Chapter 10: Drifting and Worries

Rush was a mess when he arrived back on the Destiny. Colonel Young had demanded what had happened but everyone in the Gate room was shocked into silence when they that the Scottish doctor with his usually sharp and perceptive mind was elsewhere. No one knew what to do for him; it was the first time that they had seen a real reaction from him.

Rush was staring down at his hands that were covered in blood the whole time as he made his way out of the Gate room. When Eli emerged through the event horizon he saw Rush's retreating form and ran after him.

When the hover sledge was the next to emerge with an unconscious Amber with bandages wrapped around her stomach, accompanied by Johansen and James everyone gasped and stared in wonder as Johansen and the sledge made their way towards the infirmary.

Lt James stopped in front of Colonel Young and informed him of the events that had transpired and that Greer was finishing up collecting the water and would be returning shortly.

"This is one hell of a mess." Young sighed heavily after processing the information. "Go get cleaned up Lieutenant. We'll discuss this in further detail later." Then he turned to face everyone else in the room "Everyone else get back to work, there's nothing you can do."

Meanwhile Rush arrived at the control room and feel onto his knees. He was still staring at his bloodied hands when the tears began to fall. He was still in shock and his mind couldn't function properly. It was if as soon as he realised that Amber had been shot and he knew that she might not survive, that was when his mind just shut down.

But what he couldn't fathom the most were the words she uttered to him just as she was slipping into unconsciousness.

"I love you." There was no way in this universe that she could have meant to say those words to him. There was no way that someone like her could ever fall for someone like himself.

She was a woman who couldn't love and he was a man afraid to love. What real chance did they have?

No, she had been delirious and he wasn't thinking straight so there was no way that she loved him. After all it wasn't like he loved her, was it? He vowed to never be with anyone else after his beloved wife passed away and he had held that promise for several years now. It was wrong for him to even consider moving on and experiencing that happiness and joy all over again.

"Rush!" Eli called out to him as he entered the control room gasping for breath as he ran the whole way there from the Gate room. The younger man knelt down by his side and put his hands on his shoulders. "Are you alright?"

'Was…he…all right…? What… stupid… question…!' Rush's thoughts were slowly processing Eli's words and he shook his head vigorously before he snapped and yelled out "Of course I'm bloody not alright! What kind of an idiotic question is that?!"

Eli actually recoiled and let go of the scientist as if he had been burned. He lowered his head and whispered softly. "I'm sorry…I was just trying to…" He trailed off trying to such for the right words.

"No…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. It's just hard to… think right now and I don't know what's wrong with me." Rush's voice was quiet and held so much uncertainty that it remind Eli of a lost child who didn't know the way home.

"You're in shock which is understandable. I mean who would have thought that Spencer would try such a thing and Amber…" He once again trailed off when he noticed Rush wince when he spoke her name. "She's strong so she'll get through this." He said with enthusiasm as he tried to lighten the older man's spirit.

Eli did have a point, she had survived her torturous months being held captive and having who knows what done to her, she survived and managed to keep her psychic ability in check and survived encountering the Wraith and other dangers in the Pegasus galaxy, so it stood to reason that she could survive this too.

However back when she served on Atlantis, they had all that technology at their disposal and they didn't have all the basic Earth equipment here and that alone could make all the difference. But he refused to think about that further.

He realised then that if she didn't make it and he was already in pieces what would he be if she died? How could he continue on if the only person that healed the hole in his heart that his beloved wife left was gone as well?

He didn't want to admit that he might feel anything for her other than friendship even though the kiss they shared was breathtaking and he hadn't wanted to pull away; however somewhere along the way he had come to depend on her and needed her to survive.

"Promise that you find happiness. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life in despair. Promise me Nicholas." His late wife's words echoed in his head as she spoke one of her last words to him.

Rush had promised her because studying all things Ancient had made him content and he figured that if he could continue doing that for the rest of his he would be happy. But now he realised that she had meant find happiness in someone else.

Was that someone else Amber? Was she the one that could make his later years in life that more pleasant? The answer was yes, just being in the same room as her made him feel better. They had worked together on and off for a year and now that they were cut off from Earth; he needed her to steady the tide of battle for their very survival out here.

But it was far more than that. She made him complete and she made him forget the sorrow that had consumed him for so long. However did he do the same for her? Or was Amber simply being polite by not pushing him away? After all she hadn't really made any attachments apart from SG-1 and that was because they saved her and especially Carter, she had spent a lot of time with her.

'Though some part of me believes that she wouldn't have said she loved me unless she truly meant it.' He reasoned and stood up slowly, unsure that his legs were stabled enough to carry him to the infirmary.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Eli spoke gently as he too stood up and walked beside the older scientist in silence as they made their way through the empty corridors. Eli took him to the showers so that Rush could scrub off the blood and dirt so he looked presentable when the arrived at the infirmary.

When they finally entered the infirmary they were both surprised at how many people were waiting around to hear the condition that Amber was in. TJ and Chloe were sitting by her bed with Scott placing his hands on Chloe's shoulder and whispering a prayer. Dr Park and Colonel Young were leaning against the wall on either side of the door and Lt Vanessa James was sat on a stool on the other side of Amber's bed.

