A/N yea I don't own anything to do with Twilight, I just like effing around with the characters. WAIT! I mean I own some of this stuff just not anything Twilight related. I really love playing with stories from my early 20's, so very different than my Teens, but that's a different story..Cheers and enjoy!
Meanwhile back in a bedroom...
"Jasper! You freak, get the fuck out of my bedroom!" screeched Isabella, scrambling to put on some clothes.
"Edward?"
"Alice?"
"You two know each other? Oh wait Ali, is this your cousin from England? The one you were talking about last night? You know he is in bed with my very best friend as we speak. OH MY GOD, who I just saw naked. I swear, Bee I only saw skin, no nips or muff. ARRGH thank god for that! I didn't see twig either. Oh my god, my fucking eyes. Thinking at the thought of seeing that. Well we should let you two, erm, get dressed me and Ali will be out in the living room, 'k Bee?
" Think we got time for another go, Luv?"
"Edward! No! Jeez, Jazz is in the living room with your cousin, I met part of your family in my goddamned, fucking birthday suit!"
"One thing about Alice is she won't bloody care Luv, Hippie as they come, remember? Now come on over here and give us a kiss."
"Har har har, funny. Think you're the next Bill Hicks? Come on, let's get dressed."
"Who is Bill Hicks, Darling?"
"Are you fucking kidding me? Bill Hicks is..was the best standup comedian ever. I have a few bootlegs of his comedic genius. After we wake up tomorrow, I'm so going to school you on that stuff."
EPOV: My heart does a flip flop. Did she say tomorrow? I will be with MY woman, all night and possible all day? My mind still can't get it straight that this goddess wants to be with me. No one wanted me back home except for Tanya, and well, we all know how THAT ended. I think of all the things we can do. I need to get my hands on my paints from Alice and Lucy's house today.
"Alright luv, I would love to hang out and watch your Bill Hicks. I didn't want to assume anything, but I would love to stay over. I do need to get a few things, though. Would you like to accompany me to my Aunt's later?"
`"At the risk of Jazz coming back in here to ask us what the fuck is taking so long, I would like to say that I think you should stay here, we can bang out the details later, Ok Sweetie-Pooks?"
EPOV: Ten feet high, that's how tall I feel, I also feel my stupid grin coming on. Isabella absolutely inspires me, she is everything lovely and good and sweet, like her cinnamon smell...Love.
"If you are sure I wouldn't be imposing on your space here. I would love to stay here. Thank you Luv."
meanwhile in the living room...
"Ali. Pssssst! Ali! That's your fucking naked cousin in Bee's room? I thought you said he was a bit innocent? How well do you know him? Like for real? You said it had been years since you had seen him. How do you know he's not one of those fucked up leather and chains kind of guys? Beezy is sort of sensitive. I just don't want to see some jackoff have his dirty, nasty way with her."
"Jazz, please do not worry. Yes it's true I haven't seen my cousin in the flesh for years, but that doesn't mean we have stopped all communication. We write and talk on the telephone all the time. He's a good sort, I promise. He's been a bit lonely. I'm very glad he came to the U.S. for a visit. I just know from the moment I saw Bee's lily-white arse that she was a sure thing. Now that all that has been said, let's wait for them to come out here and then we can go back to my house to pack up the few things Edward brought with him. You do know that he will be staying here now right? I knew it, so perfect for each other!"
"What? How do you know that?Are you psychic?"
"Maybe a little bit Jazzy, now shush, they're going to be coming into the living room in 30 no, 25 seconds."
exactly twenty-five seconds later...
"Well, now that we're all decent, I should introduce myself to you properly, Alice. I'm Bee and don't believe any of the stories Jazz has told you about me. Welcome to my 'Pod.' What it lacks in size, it makes up for in lighting, best natural light this side of The Green Village. Could I get you some coffee or tea maybe?"
"Tea would be brilliant Bee, thanks so much, do you need any help? Oh, please tell me, do you have any biscuits as well? Let's go into the kitchen to see what sort of nosh you have."
EPOV: The chatter of Isabella and Alice slowly fades as they reced into the kitchen. I am now alone with Jazz. Fucking CHRIST! He doesn't look like much but it was always the skinny lads in school that were the best fighters. FUCK! I will admit that I'm shit scared of what Jazz is going to say to me, time to face the music.
"So, well, uh, how do you do? I'm Edward Cullen. It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm terribly sorry that I couldn't properly introduce myself earlier. You must be Jazz. Bella has told me a little bit about you and all the absolutely crazy things you did together."
