Fear and anxiety ripped through the Commander like hot steel as his eyes frantically darted over and scanned every face of those that scrambled into the chantry. A breath he did not know he was holding escaped him as Sera and Cassandra bolted through the door, along with the Herald's newest tag-a-long in the Tevene mage. The lithe elf was close behind, helping a soldier shove the door closed and bar it. He started to run for her. "Herald!" he called to her. Her gaze met his, tired and heavy from the onslaught of corrupted Templars she waded through to make it to the chantry. He stopped mere inches away from her, his nose tickling with the ozone that rolled off of her. The smell of her raw lightning magic, it was a smell he started to find comfort in knowing she was no porcelain doll that needed protection.

"Herald our position is not good. That dragon bought back any time you may have earned us," he hated seeing that look on her face. The look she got when things went sour. One of defeat and unworthiness. They were all on borrowed time, he thought briefly of his feelings for her. This may have been his last breath before the chantry roof fell ontop their heads and he would have regretted to not mention it but, maybe if he hadn't his luck would turn around. He did have that tarnished coin burning into the pocket of the trousers he wore under his legplates after all.

The odd boy peered up at the pair from the brim of his hat. "I've seen an archdemon. I was in the Fade but it looked like that," his voice was cool and calm for someone so young in the middle of a warzone. Cullen didn't trust this boy but he really had no choice in the matter.

The Commander's voice was sharp as he turned to the boy with a sneer. "I don't care what it looks like, boy, it has cut a path for that army! They will kill everyone in Haven."

The boy sat on the floor unphased by the aggressive Commander. "The Elder One doesn't care about the village, he only wants the Herald."

A deep exhale from the elven mage caused Cullen's gaze to snap in her direction. "If it will save Haven, the he can have me." Her voice was cool and composed.

Cullen's heart skipped a beat in his chest at her words. Only for his stare to shoot back down on the boy. "It won't," he said simply. "He wants to kill you. No one else matters to him, but he'll crush them, kill them anyways. I don't like him."

The Commander sputtered for a moment. "You don't like him?" The blond man shook his head before his gaze returned to the Herald. "Herald... Ruki.. I know of no tactics to make this survivable." Cullen shook his head. "The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could.. turn the remaining trebuchets! Cause one last slide."

Ruki shook her head, letting out an exasperated chuckle. "We're overrun, Commander. To hit our enemy we'd bury Haven."

"We're dying," Cullen breathed helplessly at the sudden wet sheen in the Herald's amethyst eyes. "We are all going to die. But we can decide how, many do not get that choice."

A sharp laugh from the Tevene mage caught his ear but not his gaze as the mage retorted: "You sure do like death don't you, Commander? You know for a Templar you sure do think like a blood mage!"

Faint mumbling from the boy redirected Cullen and Ruki's attention from Dorian to him, as the boy peered up and said: "There is a way we can help! Chancellor Rodrick wants to say it before he dies!"

The dying man went on to explain how there was a path in the mountains, one he took during his summer pilgrimage long ago. That they could escape through the mountains from there. How he must have remained alive to help the Inquisition's forces and settlers escape and praised Andraste for allowing him more time.

The elf's eyes darted to Cullen before a deep sign escaped her. "You need to get out of here. Now. I will buy you all the time I can." The elf gripped her staff as she headed for the door, only for her head to snap back at the sound of the Seeker, the Jenny, and the 'Vinter readying their gear. "No, you need to stay with the rest of the forces. Protect them from any stragglers."

Cullen stared hopelessly at her. "What of your escape?" His heart fluttered in his chest irregularly as she turned his gaze back from him and towards the barred door. "Perhaps you can surprise it... find away to... to."

"As I said, Commander. I will buy you all the time you need." The crystal orb on the tip of her staff crackled with arcane lightning as she started for the door.

Cullen closed the gap in between himself and the Herald and bore deep into her eyes. Maybe he should say it now? No, it would be best not to jinx such a thing. With a heavy sigh he placed a hand on her shoulder and gripped it tightly, as if pleading with her to turn and run with him. "If we are to have a chance, if you are to have a chance." The Commander gave her a sad smirk. "Let that thing hear you." He felt the shoulder of the herald slip through his fingertips and watched the door close behind her.

