10.

Alone Again

Cindy sat outside barn 18, watching as her father backed the simple white horse fan up to the entrance, frowning at the still overcast conditions. Faith was standing with Lady, the beautiful chestnut filly arching her neck and pawing at the gravel ground with some anxiety over traveling.

"Whoa," Faith murmured, patting the filly's shoulder as Ian parked the van and jumped out, slamming the door behind him.

"Are we all set here?" Ian asked, taking a look at the filly's shipping boots and blanket. Lady grunted, the blue shipping boots looking comical around her legs as she bowed her head to nip at them.

Cindy smiled and stood up, walking over to take one last look at the champion filly that looked so much like her dam.

"We're all set," Faith reported, putting a hand on Lady's nose as the filly brought her head back up to look around her surroundings again, snorting casually.

"Good," Ian nodded. "Cindy, why don't you help me pull the ramp down on this trailer. Sometimes it sticks a little."

"Sure," Cindy agreed, coming up to the end of the trailer and helping her father lower the ramp, watching from the sidelines as Faith led Lady up into the trailer, the filly's metal shod hooves clattering deeply against the van floor.

"Get her all secure, Faith," Ian called, patting the filly's flank before jumping down to the gravel lot to turn to Cindy.

"And Cindy," Ian smiled, pulling his youngest daughter into a warm embrace. "I'm going to miss you."

Cindy smiled into her father's shoulder and hugged him back. "I'll miss you, too."

"Promise you'll come down to Lexington every now and then," Ian said, not letting her go. "Your mother desperately wants to see you."

"I know, dad," Cindy said, burrowing her face against his fall coat and feeling the upturned fleece of the collar brush her cheek. She was fighting off crying, wishing desperately that she could go with them, and stubbornly refusing at the same time, knowing that she was no longer truly welcome at Whitebrook anymore. Not after the way Ashleigh had looked at her after Joy's death.

Ian pushed Cindy away from her slowly, tipping her chin up so he could see into her face and see her red streaked eyes.

"Oh, Cindy," Ian sighed softly, brushing away a newly forming tear. "You're a strong young woman. There's no reason you can't conquer this."

"I know," Cindy nodded, looking at her father as if she were hypnotized. She could hear the soft scrapes of Lady's hooves against the trailer and the footfalls of Faith as the young girl stopped on the ramp, watching the scene unfold between father and daughter.

"You're going to be a great jockey here," Ian said, looking worried as Cindy almost broke into sobs at his words.

"Cindy," Ian repeated, hugging her to him again. "What's the matter, hon?"

"I'm just going to miss you," Cindy sputtered into his shoulder, trying to control her frantic breathing. "I don't know what I'm going to do here."

"You're going to be fine," Ian said soothingly, smiling. "Everything is going to be fine. You're working for Belmont's best trainer, and there's no way that he's going to let you slip out of his fingers."

Cindy nodded, feeling a new onrush of tears. She didn't want them to go. She wanted to cling to Ian as long as she had to to make herself feel like she had a home again.

"Cindy," Ian said, pulling her away from him to look into her wet eyes. "You are strong, and you've matured beyond my wildest dreams since you left. You can do this. I am so confident in you. I feel that I can leave you here and watch you turn into one of the best jockeys the east coast has to offer. You know that, right?"

Cindy nodded, although she didn't know that.

"Ian?" Faith's tentative voice asked from the trailer.

"Yes, Faith?" Ian asked, looking up at the younger girl.

"Lady's all set," Faith reported. "We can go now."

Ian nodded and looked back at Cindy. "Cindy, you'll be fine."

"I know," Cindy nodded, although she really didn't know. She was far from knowing, and on the inside she only felt like she was breaking. But she had to look strong.

"Please come back home when ever you want," Ian said, urging her. "You're always welcome."

Cindy nodded, knowing she wouldn't come near Whitebrook for a long time, envisioning Ashleigh's broken eyes that quickly set into anger.

"Okay, Faith," Ian said. "Let's close it up."

Cindy helped shut the horse van and lock the doors, giving Faith a hug before watching the young girl jump up into the cab of the van.

"Give everyone my love," Cindy said to Ian, giving him one last hug.