They all turned at the exact same time and smiled weakly at him. They all knew that the young woman meant something to him simply by his reaction. Rush moved and stood next to Lt James and grasped Amber's left hand, which was cold.

He immediately looked up at Johansen and she spoke as if sensing his thoughts. "She's stable for now, I was able to remove the bullet pretty easily. We don't have much painkillers left and I'm not sure if they'd do anything for her. She can't feel much of anything right now." Her voice was quiet and she sounded as if she was blaming herself for the young woman's current condition. "I just wish there was more that I could do for her."

Chloe sensed the medic's distress and clasped her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Scott finished his prayer and Rush met his gaze, he didn't really believe in God but he nodded so show that he appreciated the Lieutenants efforts.

"I have something you'll want to hear Dr Rush." Lt James announced and lifted her gaze from Amber's still form and Colonel Young strode over to join them as Dr Park made her exit.

"Amber came to see me last night and linked minds with me." She paused to gauge their reactions and saw that Rush had visibly tensed with anger but she got the feeling that it was aimed at Amber than herself. "She transferred some of her memories and feelings into me so that I would know if something happened to her or she attempted to injure you, Dr Rush."

"So that explains why you suddenly dashed off in their direction." Eli stated as he made his way over to Vanessa and placed a hand on her shoulder lending her the support she needed.

"Yeah, it's weird but I can still feel her. I think and feel things that I know aren't mine. It's like a part of her is in me." She said more to herself than the others and her gaze flickered to Amber before moving and locking onto Rush's. "She's not sure where she is right now, she's drifting in some sort of darkness and she's trying to find you." She spoke softly and the sudden urge to place a hand on the older mans cheek was overwhelming but she fought it because she knew that it was Amber's desire not her own.

"I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." He replied and carefully lifted Amber's left hand that he was still holding to his lips and kissed it before placing it back. "But did she mean it? What she said before she - "

"Yes, she meant it!" Vanessa interrupted him and continued before he could say anything more. "If you don't take her then I'm personally going to kick your ass." She threatened half-heartedly and Rush didn't doubt her for a second.

Elsewhere Amber's consciousness drifted in a darkness that just seemed to stretch on forever. She didn't know where she was or what was happening and she was worried, as she didn't know where Rush was.

But she suddenly felt his presence and knew that he was close by, somewhere in this void. She couldn't tell how he was feeling or if he was all right; all she knew that he was close to her and she felt like smiling even though she had now physical form to speak of.

'I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere.' His voice pierced the darkness and Amber was so relieved to hear him again that she felt a heavy weight lift from her shoulders.

Then she felt as if someone else was in the void with her and she knew by the references that she had read and heard what it or more precisely who it was. It was an ascended Ancient, probably here to offer he ascension.

"You are correct Dr Amber Grey, that is exactly what I have come to offer you." A voice spoke out and a glowing, swirling light appeared before her. "You are found a worthy soul of this evolutionary state, will you accept the long journey that has been set out before you?"

Amber knew that deep down if she had been offered ascension weeks ago she would have gladly accepted, however her circumstances had changed and she just wasn't living for herself anymore, a certain Scottish doctor needed her and she wasn't ready to let go of him just yet, especially when she was so close to him.

"I'm sorry, but I have other responsibilities that I can't ignore." She answered and was certain that she wouldn't regret her decision.

The ascended Ancient must have sensed this and left her and the words whispered around her "Good luck with your journey, it has only just begun."

Instantly her senses were returned to her and pain flooded every part of her body and she wished she could go back to that darkness just so it would go away. Her stomach hurt the most and she found it hard to concentrate on her legs but she could move them slightly. She reached out and tried to move her fingers and only managed a twitch but that was enough.

Rush felt her fingers twitch in his grasp and his eyes snapped to her face and he could see that her eyes were moving under her lids. "Amber?" He called out to her softly and everyone accept TJ and himself backed away.

"She's coming around." The young medic stated as she checked the vital and IV bag and injected strong painkillers into the tube.

As if on queue Amber's eyes fluttered open and she moaned as her eyes searched her immediate surroundings and when they settled on Rush she smiled at him. "Hi." Her voice was weak and parched and her throat was a little sore but she knew that would pass.

"We'll leave you alone." Young spoke behind them and everyone spoke of their relieves that she was ok and that they'd come back later.

"Don't do that again. Ever." Was all he said after they were left alone and he emphasised 'ever.' He sat down in the chair that Lt James had vacated and used his right hand to stroke her head gently.

"Sorry, but I found that it was worth it." She replied seriously with a smile on her face that countered her seriousness.

'She's so beautiful when she smiles.' Rush thought as he couldn't stop looking at her and the thought that she could have left him made him realise that he wasn't going to let her out of his sight ever again.

"You do realise that I'm never letting you out of my sight." He told her and bent down and kissed her forehead before pulling away slightly so that their faces were only inches apart.

She couldn't help the retort that slipped out and it was proof just how exhausted she was. "Even in the shower?" She blushed and tried to look away but something in his chocolate brown eyes prevented her from doing do.

He lowered his head and lightly pressed his lips to hers, so briefly it was more like a peck before he grinned at her and replied "Especially in the shower."

A/N: Hope that you all enjoyed that chapter. There is only one more chapter to go which will be just wrapping everything up. As always I love to hear your thoughts.