The anxiety returned watching lightning spark from the middle of camp and the hiss of the archdemon rang through the valley. Varric's voice called out to him to wake him from his trance. "Bianca and I are ready when you are Curly," the dwarf said loading a flaming bolt into his crossbow.

Cullen watched helplessly as the last of the survivors tread in the heavy snow past him, like a child he squeezed his eyes shut. "Fire," he felt his soul tear in two as the release on Bianca snapped and soar into the night sky followed by the sound of boulders tumbling and wooden cabins crushing under their weight. He opened his eyes and blinked as the snow settled and the archdemon faded into the night as quickly as it appeared.

"If anyone could have made it out of there, it would be her." Varric patted the Commander on his back before he turned to follow the rest of the Inquisition. Cullen sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the ruined village before he too turned and started up the mountain.

The anxiety had been replaced with mourning as the Commander stared into the restless blizzard on the edge of the new camp. Snow and ice stuck to his hair and mantle as his nose and ears redden in the cold. Tears stained his cheeks and jawline, stinging his already burning face. He blinked heavily, trying to get them to stop, but they just kept running down his face as he stared into the night. He hoped and prayed for the slightest sign of life, her life, either a cry or a flicker of magic from her or her Mark. He searched his brain for every sour word or glance he had given to the elf and apologized for it silently. He should have acted on his infatuation with her sooner. He should have helped her. He mourned for the woman his pride never let him get to know fully. A woolen blanket being draped from his shoulders didn't cause him to stir as he still stared into the unforgiving blizzard. He reached up and gripped it tightly and tugged it closer to him, his jaw clenching. All he wanted was to be left alone and yet someone -

"You are going to freeze," Cassandra's voice seemed as cold as the wind that bit through his clothes. "Please come sit by the fire. You are being ridiculous, Commander."

"If your Herald is alive," Dorian responded. "She wouldn't want to come home to a frozen Commander."

Just as Cullen opened his mouth to agree the fainted flicker of green caught his eye. His eyes widened with relief as he cried out: "There she is!" He ran for her, as fast as his legs allowed. He called out her naked name repeatedly as she weakly clutched her side and staggered towards him. As he approached her slumped against his armor as she wheezed his name, dried blood caked to her face and hair. Her amethyst eyes fluttered as she looked up at her Commander as the pair fell to their knees in the snow. He reached to his shoulders and unclasped his chestplate while removing the blanket from his shoulders along with his own mantle and wrapped her tightly in them. He scooped her up in his arms as he rose to his feet, holding her tightly to his chest to share what little body heat he had. Oh how shivered against his chest as she buried her face in the blanket Cassandra and Dorian were on his heels, with the Seeker wrapping the elf in her own cloak while collecting the Commander's discarded armor. The mage conjured a small fireball in his hands in and huddled to close to the Commander and elf. "We're here, Ruki. We've got you," the Commander cooed. His heart sank when he heard a small moan of agony muffled against his chest. Her body shook as her breathing hitched and grew unsteady. "No," he whimpered.

"Stay with me!" the Commander gasped as he jolted from his sleep. He blinked furiously as the unforgiving frozen mountains surrounding him faded into the a covered wagon with the Inquisitor, Spymaster, and Ambassador staring blankly at him.

"Cullen?" Ruki cooed sweetly as she took his hand in her own. "Are you alright?"

Cullen felt his face warm as he shifted his gaze from the women. "I am. I apologize for disturbing you." He gave Ruki's hand a subtle, yet firm squeeze. He was not fine. Another nightmare his sweet Inquisitor was yanked into. Torment me, he pleaded to himself, leave her out of this.

"You were kicking and yelling in your sleep Commander, we were all worried for you yet we didn't want to wake you," Josephine sighed.

"Indeed," Leliana simply stated. "Does this happen often?"

