How come all three of the two disc games I ordered only came in one disc cases? Also, Xenosaga appears to not work past a certain point about twenty minutes in, the screen goes black and if I make the disc spin again all I get is the map in the lower corner, but nothing else. I'll send in an email and I know they'll just give me another another for free like they did last time. So that's not a problem.

But you want to hear about the chapter and not my petty life, eh? I'm not sure why, but this is one of the most proofread chapters I've ever had. I must have gone over it four times, and I'm not sure why. Hell, I still want to give it another go over just to make sure.

And apparently a lot of people really liked the last chapter. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :3

Published October 30, 2011

Death Mountain: Still Not Just a Name

"He is dead with a capital D. Splattered from here to Death Mountain I'll bet. We'd need to suck up his remains with a hose if we want to get anything."

"I get it."

"Did you see how far he had to fall? I could still hear him after half a kilometre! I think I heard a girlish scream right before the end, but that could have been the boar..."

"Enough already!"

"Who are you speaking to?" Goht asked. Link, Goht, and Diababa were returning to Kakariko village, two with their heads held high and one seconds from smashing his head on the cliff.

Link sighed at the prospect of alerting another uncaring bystander to his plight. "It's this bodiless voice that's been haunting me for a few days now. Yes, ha ha, Link's insane, I don't care."

Goht's eyes turned green, dimming for a moment. "Reading motherboard. Reading complete. Diagnosis one: have you recently ingested Magic Beans?"

"No..."

"Diagnosis two: have the ents of Faron Woods cross pollinated within fifty feet of you?"

"No. Wait, we have ents?"

"Diagnosis three: did Odolwa give you a purple, heart shaped mask sometime recently?"

Link blinked. Then his eyes widened. "No way." Shoving a hand into his pouch, Link wrenched out Majora's Mask. "YOU! YOU! YOU'RE THE BASTARD!"

"Heeheeheeheehee. It looks like the game is up. I wonder how long it will take for you to win the next one."

Letting out a dry laugh, he pulled his arm back. "That's a good one. For a second, I thought you were serious about not getting hurled into a stone wall. Actually, have you ever been fed to a barn full of goats before?"

"Can't say I have," Majora said. "It doesn't sound like a fun game though."

"That is ill advised," Goht piped in.

Link's wrist twitched. He was too eager to get rid of this thing to worry about any consequences. "I might listen to you if I wasn't so angry at everything right now. Do you know what it feels like to be oiled up, put in a diaper and slapped around by a man twice your age?"

"Affirmative."

"Didn't- Wait, what?"

Her flinch would have been more subtle if it wasn't accompanied by the squeaking gears. "It is... unimportant. If you so desire, please, continue."

"With pleasure." Link hurled Majora's Mask at the nearby stone wall, letting out a triumphant laugh as it swirled through the air. His laugh was literally cut short when a tendril shot from the back of the mask, wrapped itself around his tongue and yanked the mask back. It crashed into his face, knocking the not-hero unconscious.

-Half an hour later-

In contrast to the dry, cold air of the path he lost consciousness on, Link awoke to the dry, warm air of Renado's house. The shaman was looking out a nearby window. "Do not sit up too quickly," it said without turning back.

Link jerked into a sitting position, the blood rush sending him into unconsciousness again immediately.

-Half an hour later-

This time, Renado placed a hand on Link's chest to hold him down. "What was the last thing you remember me saying?"

Link groaned, vision blurring for a moment. "Don't... sit up?"

"Good, you were listening. What was the first thing you did?"

"Mask... Where's the mask?"

"I'm right here, back in your pocket. Diababa had the courtesy of returning me, my friend. And don't play Frisbee with me again, I didn't like that and you won't like it either."

"No!" Link tried to get out of the bed, but due to his lack of orientation he slipped and smashed his face off a drawer.

-Half an hour later-

Link awoke, head throbbing twice as badly. "How are you feeling?" Renado asked him.

"Not good," he groaned, pushing both hands against his forehead.

"That is because you just learned that collision detection does, in fact, exist. Are you going to do ail yourself again?"

Link shook his head.