"I will," Ian smiled, breaking the hug and going to the van, jumping up into the cab and shutting door. Seconds later, he rolled down the window, the van roaring to life.

"Good luck, Cin!"

"Thanks," Cindy called over the engine, backing up as the van pulled away from the barn, rumbling down the gravel aisle to disappear behind the next barn. Cindy stood in place for a moment, listening to the crunch of gravel and the engine of the vehicle, feeling cold and alone, before wiping her hands on her jeans and heading back to Lucas' barn.

When Cindy stepped into the warm air of Lucas' main barn, she must have had despair written all over her face. Star Bank was standing in the aisle, his head craned up as far as the cross ties would allow so he could get a good look out of the rectangular windows that lined the wall separating the stalls from the elements. Jack was bent by the gelding's legs, securing shipping boots.

"Hey, Cindy," Jack said without looking up, his focus on getting the boots around Star Bank's legs as the gelding kept moving, successfully frustrating Jack. "Could you help hold him for a minute?"

"Sure," Cindy nodded, her voice hoarse from crying as she took the gelding's head, nearly starting in on a fresh batch of tears, making Jack look up.

"Cindy?"

"Yeah?" Cindy asked, turning her head away, embarrassed of having Jack of all people find out that she had spent the past thirty minutes crying on and off. Her eyes were puffy and she was afraid her nose was going to start running any minute now.

"What's wrong?"

Cindy looked down at Jack, who had stopped attempting to get Star Bank's legs to hold still, and was sitting on the balls of his feet, looking up at her with concerned eyes.

"Nothing," Cindy shook her head. "You should get Star's shipping boots on. He's holding still now."

"No," Jack said, standing up and tossing the shipping boot back by the gelding's stall. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Cindy repeated, shaking her head. "It's nothing."

"Bull shit," Jack said, taking Star Bank's halter and prying Cindy's hand off it to lead her away from the horse, putting his hands on her shoulders. "What's wrong?"

Cindy was silent, looking down at her feet. "It's nothing. It's just stupid, is all."

Jack tipped her chin up, looking at her tear-streaked face as a few fresh drops appeared on her eyelashes, rolling down her cheeks. Without a word he pulled her up to her, wrapping strong arms around her waist to keep her pressed against him. Cindy found her head tucked against Jack's chest, and sniffled again, hearing his steady heartbeat as he talked to her.

"Stupid or not, I want to hear it," Jack said slowly, keeping her limp body supported by his. "Now, what's up?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Cindy muttered into his shirt, breathing heavily as she got her emotions in order again, pulling herself together.

"Sure," Jack chuckled. "Look at yourself, Cin. Tell me."

Cindy sighed, feeling Star Bank's inquisitive nose brushing against her elbow, the gelding watching them with curious eyes.

"It's just that," Cindy sighed, pausing. She didn't see the need in telling Jack everything about her life. He didn't need to know the finer details, and Cindy found herself pausing, considering what she should tell him.

"I just miss my family," Cindy muttered, which was partially the truth.

"They left today?" Jack asked, assuming she meant Ian and Faith.

"Yeah," Cindy nodded against him, sighing, her breathing coming back to normal. "I just don't know what I'm going to do now."

"Well," Jack said softly, and Cindy felt his chin resting on top of her head. "It seems to me that you'll keep doing what you've been doing, Cin."

"Yeah," Cindy muttered again, closing her eyes as she began to relax. "I just don't know where I'm going, and I hate that feeling."

There was more of the truth, and Jack nodded his understanding. "It will all fall together, Cin. You've got Lucas here, and Laura, and Ryan, and Micky, and you've got me. You realize that, right?"

"Do I?" Cindy asked, hardly having considered these people as family. They were co-workers and roommates. They couldn't be family. Not yet.

"Yes," Jack said, pushing her back, the shock of the leaving warmth reviving Cindy. "Now perk up. I need your help with this guy, and to be honest he's been a pain in the ass today."

Cindy nodded, watching Jack closely as he ruffled up her hair affectionately and put her hand back on Star Bank's nose, leaning down to swoop up the shipping boot he had tossed carelessly away a few moments before.

Cindy held Star Bank, stroking the gelding's face as Jack strapped the boots into place. The chocolate gelding shook his bronzed mane and snorted into Cindy's hands as Jack finished up, patting the horse on the flank as he moved to unclip the cross ties, looking at Cindy carefully.

