Ch. 10 The Turn Around
I am skipping to the car with Lanie in tow and Martha immediately smiles when we slide into the car. I am so giddy with the prospect of redoing my room my way. I completely clear my head of the boy drama that is plaguing me and try to enjoy this little trip.
"So Rick and Gina are going to baby-sit Alexis until we get back. At first, I didn't like Gina but she seems to make Rick very happy and she is a cutie." Martha is doing nothing but being a good mom but I can't help but get the angry eyes when she boasts about a relationship that is slowly killing me.
The ride is painful but I try to clear my mind of what's happening. I try to hide it but Martha doesn't let up about how wonderful Gina is. She mentions how Alexis took to her right away and how she seems to run on sunshine. I avoid Lanie's face for fear of her catching me getting hit with hurtful blows. We are so close that I can taste it but I don't think I am tasting the mission coming to a close but the pain.
Lanie sees me tensing up and I quickly try to recover but I am not doing a very good job at it because she bumps into me with her elbow and immediately I know that she now knows. She tries to read my expression and as I try to do one thing instead of another, my mind is swirling and I feel bile rising up.
"Please stop! I think I am going to get sick." Martha pulls over and I run to the nearest establishment. It just so happens to be Mimi's Piano Bar. Before I burst through the door, I can't help but feel a connection to this place. I want to enter but know that I can't. My parents would meet up with friends at this place. I'm not even sure that I can enter being that it has a bar. My stomach knots and I can barely get a breath in me. I turn my head and see Angelo's Pizza. I dart in that direction.
I fly through the door so fast that I hadn't noticed that there was someone in the way. I ignore their grunt of pain and the stares that I seem to be getting. I get to a toilet and wretch. My stomach seems to be clearing out via my mouth. My heart is busy thudding through my chest and at just the thought of Rick and Gina, my stomach wretches once more.
The bathroom door creaks and Lanie pushes the stall door open. I silently try to remember to start locking the stall door. She holds my hair back and kneels down next to me. She starts rubbing my back as I keep getting sick. The warmth radiating from her makes me start to cool down. I push myself back from the toilet and lean against the stall wall. She looks at me with her all knowing gaze and I fight the tears.
"Does anyone know how you feel?" She doesn't seem accusatory nor angry and I feel the trust that I can count on.
"Just Ann. She caught me looking at him, the way I do. I try not to let it show but, I can't help it." I hold my head in my hands and feel so lost. I know that Martha must be worrying about me but I try to block out everything that will cause me stress. But it is kind of hard when, whenever I close my eyes, Rick's face is all I see.
"Gina is all wrong for him, I mean everyone sees it." I know she is trying to prove her loyalty and my heart races at the thought. "In time he will see it too."
"Lanie," my tears fall down my cheeks and I feel as if I could drown in them. "He likes her and not me. He chose, and he chose her. Not me. No one chooses me." I hang my head down and I feel her slide next to me.
"Kate, I choose you." She pulls me in for a hug and I hear the bathroom door open.
"Kate? Lanie?" Martha's voice echoes against the big empty room.
"We're in here." I am so grateful that Lanie hasn't lost her voice. I want to answer back but my throat is dry and I feel a rush all over again.
Martha opens the stall door and Lanie rises off the floor. I remain seated and I don't bother to acknowledge her. Lanie leaves the bathroom and I am left with Martha staring down at me.
"Kate? How about you get off the floor and come talk to me." She holds her hand out to me and I grab ahold of it. With her hand in mine, I feel that she is my lifesaver.
"I'm sorry." I have nothing else to say as she wraps her arm around me and pulls me close. "I'm so sorry." My tears fall onto her blouse but she just grips me tighter. She kisses the top of my head and I feel lost.
"I know what this is about." She pushes me back a little and smiles down at me. There is a hint of sympathy on her face and I feel like getting sick again. "Don't get sick honey. It's ok." She rubs my arms and I hadn't realized that I was cold until she touched me with her warm hands. I shiver and she rubs me some more.
"What do you think you know?" I hesitate with every word because I am in dangerous territory.
"You like Rick." Three words and the color drains from my face. I am not sure what made me want to do this but I didn't quite think it over.
"I love him." She seems so casual that I don't think she heard what I said. "I said I love him."
"Infatuation can seem a lot like love. But honey, you can't, he's with Gina."
