Hardest Thing
By: iferleigh
Rating: T (just in case)
Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.
Corrections: Oh crap! I was rereading the entire to see if I got my facts straight and I found a mistake in words!
–Chapter 7 with Brass and Gil saying: 'I always knew I was out of her league' Sorry about that, changed that to: "I always knew she was out of my league"
Note: Thanks for the replies everyone! I get really happy when I read them!
Note2: Sam and Lily moments again. And a glimpse into the history I made up about Catherine and her childhood. I had to improvise so bear with me! Tell me if you're getting sick of Sam/Lily moments so I can just edit it out in the future. Okay? Loves to you all!
-o0o-
Chapter Ten: He said, he said and the Good Cop
Lily stood waiting outside Catherine's room, pacing nervously. Monica had come again not long after Catherine left the table, giving Lindsey something else to focus on. Lily knew what had prompted Catherine to leave. She had gone through it too many times not to know. With Catherine and her anger, especially when it came to her mother, it was hard to forget.
Catherine worked for the most part of Lindsey's life—from being married to a bum like Eddie to raising Lindsey after the divorce to Eddie's death. She worked and worked, bringing in the money to raise her daughter and give her the best Catherine could. But everything came with a price. For the comfortable home to the met needs and given wants it cost Catherine time—time away from her daughter and most of the things involving her life.
Understandably, Catherine felt the guilt of a neglecting mother and Lily knew it. She knew more than enough for at times she had thrown it on her daughter's face during heated arguments and lectures. At times Lily felt bad for throwing it all at Catherine, but then she knew Catherine had to see what her job was doing to her and her life. The problem was the counter thought would always come: without the job, Catherine and Lindsey wouldn't have anything.
Lily knew how torn Catherine had been between seeing her daughter grow up and being responsible and provide what her daughter needed. For Catherine, it had been one hell of a predicament.
It was enough Catherine was feeling the guilt and to have Lily throw it at her, Lily knew it made it worst, but then to have Lindsey bonding immediately with Sam and sharing to him her plans and making plans with him together was enough to shake Catherine. Lily knew it had torn Catherine to see how Lindsey seemed to share more with Sam, a grandfather she had just recently begun to get to know, than her mother. Lily knew for Catherine had been the same way when Sam was around.
And now she was worried. Catherine had only moved in, however temporary, at least she was here, and Lindsey was ecstatic on having everyone close to her in one roof and Sam was clearly overjoyed. Lily couldn't have been happier, but now that this had come, adding to the pain Catherine must have been feeling after everything she went through, she was sure this would ruin whatever they had just formed—family or something like it.
So Lily paced, worriedly, as she twisted and untwisted a hanky in her trembling hands. She couldn't hear a thing, well aware of how soundproof the rooms of the mansion were. She waited and soon enough, Sam came out, looking worried and forlorn.
Immediately she threw her arms around his waist. "How is she? Does she need me? Is she all right?" Lily asked, pulling away and reaching for the door, but Sam's hand stopped her.
"She's asleep," Sam said quietly.
Lily nodded. "Oh, alright," she said then paused. "What happened in there? Is she okay?"
Sam nodded. "Yes, she's fine."
Lily knew something was wrong then. "Sam, what's wrong?"
Sam shook his head, pulling away from her and looking at her. "She said some things to me…things you never told me."
Lily swallowed. "What? What did she tell you?"
"About Robert," Sam said gruffly.
Lily's cheeks flushed at the mention of her first husband, Nancy's father. "What about Robert? He's dead, Sam! He's gone, it's over!"
Sam shook his head. "Yes, he's dead, but how does Robert Flynn manage to still hurt my daughter from the grave, Lily? How?"
Lily shook her head and tried to hold his hands in hers, only to have him pull back. "Sam, please…"
"You never told me what she was going through with him," Sam said quietly.
Lily would have preferred him angry, loud and wild, rather than quiet and distanced from her. She would have known how to appease him, but now she was lost and worried. This wasn't the Sam she knew.
