no idea where she lives and as much as I want to call Welch, I settle for Elliott. If I know my brother he took Miss Kavanaugh home last night. I get the address, after finding that he is still there. I tell Taylor to step on it. I can't let her think bad of me any longer. On the way, I call Andrea and have her clear my schedule for the day. This is too important to put off.