"Are you gonna send me back? I mean I like your son. Isn't that like a law." She drops her hands from my arms and I feel like such a child when she calms me. I missed out on all of this and I don't cry for what I have, I cry for the fact that my mom couldn't be here to do what Martha is doing.
"I never want to lose you Kate. I don't care if you like Rick. I love you and care about you. I don't want to lose you. So, do you want to stay?" She seems hopeful and for the first time in a long time, I feel needed.
"I never want to leave you." I run back into her arms and enjoy her wrapping me up in her arms. She kisses my head and rubs my head. My body relaxes in her arms and I feel the weight from the world slipping from my shoulders.
"How about we finish what we wanted to start?" She kisses my head once more and we walk out with her arm safely wrapped around me. I feel like nothing is bad or wrong with the world when I am wrapped in her arms.
The first stop was picking out a bed. We stopped at Canal Furniture and I felt like I was a bit selfish. The place looked really ritzy and all I could hear was the register making a cha-ching sound. But Martha pushed me ahead and told me not to fret. I didn't want to ruin this for her, so I forced myself to forget about the price tags and have fun as well.
"Oh wow! Kate come here!" Lanie yelled from the corner of the store. I saw her plop onto the bed and lightly bounce on it. She was waving me on and without a second thought, I ran and joined her.
The bed was comfortable but the wood headboard was uncomfortable. I smacked my head on it and I quickly ruled that bed out. Martha was busy studying children's bed, no doubt checking for Alexis.
I let Lanie and Martha roam and I did the same. I passed canopy beds and I liked them but I didn't feel that any of them were the right choice. I passed some nice wood beds but once again, they didn't feel right. I felt like Goldilocks and none of the beds were fitting. I started to get a little hopeless when I saw a bed pushed to the side. It looked like an outsider and I immediately flocked to it.
The bed was a full leather one and I immediately fell in love with it. The legs were real silver and it looked fit for a queen. The leather was a soft lilac which I actually liked. I ran my hands along the headboard and I fell back into the bed. I loved it. I felt like I was home.
Lanie fell back beside me and turned to face me. "This is the bed."
I looked towards her and nodded. "I feel like a queen."
"Now all you need is a king."
The thudding of my heart picked up because I wish Rick could be my king but I tried to let him go, I needed to move on. Martha lay down beside us both and smiled to herself.
"I want this one." I looked around the bed at the dresser and nightstand that were a soft off-white. I slid off the bed and stood in front of the mirror and slid my finger along the silver handle and smiled. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I almost didn't see myself. I was shocked by how much I had changed. I thought back to when I was little and how I wished I looked like my mother but when I traced my face with my eyes I saw my father in it as well. I got the best of both worlds and the sudden emotion in my chest didn't make me cry but it made me smile.
"You like what you see?" Lanie cracked a joke but I wasn't about to sound like Gina so I just playfully smacked her arm. She started to pretend that it was already in my room and walked up to the store window and I followed her.
"Geeze, what happened to my amazing view?" She laughed and Martha called me back over.
"So this is it right?" I happily nod and she heads to set up the delivery and everything else that I don't have to worry about.
"So, is Chance gonna get to see your room?" Lanie looks at me questioningly and I hate to but I laugh. "Kate! This isn't a joke! You cannot, I repeat, cannot let Chance in." She winked at me. "And you know what I am talking about too."
Thank God she stops as Martha makes her way back to us. "Ok, so the bedroom set will be delivered Tuesday because Jackson will be home to help set it all up. So until then, I'm sorry Kate but the couch will be your new bed. That ok?"
"Yes." I jump off the bed and pull her into a hug. "Thank you for everything Martha." She just shushes me and I know that's her way of saying not to worry about it.
Lanie and I follow her out of the store and I know our shopping trip has just begun. In order to re-do a whole room, we need to start from scratch. So, I quickly figure out that our next stop is to pick out a paint. I have time on the ride there to figure it all out but I will have to live with every decision that I am making. I want to go with the obvious choice and pick my favorite color but pink just won't do. So, while Lanie and Martha are busy singing along to the radio, I sort through all the colors that wouldn't be absolutely hideous to look at all day.
I immediately toss aside yellow and black, pink is gone as well. But that leaves me very few colors; blue has never been one of my strongest colors. So what does that leave me? Green and red, Merry Christmas. I slam my head back into the headrest and cringe as I feel the light sting of tears starting to form. I hadn't been paying much attention because before I decide on a color, we're already here.