"I knew he was angry, especially when I came around to see Catherine," Sam said. "And I know he never forgave you or me for falling in love first, for having history and I thought he was taking it out on you like you told me." He stopped and looked her dead in the eyes. "I was fine with that—no, no, you told me to be fine with that and I agreed because you didn't want to leave him…But you never told me what he was doing to Catherine."
Lily's eyes filled with tears. "Robert never did anything to Catherine!"
Sam shook his head, "I just faced your daughter, Lily!" He pointed at the door. "Our daughter." He shoved his hands in his pockets in an attempt to calm down. "You weren't in there. She's still upset, Lily, after all these years, she's still upset."
"She never said anything," Lily said, looking down at her furiously working hands. The handkerchief should be unrecognizable now.
"What happened in that house, Lily?" Sam asked. "After we decided? After I agreed to disappear, what happened?"
Lily shrugged, "You left, Catherine asked why and I couldn't tell her then the accident happened. Oasis died, Catherine started acting up and rebellion kicked in…then she ran away. I told you and you tried to find her but couldn't. She came home from Seattle then left again for Vegas. It was out of my hands then, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't have stopped her from leaving again if I tried."
Sam shook his head. "Not good enough."
"Sam!" Lily pleaded. "Don't walk away! Please!"
But he shook his head and walked passed her and headed to their bedroom. Lily wiped the tears from her eyes and followed, biting her bottom lip nervously. Without word, Sam went into their room and sat on their bed. She sat beside him.
"Tell me," Sam said as he stared at his feet. "Tell me Lily before I do something we'll both be sorry for. Think of Lindsey, think of Catherine…especially Catherine."
Lily bit her bottom lip. "Robert knew, right from the day I gave birth to Catherine. He had his doubts in the beginning, but then when he saw her he knew she wasn't his and you were there, you saw how angry he was."
Sam nodded. "I saw and I felt it," he unconsciously rubbed his left jaw. It had been decades but he still knew where Robert Flynn had hit him the day he came to the hospital to see his daughter. It had been the only time a man laid a hand on Sam and lived without paying a price.
"He knew, I don't know how, but he knew," she said softly. "And he wouldn't look at her, Sam. He wouldn't touch her, wouldn't hold her even when she was crying. She was such a beautiful baby, but he wouldn't look at her. He said to me, Sam, that every time he saw her, he saw you…"
"Go on."
Lily nodded. "We fought about it so much and at first he didn't want her in our house…you were there, you knew he was ready to send Catherine away."
"I would have taken her in a heartbeat," Sam said. "You and her both."
"But I couldn't let my own child go like that," Lily said, ignoring his last statement. "I loved her, even before I saw her. She was my daughter, my blood, my flesh, our love. I would have fought heaven and hell to keep her."
"And you did."
"And I did," Lily agreed. "You know how angry Robert was, how he forced himself to agree to let her stay. But from the very beginning he had rules."
Sam looked at Lily. "What?"
"He said I could keep her if I stayed and if he didn't have to pretend to love her," she said sadly. "Because he couldn't and never will lover her because…"
"She's mine," Sam finished for her.
Sadly, Lily agreed.
Sam shook his head. "But he had no right to treat her badly. She was a child, she was innocent. Catherine had done nothing to him. It was me, it was my fault."
Lily shook her head, taking his hands in hers. "It was both our faults."
Sam's face hardened. "Goddamn coward took out all his anger at her! Damn it, Lily, if I knew…"
Lily pulled away, her eyes wide. "What? What would you have done?"
Sighing, Sam shook his head. "Nothing…"
"What would you have done, Sam?" Lily pressed on. "You would have hurt him? For hurting her?"
Sam shook his head. "You loved him then, I wouldn't have hurt him, knowing it would hurt you."
"Please, Sam, let it go," Lily pleaded. "Robert is gone…just let it go."
Sam looked at Lily. "Catherine…she's still hurt, Lil, she's still hurt. You have no idea how hard it was to face her…she asked…"
"What?" Lily asked. "What did she ask you?"
"She asked me why I never took her away," Sam said, his face crumpling with guilt. "She asked me why she didn't have a good father like Nancy, why I left and never came back…"
Lily's cheeks flushed and her eyes widened. "What did you tell her?"
