Dear Hayato,

I think today was the worst day of my life. I'm not sure why I'm telling you about it, really.

Why wouldn't you?

Before today, I thought it was the day when I found out your school was going to be torn down. They told us the plans had already been made and everything had been decided and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I remember they had an assembly to announce the "good" news, and all the other students were jumping out of their seats and cheering and I just sat there, frozen, unable to think or breathe or operate, while so much celebration went on around me.

That sounds like hell.

I was in love with you. Again.

What did you ever see in me? I was just an angry kid who entertained himself by making your life miserable.

Have I forgotten the good in myself?

Then I saw you later that day, and I told you I wanted to help, and you said, "What's done is done. Get over it." You stormed away that day, and I never saw you again.

One of my biggest regrets to this day.

Today, Ryuu told me what I want to believe is a lie. He said you'd been getting my letters, indeed, but you told him (and I can't imagine why you'd be talking to him at all) that you wished I'd just stop. He said you told him it was really annoying how I hadn't changed after all these years and that you wish I'd just let it go.

That bastard!

He told me you said it was entertaining to lead me on in junior high, but now I'm just a bother. Unworthy of your time. Old news.

I will KILL him!

The entire time he was telling me this, yelling actually, I felt myself breaking. I could feel the tiny fractures beginning to appear all over, like I was made of glass. Through the fissures my confidence leaked out like water, and my hope that you were still out there, reading these, caring, escaped too. And then I just felt empty.

I know the feeling, babe.

Ryuu stood there, and I realized he is an angry person, held together by making people miserable just under the surface, so no one knows it's him. No one knows that he is the reason they're ruined, and I am just another victim. I've been so kind to him for so many years, and now I don't think I'll ever be able to look him in the eyes without knowing what he really is. I don't even think he has a malicious nature. I think he has as many cracks as I do. We all have different ways of filling our holes.

Ryuu has a mental problem. You should've stayed away from him, Aoi, I warned you… Don't you remember that picture he took?

Is this mine?

I didn't give him the satisfaction, you know. I didn't let him have the glue he was searching for. I walked away from him as though I hadn't heard a word that came from his mouth.

I never knew you to be strong.

Then I cried. It was so pathetic. God, I know you would've yelled at me to stop being stupid and get a hold of myself, but I just couldn't bear it.

That's the Aoi I always knew. Would me beating the shit out of him make you feel better? It would make me feel better.

Urara found me after a while, but by then I was only sniffling.

That cold bitch's still around? I would've thought she'd graduated early or something. Or that you had dumped her ass for being a jerk to you constantly.

Rumors were raging by then. The wonderful Maeda Ryuu had a breakdown aimed at the famous AAA Ogata Aoi.

His true colors have finally shown through.

That wasn't all. Students were giving me pitiful looks for the rest of the day. I could hear the whispers in the halls, that I'd foolishly fallen in love with the delinquent school's leader and been left in his dust when the school was torn down.

People are always looking for something to gossip about.

They aren't even wrong.

What?

That might be what hurts the most, knowing that they're telling the truth. I was left behind without a second thought from you. And that might not even be what happened! I may be completely wrong about this entire situation, and I'll never know. Because he never wrote back.

…

I saw a movie last year, and one quote stood out to me. In the movie they said it was a quote famous among the French, but I doubt it. "Faith can move mountains." I think I'm nearly out of faith.

Now that I'm here in this tangent, I'll just state something. I believe one of three things. One, you hate me. Two, you don't even remember me. Three, you aren't even getting these. Which one is real?

None, actually.

What would I do if I knew the truth?

What even is the truth? I've gotten every letter, but I'm too afraid to write back?

I know I'm not as naïve as I used to be, and you're probably the reason why, but I'm still trying to hold onto the hope that you're out there, getting my letters. I can't imagine what you would be doing with them or how I could explain why you haven't responded.

I can't either.

God, I can't stand to add another word of… what, betrayal? I don't even know what I feel anymore.

Painfully Yours,

Aoi

These last few chapters have been super sad, but the next one will be totally happy, I promise. After all, it's half finished already. :)

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