The warm soft glow flickers off the dark walls as I slowly light the last candle. I smile to myself and take a moment to relish in this peaceful atmosphere. The house is completely silent as the time crawls closer to the middle of the night, our children fast asleep while I prepare a night for my wife to just relax.
I glance at my phone again, noting it's almost midnight and hoping she will come sweeping in our bedroom door any minute now. All the lights are turned off, but I know she won't miss the illuminating twinkling coming from our ensuite.
The bathtub is filled with extra hot water, just the way she likes it. The calming scent of lavender fills the steamy room and washes away any nerves clawing their way to the surface. For some reason I'm oddly nervous about this little surprise.
My eyes wander down toward the skimpy silk lingerie, the vibrant ruby red clashing against my pale skin. Goosebumps pop all along my flesh, knowing that hungry animalistic glint that will sparkle in Regina's eyes when she sees this little number.
I take a gander at my phone again, noting the minutes slowly passing me by. I sigh, tentatively dipping my hand into the scolding water to test the temperature, confirming that my bath is now just lukewarm. I yank my hand out of the translucent waters and wipe my arm on a towel nearby. I can always refill the tub, I conclude, not wanting to put a damper on my mood.
So, I sit and I wait for my wife to come home. I wait until the bath water runs cold. I wait until I can no longer inhale the sweet aroma of lavender. I wait until the small tea light candles begin to flicker out.
Disappointment isn't a word good enough to explain the heart ache I'm experiencing as I finally give up and pull the drain from the tub. I watch as the water slowly is dragged through the opening and swirls as it leaves the tub. My heart beating furiously in my chest from the anger pulsating through my veins at my wife, yet again.
I begin blowing out the candles one by one, with my hot breath excessively exhaling from pure rage. I stomp around cleaning up the bathroom before I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
A sexy, silky, red dress on display, pushing my breasts together with the bottom of my ass hanging out for my wife to notice me. My cheeks are flushed from the fury stirring deep inside my gut and I just stare at myself. Pathetic is the only word that rings loud and clear in my mind.
I grit my teeth and storm off, slamming my feet against the floor as I go. I reach for the hem of the naughty outfit and rip it from my body like the material was digging deep into my flesh, tearing my skin apart. I toss the dress to the ground and rummage angrily through my dresser for an over sized t-shirt.
I huff and puff, more furious than the big bad wolf as I climb into bed. By myself. Again. With all my pent up rage, I force the duvet on top of my body and curl up into a ball, protecting myself from the outside world. I swallow thickly as that familiar sensation pricks my eyes. I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing the tears to spill down my cheeks once again.
XXXXXXXXX
"Good morning my dear," Cora sings as I trudge grumpily into the kitchen from the lack of sleep I endured last night.
I spent the entire night tossing and turning, knowing that my ex wife was just down the hall sleeping in our daughter's bed. It's been too long since we last slept in the same house and my skin was itching all night to climb out of bed and sneak into hers. It was pathetic how miserable I was because I just wanted to hold her in my arms again.
"Morning," I mumble back and sip my steaming hot mug.
"Are the children up yet?" She absentmindedly questions over her shoulder as she scans over the ingredients in her refrigerator to prepare another extravagant breakfast.
"Yes, they were right behind me," I gently set my coffee down on the counter and begin pulling out skillets and utensils to help Cora. "Maybe they stopped off at the barn," I continue and shrug not truly caring this early in the morning.
"And Regina?"
I groan to myself, even though I know my mother in law can hear my disgruntle protest loud and clear. "I highly doubt she'll be up anytime soon. I guarantee she's too exhausted from all her work and stress, her body is going to make her sleep like the dead."
The front screen door slams shut, informing us that my kids have finally made their way inside, except it's awfully quiet for four big mouths. I place one pan on top of the stove and begin peeling apart the bacon. My eyes flick toward the doorway to discover Regina lingering awkwardly over the threshold.
"Good morning mother...Emma," she breathes my name like the simple sound is far too complicated to pronounce and I flinch from the pain clenching in my chest.
"Good morning," I quietly reply and quickly avert my eyes down to my task.
"Well good morning dear, Emma was just saying that you were going to sleep in today," Cora smugly divulges on our private conversation, causing my entire body to flush. "I should have bet money on that claim," she teases as she sweeps through the kitchen and places a delicate kiss to her daughter's cheek.
Regina clears her throat awkwardly and it takes all the strength I can muster up to avoid her enchanting eyes. "Yes, well, I don't have the opportunity to see my children much anymore so I didn't want to waste a minute," she confesses, forcing my eyes to snap toward hers.
