The evenings turned to darkness and that darkness would seep into Holly's dreams, grabbing her by the ankles and pulling her back downward to the basement of the café where she relived the horrors over and over behind tightly closed eyes, fighting with all her might to resurface gasping for air.
It started a week or so after they had gotten home from the hospital. Holly begged Gail not to leave one night, she didn't really say why other than she didn't want to be alone. Gail didn't really want to be without Holly so of course she happily stayed and basked in the nights they would lie together in bed laughing, talking and letting their bodies' give and take as much as they could stand of each other in their current conditions. Gail knew Holly was having dreams, she would find her thrashing about, soaked in sweat but never remembering anything concrete once she would wake. One night Gail's eyes flew open to the sound of Holly screaming her name from the bathroom, leaping from the bed to get to her as quickly as possible she found Holly in the bathtub, having pulled the pale green shower curtain off the rings and wrapping it around herself tightly. She would not leave the tub, Gail didn't know what else to do so she brought bedding to Holly and they both squeezed into the tiny space huddled together huddled together away from all the demons that lurked beyond the safety of their porcelain hideaway.
Gail woke to the glorious smell of coffee brewing, she went to sit up from the tub and could feel the tightness in her back and neck like a vise grip refusing to let go. Gail pulled herself out of the tub, stretched and splashed cold water on her face before traipsing down the stairs to the kitchen.
She found Holly at the counter as Gail slid her arms around the back of Holly's waist pulling her into the blonde's chest as she planted a soft kiss on the side of her girlfriend's neck. "Mm, Hi."
Holly turned as she took a deep breath slowly releasing it into the space between them; she bent down slightly to kiss Gail with just enough momentum that the cops top lip lingered between Holly's before she released it. "Hi, back."
Grabbing two coffee mugs from the counter Holly turns to pour the steaming succulent liquid from the pot. Holly sets a cup on the counter next to the cream and sugar, "These are new beans that I ordered from Singapore, who knows Tim Horton's still might be better." Gail takes a sip from her mug, "No, it's really good Hol, like that might be the best coffee I have ever had!" Holly smiles, "Good, I was hoping you would like it."
They sit in silence drinking, avoiding, and sidestepping the topic they desperately need to talk about. Gail finally breaks the lull, "I think we should talk about what happened last night. Would that be okay?"
"Gail, I am so sorry. I am not sure how that happened, kind of silly really. I don't know about you, my tailbone is killing me!" as she rises making her way to the fridge taking inventory of breakfast ingredients. "Do you want pancakes? I don't have chocolate chips but I could do blueberry, I think I have some frozen ones." Gail appears beside her, "Holly stop. We have to talk about this, we can't ignore it." Holly drops the egg carton she is holding and finds her hands to her face; the tears are already in route down her cheeks as Gail wraps her arms tightly around Holly, "Hey, I got you. I am right here; it's going to be okay." Holly turns around and flings her arms around Gail's neck, buries her face in the crook of the blonde's neck and lets it all go. She cried until the t-shirt Gail is wearing is soaked on both sides of her shoulders, until all the fear, panic, and anger that has fought its way to the tippy top layer finds its release in Gail's arms.
Finally looking down ,"We are standing in egg, honey."
Kissing Holly's forehead Gail informs her, "I have stood in much worse, Hol. Much, much worse, and I would stand anywhere with you. You know that right?" Gail wipes a tear that has escaped down to Holly's chin. Sheepishly Holly replies, "I do."
"C'mon let's sit for a minute I want to tell you something."
They grab their mugs setting them down on the coffee table and move to the couch, Holly begins to sit, then stops herself and remains standing, with hands flailing, "Gail, if this is too much I understand. I can't ask you to follow me to the bathtub at night when I freak out and God knows what else I will do, I just don't even know; it's not fair to ask you…" Cutting her off, "Stop it!" Gail guides her to the couch and sits next to her turning so they are facing each other. "Holly, I almost lost you once because I am an idiot and then again a second time because someone else was an idiot. I am not losing you again. So I don't care if you drag me to the front lawn in my underwear to sleep every night for the rest of my life, I am not leaving, and I am not giving up. I want to tell you something that I just don't talk about very often. I think it might help, and even if it doesn't, it will let you know you're not alone. You are never alone Hol."
Gail stops and works up a moment of courage to continue. "There was a case that I worked a few years ago; it was an undercover operation involving a guy who was preying on young women. We set up a sting in a hotel bar and I was the bait and we got the guy." Stopping to gather her thoughts, she feels her heart's rhythm add an extra beat, and she is well aware of the breath she is fighting hard to keep even and controlled. "Except he was not the right guy, he was not the guy who was taking these girls. I thought it was over, and I was staying with Andy so I headed back to her place. I had texted Nick earlier a few times and wanted him to come over. When I heard the knock at the door, I opened it, fully expecting Nick's mug on the other side." The sweat beaded around Gail's lower back and she felt clammy and a bit nauseous as she remembered the cold draft from under that door. "I opened the door and in a split second it slammed into my head knocking me backward. I tried to fight, I mean I fought, but he was strong and had a mask on covering his face. Too strong, he picked me up like it was nothing, but I struggled and fought and then I got away crawling across the floor but he grabbed me by my feet and pulled me back like I was just a child. I tasted my own blood mixed with the leather of his gloves as he covered my face then I felt the needle plunge into my skin." Gail pauses to look at Holly who is transfixed on the words coming from her girlfriend, she has never seen this side of Gail, never realized the amazing depth of the stories she has lived to tell. She has never loved her more than in this very moment cloaked in the pain that lies draped all around her. Holly does not say a word and in stillness waits for Gail to continue.
Gail sips her coffee and calmly places it back on the table before them. "I don't remember much after that except for his shoes, wingtips. I was tied up in his basement. He was a doctor, well he had his license revoked, shocking, I know. He stitched my head up and had me hooked up to an IV administering sedation and god knows what else." Gail pauses as the tears pool in her eyes. She can see his face, his smile and damn him, she smiles herself when she lets herself remember his laugh. "Then I heard Jerry's voice upstairs. Jerry, um Detective Barber who was Traci's fiancée, he had somehow found the house and was there. I just remember being dragged up the stairs and I saw Jerry bleeding, he had been stabbed, there was so much blood but he managed to attack Perik, who was the guy that had kidnapped me. Somehow during their struggle Jerry slipped his phone into Perik's pocket. I was bound and put in the trunk of Perik's cab but because Jerry thought to do that with the phone, they found me." Then Gail stopped speaking and Holly let her. Sharing the silence until Gail became able to speak again, until she was able to say the hardest words of the whole entire story. "Jerry died. He died saving me."
The found each other without effort and stayed that way on the couch for a long time. They stayed that way until the need to move appeared. Gail was exhausted, but she knew she had to tie it all together for Holly. In the end she did not tell the story for herself, but rather to brutally expose herself as someone who understood all too well the darkness that chases Holly.
"I had the dreams, Hol. I had them for a while. I thought they would win, but in the end they didn't because they are not real. I will sit with you, and we will deconstruct them together, whatever it takes, however long it takes. You are not alone, you know that right?"
Holly traces Gail's hand with her fingers, brings her strong, wise hand up to her face, kisses the palm of the woman she loves and then allows her cheek rest against it. "I do now."
There will be different challenges for both Gail and Holly as we move though the chapters, but they will deal with them together, and work things out. This is a NOT a "I am like a cat in a tree" fic, we had enough of that torment in the show. Please let me know what you like, what you don't and your thoughts. Of course thank you so much for reading, and commenting. You guys are pretty awesome!