"Hmm right, listen Hugh Grant, I don't know if I can say it's a pleasure. I know how long you're staying in this country, so if you're just in this for a quick screw, you gotta another thing coming Fuckward." Jazz stares at me with intensity. "That little girl in the kitchen right now, went through fucking hell over Christmas. She was just starting to come back to us all. Her parents wanted to cancel their trip. Bee wouldn't let them because her folks are the fucking best. They took me in. They...she..didn't want to ruin their anniversary trip. That's how fucking rad she is. So listen, if you're going to pull a weird sex-romp, Benny Hill type thing, you can just fuck right off. You have to be all in, or I will fuck you up. Big time. They will never, ever find the body. I don't give a shit what anybody does to me, but if some assfuck, that's potentially you by the way, does any harm to the closest thing I've got to a sister. Well let's just say you better hope that accent of yours can get you out of the mess. Do I make myself clear, Hugh? Oh, and you can call me Jasper, only my close friends get to call me "Jazz", we got an understanding?"
GULP! I fucking knew it! The skinny ones, it's always the fucking skinny ones that can kill a man with their thumb. I am so dead, but really I didn't defile her. Jesus H, I was the fucking virgin, until last night, when I made sweet passionate love to the most beautiful woman, her breasts the curve of her hips as I... SHITE! Jasper is looking right at me, waiting for a bloody answer.
"I understand you perfectly Jasper. I promise I won't hurt Isabella, she's different than any girl I've ever known. She's very special and unique. Her heart might as well be my heart. I-I-I would do anything for her, she has captured my soul, means the world to me."
"Jesus Christ, you even talk like Hugh Grant. Look, I'm sure we'll be the best of mates or whatever you fancy English Bitches say, but for now I got my eye on ya, Ok? We'll have to take this trust thing a bit slow. Just because Bee really digs and trusts you, doesn't mean I have to."
Oh for the love of sweet Haribo, now I'm starting to get pissed off. I understand Jasper is protective of Isabella, but this is just ridiculous. She's a big girl and he did show up with my hippie-dippie cousin, of all people! Well, two can play the protective arse game..AHEM.
"I hope soon you will trust me Jasper,but enough of that. I could say the same for you, I mean you did show up at Isabella's flat with my dearest cousin, hmmmm? Alice is a free spirit, trusting in the wrong sort of people herself. You could be another one that leads her astray, and then I would have to kick your arse into the ground and no one would find your body, because why would they suspect the proper Englishman. Do I make MYSELF clear?"
The staring contest lasted until Isabella and Alice came back into the living room, the spell broke by the sound of Bee's voice.
BPOV: "For fuck sakes Jazz, can you not go all 'Major Whitlock' on him? Leave him alone, 'An' stoppa that growlin'. You sound like a big 'ol bar."
"Jeez Beezus, would you stop with the movie quotes? I can't be properly angry when you start with that 'Coal Miner's Daughter' shit!"
"Hey, 'Coal Miner's Daughter' was not shit. It had a quality to it. Sissy deserved her best actress Oscar," huffed Isabella, crossing her arms. "'Sides Jazz, Levon Helm played an awesome dad."
"Phfft, please Beez, best dad in a movie goes to John Doe in 'Great Balls of Fire.' He was going to fucking shoot the dude that married his thirteen year old daughter, in 'Coal Miner's Daughter,' her dad just let it fucking happen, so not cool."
"Well Jazzercise, we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one! Now with that out of the way, mind telling me what you were talking to Edward about, hmm? You better be making nice with him, or I'll have to hunt you down like an animal if you hurt my boyfriend."
"Boyfriend? Jeez Beez, you don't waste time do ya? S'Ok, just giving your English muffin here a hard time. COME ON! You wouldn't let me kill the Nasty Professor, and my Grand Pappy's gun needs a good workout."
"Jesus H, Jazz, your grandfather didn't even own a gun after World War Two, and second of all, YOU haven't the first fucking idea how to shoot one yourself. Sorry Edward, Jazz likes to think of himself as this fantastic war hero. We went through a war movie phase last Summer and it seems to have stuck with him." I roll my eyes at you Jazz. "ANYWAYS. So Alice, tell me more about the expansion idea you had with your Mom's store."