When I finally meet her gaze, she's already watching me closely. Those big brown eyes are glistening with thick emotions as we stare intently at one another. Another wave of heat rushes violently beneath my skin and I know I have to break this trance before I melt for her all over again. I offer her a weak smile and quickly fumble for the bacon once again.
"Speaking of, where are your children?" Cora inquires as she beats the eggs in a large bowl to prepare scrambled eggs.
"They are out in the barn with Rocinante," Regina hums, her adorable bare feet padding across the kitchen floor for a cup of coffee.
Then I freeze and furrow my brows. "Uh..." I stammer as I try to find the right way to acknowledge her mistake. "You mean Bandit," I blurt out instead like an inconsiderate fool.
"What?" Regina asks, but her mind is focusing on her hand pouring the dark liquid into her mug.
"You said Rocinante, you mean Bandit," I gently explain, still avoiding eye contact.
The room falls silent except for Cora's heavy sigh. I bite the inside of my lower lip while my nose scrunches out of fear of what's to come. I know how much that horse meant to her and I'm sure she didn't even notice her slip up. His name probably just rolled off her tongue like one of her medical words.
I peek over my shoulder and watch her tense shoulders slump uncharacteristically. "Yes, I meant Bandit," she exhales slowly and I can so vividly see the way her mind is short circuiting from her exhaustion. "Is there anything I can help with?" She suggests just to move past her slip up and change the subject.
I quickly snap back to the sizzling bacon in the pan and slowly turn the pieces back over. The front door bursts wide open again with our children chatting happily with each other and just like that all the tension evaporates from the tiny room.
"Why don't you start the French toast darling," Cora delegates and I can't help but roll my eyes at her obvious demand to force Regina and I to stand next to one another.
"Do we really need eggs and French toast?" Regina grumbles, but she hardly finishes her sentence before both our boys are screaming an assertive, 'yes'. "Alright, fine," she exasperates, but there's a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth and I know it's because her children are near.
I remove myself from the stove for just a moment to grab more creamer for my coffee, while Regina prepares the French toast. Noah is standing in the middle of the kitchen swinging on Sutton's crutches and giggling while Harper and her twin are deep in a private conversation. Henry rushes passed me so he can make it to the coffee pot before I can while I'm closing the refrigerator door behind me.
When I spin around I find myself face to face with my ex, completely startling both of us. "Sorry," she mutters, her thick eyelashes blinking rapidly in surprise.
"Excuse me," I softly whisper as I attempt to squeeze passed her and Noah swinging hazardously, but for some reason my feet just aren't moving.
"I just needed some milk," she explains while tucking a thick piece of hair behind her ear and god do I wish those fingers were mine. I miss the way her silky strands skimmed across my flesh as I brushed her hair away from her beautiful face. "Emma?" I blink away my thoughts and hum in response because suddenly my tongue is far too big for my mouth to even attempt words. "The milk."
"Right," I nod and decipher how I can squirm out of my trap. I glance to my right and come face to face with Henry, grinning like an idiot from ear to ear behind his coffee mug. "Move," I demand and slightly shove his shoulder causing him to bark out a laugh.
"You might wanna check the bacon, I think it's burning," Henry chuckles to himself before he leans into my side and lowers his voice, "or something else is on fire."
"Don't be gross." My entire face scrunches as I brush passed him and begin working on flipping the bacon once again.
Henry follows me toward the stove and leans against the countertop, watching me carefully. "I meant your face is on fire. You could not be more red right now ma," he laughs against his mug and slowly sips the steaming cup.
"Either go sit down or finish this bacon for the family," I coldly retort, inspiring my son to back away from my apparent flushed face with his hand held up high in surrender.
As Henry steps away, it isn't long before Regina is back, slapping the gooey bread onto the skillet. Our children's voices are filling the air to compensate for the awkward tension building around us, but I swear I can still feel all their curious little eyes raining down on my back. I swallow against the suffocating lump in the back of my throat and focus all my attention on the bacon.
How the hell am I going to survive a whole week with her so close to me?
"Emma?" I jump, throwing my hand recklessly against my chest to keep my heart from escaping my chest. "Sorry," she mumbles to herself while I watch her nervously sway out of the corner of my eye. "I was just wondering if you had any plans today?"
"Plans?"
"Yes, with the kids," she further explains and for some reason the weight of disappointment thuds angrily in the pit of my stomach, because there's still some stupid flicker of hope buried in my soul that maybe she would want to spend time with me.