"No," Cullen reassured, lying of course. He was always plagued with bad dreams but he thanked the Maker this one was milder than most he had. "It's probably from stress about the ball is all."

Josephine and Leliana seemed satisfied with his answer as they rolled in their seats to try to get back to sleep in the rocking wagon.

Ruki, however, who had shared a bed with the Commander twice before, shook her head. She laid against him as she pulled her blanket tighter against her. "I'll protect you, tough guy," she cooed in a teasing matter.

The Commander smiled, snaking his arms around the Inquisitor's waist and pulling her in between his thighs as he twisted to rest his head on the pillows he had scrunched up near one of the arm rests of the wagon seats. He smiled at the way she settled on his chest and purred to herself in content. "Go back to sleep," he whispered as he stroked her hair. He stared up at the roof of the wagon and sighed as he felt his elf pull a blanket round them tight and grow lax in her attempt to fall asleep. He meant what he murmured into her lips in the rain. He loved her. He was thankful she hadn't heard him, it was cheesy and elementary of him like something from a bad romance novel. For now he would wait to tell her again when the time was right, but even mumbling it into her mouth as they kissed gave him the courage to say it again. He could still almost feel the cool rain on his face, the smell of her perfume, the way she looked up at him with sparkly eyes and the way her eye make-up ran down her face and framed her cheekbones. Maker she was a beautiful sight. He closed his eyes and almost pictured glancing down at her as they danced, her head over his heart, as she told him it was okay. She had never expected perfect from him, she took him for what he was worth but Kinloche and Kirkwall alike gnawed at his brain. Cullen wanted nothing more than to run from his sins, to bury them in a trunk in the middle of nowhere and forget them. The nightmares, the demons, the screaming. It haunted him. He was never proud of the angry man he was, that man was still around until Ruki fell unceremoniously into his life.

He remembered watching the doctors tend to her as she was in her comatose state after the first attempt to seal the Breach in the sky. How small and frail she was, still is. The Commander could never imagine that those violet eyes would flare open and shake the foundation of his world. And elf and a mage, his mind flicked briefly to his adolescent crush and it caused him to chuckle. Surana was indeed a beautiful woman but looking back on it, she must have found him like an adorable puppy. She had to have been, what, nearly forty at the time she was in the Circle? Being twenty years his senior didn't dampen his youthful aspirations though. Her name slipped though his fingertips but he still pictured that face. Raven black hair, olive skin, deep sapphire eyes and a freckle under her left eye. Maybe it was his fate to fall hopelessly for elven mages but, with Ruki sleeping peacefully, with little kitten-like snores escaping her, everything with the Inquisitor felt so right. Dare he say it was meant to be. Cullen gripped the mage tight to him as he felt himself sink into sleep. Maker please let me have one good night's rest.

Time blurred together for the Commander. He couldn't tell if he had been staring at this letter from Josephine for minutes, hours, or even days. A dull pain throbbed in the back of his head as he tried to focus on the frilly cursive that adorned the page. The letters merged together as the ringing in his head grew louder with each tick of the standing clock in his office. With a growl he rose to his feet and made his way to the door. He staggered briefly, but recomposed himself as he pushed the door open. Has the sun always been this bright? Cullen squinted in the daylight as he made his way down the stairs. Two days prior they returned to Skyhold, the Inquisition buzzing about their victory and the public affair between the Commander and the Inquisitor. So much for keeping our affairs private. Cullen had tried his best to put on a warm face for his Inquisitor, but the pain from his headaches grew worse. She had been distracted that day, and he was uncharacteristically thankful for it. He couldn't bare for her to seem him in this manner. He lost his footing on the stairs and thankfully caught himself on the stones, his short nails scraping against the cobblestone. He muttered a curse as he pulled himself to his feet and went down the last few stairs. He glanced towards the forge, Cassandra's usual spot where she spent her days. She had promised as Seeker she would keep constant watch over him, not taking his lyrium, to look out for dangers. He felt himself slipping. He couldn't keep the strong face anymore. His body ached with the age twice his own, he hadn't slept well in months, his head - Maker his head - pounded with each beat of his heart. As he shoved the door to the smithy open he found the Seeker there, inspecting the repairs that had been done to her sword.