"Where's he going?" Cindy asked, dawning on the fact that shipping boots meant travel.

"Hollywood Park," Jack answered, pulling his eyes from Cindy long enough to clip a lead shank to the gelding's halter, avoiding a playful bite as he wheeled Star Bank around.

"What's at Hollywood Park?" Cindy asked, following Jack out to the gravel aisle between the barns.

"A few nice graded turf races," Jack answered, patting Star Bank's neck as they walked up to the horse van, where a few other horses were being loaded. "Lucas wants to try him in a warmer climate, and God knows I'd like to go with him."

"You aren't going?" Cindy asked, watching as Jack handed Star Bank off to one of the grooms.

"No," Jack shook his head. "Lucas has another assistant at Hollywood and Santa Anita that will be taking care of these guys."

Cindy nodded watching as Ryan appeared around the truck, a clipboard in hand as he counted up the horses.

"Is this it?"

"Should be," Jack said, taking a look at the clipboard, nodding. "Star Bank is the last one. Northern Delight should be on there, too."

"Yeah," Ryan nodded. "We've got him."

"Good," Jack nodded. "Then take them to Republic. The cargo plane should be waiting for them."

Ryan nodded, looking over at Cindy and noticing her blood shot eyes.

"Hey, are you alright?" Ryan asked, touching Cindy's arm.

"Yeah," Cindy said quickly, getting a concerned look from Ryan. "I'm fine. Really."

"Your not hung over or anything?" Ryan asked, making Cindy laugh.

"No. Hardly," Cindy responded. "Just a little tired."

"Alright," Ryan shrugged, patting Cindy on the back before taking off for the van. "I'll see you guys tonight."

"Right," Jack confirmed, waving him off. Ryan jumped in the van and started the engine as soon as the horses were settled and the doors were closed. Jack hit the side of the van a couple times before Ryan pulled out, heading for the back gates.

Jack and Cindy stood quietly by themselves, watching the van pull out beyond the guard station before Cindy asked: "What's going on tonight?"

And Jack smiled.

"Cindy!"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have that thingy?"

"What thingy?"

"You know, the hair thingy."

Cindy pushed her head outside of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her small body.

"What thingy, Laura?"

Laura frowned and slipped into the bathroom, rummaging through a few drawers before pulling out a large clip to keep her long brown hair back.

"This thingy," Laura smiled, holding up the contraption for Cindy to see.

"Great," Cindy smiled. "Now get out. I have to get dressed."

"Okay, okay," Laura nodded. "What are you wearing again?"

Cindy motioned to the black pants and red silk tank top that hung on their hangers from the towel closet door.

"Oh, right," Laura said. "Good choice. I'm feeling a little weird in a skirt."

"Change," Cindy shrugged. "If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable."

"We'll see," Laura smiled, bouncing out the door and closing it behind her. "Just hurry up. The guys will be here in thirty minutes."

"Okay," Cindy called through the door, pulling out her hair dryer and blasting her blond locks with searing heat. Once her hair was dry and rail straight, she turned to her clothes, pulling on each article of clothing carefully, frowning at herself in the mirror after she had herself assembled. She had bought the clothes in Los Angeles, when she still had money to spare from Joy's earnings. The silk red top was just about as sleek as it could get. With tiny straps and being nearly backless it had definitely been something Cindy never would have gotten if it hadn't been for her friend Heather's insistence. Most of Cindy's shopping sprees had Heather involved, and when they had both been in LA together Cindy had blown more money than she had thought possible.

Finally, with a touch of red lipstick to her lips and a small spray of perfume, Cindy was ready. She smiled at her reflection, glad her mother had taught her something about being feminine. Otherwise Cindy would have been doomed to wearing jeans and t-shirts promoting various racetracks wherever she went.

When she stepped out of her room, Laura was smiling at her, nodding.

"Looking good, Cin," Laura smiled, her long brown hair curling luxuriously into a mass behind her head. "If you aren't going to attract attention, I don't know what will."

Cindy blushed at the complement, barely able to see herself attracting much attention at all. She had, after all, caught Max Smith's attention with her ability with horses, not fashion sense, or little she had of it. Then again, Cindy frowned, she didn't want to date another Max Smith.