"I told her the truth," Sam said resignedly. "That as much as I wanted to take her, I couldn't because I know you fell in love with her just as I did and it would hurt you if I took her away. I couldn't do that, not to you. I wouldn't hurt you like that, Lil." He looked at her. "You were there, you know what happened."
Lily nodded. "Robert was having enough, he threatened to leave…I couldn't risk going back to you and be hurt again. I could live with loving you, but not getting hurt and losing you altogether. I could live with loving you from afar and thinking you loved me too. I told you to say goodbye to Catherine, leave and never come back…and you did."
Sam nodded, looking miserable and feeling just as miserable on the day he left Lily's house after saying goodbye to a sleeping Catherine. "I would have done anything for you. Even it took losing my only daughter."
"I'm sorry, Sam," Lily said softly. "I'm so sorry for pushing you, for taking our daughter away from you…for everything."
Sam gathered her into his arms. "It's over, we're a family again. We have Lindsey, we have Catherine…she will heal and she'll be all right, Lil. We're going to be a family. I promise. I won't allow her to be hurt again."
The tears escaped her olden eyes, but as she let herself feel the love of the man who held her heart for more years than she could count, she felt young again. Young and loved.
Yes, she thought, they were going to be a family again and Catherine was going to be okay.
-o0o-
Thoughts ran through Gil's mind as he tried to think of a proper way to asses the situation. He felt drained, exhausted and much craved the bed he had abandoned to what felt like a lifetime ago. In that bed he felt she was with him still, her scent tickling his senses and his dreams, luring him deeper and deeper until he was deep enough in sleep and dreams that he thought she really was there with him.
He had dreamt she was with him, giggling while she curled herself around him, purring almost like a cat after a nap and a playful kiss. It had been so real that he thought he was holding her once more, touching her, kissing her and laughing with her that when he woke up he felt his heart constrict when he found himself in a cold, empty bed, her pillow still clutched tight to him.
He wanted to go back and never let go, even if it meant to be forever in sleep as long as she was with him and he could hold her.
But that could never be. Nothing in the world or beyond it would grant him a wish so extravagant, so unreal and so impossible. It was simply childish he would wish, it was worst that he wished something so…basic story book, much like the ones he used to read to a small darling little spitfire that was his butterfly, Catherine's daughter.
He missed her, he missed her daughter—he missed them.
He thought her and what he had done and lost until his thoughts were shattered with, "Grissom?"
He looked up and realized he still had a captive two man audience in front of him. Two of the best he and Catherine trained: the Texan and the African-American, now looking at him expectantly.
"Catherine resigned and that's all I can and will say," he said easily, despising himself for having a lie so easily slip his lips. He wondered if this was what had become of him—a liar. His mother would have disgraced him so; she had raised him better than this.
Warrick looked unimpressed and obviously unsatisfied. "Yeah, that's what you, idiot Ecklie and McKeen said, but it doesn't feel right. You're hiding something, Griss and we want to know what."
Gil shook his head. "Warrick, this is not something I am allowed to discuss with you both as your supervisor and Catherine's friend."
Bull, his mind snapped at him. Friend, yeah right.
Nick shook his head. "Yeah, we get that. It's private, but Grissom, it's just not Catherine to leave without a goodbye of some sort. She would have said something."
"It wasn't planned," Gil said carefully. "It just happened." He wondered if his mother would approve of almost half truths. He figured not.
"We're worried, okay?" Warrick said. "If it's something big, if it's Lindsey, if she's sick then we want to help. We just need to know."
"It's not Lindsey and I assure you, she is not sick," Gil sighed. "It's out of my hands, I'm sorry. If you want you can go see her at her house or something, call her if not." He wondered if this was considered a lie if he already knew she wasn't going to be there.
"We tried calling her, she didn't pick up or call back," Nick said.
"Then that should tell you what she wants," Gil said softly. "Catherine will come back to see you or contact you if she wants, but please, don't push me into a corner. I don't want to betray Catherine and disrespect her decisions."