The Seeker glanced over at the sound the door falling shut and greeted him with a half smile. "Commander," she nodded as she turned to him fully.

Cullen felt his stomach lurch and twist in hunger as he wrapped his arms tightly around his abdomen as if he were trying to keep his guts from spilling out onto the floor of the smithy. "It's time," he winced. "You need to take my place as Commander, Cassandra. I can't do this!"

The Seeker's eyebrows scrunched together as she took a questioning step towards him. "You can't do this?" she hissed. "For what reason?" Her arms folded against her chest and she stood there, tapping her foot on the floor as if she were about to scold him.

"I just can't disappoint the Inquisitor," Cullen found it in himself to stand straight. "I cannot function like this anymore, and I cannot drag her down with me. Please, let me run away into the night."

Cassandra spat and within a blink of an eye the Commander found himself staring up at her. The Commander flinched, half expecting the Seeker to smack him as she spoke. "And you think disappearing into the night would be better than her seeing you ill?! Cullen, you absolute shit, that would break her entirely. She adores you and you know as good as I do that she would blame herself!"

Cullen took a step back from the Seeker and growled. "It would save her the heartache in the end! Would you rather her find me dead or clawing at the walls from madness?!"

Cassandra rolled her eyes at the Commander as she sighed. "You are being absolutely childish and dramatic right now. I am not replacing you, and that is the end of this discussion."

"The fuck it is!" Cullen spat as his face screwed into a scowl. "You said you would -"

Cassandra's face grew sterner as she spoke. "You asked for my opinion and I have given it to you. Why would you expect it to change? Even after all this time -"

"I expected you to keep your word!" Cullen hissed. "This pain, it's relentless! I can't -" Cullen winced as he clutched his head. Maker please let this pain end. In death or any other way I don't care how.

"You give yourself too little credit!" Cassandra's hands went to her hips as she squinted at him in anger.

He lifted his hands from his head as he glared towards the Seeker. "If I am unable to fulfill what vows I kept then nothing good has come from this!" The Commander took two long strides over to the Seeker and met her glare with his own. "Would you rather save face than admit - ?!"

Cullen's temper plummeted as the door to the smithy creaked open and the violet-eyed Inquisitor poked her head into the door. Maker, he breathed a sigh of regret. She must have heard the fighting. He stared as his lover hopelessly as she strode towards the pair. All he could do his hang his head as he whispered to the elf as he strode by her. "Forgive me."

[POV Switch]

Ruki watched the Commander leave out the door, confused. What was there to forgive? Granted that was one of the few times she had seen her ever-growing reclusive Commander the past couple days.

"And people say I'm stubborn," the Seeker's growling caught the attention of the Inquisitor. "This is ridiculous." The Seeker was glaring out the door as it shut behind the Commander, as if she were hoping he heard her. Her gaze softened slightly as she turned to the Inquisitor. "Has Cullen told you that he's no longer taking lyrium?"

Ruki nodded. He had admitted it to her, before they even started seeing each other privately. "He has, and I respect his decision."

Cassandra's stance and shoulders relaxed as she nodded. "As do I. Not that he's willing to listen," she paced over to the elf, her head shaking. "Cullen asked me that I replace him as Commander," before Ruki could open her mouth to interject her displeasure the Seeker continued, her brow arched as the Seeker spoke. "I refused. It is not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He's come so far since the irate man I met years ago."

"But," Ruki searched her mind for reasoning. When she couldn't find any she looked back up at the Seeker. "Why didn't he come to me?" she glanced at the floor and folded her arms. She was hurt, why hadn't he trusted her with this?

The Seeker sighed and put a hand on Ruki's shoulder, trying to shake her out of it."We had an agreement long before you came into our lives. As a Seeker I could evaluate dangers he or others may not be able to notice. And he would never want to risk your disappointment, Inquisitor."