Laura looked fantastic, with a black skirt split up the side and an ivory long sleeved top that made her look stunning.

"You too," Cindy responded with a smile just as the buzzer went off beside the door.

"Yeah?" Laura asked into the wall unit, looking at the door.

"Hey," Ryan's voice crackled through.

"We'll be down in a sec," Laura called, shutting off the unit and motioned to Cindy. "They're downstairs. Are you all set?"

Cindy nodded, pulling her black leather jacket, another acquirement due to Heather, off the peg near the door, pulling it on over her red top. "Sure. Let's go."

Down in the parking garage, Ryan's Mercedes was waiting for them, the car's lights shining out onto the packed Brooklyn road. Outside, Jack was leaning against the car waiting for them, his own dark brown leather jacket glowing softly in the lights that bounced in off the street.

Cindy and Laura grinned at him as they stepped off the elevator jogging in their difficult heels toward the car.

"Evening, ladies," Jack smiled at them, pushing off the car and opening the back door, revealing Audrey who was sitting on the far side, grinning brightly at them.

"Hey!" Audrey waved, and Laura waved back, climbing into the car. Cindy paused to raise her eyebrow at Jack, who grinned at her, catching her arm before she climbed inside as well.

"Is all better in the world?" Jack asked, his cheerful dusky blue eyes turning serious for a fraction of a second.

"Much," Cindy replied with a smile, sliding into the car as Jack closed the door after them and opened the front door, jumping into the passenger seat, Ryan peeling out of the garage and into traffic, all three girls screaming.

The club was hot and humid after Cindy somehow managed to slip in without anyone asking for her ID, which she didn't even have in the first place. Everything was so crowded that Cindy was both happy and annoyed that she had left her coat in the car. She would have sweltered with it on, but the roving bodies of the crowd touching her bare back was enough to make her grumpy. But Jack was there, and all anger Cindy was feeling toward the people mashed around her melted away in the heat of the club.

They managed to find a table near the bar, and Ryan and Jack immediately left with drink orders, leaving the girls to yell at each other over the thumping bass of the music and the roar of the crowds.

"You guys look stunning!" Audrey yelled at Cindy and Laura, smiling at them. "I almost feel like I dressed down."

Cindy took one look at the expensive black leather pants and the equally expensive silver top that Audrey had on and only laughed. She had to be kidding herself.

"No way," Laura assured her, but Audrey didn't hear over the striking deep music that raged on at a primal beat. Laura and Audrey managed to slip into an awkward conversation as Cindy watched the writhing dance floors; people pressed everywhere and dancing with anyone. She remembered going to places like this in LA, where she had no one to dance with and didn't feel comfortable being grabbed by a stranger.

Before she could get a word in to Audrey about anything conversational, Jack and Ryan were back with hard liquor in hand. Cindy got her screwdriver and she was happy, talking smiling as Jack sat down between her and Audrey, taking a gulp of his scotch.

"I heard you turn 21 in March," Audrey called over to Cindy between sips of her gin and tonic. "I bet you're excited."

Cindy fought the automatic urge to roll her eyes. She hated when people assumed she would be excited over being able to legally drink. It also made her feel young, and there wasn't anything Cindy hated more than seeming young.

"Yeah," Cindy said instead, smiling forcefully. "I really can't wait. Everyone here has promised me a grand time."

"Ryan and Jack don't know any other way," Audrey grinned, jumping at a song that started blasting through the towers of speakers. "I have to dance to this," she announced, grabbing Jack's arm and hauling him out of the chair.

Jack and Audrey disappeared inside the crowds and Cindy turned back to Ryan and Laura, who seemed very immersed in their own conversation all of a sudden, leaving Cindy feeling a little on edge. She quietly took sips of her screwdriver, watching the crowds and trying not to listen in on the conversation between Ryan and her roommate.

"Cindy," Laura said suddenly, getting her attention.

"Yeah?" Cindy asked, looking at her roommate.

"You don't mind if we go out there, do you?"

Cindy opened her mouth and closed it, shaking her head. "Of course not," Cindy said, putting on a smile. "Go ahead and have fun."

"Are you sure?" Laura asked, clearly upset at having to leave Cindy alone at the table. "I don't want to leave you here."