"Oh, uh...I don't believe so...nothing set in stone."
"Great, maybe we can take them to Piazza del Duomo-"
"I already took them there, we also did the Jeep tour up Mt. Etna," I ramble as my eyes stare aimlessly at the grease sizzling and popping in front of me.
"Oh, alright. How about the Roman Theatre, that's something we haven't done before?"
"We?" I croak out as if a frog stole my throat and instantly I feel the warm rush of blood tingle my pale cheeks from embarrassment.
"Y-yes, if that's alright with you. I think the children would enjoy having both of us around without us arguing all the time. Don't you agree?"
"Of course I agree." I breathe out all my mental torment and begin placing all the cooked bacon onto a plate. "I think it's a great idea Regina," I conclude and turn away before any other stupid comments slip passed my lips.
XXXXXXXXX
The golden rays are almost too bright against the Sicilian sky, but I'm welcoming the sun with a smile upon my face and basking in the warmth it's providing against the bitter December air.
Sutton decided to sit this tourist event out and spend sometime with Cora, learning to make her homemade Sicilian sauce for pasta tonight. Her ankle must have been bothering her, despite her instant denial, so we chose not to push the subject any further.
Of course Noah is running down the streets full of energy with Henry right by his side, teasing him and playfully nudging him. Harper is walking alongside of Regina and I, her hands shoved into her coat pockets as her eyes sweep across every architectural building Catania has to offer. Our daughter's face lights up with every detail she studies and I can't help but wonder if she inherited that from Neal.
"Harper," Regina breaks through the silence but those hazel eyes are still consuming every curve, every structure, with astonishment. "You really seem to be enjoying the architectural aspect of these buildings," my ex notes as she too is absorbing everything this magnificent city has to offer.
"I love it, it's so...stunning," our daughter breathes with a broad smile slipping across her thin lips.
"I think you will really enjoy the Roman Amphitheater," Regina replies as her pearly white teeth shine bright against her parted red lips.
"Did you two ever come here together when you lived here Mom?" Harper curiously questions as her eyes flick in my direction. She's beaming with pure excitement and I know she's eager to hear about our time spent here before her and her siblings were born.
"Actually," I peek around Regina and smile at my beautiful daughter, "we never did make it here. I'm really excited myself to see this place." Harper nods along, satisfied with my answer, but the strain in Regina's throat as she swallows thickly resonates like a drum to my ear.
I take a chance and glance at my ex, my eyes scanning over her soft features as she remains focused on our destination. There's a light pink tinge brushing at her high cheekbones and I find myself wondering what could be flashing across that beautiful mind of hers. Even though she probably doesn't notice, I see right away how she's nibbling on the inside of her bottom lip, worrying about whatever is tormenting her brain as we arrive at our destination.
"Boys," Regina hollers, stilling both sets of feet ahead of us. "Over here," she points to the spot ahead of us, guarded by the metal rails.
Henry and Noah jog to where the three of us are standing and lean against the old hand rails. I take another step forward next to my youngest and place my hands upon his shoulders from behind.
"It's kinda small," Noah boldly comments as he leans on his tip toes to peer further down.
I mimic this action as well and peek down into the pit below. The scenario before me is somewhat of my expectations from the oval shape of the stadium built out of marble, lava stone and brick. Stone seating is descending all the way down into the pit of the arena, now wrapped in green vines and ivy from years of decay. However my son is correct, it's quite small and only a portion of the original Amphitheatre is left behind.
"Well, this was originally built in the second century, a lot of time and destruction has occurred since then. That includes seventeen volcano eruptions from Mt. Etna," Regina educates our family as we all peer over the railing into this pit of historical culture.
"How did the lava not destroy this entire building?" Harper questions, but she's so enveloped with the history surrounding her I don't think she truly realized her mouth was formulating words.
"It's a miracle actually," Regina breathes and that simple little sound demands my attention over the outstanding sight before me. My eyes flick toward my right to steal a glance of this amazing woman. "The lava never truly reached this building," she informs us through a content smile.
As my eyes take in her relaxed smile and her warm honey eyes, glowing in the bright sun, I'm suddenly all too aware that it was a moment like this in our past that made me fall in love with her the first time. We were both fresh out of complicated relationships and we had just met the night before, but I know in my heart when she dragged me all around Catania educating me on the history, that was the moment I fell head over heels in love with Regina Mills.