Warrick shook his head. "You're a load of crap, Griss."
"Rick," Nick said carefully.
"Nah," Warrick said, waving Nick aside as he looked at Gil. "Something's not right and you're hiding it. Catherine didn't pack up and leave for no reason. She wouldn't hide and disappear just like that. Something madeher leave and I think you know, Grissom. Something happened and you don't want to tell us."
Nick looked at his boss who seemed surprisingly calm after being disrespected just like that. He had expected a blow up, a threat of suspension for insubordination, but he figured that was more Conrad Ecklie than Gil Grissom so he stared and waited instead.
Something madeher leave, echoed in Grissom's mind and suddenly he felt himself grow cold. He wasn't prepared to face their anger yet, knowing that they would be when they find out the truth—Sara, the secret relationship, Catherine, the lies, the affair and everything else. He wasn't prepared for that, knowing theirs and his wounds were still fresh and raw.
"If something made her leave," Gil said as calm and as natural as he could. "Then I don't know. She didn't say and whatever rumor you might hear then it's up to you to believe. I still suggest you take this up with Catherine if you can find where she is."
Warrick stared at Gil. "You really don't know where she is?"
Gil shook his head, "No I don't." A thought occurred to him. "Who gave them the idea I would do that to Catherine?"
Nick threw Warrick a cautious glance. This was the hard part. Melissa had said two names, but one of those names was sure to set him off. It was a no brainer whose name would that be. Warrick shrugged as to say, He's going to find out anyway.
Nick let out a soft hiss. "Well, it's…kinda complicated, Griss."
Gil raised an eyebrow. "Either you know where she got it or you don't."
"We do," Nick said, hating Warrick for letting him handle this when it was his rant in the first place. He was supposed to be the good, calm guy, right? Good cop, bad cop?
"Well?"
Nick pursed his lips before blurting out, "Ecklie. And McKeen."
They watched as Gil's eyes widened and waited for the worst to come.
Nothing.
Until Gil sighed, "Conrad is an ass," he said simply. "It's up to you who you want to believe. It's a case of 'he said, he said' and you decide who is lying and who's not. As for McKeen, he sees what Conrad wants him to see."
Warrick shook his head. "He's a jackass, he's a load of crap—no one's going to believe him."
Gil smirked. "And the reason you came here is...?"
Nick grinned, glad to have a calm conversation than an 'I'll-kill-Ecklie' rant. Good cop.
Warrick shrugged. "I had to make sure it was true…she sounded so damn sure of herself."
"'Truth is beautiful without doubt, but so are lies'," Gil recited in his deep tenor.
Nick raised an eyebrow. "Not BillyShakespeare."
Warrick looked at Nick, his brows furrowed and Gil smirked, "Billy?"
Nick grinned. "William, Bill, Billy—you know."
Gil smiled and shook his head. "Ralph Waldo Emerson."
Warrick shook his head, "So you're telling us Ecklie is lying? Why the heck would he waste his breath on that?"
Nick shrugged. "Ecklie is Ecklie. Who knows?"
Gil folded his hands together, "I'm not saying anything. You believe what you believe, judge for yourself. Like I said, 'he said, he said'—you choose which 'he'."
Warrick sighed, rubbing his head and his curls. "This sucks."
Nick nodded. "Ecklie sucks."
Gil shrugged nonchalantly. "Politicians are liars in thousand dollar suits."
Warrick grinned. "Don't think baldy Ecklie can shell out that much for those crummy suits of his."
"At least not yet," Nick said. "Wait 'til he's Mayor."
Warrick groaned. "If that happens, I'm skipping town."
Nick nodded and raised a hand in agreement. "Same here, bro. Ecklie running Vegas should be illegal or something."
Gil smirked. "As long as he's out of the lab, I'm fine." He shrugged. "If he becomes Mayor then it'll take him off our backs easy. He can schmooze and frolic with the other stuffy suits. He was a born politician, much to his mother's chagrin."
Nick laughed. "You know Ecklie's mom?"
Gil smiled mischievously. "No, not personally. I heard them on the phone once. She's not so big on politics and bit his head off for schmoozing with the Mayor and everyone. She lives in Henderson, you know."
