Daniel's Office
Two days later
All of SG-1 was gathered in Daniel's office, they had been going over a translation when the discussion had turned philosophical as it often did. "I still do not quite understand this human emotion of regret."
"Teal'c, you may not realize it, but I'm sure you've done stuff that you wish you hadn't."
"That is correct O'Neill. I do not consider my time as First Prime to Apophis as being beneficial to the Tau'ri."
"Yes, but to you, did it affect you?"
"Once I saw what the Goa'uld really were, I did not want to serve them any longer Adam Pierson. But I do not see the point to dwell on the past and regret it… What is done is done. All I can do now is fight against the Goa'uld."
"Very true Teal'c. If we live with our regret, we never escape our past and live. We humans have a hard time letting go, I still have not been able to let go of the regret of what I have done."
Daniel Jackson was curious, "Like what?"
"Things I have done in the past that should stay in the past… After a while you sometimes forgive yourself for what you have done… but you never forget," he told them somberly.
"Come on Adam like what? You can't have that many regrets?"
"Yeah, what? Do you wish you had kissed that girl in Paris over the one in Egypt? You're too good a soldier to have that many regrets!" Jack stated lightly.
Adam's face became deadly serious. "I'm over ten thousand years old… People change Jack. For as many good deeds as I have done, there are evil things I have also done… There are things that one can never forget and are immortalized in human history."
The original SG-1 members looked at each other considering what he had said… Who were they working with? "What did you do?" Daniel quietly asked.
"Terrible things." Realizing that they were not going to drop this, he got up from his chair and walked over to one of the bookshelves in the office. He scanned the titles and finally pulled a book out and handed it to Daniel.
"What about the Bible? Were you Pontius Pilate or something?"
"Worse. Revelations, Chapter 6, Verse 8." Adam turned and left the room sharing a look with Duncan and Amanda, knowing that they would explain. "I'll see you later. Duncan, find me if you want to spar." Duncan nodded his head knowing that he would find him later, knowing that Adam would need to spar to focus and remember that he had changed from who he was.
Daniel, Sam, Jack, and Teal'c shared a look with each other before Daniel opened up the Bible and found what Adam had referred to. He read aloud to them all, "'I looked and there was a pale green horse. Its rider was named Death, and Hades accompanied him. They were given authority over a quarter of the Earth, to kill with sword, famine, and plague, and by means of the beasts of the earth.'" The others sat in silence as Daniel reread the passage to himself and read the first part of the chapter. Once he realized what was implied he quietly spoke, "He was Death? He rode with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?"
"He led them."
Their eyes all widened as they realized who they were working with. "I thought it was all just a myth."
"It was very much real. The Horsemen were all Immortals who rode during the Bronze Age for a thousand years. They raped, plundered, pillaged, destroyed, and burned many civilizations."
"He was Death?" Jack was still having a hard time believing this, he was very worried about who they had let join SG-1. "I thought he was a soldier who fought against the Goa'uld."
"He did. But Methos isn't a soldier at heart… He has lived for over ten thousand years; he has seen and done many things. He is a survivor, above all else. I don't condone what he did, but I don't condemn him for what he has done thousands of years ago. He has had to live with the knowledge of what he has done, he doesn't need me judging him."
Duncan paused as he recalled when he had found out and the strain that had put on their friendship. "I did at first, and then I realized that I couldn't condemn him because I myself have had my dark periods… We all make mistakes and we all change. It's just that us Immortals do it more. Don't judge him on his past… He once told me that times were different then, that he was different then. It was one of a thousand regrets. Right now he wants to fight against the Goa'uld, and we need him; that is what is important now."
There was silence in the room before Teal'c spoke, "I too have killed many humans. We each live with our actions separately. Now he is a warrior fighting against the Goa'uld, and I will fight alongside him."
ooo
When Duncan walked into the fitness center Methos was already facing him, alerted to his arrival by the buzz he felt. The two did not exchange any words as they both faced each other and bowed. Duncan barely pulled out his sword in time to deflect Adam's attack. The two sparred with their razor sharp swords for over an hour in complete silence, with only the sound of metal clashing against metal resonating in the room.
Once they had finished they both walked over to the bench to catch their breath. "So, what did they say?"
"That it didn't matter. I think what Teal'c said helped them do that. He reminded them that when he was First Prime he did some atrocious things as well, and he too had changed and was now fighting alongside us to defeat the Goa'uld. They were shocked at first, but I think that was because for them it hit close to home. They're fine with it though. Don't worry."
"The difference between Teal'c and I is that Teal'c was following orders because he believed in something. My actions were my own. We're Immortal MacLeod, we have no one to blame but ourselves for our actions."
Duncan stared at the ground deep in thought. "Darius told me something once, and I never quite understood what it meant until now… He said that the burden of man cannot last forever, but not to be afraid to embrace it and remember."
"I'm not following MacLeod."
"Our regret is our connection to our mortality… It's what allows us to open our eyes to the world around us and the world within ourselves. Once we have seen what we need to see we must remember what we have seen and then let go… Regret can be a beautiful thing if you let it change who you are…"
Methos looked at his young friend. "When did you get so wise?"
MacLeod chuckled, "I don't know but it definitely wasn't from any help I got from you!"
Methos snorted with laughter. They fell into a comfortable silence as they took inventory of their past.