ABC Carpet & Home looms before me and I feel intensely overwhelmed. I turn to Martha but she just smiles. I can tell that this place will be too fancy for me and I try to deter her to a different place. She sees my shock and she just nods. I climb back in the car silently praying that I didn't hurt her feelings.
"How about a trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond?" She tries to catch my eyes in the rearview mirror and I knew she saw my smile. Lanie nods then flips on the radio. I fall back into my seat and nod my head along to whatever song Lanie is busy getting into.
I try to understand the one thing that has been nagging me since Martha and her family took me in. If they already had two kids, why me? It's not like she didn't get her girl, she got Alexis. So why even bother bringing in foster kids. She clearly doesn't do it for the money, otherwise she wouldn't be going through all this trouble. "Closer" by Tegan & Sara comes on and I yell for her to crank it up.
"It's not just a physical, I'm the type who won't get oh so critical, so let's make things physical, I won't treat you like you're oh so typical, I want you close. I want you." My body sways with the beat and I catch Lanie doing the same. I was immersed for being all about myself that I am taking all the fun away from this trip. I block out how I feel, how I might feel, and how I have felt, and I just live in the moment. And at the moment, I am letting myself be happy.
I run my hands over every fabric that I get my sights on and I am being pulled throughout the store by both Lanie and Martha. But Martha is right, get your wall color picked out before you start planning anything else. I fall in love with this wallpaper that is black and white and is a picture of trees. Not the Christmas trees but your everyday tree. I pick that out and know that no matter what, I will be able to live with it.
The next order of business is some furniture. Sure I have my bed, dresser, and nightstands, but I still need a desk, and lamps amongst other things. Martha lets me wander throughout the store with Lanie and I feel guilty the minute that I step away from her. I make it as far as the tables when I run back and drag her along with me. She won't say it but I knew that if I had left her out, she would have had hurt feelings.
I end up with a black and white desk with a world map as the top of the desk. It actually looks pretty freaking awesome. But I fear that it would blend with my walls but Martha's artistic eye saved the day. She went over and picked out a pink polka dot wallpaper and told me to wrap it around the frame and legs.
I pick out a pink office chair to go with and I am so antsy that I can't wait till it is all put together Tuesday. I skip to the lamps and find so many I like but I only need a desk lamp and one standing one and one for by my bed. I pick out a standing, baby pink, chandelier lamp, a lamp that has a soft pink shade and a pearl pink base, and a matching chandelier lamp for my desk. I think I have everything and am ready to go but I am just led to another spot. I am so exhausted that I want nothing else to do then to just lay in my bed for the last time. The realization of me not being even close to being done, sinks in, I sigh for lack of energy.
But I have no bedding, no rugs, and no decorations. I simply find a set that is a coral pink and has pink bordered sheets with a comforter that is coral polka dot on one side and then soft white flowers on the other. I find other pink sheets to go together and I head straight to the rugs. I am feeling overwhelmed and my outfit has worn off. I want nothing more than to be in jeans and one of my dad's old shirts and the thought of them waiting at my home for me, nearly kills me. But I force on. I find a big area rug that is the same baby pink that I had already picked out for everything else.
Martha pulls me aside and I feel like I did something wrong but I catch the smile along the corners of her mouth and let out my breath.
"Honey? Are you ready to head home? You have a bed, bedding, furniture, lighting, and rugs. You up for some nice rest?"
"Yes. I just thank you so much Martha, I don't know what to say. I want to seem appreciative because I really am it's just that I have a lot on my mind. I'm sorry."
"Kate," she lifts my chin up, "I can see how appreciative you are. Don't worry. Go out to the car with Lanie and we'll be home in a jiffy." I hug her for all the times I had no one waiting for me.
What was supposed to be a jiffy of a ride turned out to be a two hour traffic jam. I fell asleep in the car and Martha lightly jostles me awake. There is nothing to carry in, Martha has everything being delivered. So all I have to do is grab my backpack but my legs are so sore that I can barely stand. I am dragging my feet when I fall to the ground. I ignore what could be lurking nearby and what might have got on my dress. My backpack slips from my shoulders and I try to flex my feet. I cringe as a night chill falls over me.
Martha turns around and sees me lying there and that's all I remember before blacking out.
Turned out that I was only out for an hour but it felt like days. I lift my head to find myself in my bed. I have pajamas on and I quickly flip my lamp on. I can see the moon creeping through the crack in the curtain and I immediately head out there. The chill finds me once more but this time I ignore it. I watch the city that never sleeps and can hear giggling from the open window in Rick's room.