Big brown eyes slowly crawls their way into my direction understanding completely that I am watching her and remembering our beautiful past together. Regina swallows a harsh audible gulp when our eyes meet while my heart ceases in my chest. We are both trapped in a gaze that's pulling us down memory lane, demanding that we never forget about our time in Sicily where we fell in love. Emotions thick with heartache bubble up to the surface and lodge painfully in the back of my throat and I swear it's suffocating me. I can't seem to take in one simple breath as my eyes gloss over.
My ex offers me a small watery smile and I know she feels it too. We have always been so emotionally connected before four children and one demanding career interfered and stole all of that away. Her pain was once my pain and my heartbreak was hers, but all of that was washed away, until now.
"Moms!"
Regina and I flinch, our muscles trembling slightly before we both whip around to discover three sets of eyes watching us carefully.
"Sorry, what?" I murmur completely dazed from another time...another world.
"Can we go down there?" Noah asks, ignoring the awkward tension fizzling between our family.
"Sorry honey," Regina sighs and grasps his pointed chin, "if we want to, we would have to book a tour. Maybe another day," she suggests while her thumb methodically sweeps across his small chin.
"This is just amazing," Harper gushes as she leans a little closer into the hand rails. "Think about it," she absentmindedly states as her eyes roam over the ancient ruins. "How many centuries and time periods this one theatre has seen and now it's all in ruins and I can't help but wonder how beautiful it was back in the day."
"It had a good run," Henry chuckles, "but now, it's destroyed."
"Not destroyed," Regina rejects the accusation as her eyes gloss over and she becomes lost in thought. "Everything is always beautiful at first and we don't always anticipate what's to come, but sometimes life and natural disasters break down that beauty. Even though there's not much left, it's still standing, despite everything. After everything this building has been through and seen, there's still hope because it's still here. It's still beautiful, you just have to look passed the jagged edges and overgrown weeds from neglect. It's still a masterpiece."
I find myself absolutely enthralled by Regina's speech and I swear there is some hidden meaning to her monologue. I can almost feel her pleading with me to believe in her words and that maybe she was actually speaking about us.
Suddenly, my eyes are filling with tears and the lump in the back of my throat has completely blocked off my oxygen supply. I tear my eyes away from Regina and quickly wipe away any wetness before my family can see. I take one deep steady breath to regain my composure and wrap my arms around my youngest.
"Alright, who's ready for the fish market?"
"Fish?" Noah groans, "gross!"
"It's not just fish, honey," Regina chuckles as we follow her lead down the streets of Catania.
XXXXXXXXX
Aged grey stone walls scale high above our heads as we walk the narrow path into La Pescheria, the fish market in Catania. The overpowering scent of salty ocean waters and slimy fish fill the air, causing scowls to produce upon my children's faces. I glance over at Regina, but she's already turning to meet my gaze, both of us with smirks playing at our lips from our children's obvious disgust.
"Momma?" Harper calls over her shoulder as her head tilts back just a fraction to study the sculpture before her. Regina hums softly, slowly breaking apart our brief eye contact and follows our daughter's line of sight. "What's this fountain called?"
Henry and Noah lean onto the silver metal hand rails, their eyes inspecting every detail of the white marble raining down into a magnificent fountain. A young man stands tall at the top of the fountain where the translucent waters pools at his feet and tumbles down the extravagant sculpture below his feet. On either side, below his feet there are two other men upon their knees enveloped in the rain cascading around them. And again, I'm in awe by the intricate detail of this sculpture.
"This is called Baroque Amenano Fountain. It was named after a river but sadly that was buried after one of Mt. Etna's eruptions," Regina explains as her eyes scan the tremendous marble before us.
"You're so fascinating," I mumble as I become lost in the history of this marvelous city once again, but all too quickly I realize my mistake and freeze right on the spot.
Regina nervously chuckles besides me as her head falls forward, forcing her dark tresses to rain down around her face, shielding that beautiful blush I know is being hidden. "Thank you," she mutters, her eyes finding our shoes more interesting than the ancient history surrounding us.
"Sorry," I whisper, shoving my hands deep into my coat pockets.
My ex nods curtly just once before she turns on her heel and begins our adventure into the market pace. The children quickly scramble to follow their other mother, while I stay behind, willing my cheeks to cool down from the embarrassment of my big mouth.
"Ewww, look at that swordfish hanging!" Noah points out with the absolute look of disgust taking over his childlike features. Regina and I laugh lightly, avoiding more awkward glances while we follow our children. "You swore there was more to the this place than the disgusting smells and dead fish," he complains while he pretends to gag and throw up on the street in front of him.
"Oh knock it off," I laugh and shake my head.