Ruki sighed, shaking her head. "It still doesn't make sense, but," Ruki glanced up at Cassandra. "Is there anything we can do to change his mind?"

Cassandra removed her hand from the Inquisitor and turned to the fires of the forge. "If anyone could, I believe you would be the one to do it. The mages have always made their suffering known. Though Templars never had. The remain bond to the Order, mind and soul, with always someone holding their lyrium leash." The Seeker turned towards the Inquisitor and gave her a solemn look. "Cullen has a chance to break his leash, and prove to himself - and any other that would follow suit - that it is possible!" Her gaze returned to the fire, and the Inquisitor joined her. "He can do this, I believe in him and I've known that since we've met in Kirkwall. Talk to him, decide if now is the time." The Seeker nodded to the Inquisitor and took her leave.

Ruki stood in the smithy, staring into the flames as if she were waiting for them give her an answer. She folded her arms as she thought. She cared for Cullen deeply, as a lover, a friend, and as an adviser. She couldn't stand to see him suffer but, Cassandra was right, if anyone could break their leash it would be Cullen. He's stronger than he thinks, and she would be willing to stand by him - regardless of his choice.

She hastily made her way to the office door only to freeze when she heard someone get sick on the other side. She considered knocking, or coming back another time. She shook her head and pushed the door open, now was not the time to be shy. The Commander needed his Inquisitor, and Cullen needed his Ruki. As she strode through the door a wooden box whizzed past her face, the wind of it tussling her hair, and it crashed into the opened door next to her. The elf blinked in surprise as she turned her gaze towards the source of the flying object.

Cullen gasped, his face pale and forehead dripping with sweat. A few strands of his blond hair refused to be smoothed back into his pompadour as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Maker's breath! I... I swear I didn't hear you enter! I -" Cullen sighed, shaking his head. "Please forgive me."

Ruki watched as the Commander slowly made his way around the other side of his desk, she rested her left hand on her hip as her face twisted in concern. "Cullen, I'm here if you need to talk," she cooed.

Cullen gave an exasperated chuckle. "You don't have -" the Commander gasped in pain as his knees buckled and he slumped against his desk. As Ruki took strides to check on him Cullen held out a to keep her back from him, as if he was afraid he'd hurt her. "I never wanted this to interfere with us." His voice was hoarse, his confidence gone. He was a shell of himself as he propped himself up with one arm against his desk, as if he couldn't stand on his feet. The pained expression his face was screwed in...

Oh vhenan...

"Cullen, are you alright?" Ruki carefully approached him and met his pained gaze with soft, apologetic eyes.

"Yes," Cullen sighed and shook his head, gazing down at his feet. "I don't know actually." The Commander pushed himself off the desk and made his way to the window. Ruki carefully sat on his desk, careful not to disrupt it too much, just to watch Cullen gaze out of it. "Back at Haven, you had asked me what happened in the Ferelden circle." As Cullen spoke, he never once looked to Ruki. As if he were monolouging to himself. "It had been taken over by abominations. The Templars - my friends - were slaughtered." A pitiful chuckle escaped him as his shoulders shook, Ruki noted the half-sob voice he continued to speak in. "I was.. tortured. They tried to break my mind and I -" Cullen shook his head as he snorted through his nose. "How can you be the same person after that!?" Cullen turned to Ruki, his eyes red with tears that stained his cheeks. His brow scrunched together as he made his way towards his bookshelves. "But still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I put my trust in my Knight-Commander and for what, hm? Her fear of mages ended in madness." Cullen rested his hands on the shelves for support as his head hung low. "Kirkwall's circle fell. Dozens of innocent people died in the streets like animals to the slaughter." Cullen slowly turned to the Inquisitor, his face screwed in a sad scowl. "Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life!?"

Ruki blinked, the demons that haunted her lover.

Cullen... "Of course I can." Ruki went to hop off his desk to comfort him when his hands flew up to stop her again.

"Don't!" the Commander's eyebrows drooped as he sighed. "You should be questioning everything I've done, especially as a mage."