"Then answer me vocally instead of jerking your bruised brain around like that. I shall fetch your flora friend and tell her you plan to stay awake this time." Renado left the room, leaving Link alone.

"You're not alone. You're never alone."

He quickly sat up, ignoring the pain. "YOU!"

Midna pulled herself out of his shadow. "Stop yelling and stay put. You've already sidetracked us for ninety minutes and I think your head has suffered enough."

Her words met deaf ears when Link pulled Majora's Mask out again, glaring at it. "You... I'll deal with you here and now!"

-Half an hour later-

Why was he opening his eyes to see Renado's ceiling again? "I am beginning to wonder if I should even let you wake up."

Adding to the last question, why did he have no depth perception? "I am not sure how, but you hit yourself in the eye hard enough to fall unconscious. I do not plan to ask, nor do I wish to know."

Link tried to sit up but hastily learned how he was belted to the bed. "You may have noticed that I lashed you down with some belts I bought from Barnes specifically for this purpose. This is because I no longer trust you enough to leave you to your own devices while I get Diababa."

"I'd object, but considering what's happened this is actually kinda reasonable."

"Yes it is. Try not to choke on your own tongue." Renado left, giving Link one final stare before closing the door.

Midna popped out of his shadow, hovering above his head and cackling excitedly. "I can't believe you thought that would work!"

"What? Thought what would work?"

"That stupid thing you did."

"WHAT DID I DO?"

Midna just kept laughing.

-Half an hour later-

Seeing as Link had yet to harm himself in the last thirty minutes, he set off for Death Mountain with Diababa and Renado. Goht left a long time ago, just leaving word not to mess with the artefact of unspeakable evil. Link learned this lesson the hard way. He was also being introduced to the world of a Cyclops, greatly disliking the eye patch approach to life. Diababa was approving of it at least, constantly wishing she had a patch of her own. Telling her how stupid this was would be a waste of breath.

"Can you please explain what the boots are for?" Link begged, not liking the idea of walking blindly up an active volcano without knowing what he was trying to do.

Diababa smacked him over the head, almost triggering a relapse. "No, don't! I like the surprise."

Sadly for the perky plant, Renado was more willing to satisfy Link's needs than hers. "The Gorons have been rather unfriendly lately, and may attempt to roll down the mountain and crush us should we get close."

"WHAT? WHY ARE WE KILLING OURSELVES BY GETTING CLOSER?"

"Fortunately, with these boots, we are able to stand our ground against their assault."

"Oh yes, I'm SURE that having heavy shoes will completely protect us from-"

"HEY!" A Goron stood around the corner, glaring viciously. "You're not supposed to be up here, humans!"

Diababa began to jump around behind them. "What about me? Can I come?"

"Er... I'm not sure. We weren't told anything about giant plant things. What are you?"

"I'm Diababa."

"Charlie, stop talking to the intruders and crush them!"

"Right! I'm supposed to kill you guys. No hard feelings aside from when my stone hard skin splatters you down the mountainside, right?" The Goron curled into a ball and started to roll, rapidly accelerating.

Renado pulled Link forward. "Now, put on the iron boots and use your mighty strength to overwhelm that Goron."

"WHAT? I don't stand a chance!"

"Do it or we all die."

Grumbling, Link slipped into the iron boots and entered a defensive stance, ready to catch the Goron. "This is a bad idea."

Then Goht jumped down in front of Link, taking the Goron head on. The Goron easily lost. "How stupid are you?" she asked, unable to comprehend how this plan was supposed to work.

"Wasn't my idea... Wait, have you been following us?"

"Yes. You bear resemblance to a former comrade of mine, and I was curious if you shared his lack of self-preservation instincts. I appear to have been proven correct."

"I'm telling you, I thought this was just as stupid as you did!"

-Minutes later-

"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE TO CLOSE TO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO?"

Link, Renado, Goht and Diababa were frantically dodging falling ash and molten rock that Death Mountain was spewing like a newborn who didn't know how to hold his bladder back. Meanwhile, Midna was enjoying the fact that her body was incorporeal in the normal world.

"IT'S CALLED DEATH MOUNTAIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHY WOULD YOU MOVE HERE? AH! THIS IS HARD TO DODGE WHEN I CAN'T JUDGE DISTANCE!"