JPOV: Well goddamn, Beezrella finally got herself a man. 'Bout fucking time too, after that fucking cocksucker she dated for two years. Ohh fuck man, if that prickface ever darkens the doors of The Grind Machine again, he better fucking hope I'm not there. I was serious when I said I would kill a man that ever hurt my poor Bee, or any of her family. They are the best thing that ever happened to a slob like me. My "parents" were nothing to fucking write home about. Assholes. You'd think I was born into pure trash but nooooooooooooo Mr. and are the cream of the crop with the fruity high society. They just forgot that they had a kid at home. My earliest memory is my mother putting on her makeup and my Father putting on his cufflinks. There was no-one to look after me, not since my Mother found my Father about to be serviced by the babysitter, Carmen was her name. Years later I thought I got him back by telling dear Father that I fucked her on my 14th birthday. He did look jealous. Too bad Asshole, you got a lousy two minute wank and an almost blow job from her, while I got a fucking home run. Take that old man. My relationship with Carmen lasted a year, but we both knew that it wasn't going anywhere. I was just using her for the sex and she was using me for my big dick. The next girl I dated was Maria. Holy fuck, what a nut job. Thank fucking god she moved away. Even then it was tough getting rid of her. But Alice...Ali, she's everything I could want, for the first time in my life it wasn't about getting my parents back, it wasn't about dating the "right sort of girl." I get to be "me" with Ali. It's easy, simple, relaxed, and yes, I think I could get used to that.
"Hey Jazz. Dude snap out of it! You look constipated. Or ready to 'bust a nut' as you so eloquently put it most days. What are you thinking of?"
"Beez, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. So what are we doing now? Can we go and eat? I'm fucking starving. And before you saying anything, no I don't want to go to that Ethiopian restaurant. It takes three hours to get your meal, remember? Yea I barely do too, because of all the wine we drink before, we're usually too drunk to fucking eat the pulverized food anyways. So no, Beezersaurus, let's go to that weird Japanese restaurant with the Buddha glasses filled with booze, yea? Yea? Pleeeease, Beez I wanna drink out of the Buddha's belly." Jazz's pleading eyes were enough for Bee to totally give in, he had been doing that face for years now and it hadn't let him down yet.
"Ohhhh alright Jazz we can show our Brits just how much of an animal you are in a restaurant. But not too much ok? Let's not have them running for the hills."
"Har de har har, Beez. I like to eat my sushi rolls a certain way. See what you two don't know," Jazz points to Edward and Alice, "is that Bee here got it in her head to film me eating various sushi rolls on her Super-8, black and white, all dreamy like with enough vaseline on her lens to make Guy Maddin proud of her. Anyways, half way through a Philidelphia roll I started to choke. Like turn blue, lose consciousness type of thing. What does she do? Kept filming, said it was going to be her best scene yet. The damn roll had unrolled down my throat. Thankfully I managed to reach down and grab it out. Turned me off eating them for a few years, until I started eating them how I do now, which is to cut them up. Bee thinks it's so barbaric. I say it's to save my life, since she won't lift a finger for the sake of art. I must say though, you did kick ass at the Seattle Film Festival, you were the toast of that Fest. 'Garcon Manger' won best short, and Guy Maddin did fucking love it."
"Shhhh Jazz, you're going to make me blush. Alrighty then, let me make a reservation for eight p.m, that way we can go to Lucy's beforehand and get Edward's stuff."
"You know Luv, I would very much like to see that short film. You have a great talent and I would be a daft idiot to not want to support you. Maybe we could watch it sometime, unless you would be too uncomfortable?"
"That would be awesome Edward. Yea sure we can watch it. Maybe sometime you can help me film more stuff?"
"I think I could be a great service to you my Love, I think we should hurry to Lucy's, though. I'm rather curious to see Jasper eat sushi rolls and I am dying to drink out of a Buddha's belly. Aunt Lucy is going to love you and I'm thrilled to be introducing you to her as my girlfriend."
A/N Ohhhhh! Meeting the Rad Aunt Lucy next chapter should be interesting...VERY interesting. Guy Maddin is a real person, he's a Director from Winnipeg and his dream-like films are really quite magical. OK, So much story left. I have no idea when it's going to end. I do know what I'm going to be writing in the next few chapters, here's hoping it won't take me three freakin' weeks like this chapter did. RL sometimes sucks the good from us eh? ANYWAYS would like to give a big smooshy hug to my total Bestie stillwater72...go and read her stuff now, her three stories are nine kinds of awesome! Cheers Kiki