Ruki watched him pace by his bookshelves, her hands on her hips. Clearly Cullen just needed a shoulder to cry on, and she was here to be that shoulder.

"I thought this would be better - that I could regain some control over my life!" Cullen continued, hissing through gritted teeth. "But these thoughts won't leave me!" His breathing quickened as his started to fidget with his hands, his pacing growing faster in the tight space. "How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause! I swore myself to you! I will not give less to the Inquisition, to you, than I did the chantry!" The Commander balled his hand into a fist as his growled. "I should be taking it!" In a whirlwind of rage the Commander cried out and punched his bookshelf with all his might.

The elf's eyes widened in surprise as she watched the wood crack and book rattle, some of them toppling to the floor around him.

"I should be taking it," Cullen whimpered.

Ruki couldn't take it, the man she cared for a puddle of self-loathing from the shitty life he's had. The elf's brows scrunched together as a snarl erupted from her throat. "FUCK THE INQUISITION!" she roared.

Cullen whirled around in surprise, his eyes wide as he stared at his Inquisitor in shock, his mouth slight agape.

Ruki's scowl grew deeper as she puffed her chest. "Fuck the Inquisition! Fuck the chantry! Fuck Josephine, fuck Leliana! Fuck me even! Fuck Corypheus! Fuck the fucking hole in the sky! Cullen!" she snapped, angry tears running down her face. "This has never been about the Inquisition! Cullen is this what you're wanting?! Not what anyone else wants! Just you."

Cullen stared for a moment in before he sided, his head drooping. "No," he answered softly.

Ruki made her way over to him, cupping his face in her hands.

Cullen nuzzled into her touch as he gazed down at her, boring into her eyes with his own. His hands rested on her hips as he broke eye contact again, but still desperately leaned into her touch. "These memories have always haunted me. If the become worse, if I cannot endure..."

Ruki leaned Cullen's face up to get him to look at her. She offered him a small warm smile. "You can. I believe in you," she reached up and kissed him as his arms wrapped around her and lifted her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around him as she kissed him harder. She felt her rear land on his wooden desk as Cullen broke their kiss.

He offered her a sad smile as he ran a hand through her hair and cupped her face. "Thank you," he lightly kissed her forehead, then her nose, and then finally left a ginger kiss on her lips as he pulled away from her. "I need to, be by myself for now. Please. It's nothing ill towards you."

Ruki smiled and nodded, sliding off his desk. "Just come find me when you're ready. I'll give you your space, Commander. Please take care of yourself." The elf turned and gave Cullen one last smile before she disappeared behind his office door. As she strolled down the battlements a small blue vial whirled past her head and shattered against the stone. Her nose wrinkled at the smell. Lyrium. She smiled though, putting her hands in her pockets as she made her way towards the inn. She was hungry, maybe she should grab her and Dorian some food and share a drink. Trapped in thought she nearly steamrolled over Varric. "Oh!" she gasped in surprise. "I'm so sorry Varric. I didn't see you there."

The dwarf gave a hearty laugh. "Don't worry Violet, I'm use to that by now. Remember the other day when I was telling you how heroic I was feeling? That I wrote a letter and contacted a friend. Well she's here."

Ruki blinked. "Oh, who is it?"

Varric nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, you see she might cause a bit of a fuss if she just waltz out here in the open. Please follow me."

Ruki nodded as she followed the dwarf to a secluded part of the battlements. She glanced around for a moment before turning to the dwarf. "Varric, where's your friend?"

Before the dwarf could open his mouth to answer the thud of boots hitting the stone behind her caused her to spin on her heel. She caught the emerald gaze of a vibrant auburn-haired woman. Her pale freckled face drew up in a smirk revealing a faint tooth gap as her hair was thrown into a messy ponytail. "Heyya," she gave her a mocking salute as she rested her hands on her hips. She wore black leather trousers and a vest, with a long-sleeved white shirt. "You must be the Inquisitor then, Ruki ain't it? Pretty name for a pretty lady!"

Ruki arched her brow. "Who are you?"

The woman grinned. "Name's Emilia Hawke, Inquisitor."