-Shortly afterwards-

The diagonal trip ended, leading the ensemble to a plateau. Renado pointed to a passage in the mountainside across from them. "We are almost there. We should move quickly, before more notice us."

Goht nodded. "Yes... sir?"

"Can do, ma'am!" Diababa exclaimed, mock saluting.

To Link's frustration, Renado ignored both of them.

Before he could think further on the matter, a gigantic slab of rock impaled the ground not three feet from Link's foot. It easily as large as Diababa's natural form, if somewhat thinner. "Being struck by Death Mountain's debris may result in quick death," Goht stated.

His eyelid twitched. "No shit, really?"

"I am merely attempting to alleviate the pain your mind is likely experiencing by trying to determine the answer."

"Gohty-girl, I KNOW that being popped beneath a rock twice the size of my house will kill me! I'll be dead with a capital D! Splattered from here to the bottom of Death Mountain! You'd have to use a hose to get what's left of me!"

Diababa coiled a vine over Link's shoulder, shaking him roughly. "Don't worry! If any of those mean rocks tries to kill you, it'll have to go through me!"

The group continued their trek, dodging a few more eruptions on the way, and soon entered through the aforementioned entryway. They were immediately met by six Gorons, all charging up and ready to make a new carpet from their blood. Luckily, a voice commanded them to halt. An older looking Goron was walking forward, staring with a mixture of shock and amusement. "I am Gor Coron, an elder of our people. I know you, Renado, but who and what are the rest of you?"

"Name's Diababa! Nice to meet ya."

"I am Goht."

Link nodded lightly, eye still darting between the six angry rock people at their sides. "Link."

Gor Coron put his hands on his hips, looking up and down at them. "I see. Because of certain circumstances, I must lead the Goron tribe in place of Darbus, our tribal patriarch. I will address your concerns today. Tell me, assorted monsters, why do you come?"

"Link has come to take a dangerous relic which may have found home on your mountain," Renado said. "I am here to see why you have become so hostile as of late."

"The mines beyond here are sacred to my tribe," Gor Coron said. "Outsiders are not allowed."

"Uh, sir, we didn't say anything about the mines," Link meekly said, trying to look as small as possible next to Diababa.

"He does this. It is best to let him finish," Renado whispered.

Gor Coron put up a friendly smile. "I could make an exception, but you would have to beat me in a contest of power. Are you willing to try?"

"No," Link calmly answered.

Goht's cold logic made short work of Link's rising hope, deflating his happiness in an instant. "Link, you told me during a conveniently cut scene that you were after a Fused Shadow. It's likely that there is a correlation between the evil presence up here and their chieftain's state of being. We should investigate further."

"LINK!" Diababa jumped in front of her. "We should check the mines. There might be a Fused Shadow in there on chief whatshisname!"

"I just said that," Goht snapped.

"I was thinking it first."

"And now, it's time to play: WHEEL... OF... MISTIMED BATTLE AND TRIAL!" Gor Coron had pulled out a large, wodden wheel with Link, Goht, and Diababa's faces drawn on it. "Who has to fight me? Only the wheel knows now!" He cranked the wheel, bouncing gleefully as it spun. Link crossed his fingers for Goht.

It stopped on our green garbed protagonist. "SHIT."

Gor Coron was already in the ring, a bag in his hands. "Get over here, tiny human, and take it like a man!"

"This is hauntingly familiar..."

The ring was significantly larger than Bo's, giving Link more room to run around and scream like a little girl once the stone man started chasing him. He climbed inside, slipped on the iron boots and took his spot opposite Gor Coron. The elder stared patiently. Link shifted uncomfortably. "Well? Take off your shirt!"

"What?"

"Do you plan to sumo wrestle or not? Take it off!"

Link slipped off his shirt.

"Your pants, too!"

He dropped his pants. "As long as I don't have to wear a diaper..."

Gor Coron leaned back, laughing jovially. "Of course not! However, you must wear this Goron kilt." He tossed a cloth to Link.

"That's a giant diaper."

"It's a Goron kilt! Now wear it!"

He slipped on the 'kilt'.

"Now let us oil each other up!"

