Radio Play
(Opening credits. Cut to inside a car as there is a radio. The camera pans up to the radio.)
Huck: (V.O) Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Testing, testing…
James: (V.O) We can hear you!
Huck: (V.O) Oh good…..what's up with our video communications system?
James: (V.O) Well, evil secret agents shot it down so now we have to talk through our radio systems.
Craig: (V.O) Hello?
James: (V.O) Boss, thank God you're here.
Craig: (V.O) You sound awfully manly to be a woman.
James: (V.O) What?
Craig: (V.O) Well okay…..um, so do I start this off or?
James: (V.O) Or what…..what are you talking about?
Craig: (V.O) The sex.
James: (V.O) What?
Craig: (V.O) The phone sex line.
James: (V.O) WHAT?
Huck: (V.O) No, it's a kids help line!
James: (V.O) HUCK!
Craig: (V.O) Well can we pretend it's a phone sex line.
James: (V.O) No it's not, we're all talking on a three-way radio signal.
Craig: (V.O) I'M ON THE RADIO!
James: (V.O) You're not on the radio! We were on a middle of a mission when….
Craig: (V.O) Hi Mom!
James: (V.O) It's……not…..A RADIO STATION!
Craig: (V.O) Mom, when I said I thought it was a phone sex line before, I didn't mean it…..I knew it wasn't.
James: (V.O) This isn't a radio you…
(Radio static noise.)
James: (V.O) …..head.
Craig: (V.O) It won't be with that attitude.
James: (V.O) OH! Shut the (more radio static) up!
Craig: (V.O) What did you say before?
James: (V.O) What, didn't you hear me?
Craig: (V.O) Yeah, there was some static.
(Beat.)
James: (V.O) Where did Huck go?
Huck: (V.O) Don't worry, I'm still here…..I'm just masturbating to pictures of Judi Dench.
James: (V.O) JUDI DENCH! WHAT THE (radio static) IS WRONG YOU!
Huck: (V.O) Wait…….Judi Dench isn't that hot girl off "The New Guy".
James: (V.O) Um…….no.
Huck: (V.O) Oh, okay.
James: (V.O) Thank God, we've got that cleared up.
(Beat.)
Craig: (V.O) Are we on the radio or not?
James: (V.O) NO!
Craig: (V.O) Okay, no need to be on your period.
Huck: (V.O) Okay, I'm done.
James: (V.O) Done what?
Huck: (V.O) Uh…….curing AIDS! What do you think, I was jerkin' it to pictures of that woman I thought was Judi Dench but in a caption here it says it's Eliza Dushku.
(Beat.)
Craig: (V.O) So you're not curing AIDS?
Huck: (V.O) No.
James: (V.O) Sick, you were masturbating?
Huck: (V.O) Yeah, I told you guys that.
James: (V.O) No you didn't!
Huck: (V.O) Whether I did or didn't is not the point…….but I did.
Craig: (V.O) Did what? Cure AIDS?
(Beat.)
Huck: (V.O) Uh……
James: (V.O) Uh….
Huck: (V.O) I cured um…..homosexuality.
James: (V.O) You can't cure homosexuality!
Craig: (V.O) Tell that to Richard Cohen not Huck.
Huck: (V.O) Yeah, leave Huck alone!
Craig: (V.O) Stop ganging up on Huck, James.
Huck: (V.O) We never liked you.
Craig: (V.O) Yeah you (radio static).
Huck: (V.O) HAHAHA! Good one Craig, whatacha call him.
Craig: (V.O) Bob Dole!
(Beat.)
James: (V.O) Why does it feel like we're having five separate conversations at once?
Huck: (V.O) Hold on, there's a song playing right now……it's Mr. Bojangles!
James: (V.O) Mr. Bojangles!
Huck: (V.O) And we'll dance, and dance, and dance….please dance.
Craig: (V.O) Mr. Bojangles was the name of my first love.
Huck: (V.O) Mr. Bojangles was a real person?
Craig: (V.O) No I fell in love with the song. I lost my virginity to it.
(Beat.)
Huck: (V.O) Awk-ward
James: (V.O) So um, Huck…..what station is it on?
Huck: (V.O) It doesn't matter, the song's ending away.
James: (V.O) Oh okay.
(Radio static.)
Terrorist: (V.O) JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD!
(Radio static.)
Huck: (V.O) What the Hell was that?
James: (V.O) Well obviously a terrorist who's working for the evil secret agency that cut off all our communications except the radio! We need to stop fooling around and get back to work.
(Radio static.)
Huck: (V.O) What was that James? I was taking a piss behind the bushes. James?
Bill: (V.O) Breaker, breaker the B-man to the dog, are you there? Over.
Huck: (V.O) Bill, we're not hillbillies!
Bill: (V.O) That's such a stereotype, hillbillies don't say stuff like that.