Warrick shuddered. "Hard to imagine a woman giving birth to that guy."
"Euh," Nick groaned. "Pure evil, poor Missus Ecklie."
Gil chuckled. "You never know. 'Pure evil', as you eloquently put it, Nicky, don't just happen. They're made and usually, the only thing they fear are the ones who made them."
They all chuckled and Nick checked his watch. "Almost time for shift. Time to gear up."
Gil nodded. "We've got work tonight. Full load, seems Vegas is in its prime."
They all tried not to cringe, knowing they might be short for the night without Catherine, but it was evident on all their faces the thought had crossed their minds.
Nick nodded. "We'll be on the look out," he said as he was once more somber. "Hell, I'm tempted to put out an official BOLO for her car and all that. Maybe Brass will help."
Warrick shrugged. "How about a search party instead?"
Gil nodded, accepting their grief. "If you do find her…" he bent his head and focused on the papers on his desk to avoid eye contact. "Tell her to come back. Tell her the lab needs her… we need her."
That was as close as he would dare indicating he missed her and if they knew how to read between the lines, and he was sure they knew, they would know what he was trying to say. With a nod and not one word more, the men left and Gil was left once more with his thoughts.
"Where are you, Catherine?"
The only answer he got was the hollow, almost haunting, silence of his office.
-o0o0o0o-
Catherine had heard the sounds of horses whinnying and hooves stomping on the ground. At first she thought she was dreaming she was back home and Nancy was playing with the horses again, but when it all sounded too real the reality—her new reality came back to her in a flash. She wasn't home in Montana; she was in Sam's house with her mother and her daughter, trying to act like family.
She had woken up just in time to not be late for work, but now that she was jobless, waking up seemed pointless now. Catherine groaned and wished she could go back to sleep.
But being Catherine, nothing ever came easy for her, not even sleep.
Easing out of bed, feeling rested now; she went to her window and saw her daughter on a beautiful black horse. She was in full gear—riding clothes, helmet and boots. Lindsey looked perfect as if she had been riding her whole life.
The horse she rode on resembled her old friend, Oasis, and a rush of memories long forgotten threatened to comeback. Catherine shook her head and slammed the door on those memories, knowing it wouldn't do her good. It was enough how she broke down in front of her father, the man who was more like a stranger than her own blood, to break down once more for something that happened too long ago seemed foolish to her now.
Instead she watched her daughter ride, her dark hair—hair like her father's—was pulled in a neat ponytail and tucked in her riding helmet securely. Her smile, bright enough for Catherine to see from her second story bedroom, showed just how happy she was. Catherine saw the happiness in her daughter's face and felt she knew how much she was loving and enjoying her experience. She had felt it too, riding Oasis for the very first time while her 'Uncle' Sam watched with her mother.
Catherine remembered that day well. She was still so much a kid, nearing eleven and excited. Her father and Nancy had gone out that day to town. Maybe for ice cream or for new toys and clothes, but Catherine never knew. Her dad always took her sister out and her mother took her out, and that was the way it always was as far as Catherine could remember.
She never noticed her Uncle Sam only came when her dad was out with Nancy or when at work, all she knew was he was a good friend of mom's who came from a place called Las Vegas where the city never slept (she had giggled and called Uncle Sam a liar when he told her) and where beautiful toys, dolls, candies and chocolates and doll houses came from. Uncle Sam always had something for Catherine, a fact that she was happy about for her own father never bought her anything.
When Catherine was small, she always wished that her Uncle Sam would be her dad someday. She wished each and every night, not knowing that one day her wish would come true—and that she wasn't going to be happy about it.
One day, Uncle Sam had come with a truck following behind his always shiny car. Catherine was out in the back of the house, petting the horses her father had forbid her to touch or ride. She loved horses and wished she'd had one of her own, one that her dad wouldn't be able to stop her from riding and touching. Uncle Sam had made that wish come true that day.
The truck was big and white and it had holes at the top sides. Catherine had come running from the back of the house to the front, just in time to see her mother talking with her uncle, gesturing wildly and looking angry. She didn't care and ran anyway and called to her uncle.