As appealing as smashing his face into a wall felt at that moment, Link forced his body to assist Gor Coron. Soon they were shiny and slick, ready to start grappling and rubbing against each other. They stood at opposite ends, bowed, and began.

Link started by running to the side, frantically avoiding Gor Coron as fast as the iron boots would allow. "Link, you must trust in the boots," Renado advised from the sidelines.

Link ducked one of Gor Coron's palm thrusts. "I trust the boots to keep my feet sturdy. I don't trust them in stopping my face from caving in!"

In a twist of fate, Link was soon pinned against the edge of the ring with no means of quick escape. Gor Coron jerked forward, barrelling full force into him. Link just closed his eyes and pushed back.

When he realized that he wasn't dead, Link cracked an eyelid. Gor Coron was struggling, pushing with all his might to move Link even an inch. He didn't budge or squish like a bug either, both good signs. "Does not compute!" Goht screeched, sparks flying from her head. "Link should have broken in either the spine or knees, should not be winning! Error! ERROR!"

Renado was grinning.

Link shoved back, throwing Gor Coron off. "Thank you for the support!" The elder came at him again, but this time Link was ready. He ducked the initial attack and grabbed Gor Coron by the knees, using the rock man's own weight to throw him over his back and out of the ring. It took a moment for victory to sink in. "Sweet Din, I beat a Goron..."

-Meanwhile, in the Sacred Realm-

"Hear that bitches? I actually do stuff!" Din proudly proclaimed, laughing maniacally as her sisters sighed in exasperation. "Heh, those iron boots are the first of the Three Holy Objects I blessed the world with. The second is that list I gave to the postmen. The third is-"

"Din, we know," Farore interrupted, grabbing the boisterous goddess by the hair and shoving her teeth-first into the floor. "We really need a new presence around this place..."

-And back-

"Well done!" Gor Coron grunted, rising to his feet. "You have sharp eyes!"

"Wait, what?"

"Of course!" Diababa cried out in realization, bouncing like a child with a sugar high. "Link's keen eyes were what let him put the boots on the right feet, right?"

"Error! ERROR! Database H fully corrupted. Initiating contingency protocol." Goht kicked Link in the face.

"Before you go into the mines, I should tell you that patriarch Darbus is inside and he's been turned into an enormous flaming monster," Gor Coron explained.

"Just because his preferences are a bit different than yours doesn't mean you can call him a monster."

Link sighed, his head spinning and mind throbbing. "Diababa, can you go play patty cake in a corner for a bit?"

"Ha. I'm silly but I'm not stupid, Link."

"So you say..."

Gor Coron coughed loudly. "We have locked him up deep inside the mountain."

"Can you open it up for us?"

"No," the elder answered, smiling widely. "It will be a test of your wit and might."

"I have a super analytic robot and... Diababa. I think I'm set in both categories."

Gor Coron shifted, his smile dropping as he looked down at his feet. "We may have lost the key as well."

"Fantastic."

Link finished redressing, ignoring Majora's taunting of his 'choice' for leg wear, and looked over the entrance to the Goron Mines. A faint, instable glow could be seen in the depths, drawing a groan and headache. This would be searing hot, painful, and full of annoyance.

"Now I know you think that skirt will give your crotch some nice convection in there, but is it really worth sacrificing your manliness over? Oh who am I kidding? You never had any manliness to begin with."

At the first chance, that thing was going to be cast into the lava.

From the corner of his eye, Link noticed Renado approach him. "I must stay behind and talk with Gor Coron about the six villagers his people crushed, five of which were before the Gorons became hostile," it said, giving the elder a subtle evil-eye.

Gor Coron responded with a light shrug. "We sit on a mountain all day and eat rocks. There has to be some way to pass the time. It's their choice to wander up Death Mountain, just like it's my people's choice to blindly throw each other off the peak and bet on whether or not one of you humans gets hit."

"My god that's hilarious. We're coming back here later."

Link walked toward the mines. "I'm going in now. If you hear a short scream, I threw myself in the lava."

"Also hilarious."

GASP! The voice was MAJORA! Who could have ever seen that plot twist of the ages coming? No one I say, NO ONE!