"I'll be fine," Cindy said. "I'll just keep the table safe."

"Okay," Laura frowned, letting Ryan pull her out of the chair and out to the dance floor, disappearing in the large crowd and the thumping music and the roars.

Cindy sighed and drank the rest of her screwdriver in two large gulps, getting a little light headed from the vodka, and leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table as she watched the crowds, feeling alone and a little like a fifth wheel.

She started to play with the water circles the glass made on the black table, ignoring looks she got from inquisitive men and generally everyone else. By the time she had made a design out of every spot of water on the table, she suddenly felt a hand lay flat on her back and she nearly screamed, whipping around.

There stood Jack.

"Hey, Angel," he replied with a grin.

"Jack!" Cindy nearly shrieked. "Don't do that!"

He grinned and plopped down next to her, running his hands through his dark hair. "Sorry," he shrugged. "Didn't mean to freak you out or anything."

"Oh no," Cindy rolled her eyes, feeling a tad defensive and annoyed.

Jack picked up his previously abandoned glass of scotch and swallowed the rest of it, Cindy watching with wide eyes.

"What are you doing, Jack?" Cindy asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Coming to ask you to dance," Jack said, putting the glass back on the table and creating another circle of water.

"What if I don't want to?" Cindy asked, cocking her head at him, her perfectly straight blond hair falling across her lips.

"Well," Jack said, leaning back in his chair, giving her a steady look. "The way I see it, you can sit alone here, or dance with me."

"Where's Audrey?" Cindy challenged, finding an excuse and finding the fact that she was completely asinine. She wanted away from this table, but she also didn't feel comfortable with the whole thing. This was Jack, and Jack wasn't her boyfriend, or a perfect stranger. Jack was something entirely different.

"Bathroom," Jack answered. "And after that she's going to sample the bar. You, on the other hand, have been sitting."

"Well…" Cindy tried, looking around for another excuse, but before she could find one Jack was practically picking her up and scooting her toward the dance floor, parting the waves of grinding bodies as they immersed themselves in the crowd.

"Oh my God," Cindy groaned, feeling his arm tug her around.

"It's okay," Jack laughed, pulling her toward him. "Just dance, Cin. Have some fun."

Cindy stared at him and could only blush as she started to dance, her heart beating hard to its own rhythm instead of to the loud, insistent music. Cindy watched Jack for a moment before closing her eyes, hoping that would make the situation better, but it didn't. He was right there next to her, right in front of her, dancing too close for her comfort.

She took several deep breaths, raising her hands in the air, before relaxing and smiling, forgetting who Jack was for a moment as they danced, finally moving to the music. Cindy remembered high school dances that she had gone to with Max, and realized that this was not anything like them. She grinned and began to move her hips, feeling other people brush against her and finding that she wasn't caring this time.

Cindy kept dancing, finding Jack close to her but keeping her eyes closed, moving to her own beat. It was a shock to suddenly feel his hand on her back again, fingers brushing against the red silk of her top, and her eyes flew open, staring up at Jack too suddenly.

"There you are!" Cindy could hear Audrey as the song suddenly switched to something faster, the crowds gyrating around them.

"I was wondering where you two went," Audrey said, looking up at Jack and then at Cindy, her gaze visibly changed. "If I could steal him from you for just a moment?"

"Sure," Cindy said, taking a step back and nearly hitting someone on the dance floor. "I'll see you guys at the table."

Audrey nodded and pulled Jack further into the crowd, leaving Cindy to push her way back to the table, which she found occupied. She sighed and moved to the wall, leaning against it and watching the crowds move, feeling a little strange and uneasy.

By the time Laura and Ryan found her, Cindy was ready to leave. They found Audrey and Jack behind them and made their way out, walking through the cold October air. The bare silk top rustled in the breeze, Cindy's skin rising into goose bumps as they found Ryan's car.

Everyone was a little quiet in the car on the way back, and Cindy was freezing as she shrugged her way into her leather jacket, accidentally hitting Audrey's arm in the process.

"Watch it, Cindy," Audrey said softly, looking at her from the side of the backseat.

"I'm sorry," Cindy apologized, a little taken aback. "I didn't mean to hit you."

"It's okay," Audrey nodded back, and then the car fell silent.