Craig: (V.O) Truckers do.
Bill: (V.O) Yeah, I used to be a trucker……..with my eighteen wheels of justice…..starring Lucky Vanous.
Huck: (V.O) LUCKY! What kind of (radio static)ed up name is that?
Bill: (V.O) I don't know, seems like a name suited to a dog doesn't it.
Huck: (V.O) Yep.
Craig: (V.O) Hey, where did James go?
Huck: (V.O) I don't know, the twilight zone for all I care, the point is, is gone. No more bitchin' and moanin' from him. Under all that manflesh, lives a man……who's a woman.
Bill: (V.O) Yeah……okay, I'm driving my truck to the place we said we'll meet, do you want me to stop off at the ice cream store or something before I get there or?
Huck: (V.O) Yeah, okay pick me up some chocolate! And only chocolate, not chocolate vanilla! Vanilla makes me gassy and homesick!
Bill: (V.O) Yeah okay, over and out.
(Radio static.)
Craig: (V.O) I wanted ice cream too!
Huck: (V.O) Oh crap sorry! Bill? Bill? Are you there son? Bill? Craig wants ice cream too! (to Craig) What flavor?
Craig: (V.O) Caramel!
Huck: (V.O) Do they sell those?
Craig: (V.O) Yes, the ice cream store across from my apartment.
Huck: (V.O) He isn't going to the ice cream store across from your apartment!
Craig: (V.O) Well he should!
Huck: (V.O) Well he ain't, so there!
Craig: (V.O) Oh okay……….hey Huck?
Huck: (V.O) Yeah?
Craig: (V.O) Where do you think we all go when we die?
Huck: (V.O) We all rot in the ground.
Craig: (V.O) Oh….that sounds boring.
Huck: (V.O) Yeah, it does.
(Beat.)
Huck: (V.O) That's why I want to live.
Craig: (V.O) Me too.
Huck: (V.O, to himself) 3, 2, 1…..my children love me but they don't understand and I have a wife who loves a man, drive on.
Craig: (V.O) What the Hell was that?
Huck: (V.O) It's a Johnny Cash song.
Craig: (V.O) Oh really, because I've heard all Johnny Cash songs, so which one was it supposed to be?
(Beat.)
Huck: (V.O) …………….."Drive On"?
Craig: (V.O) You sure you sang it right?
Huck: (V.O) I don't care.
Craig: (V.O) Do…..do you even listen to yourself when you talk?
Huck: (V.O) I drift in and out, it depends if I care about what I said.
Craig: (V.O) Oh okay.
(Radio static.)
Chris: (V.O) Hello? Hello?
Huck: (V.O) Chris?
Chris: (V.O) I'm stuck in some sort of portal!
Huck: (V.O) A portal, with what?
Chris: (V.O) Well, it's more of another realm then a portal. But…..have you guys seen Poltergeist?
Huck: (V.O) The first one or the two sequels, because I saw the second.
Craig: (V.O) Only the second, you gotta see the first. It's way better.
Huck: (V.O) Really, do you have it?
Craig: (V.O) Yeah, I can lent it to you if you want.
Huck: (V.O) Huh, thanks.
Craig: (V.O) Don't mention it.
Chris: (V.O) Guys, you gotta help!
Huck: (V.O) Help what?
Chris: (V.O) Me!
Huck: (V.O) Why?
Chris: (V.O) UGH! (radio static)! BECAUSE I'M STUCK IN THE OTHER REALM!
Huck: (V.O) In the TV?
Chris: (V.O, sarcastically) No Huck, the oven (normal) NO OF COURSE THE TV!
Huck: (V.O) Now I remember.
Chris: (V.O) What…….what did you remember?
Huck: (V.O) I did see the first one, I saw that AND the second one at a friend's place.
Craig: (V.O) But you haven't seen the third one.
Huck: (V.O) No.
Craig: (V.O) Oh……you didn't miss much.
Chris: (V.O) They're sucking me in!
Craig: (V.O) WALK INTO THE LIGHT!
Chris: (V.O) What are you talking abou………
(More radio static.)
James: (V.O) CRAIG! HUCK!
Huck: (V.O) What?
James: (V.O) Why aren't you guys here?
Huck: (V.O) Here where?
James: (V.O) At the car park near the movie theatre, the place we agreed to make plans to stop the other agency. It was the reason we had to communicate separately via radio in the first place…but, um before they shot down the rest of our communication systems.
Huck: (V.O) Really?
James: (V.O) Yes.
Craig: (V.O) Hey Huck.
Huck: (V.O) Yeah?
Craig: (V.O) What ever happened to that Chris fella?
Huck: (V.O) I don't know.
James: (V.O) Are you guys even listening to me?
Craig: (V.O) I hope his in a better place.
