Chapter 10

Reid stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, but almost immediately started perspiring again. It did not take him long to figure out that that was a sign of detoxication and drug withdrawal but he didn't want to believe he had already developed an addiction. He did not remember how often Hankel had injected him the dilaudid nor the exact amount of dosages of pain killers the nurses in the hospital had given him. The craving for the drug had been a first symptom of dependence but he knew it had been mostly psychological as he wanted to forget about his problems and escape.

The events of the night before still seemed surreal and Reid could still not fully believe the things Hotch had said. But for what appeared like the first time in his life he felt content, and if it weren't for the physical discomfort he was in, he would have been the happiest person on the planet.

He pulled the two small bottles of dilaudid he had stolen from Tobias out of his messenger bag and examined them. He did not need the drugs any longer, he had Hotch now. At that thought he felt repulsive. It was weak, not being able to deal with loneliness and presumed unrequited love without wanting to get help from some substance. Yet he had only had felt the wish to do so, he had never injected the drugs himself. The two bottles were still unused. But if Hotch had not shown up that night, Reid was sure they wouldn't be.

He wanted to throw them away, spill the liquid down the toilet. But what if Hotch found the empty vials? What if Hotch ever found out about the drugs? He would be disgusted, just like Reid was. He would come to his senses, see how low Reid really was, and leave him. On the other hand, if he kept this a secret, if he lied to Hotch, he would endanger their relationship even more.

Spencer ran around in his apartment, trying to find a solution for his dilemma. This caused him to sweat even more and after another shower, he finally decided to keep Hotch at distance as long as he was experiencing the withdrawal. He had given him the rest of the week off, so Reid could take the opportunity to stay home alone and go through cold turkey.

Aaron had not called all day and partly Spencer was relieved as he did not have to lie about being fine. Furthermore he had never been in a relationship and did not really know what Hotch expected from him. The other part of him though interpreted a lot into the lack of acknowledgement and this fed his insecurities. By the end of the day Reid was convinced that Hotch regretted what had happened.

Finally, Reid had already gotten himself ready for bed, his phone rang. „Hello Spencer", Hotch greeted, „I am so sorry I didn't call you earlier but I had to make some arrangements and the rest of the day I was busy doing paperwork. Who'd thought that could be stressful?" Hotch tried to joke but quickly stopped when Reid showed no reaction. „Spencer? Is everything okay?"

Reid hesitated for a moment before asking: „Was that really the only reason?"

„I have to admit there was something else troubling me but... I'd rather not discuss that over the phone...", Hotch replied.

Spencer interrupted him. „Actually I prefer being broken up with over the phone. Not that I have any experience but I don't want..."

„You think I want to break up with you?", Aaron's voice could have not sounded more surprised.

„No, you're right, that's absurd considering we were never really together..." Reid suddenly felt really stupid.

„We are, at least that's what I like to think. Spencer, what's the matter?" When there was no answer, he added, „Should I come over to your place again?"

„No!", Reid exclaimed, but quickly corrected himself, „I mean I'm quite tired and frankly, I'm not used to not sleeping alone. I really enjoyed last night but I guess I need a bit more time"

It wasn't a complete lie even though Spencer would have wanted Hotch to come over. But he had to get through his makeshift rehab first and he could not face Hotch under these circumstances. He had to get through this alone, he did not want to burden anybody with his problems let alone the man he loved.

„Okay", Aaron said and then there was a long awkward pause which ate away at Spencer.

Hotch eventually continued, „I am sorry if I moved too fast, if I overcharged you. I didn't mean to. I would have allowed myself more time with confessing my love, I would have approached the topic subtly and... but if Georgia showed us anything, then that there is not always time"

„No, you are right. I am glad you told me and you know I feel the same way but I still need to get accustomed to that whole situation...", Spencer replied.

„Sure. Take all the time you need. Call me when you're... ready", Hotch said and wished him a good night.

Reid laid down in his bed, but as tired as he was he could not sleep. The pillow and the blanket still smelt like Hotch. The wish to have the other man here with him grew even stronger. Finally when he could not take it any longer, he stood up and walked into the living room. But the couch there also reminded him of Hotch, even more than the bed as the two agents had nearly slept with each other on it, the first night Aaron had come to his place. As Reid thought back to that night, the whole thing suddenly made sense to him and he loved Hotch even more. He would have not been Hotch if he had taken advantage of his subordinate, he was not the man who had random one-night stands and Reid should have known that from the beginning.

It amazed him that life had always treated him cruel but now he had received the ultimate redemption. To be loved by the man of his dreams, the best man Reid had ever known, the man who meant so much to him, he could not even begin to put into words, was worth anything he had gone through in his life.

Spencer awoke on his couch because he felt horribly sick. He ran to the bathroom and made himself ready to vomit, but he couldn't. He sat there for long, agonizing minutes but nothing made the nausea go away. He drank a glass of water but that only seemed to make it worse. Finally he tried to make himself sick but that did not work either. Reid lay down on the bathroom floor, wishing for the queasiness to go away. When it finally subsided a little, he went back into the bedroom and got into bed. But he soon regretted the movement when the nausea did not only come back but he also started to have cramps.

He was whimpering in pain and could not do anything about it, which made it unbearable. Reid tried to distract himself from the anguish by thinking about positive things, by thinking about Hotch. He had to be strong for him. But as he pondered over Aaron and how his presence had saved him from injecting more drugs, he wondered if maybe he was not addicted yet. The pain he was now experiencing could be there simply because he was detoxing. He had craved the drug only to flee from the negativity of his life. But Aaron had turned his whole world upside down, he had brought hope and love and now there was nothing to flee from, but only to flee to.

Before he knew it, he had grabbed his phone from the nightstand and dialed Hotch's number. Just as the older man picked up, another cramp hit Reid and he had to move his head away from the speaker as not to let him hear the hissing sound he was making. When he had recollected himself, he held the phone against his face again and uttered, „Aaron, I need you, I need..."

Only in the last moment, it occured to him that Hotch was not only his boyfriend, but his boss as well, and he stopped talking. „What is it, Spencer? What do you need?", the other man asked hurriedly.

„I just needed to hear your voice", Reid replied, once again hiding the truth behind another truth. „I am so sorry for waking you up"

„No problem, but tell me, what's wrong?" Hotch sounded sincerely worried.

„Nothing... it's nothing", Reid said and tried to sound as normal as possible given the circumstances, „Just go back to sleep and I'll talk to you tomorrow"

Spencer hung up the phone and bit his pillow as the pain increased. He felt as if he deserved it for calling Hotch. Not only had he disrupted his sleep and made him anxious, but he had almost risked both their carriers. If Hotch found out about his almost drug use, he had to report him, which would lead to Reid being fired. If Hotch didn't report him, which was a not unrealistic option considering their relationship, he would be fired himself.

How could have Reid missed that? How could he have been so stupid?

He lay in bed, enduring his distress and mentally cursing himself. He was surprised when the cramps stopped, but before he could wonder too much about it, another wave of nausea swashed upon him, this time more intense as the ones before.

Just in time he ran into the bathroom, but as he did, he did not hear the knock on his door.