"When they look at me, will they see Death?"
"No, they will see a survivor and a warrior… Besides, since when do you care what others think of you?" he smiled. Duncan stood up and shouldered his sword, "Come on, I'm hungry."
ooo
Later that night
Duncan reclined on his bed after dinner reading a book. Dinner had gone well that evening, despite Methos' apprehensions. The evening had been pleasant as they spoke about other places SG-1 had traveled to and other races they had met. The discussion had then turned humorous as they told funny anecdotes about one another, much to Daniel's dismay as his story about tribal dancing had gotten out. When he heard the knock at the door he rose from his bed to put a shirt on as he invited the person in, "Come in."
"Duncan I just came by to- oh sorry!" she exclaimed as she saw that he wasn't fully dressed yet. She couldn't help but notice his upper body as he slid the shirt over his head. She looked away though before he could see that she had been staring.
Duncan gently smiled when he looked up at her and decided to move the conversation along as he considered how awkward Sam was feeling. "What can I do for you?" he asked her as he walked back over to his bed and sat down against the headboard. "Please, have a seat," he told her as he motioned to the foot of his bed.
Grateful that he was going to ignore the situation, she smiled and sat down on his bed, "Thanks." Noticing that he had a book split open on the bed, she inquired after it, "What are you reading?"
"Crime and Punishment. Have you read it?"
"No, I never got around to it. I was usually reading physics textbooks and papers."
"You should read it. Dostoevsky does an amazing job delving into the mind of a murderer. Here take my copy, I've read it several times already," he told her as he held the book out to her.
"I can't, you're reading it."
"Nonsense. I was just reading some excerpts. The things we talked about earlier reminded me of the book. Please, take it." Once again he offered the book out to her, and after a moment of deciding, she then took the book from his hands.
"Thank you Duncan."
"You're welcome. Now what was it you wanted to see me about?"
"I wanted to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind."
"Not at all."
"Why do Amanda and Adam call you a boy scout?"
Duncan smiled at the question, "Because of the way I view the world and how I've lived. I tend to view things very black and white. I'm a warrior who will give everything I have for a cause I believe in, even if it is misguided."
"What kind of causes?"
"I have fought against the British to help free my fellow Scotsmen, I fought against the Germans twice, I fought with the North in the Civil War, I fought in the Revolutionary War of the United States, I have fought and trained with a Samurai. I've fought in a lot of battles in my four hundred years."
"What did you mean then when you said that some of your causes were misguided? The battles you fought were noble and honorable."
"We all have our regrets."
"Like what?"
"I have fought for some noble causes, but sometimes the means I employed were less than honorable. I have had a hard time letting a grudge go; I still have feelings of revenge. During the expansion of the western United States, I went on a killing rampage trying to find the man who had killed an Indian family I had adopted. When I fought against the British, I would kill them indiscriminately, I would show no mercy for they had shown us none." Duncan then noticed the shock in Carter's face, "Don't worry, I've changed. I met other Immortals who were able to help me see past my anger."
Carter was shocked and didn't really know what to say, "What is your biggest regret?"
Duncan's eyes glassed over as he remembered the two darkest periods in his life, "When I killed two very close friends… I was forced to take the head of a friend, a Hayoka Shaman, who took in the evil of the world and had finally taken in too much. When I took his head and his Quickening I absorbed all the evil that he had taken in to save the world… The evil consumed me and I ended up killing a very dear friend of mine, Sean Burns… Then there was Richie."
Sam could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke, she suddenly regretted asking him to elaborate on his life. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up such painful memories."
"It's okay, talking about it helps me cope… Are you familiar with Persian mythology?" he asked her, unsure if they had ever encountered a Goa'uld that had taken to that culture. "Well, there is an evil force called Ahriman that once every millennium challenges an Immortal for protection over the Earth. I was destined to fight against Ahriman, and in our battle he disguised himself as one of my closest friends and pupils, Richie Ryan… Later when the real Richie showed up, I thought he was Ahriman and beheaded him. He was so young; he had only been immortal for four years. I still live with the regret from those events, I will never forget what I did."
"You can't blame yourself for their deaths."
"Part of me knows that, but I was the one who cut their heads off. I thought I could take in the evil that a trained Shaman wasn't even able to control. I was careless when I cut off Richie's head… I was the weapon used to kill them. I couldn't help myself because I didn't know who I was… I can never forget that… That's why I train so much, so that I will never be unaware and as a constant reminder of what I have done…"
"God, how can you handle being an Immortal with so much regret and death?"
Duncan smiled ever so slightly, "There are its good points… the friendships made."
"Even with mortals?"
"Especially with them, they have an innocence to them because they only have that one life, they do not make the tragic mistakes that Immortals sometimes make over and over."
"Don't you ever regret loving them?"
"Never that Sam. Why should one regret something as beautiful as love? Those are the best memories. The same way that the regret stays with you, the love stays with you. I never regretted loving the mortal women I have loved."
"But they all die, doesn't it make it hard to move on?"
"Sometimes, but I never lose hope. It's not a bad thing you know, to not forget the people one loves… In a way, it is their own Immortality."
Sam deeply considered what he was saying and thought of her own life. She realized that what he said was true… Her mother lived on in the memories that Sam held in her heart.
TBC
Sorry for the delay. I hope you are all still enjoying this story.