"There's wonderful fruit and vegetable stands just a little further up. Why don't you kids run ahead and pick out some food to bring back to Nana's?" Regina suggest as she pulls out some money and offers the cash to Henry.
"Alright, sounds good," Henry agrees and leads the way for his siblings to follow along.
Regina and I pause for a moment before we slowly stroll behind our children. I'm so thankful my hands are busy tugging at loose strings in my coat pockets so my ex doesn't see my fingers trembling, itching to reach out and hold her hand as we walk the streets like we once did eighteen years ago.
"So," I drag out the small word as my mind fumbles for something to say through this mess of silence. "Uh, how did you manage the time off?"
Regina inhales sharply as her eyes stay glued to the back of Noah's head, keeping a close eye on our children. She exhales slowly and thrusts her hands into her long black pea coat as well.
"Well, we hired that new woman, Ashley, so despite my apprehension, Ivy and I discussed how Ashley would be taking on some of our patients if we are not available."
I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye how Regina's shoulders quickly tense from the small amount of information she just divulged in. I have to avert my eyes because I know this is so terribly hard for her and I just want to reach out and hold her to assure her that everything will work out in the end, but I can't, it's just not us anymore.
"And...you're okay with that?" I question even though I already know the answer, but I don't want us to fall into silence once again.
"No, not really, but I have to be. I can no longer work Saturday's. Henry was right, I only see my children on Sunday's now and that's simply not acceptable. Hopefully if things work out, Ashley can cover Saturday's."
"If?" I stress with a little more snippy attitude than I intended.
"Yes, if," she confirms assertively. "I don't know how well everything will turn out," she sighs and I can feel the heavy weight crushing upon her tired shoulders.
"But why is that different now? You've been working like this for eight years now," I inquire as my heart rate slightly increases and for some reason I grow defensive.
"I know, but...never mind. Why don't we discuss something else? How's work with you?" She hastily changes the subject, but I'm not following along, I'm still stuck on the issue of her deciding to work less now that we are about to divorce. Why the hell didn't she do this a year ago, when I was begging and pleading with her to spend time with our family?
"No, no," I stop dead in my tracks and turn to face the woman that used to be mine. My fingers move to their own accord and curl around her forearm to still her from walking away from this conversation. "Why now? Tell me," I demand, my grip tightening around her sleeve without my mind truly recognizing the action.
"Emma," she sighs, her eyes still avoiding mine, like if she takes a chance and meets my gaze she will instantly vanish from this planet.
"Regina, I need to know," I sadly plea, the emotions already bubbling up in the back of my throat, but I swallow them down, pretending to be brave. "Please."
"It's nothing really," she shifts her weight uncomfortably from one boot to the next and peeks over her shoulder to check on our children. When she knows that they are only a few stands ahead of us and perfectly safe, laughing at something ridiculous, she finally meets my glossy eyes. "Look Emma," she wiggles her arms free from my clutches and neurotically curls a chuck of hair behind her ear.
"God Regina, if you say it's because of Fiona-"
"What?" She shrieks and shakes those thick raven locks hazardously. "No! Why would you assume that?" I open my mouth to spew hateful words about her "colleague", but Regina's still shaking her head and cuts me off before I have a chance to speak. "No, Emma, it's just, when we were together, I was able to come home every night knowing my children were in their beds upstairs. Even though I didn't spend the entire day with them, the comfort of knowing they were there was always enough. Now...now I hardly ever see my children, except for Sunday's really and knowing that they aren't home when I come home at night..." the acidity words die upon her tongue and she tries so hard to swallow the foul taste back down.
She peers over her shoulder again at our beautiful children, that we created and raised together and suddenly the silence is deafening and the crumbling ache in my heart is far too much. My eyes fill with more insistent tears and I hate how much I care about her wellbeing after all this time apart.
"I need to spend more time with them," she croaks out and the weight of her words thump heavily in the pit of my stomach. I think I might be sick. "I can't keep assuming everyone will just be there when I decide to come around, if I don't show that I'm willing to try." She swallows and it's the harshest sound I've ever heard rip between us. "I already lost you. I'm on the verge of losing Henry. I-I can't keep going on like this," she finally admits, sending my heart soaring, but then she spins on her heel and rushes away from me before I have a chance to blink.
And from a far, I watch Regina wrap Noah tightly into a motherly bear hug while he laughs without a worry in the world. I watch as she leans forward and kisses Henry's cheek and for once he doesn't shy away. I watch as she curls Harper's long blonde hair around her finger just as she always did, like she used to do with me before our children were born and I melt for this woman all over again.