I know that cackling sound anywhere. Gina is in his room and I don't need to check a clock to tell me that it's really late at night. He is all alone in his room with her and my heart falls apart all over again. I know that I shouldn't care that he is with her but my heart won't let me forget. Add to the mix the feelings that I am sort of developing for Chance. But they could and never will be on the same level as my feelings for Rick. I kick myself, mentally, and leave my balcony.
I slam the door after me and try to block out the joyful noises that are coming from Rick's room but my heart doesn't block anything out. In fact, my heart beats make it worse. The love that they are sharing that is making them feel alive, is what is killing me.
My door creaks open and I hear little pitter patter of feet and know it is Alexis. I don't want to cry in front of her but my tears fall and my chest aches and moans. She rests her hand on my bare arm and I slide over as she crawls in.
"Sissy? Are you ok?" She has her stuffed bunny in my face but I leave it there.
"I will be. Just upset about a couple of things." I wipe my cheeks and watch the moonlight illuminate her face.
"I can help. I'll sleep with you so you won't be all alone. That help?" Her little face is full of innocence that I would never tell her otherwise. I nod and she scoots underneath my arm.
Unless my date with Chance is decent, I feel like I will be destined to be alone. I need a serious turn around. But it takes forever for me to get that laugh of hers out of my mind so I can finally sleep.
I shake awake and I slam into something. My hand collided with my nightstand and the shooting pain courses through my arm. I shove my sheets off me and slide quickly out of bed. When I blink my eyes, Alexis disappears and my parents' dead bodies take her place. I scoot further from my bed and slam into my wall. I can't scream, my voice escapes me. I just keep my eyes open and try to wish it away.
I slide down the wall and ball up on the floor. I store up all my bravery and close my eyes. I am so fearful to open them that I just stay right where I am. Then my door creaks and I start to rock back-and-forth. I silently plead that they haven't become real again. When a hand slides along my arm, I scream.
"Kathryn!" My name said through Jackson's voice, forces my eyes to open. I feel horrible but I slide away from him. "Kathryn, it's me, Mr. Castle." I blink my eyes and my parents are gone and there's just a confused and crying Alexis left in their wake. He turns his attention from me to his real child, Alexis. I watch him soothe and calm her down and my heart feels it all again.
The loss of my father and mother forces me to shift from being sad to being angry. I am upset that I no longer have them, that I will never have them again. I stand up on my feet and storm out of my room. I don't wait and watch how they look or feel as I leave. I grab my sneakers and quickly slide them on. I slam the front door shut after me and just run.
I run from the pain and sadness that I feel. As the night chill creeps across my skin, I start to cry. I ignore everyone else that is awake and currently staring at me and continue on. I pump my legs until I begin to ache. I notice that I have run all the way to Central Park, so I push on until I find the nearest bench. Fortunately for me, it is free. I start to slow my pace and sit down the minute I come upon it.
I don't worry about what might be lurking in the night and just try to calm myself down.
In all my unplanned running away, I didn't check what time it was nor grab my jacket. I try to warm myself up by rubbing my arms but nothing helps. To make matters worse, I am in nothing but a pair of boxers and a thin t-shirt. I hear a twig snap and my head pops on full alert. My imagination starts to imagine all the horrible things that could possibly be heading towards me and I jump up off the bench.
"Hello?" My voice barely reaches an octave that could be heard when another twig snaps, off in the distance. There is some rustling of trees and I don't wait around to see what is out there. I turn and run back to where I started. But in my paranoia, I easily forget which route I take.
I don't know their neighborhood as well and in the pitch dark, everything looks the same. I start to sweat and know only one thing can help me now: find a police station. My legs and chest ache but I run anyway. I have no other choice than to push through the pain. And the minute my legs take me there, I start to think of how Martha and Jackson might be feeling about not knowing where I am.
"Can someone give me a ride back home?" Three cops look me over and they all start to ask me questions right away. "If I give you their number can you call them to come pick me up?" That settles that and as I wait in the police station, wrapped in a blanket, I feel the guilt seep through all my cracks.
I didn't stop to think about how my running away might affect someone. When I ran from Cher, she didn't always worry about me. It wasn't like she never cared it was just that she had others to worry about. And when I ran from a foster home, they never cared. They had their money and that's all that mattered to them. But now, I have Martha, Jackson, and Alexis who worry about me. I left Rick out because if he worried about me, he wouldn't have broken my heart. I had never run away from my parents, because there was no reason to.