Huck: (V.O) I hope I go to a better place, well hopefully a better place than this gas station bathroom with the pee on the rolls of toilet paper that spell out "Jesus Peed Here".
James: (V.O) Ew.
Craig: (V.O) That's where you guys are! A gas station bathroom?
James: (V.O) NO! Only Huck's in the gas station bathroom, I'm at the car park near the movie theatre.
Craig: (V.O) Oh, well I'm at a bar full of guys making out with each other.
James: (V.O) What?
Huck: (V.O) You're at a gay bar?
Craig: (V.O) Gay bar? Bars can be homosexual now?
James: (V.O) No a night club specifically for gay people.
Craig: (V.O) Oh well, I'm gay.
Huck: (V.O) You……like it up the ass?
Craig: (V.O) What up my ass?
James: (V.O) Ugh, you think by gay I mean "happy" don't you?
Craig: (V.O) Well that's what it means, unless it can mean something else……can it?
James: (V.O) Gay can also mean to be homosexual?
Craig: (V.O) Who or what is a homosexual?
Huck: (V.O) It means you like it up the ass………and, you know, not giving it up the ass, but you getting it……up your um, ass.
James: (V.O) Okay Huck, thank you for the lesson.
Huck: (V.O) Your welcome.
James: (V.O) Okay, we have been yakking on and bickering for 8 minutes now, we need to get some plans.
Huck: (V.O) I like fellatio.
James: (V.O) Ugh…..what?
Huck: (V.O) Not giving it, but receiving it…….by some hot broad.
James: (V.O) Okay, shut up we need to start planning things out.
Huck: (V.O) That's what she said!
(Beat.)
James: (V.O) That doesn't make sense.
Huck: (V.O) So does your face.
James: (V.O) That also doesn't make sense.
Huck: (V.O) That also so does your face.
James: (V.O) That doesn't make one Nick Nolte of sense!
Huck: (V.O) Nick Nolte! That sounds like someone stepping on a 50 pound piece of cow turd.
James: (V.O) That doesn't make sense!
Huck: (V.O) So does Chinese sweatshop workers and uh…….Alan Rickman.
James: (V.O) Alan Rickman?
Huck: (V.O) Yes.
James: (V.O) That's your best defense.
Craig: (V.O) Wait, now I've heard of homosexuality but not a homosexual.
Huck: (V.O) Alan Rickman sucks Elton John's nut sack.
James: (V.O) Those are the best defenses you can come up with?
Huck: (V.O) Yeah.
James: (V.O) Well…….uh….
(The Sealab 2021 "evil" music comes on as James is heard screaming.)
Huck: (V.O) That's your best defense James? Screaming? (sarcastically) Wow, why do I feel so burned huh, really had that one coming to me right?
(Beat. Evil music stops.)
Huck: (V.O) Right?
(Beat. Evil music starts up again.)
Terrorist: (V.O) This is a stereotypical Arab terrorist who worships Jihad and Muhammad.
(Evil music stops. Cut to a quick shot of Muhammad standing in the street with cowboy outfit on.)
Muhammad: (cowboy accent) Hey y'all!
(Cut back to the shot of the radio. Evil music starts again)
Terrorist: (V.O) You must pull out agents out of Israel and Pakistan or we shall kill agent James Smith.
James: (V.O) Do it, I think his serious!
Terrorist: (V.O) Of course I am, I have now a gun pointed to your head, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
James: (V.O) Mrs. Smith? That's a movie.
Terrorist: (V.O) SILENCE INFIDEL! What say you, Evil Alliance?
Huck: (V.O) Yeah, okay, this is Huck (music stops)…..but did you teach yourself English or…..like, what's up with that?
Terrorist: (V.O) Oh, I went to Ai-Quaida training camp, they teach us English if we ever appear on American television show so they would be no need for subtitles.
Huck: (V.O) Yeah, I know. I hate reading, I love TV, reading and TV are not a good mix, so uh, I hate reading subtitles.
Terrorist: (V.O) Hey, when you guys appear on Al-jazezerra, could you please also learn our language I mean, reading subtitles is bad enough without our (radio static)itty symbols we use in our language.
Craig: (V.O) We'll make a note of it.
James: (V.O) Why are you making small talk! His the enemy, he has me at gun point…….and also…
Terrorist: (V.O) I am so (radio static)ing sick of you.
(Three gun shots are heard.)
Huck: (V.O) Thank you for handling James for us.
Terrorist: (V.O) No prob…….say, where are you guys?
Huck: (V.O) Gas station.
Craig: (V.O) Gay bar.
Terrorist: (V.O) The same gas station and gay bar that has that movie theatre with the parking lot in the middle?
Craig: (V.O) Yeah.
Terrorist: (V.O) That's where I am!
Craig: (V.O) No kidding.
Huck: (V.O) Let's turn off these radios and meet up.
(End credits.)