Like always, he had turned to her with a smile, her mother instantly forgotten as his favorite girl jumped into his arms, almost tackling him with her tight hug around his neck. He had skipped a few visits and she had missed him.
"I've been busy," he had said as she looked at him with a pout.
She pouted more. "Too busy for your Mugs?"
He laughed. "No, of course not, Mugs, you're my favorite girl." He leaned close to her ear to whisper a secret and she leaned in with a grin, knowing it was going to be just between them. "I was preparing a surprise for you."
Her eyes grew wide and noticed the big truck, in her haste she had managed to miss the enormous vehicle. She squirmed to get off his arms and ran around the truck, trying to reach the much too high holes.
"What's in there?" she asked, tugging on his button down shirt.
"You'll see, it's a surprise," he whispered as two men came to the end of the truck.
Catherine had stood on her uncle's expensive and shiny boots, getting stains, dust and scratches on them. But Sam didn't care as he held her securely against him with her facing front and he walked easily, but carefully, careful not to topple them both to the ground. She had laughed and giggled as she always did when he began to walk with her.
In her excitement, she hadn't noticed her mother's silence and her angry face.
Sam nodded at the men and they opened the truck, revealing Catherine's wish come true. Her eyes grew wide and she gripped her uncle's hands tight as she gasped.
"He's huge!" Catherine had squealed as she stared up the giant before her. She wondered if it was bigger than Sam.
Sam chuckled. "Yeah, he is. And he's yours."
Catherine jumped off his feet and at the same time turned to him. "Really?"
Nodding, Sam pulled out a piece of paper that looked filled with words that Catherine didn't care to read. "Says right here he's three years old and he needs a great owner and a nice home. I figured Montana might just be the place. Don't you think so?"
Squealing, Catherine jumped into his arms again and said, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Uncle Sam! I love you!"
"I love you too, Mugs."
She hadn't seen the happiness on his face, the gleam in his eyes or the way he held her close to him like he didn't want to let go. She didn't see the joy she gave him and the love that was all for her. To her, in her eleven year old mind, he was only her uncle.
The rest of the day was spent in the riding area of the ranch, Catherine learning to ride better from her uncle while her mother watched: the fear, the joy, the anger and the sadness all in her eyes. Catherine hadn't seen those as well, all she saw was the smile on her mother's face.
She hadn't seen the look of anger on her father's face or the hate in his eyes when he came home to find her uncle still in their house or the fear in her mother's or the defiance on her uncle's. She had excitedly pulled a confused Nancy out back to show her what her uncle had bought her from Vegas.
That night, after tucking her in, Uncle Sam promised to return for more lessons the next day, her father went to bed without dinner and her mother spent the night in silence. Nancy had cried and wished she too had her very own horse like her big sister.
It was memories like that that left Catherine feeling both sad and angry at her father, knowing those memories had been wasted in some way. They could have been better, she knew, had she known then he was her father. They could have been catalogued and marked as special, unforgettable days, but instead they were just memories of the man who was her mother's friend, her uncle who came for the visits that always seemed magical to her as a child.
Catherine shook her head, realizing she was still staring at her daughter. She had been lost once more in the past and now that she looked back, she saw what she missed as a child. The tension, the anger, the fear and uneasiness—it was all there.
She had always wondered and wished she knew why her dad never seem to want her, why her mother always succumbed to her father and why her uncle never saw or bought Nancy anything like he did her. Now she was old enough and knew, she wished she could return—back to when she was still an innocent, when she didn't know and was still wishing each night after a prayer and before closing her eyes to sleep.
Yes, for Catherine, it was always better in the past.
-o0o0o0o-
A big thank you to CathWillows (the best video wiz for Grillows on YouTube) for Robert Flynn. Love you, Cat!
Okay, too much Sam and Lily, I know…that's why I double posted! Go check out Chapter 11, but first…try to find the cute little purple button and drop me a line and tell me what you think! Come on, reviews mean chappies!
All work and no reviews make ifer a dull girl! Teehee…