Author note: I hope you like this chapter, I think this is an important part in the story of Celesta and Horatio. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope you will review, because I like to know what you think.
A long overdue conversation
After a short drive Horatio had reached the beach. Celesta had taken him to this spot before, she had told him it was her favourite spot to come and think. After he had parked the car, Horatio started to walk along the beach, it was quiet, there were only a few people on the beach. He quickly found Celesta. She was sitting alone on the beach, staring over the ocean. Slowly Horatio walked to her, he came to stand beside her, sunglasses in his hand, staring over the ocean.
"When I got home today I looked up at my window and it reminded me of what happened that day. It caught me by surprise. I thought I had put it behind me, but apparently I haven't. ... I just couldn't go in, I had to do something else, think. So I came here, but all I really wanted to do was leave with Kyle and go to your home, bury myself in your arms, but I couldn't. I would have been running away from my problems and they would have won. ... Besides I can't just show up on your doorstep unannounced." Celesta remained silent for a while, Horatio kneeled down beside and was about to comment when Celesta continued: "What annoys me the most is that my apartment, ever since they trashed my apartment, it hasn't felt like home anymore. It feels empty, my apartment doesn't feel like me anymore, like something is missing. I'm afraid I might not find it back again." Celesta sighed, quickly brushing a tear away. Horatio watched her as she continued to stare over the ocean. "We haven't really talked about what happened that day and what it did to you and me, have we?" Horatio said.
"Not really, but I don't blame you or me. I mean you had to think about Kyle and give him the attention he needed."
"Honey you have to stop using Kyle as an excuse not to talk or come to me. He is seventeen, I don't have to hold his hand all day." Before Celesta could respond, Horatio could see she wanted to, he continued: "Just because he lives with me now doesn't mean I can't or won't make time for you. You are still very important to me. I love you and I want you to be happy. To me it seems like you haven't been happy since you moved back to your apartment. Have you? ... Be honest with me." Celesta looked up and the sadness in her eyes almost broke Horatio's heart.
"No, I haven't been completely happy. The days I get to spent with you are the days when I am completely happy. When I'm with you and Kyle I feel like I'm home. But I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm running away and I don't want to feel like that."
"Celesta, what do you want? Because I think you're expecting too much."
"I guess I just want to make sure I'm not going to be reminded of that day...ever again." Celesta said, looking out over the sea. Horatio sighed, he had been afraid she would say something like that. "Celesta, that is never going to happen. You'll always have the memories of that day, you can't erase them." Finally Celesta turned towards him and looked at him. Horatio felt she was really listening. "During my work I've encountered a lot of horrific scenes and been in a lot of frightening situations and on occasion something happens that will remind me of some of those situations. That's the way it is." Celesta looked at Horatio, for the first time really understanding what his work entailed and what he encountered on a daily basis. "How do you deal with that?" she asked. Horatio sat down and put his arm around her shoulder, tugging her closer, fully realizing they should have had this conversation a lot earlier. "You accept what has happened, you accept that you can be reminded of it and when that happens you take some time to think about it and you talk to others about it. Over time you will have given that episode in your life a place and it will be less painful to be reminded of it. But the most important is that you talk about it, don't bottle it up. Did you talk about this with anyone? Your parents, friends?"
"No, I told them what had happened, but no more than that. They wouldn't understand." Celesta said. "And I'm used to deal with problems on my own. I thought I could do this on my own too." She whispered.
"Honey, you don't have to do everything on your own. You have me now. I'll be glad to help and I know Kyle will too. He told me he really likes to spent time with you."
"I enjoy our trips also. He's really smart and funny. He's a good kid." Celesta and Horatio remained silent for a while.
"I froze that day. All I remember is seeing my curtains blowing in the wind and then those boys running out of the building, shooting. I didn't know what to do and I always try to think logically, but that day...nothing. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't pulled me down. I think I would have died if it hadn't been for you. I felt so helpless and vulnerable and I didn't like that. I always feel save, even when I'm riding through those seedier parts of the city. I know my route and my bike and somehow that makes me feel safe. But today as I looked up to the window and the memories shot through my head. I felt helpless and vulnerable again and I don't like that."
"Celesta?" Horatio asked after she had fallen silent again: "Do you feel safe in your apartment? Or do you feel afraid?" Celesta looked at Horatio: "I feel perfectly safe in my apartment, but my apartment doesn't feel like home anymore."
"I think Tigger feels the same." Celesta looked up at Horatio the question clearly visible in her eyes. "I found him on my porch this evening." Horatio explained.
"Again? I don't know how he gets out, but this is the fourth time it has happened."
"I know. I think he feels the same way as you do: your apartment isn't home anymore." Horatio turns to Celesta: "I think your apartment doesn't feel like home anymore, because you don't consider it home anymore." Horatio could see in Celesta's eyes, that she had also thought this. "After they trashed your place and before Kyle came to live with me, you stayed with me for an entire month and during that time you never once went back to your apartment. Not even to check up on the people who were cleaning and repairing it. You only went back when your new furniture was delivered. For all intents and purposes my home was your home. And when you left to give me and Kyle some space, we didn't only take a big step back from our relationship, but you also left home. You said it yourself: when you're with me and Kyle you feel at home." By the way Celesta lowered her eyes and looked down, Horatio could see she had reached the conclusion a long time before he had vocalized it, which begged the question: "Why have you never said anything to me about this? I can see you have thought or realized this before."
"Because of what inevitably follows this conclusion." Celesta remained silent. "What? The question of you moving back in with me and Kyle?" Horatio asked, Celesta nodded: "I can't ask you and Kyle that, you're only just getting to know each other, it's too soon."
"You can't make our decisions for us, you have to let me and Kyle make that decision. And I would love it if you came to live with us." Horatio said, holder her hands and looking into her eyes. "And I don't think Kyle would mind, Angel." Celesta put her head on Horatio's shoulder and sighed. Horatio could feel her relax. For several minutes they sat on the beach, looking out over the ocean, content to be with each other. After a while Horatio rose, pulled Celesta up and gathered her in his arms. "Come on, let's go home." But Celesta put her hands against his chest and looked up at him: "Would you be terribly upset if I asked you to come to my apartment and spent the night? You can leave Kyle alone, can't you? I just want to talk a bit more about that day and I want to talk in my apartment."
"Of course Angel, but I have to call Kyle before. He was worried about you and asked me to call if I had found you." Celesta looked surprised: "Why was he worried?"
"Well I had tried to call you several times, to tell you Tigger was at my place, and I couldn't reach you. We were worried something had happened to you. And like I said earlier: Kyle really likes you." With that Horatio got his cell phone out, put his arm around Celesta and together they walked back to the car.