On the Imparroter, Jock was bored. He had remained in his own cabin for a few hours, trying to work out where to plug in his CD player and then dancing for a while, an exercise which was proving to be extremely stress-relieving. But once he'd realised that all the songs on the psychedelic CD were pretty much the same, he took it upon himself to become an agent plot device and ask Bev and Bill for their back stories- wrongly assuming that there was something they were hiding or didn't know.
"We found out a few years ago that his dad made parrot charms with trackers in them for the police, so they could arrest more of them." Bev told him in a bored monotone, "His mum helped sell them, and later catch them. His parents were killed by a falling water slide, and Bill's been living on the insurance money and his apprenticeship ever since."
"I'm gonna be a blacksmith!" Bill added enthusiastically as Jock realised that these people wouldn't have particularly interesting back-stories. Still, he dutifully asked Bev what her life was like.
"Well, my dad wants me to become a lady and marry someone like Norrrrringtonnnnn, but I want to be..." she paused for a fairly undramatic effect, "A trolley pusher!"
There was a long silence, after which Bev gave up on any kind of response and asked Jock, "So what's your story?"
"I was once a parrot on the Black Raisin. It was fun- they let me have my own room for dancing, and I kept all the dead parrots from the raids. But then they all got drunk and decided to dump me on a desert island with no sugar or alcohol! I had to escape on the Sea Turtle, a cruise ship where they made me do...things to do my keep." Much cajoling/threatening on Bev's part made Jock elaborate. "They made me dance to... 80s techno music!" Jock sobbed, the trauma of betraying his own dancing genre proving too much. There was an awkward silence, and the subject changed.
But it was nothing of interest to the reader. Well, time for a change of scene.
"Are we still being followed?" Rebecci enquired of the captain, looking out the rear-end window nervously.
"Yar, but we'll manage to head them off before we get to the Isle de Dramatic Scene."
"Using raccoons?" Intel demanded. Baa stopped at this, his face thoughtful.
"Yar...maybe we will, Intel." As one, the crew (which, as it turned out, consisted of only two other people not encountered before in this story) gasped.
"But captain, Intel's crazy!" Exclaimed one of the two miscellaneous pirates, with no protest from even Intel.
"Yar... so crazy it's going to work!" Baa exclaimed, confirming the reader's suspicions that he was a clichéd, insane old coot.
Later that day, the crew of the Black Raisin had purchased several raccoons, two wombats and a giraffe (raccoons were fallible). After being taught how to swim, some with arm floaties, the animals were lobbed off the ship in the direction of the Imparroter.
The Black Raisin then sped away, noticing that the elusive RSPCA pirate ship was fast approaching. Team Beard-Corpse (complete with T-shirts) joined Team Raccoon (name chosen by the majority) to form a new team, named Team Wolverines (Team Bearded-Raccoon-Corpse was too long, it was decided). The idea of the Anti-Excessive Brackets Brigade was thrown around, mostly so the author would get the hint. Hmph.
Just as Team Wolverines began their attack on the Imparroter, the author got revenge with another scene change! But they would get in soon...
"...and that's how I got banned from the X-Factor studio." Bev concluded angrily, thudding her fist down onto the table. A loud THUNK sounded, but it wasn't caused by Bev. It was caused by the animals and corpse landing on the deck, and by the author smacking a hand to her head as she realised she didn't actually know whether to distinguish between the animals and the beard which, as stated before, was actually an animal trained to sit very still. But she didn't dwell on it as an action sequence was in order.
"Who's there?" Bill said, his voice a few tones away from being only heard by dogs.
His question was answered (rather well time, don't you think?) by Team Wolverines breaking the door down. The crew of the Imparroter put up a brave fight for approximately five seconds before turning into gibbering cowards (Bill and Jock) or bored (Bev).
Team Wolverines deliberated for about twice the time it took them to overpower Bill, Bev and Jock about what to do with them, and decided that the best course of action would be... there was a long pause, and after several minutes the author sent a sheepish message in the form of a note fluttering from the ceiling. Bev read it out to everyone, being the only one that could read, apart from Zombie Billy, but the letter would have been covered with various rotting stuff.
It read, Sorry, I couldn't think of anything for Team Wolverines to do. This problem will be solved momentarily.
Seemingly from no-where, a huge grey brick also fell from the ceiling, crushing Team Wolverines and making a large hole in the floor. Across the side was stamped the words WRITER'S BLOCK.
Remember kids, writer's block really does kill! To avoid its wrath, review NOW!