I hear Jackson before I see him. He is busy calling my name in urgency and my heart folds in on itself. When he walks into the room, I rise from my seat. He stops in his tracks and I open my mouth to apologize but my words are busy being stopped by the sight of him shaking his head. I have no idea how to make things right so I stop myself for trying to fix things. What's done is done, and I of all people, should know how that feels.
The car ride back home is silent but I expected him to yell at me and say how selfish I was or, at least something. But he stays quiet as do I. I watch the streetlights as we drive by and I try to explain to myself, why I made the choice to run. It all started when my parents died. I ran because I didn't know how to feel about it. I wanted to forget it and running seemed the way to block it from ever happening.
The front door opens and Jackson lets me step in first and I am immediately bombarded by Martha's open arms. She pulls me close and squeezes me.
"Oh, Kate, you're freezing." She grabs the blanket she was using and quickly wraps it around me. I kick my shoes off and let her lead me to the couch, where Alexis is trying to stay awake. The minute her eyes see me, they light up. I feel like crying from seeing the pain I caused her.
"Sissy! You're ok!" She jumps into my arms and I hold her on my lap. She is so small when I hold her that I feel like the worst person in the world for having hurt her.
"Yeah. I'm so sorry Alexis. I shouldn't have scared you like that. You forgive me?"
"Duh. I love you." She kisses me smack on the lips and I smile at her now rosy complexion.
"Come on Alexis, I'll get you back to bed." Rick's voice shoots through me and sends a warmth through my entire system. But the look drops me cold. He say nothing else but just walks away from me. I try to hold back my tears but in a mad rush, they fall.
Martha and Jackson sit beside me and take turns trying to calm me down but, my tears continue to fall anyway. I ignore their soothing voices and be selfish some more. I want to cry because I let them down and not only that, Rick broke my heart and he doesn't care. He didn't even care that I ran away. He was so busy worrying about only him that he walked right over me.
"Kathryn, honey, what's wrong?" Martha has no idea the can she is so intent on opening.
"So much, too much, I. . . I wanted to turn it all around in my favor but I can't. I want to change but I don't know any other way to." I give myself a three second pep talk and my tears start to slow.
"What do you want to turn around?" She wipes hair away from my eyes and I look at her. She is not mad but just hurt.
"I am so sorry to you both for running off like that. I have done it so much that it's become like instinct. I never had someone actually worry about what happened to me until you guys that I never thought to think how it might hurt you. Can you guys forgive me?" I look back and forth from Martha to Jackson and watch as they look at each other.
"Honey, let me say something first. Ok?" I nod and let Martha continue. "Why did you run in the first place? What scared you so bad that you screamed?"
I hadn't thought this question was going to get asked of me so I am completely blindsided. I want to tell her I do but I don't want her to not want me anymore.
"Kathryn?"
"No one has called me that since my parents. What?"
"Sorry, can I not use your full name?"
I want to say yes but my parents were my parents, even though I love Martha and everyone, it feels wrong to allow anyone else to say it.
"Not right now. I ran because I saw my parents. They were dead and lying in my bed. I was so scared that when I felt Jackson touch me, I thought it was them." I am about to tell them about how I hit my hand but I don't need to, Martha takes it in her hands and examines it.
"Did you notice this?" She holds my left hand out for Jackson to see and I wince. "Sorry honey." The skin is torn and the blood has scabbed over but it still lies somewhat open.
"I woke up and slammed it into my nightstand." Martha's brows furrow. "What?"
"You might have been bruised but not cut from hitting the nightstand. This is a deep cut." She made me follow her into her bathroom while she doctored me up.
"I really am sorry Martha. If you want to send me back, I get it."
"Don't say such stupid things. Why would I let you go?" She wraps a bandage around my cut and I follow her to the kitchen.
I wait while she makes a cup of tea for both of us and while I wait, I watch her. She makes everything look so graceful like she is moving art that I can't shake my eyes from her.
"Here." She sets my warm mug in front of me and when Jackson walks back into the room, he beckons her out. I can't hear what they're saying but Martha takes care of that. "Kate, why would you keep a knife on your nightstand?"
She holds out the butcher knife that supposedly had been laying on my nightstand but I know I didn't put it there. But I know who would: Gina.