Disclaimer: Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Title: Gray-colored Happiness
Chapter: 10 of 42
Chapter 10
The air in the office is thick with anticipation and unasked questions.
Light, cruel and harsh, invades the many open windows to curl up, over and around me like some sort of iron chain. Its terrible intense brightness makes the Hokage look like nothing more than an ominous shadow as she sits at her desk like a queen, there to cast down her judgment.
Has it always been this damn sunny in Konoha?
"So, Uchiha," the woman finally says, an amused lilt to her voice. "You've heard what the elders have to say . . ."
"Yes." My jaw aches with stiffness when I open it.
"And what do you have to say about it?" Her question slides fluidly over my answer as though I never opened my mouth.
I look at her steadily, the pupils of my eyes as thin as they can be.
"No." My answer is resolute. "I'm not doing it."
I can see her smile even in the shade of her hands.
"I thought you would say as much." She lowers her arms to her desk so her hidden expression becomes clear, the sunlight glowing around her. The smile she wears is almost sinister. "But I don't believe you have seriously considered it."
"I don't have to consider it," I reply blandly. "It's unreasonable."
Her expression remains implacably the same. "It is not unreasonable at all. You cannot expect to get something for nothing and the elders have been more than reasonable. Uchiha," she shakes her head as her smile fades. "Sasuke. You need to really, seriously think about this. And the consequences. It is an extremely generous offer, much better than you have any right to expect."
My eye twitches. And the muscles in my calf strain from the pressure of pushing my foot into the floor to prevent me from attacking. I can feel that ice-cold hatred suffuse and cloud my mind.
/She deserves it. That sanctimonious, arrogant bitch./
My breathing becomes heavy and ragged with the effort to squelch that rage and of all the times that I could use a little medicinal aid, now would be opportune.
A buzzing nervousness sneaks out from the back of my mind, the need for something to soothe me, but I choose not to dwell on it.
I wish that . . . but it doesn't matter. He's not here.
"I can't do it," I say simply, because it is true. I know deep down inside the center of my self that I cannot suffer those indignities. I cannot do what they want.
It isn't worth it.
"I can't do it." The repeated statement sounds odd to my ears.
Tsunade closes her eyes and shakes her head before running her fingers through one side of her hair to smooth it out. "It is not so difficult. You certainly could agree to it. You're simply acting like a little child and refusing to because you can. You are the one being difficult."
So? "I'm not doing it." I shift to put the bulk of my weight on my other foot, trying to ease some of the tightness in my shin. "I am sixteen years old," I say forcefully, letting the outrage of what they have asked truly sink in. "I already passed the first two stages of the chunnin exam and was well on my way to completing the third."
"But you are still, technically, a genin." She spreads her hands wide and plants them palms down to her desk. I can see the curious tilt to her head, and her serious expression becomes visible as the rays of sunlight dip behind a building.
Technically or no, I'm not degrading myself. It is an insult, meant to humiliate me. "No," I reply, letting a little of my anger bleed through.
The Hokage snuffs loudly through her nose. She shakes her head again and looks to the side with a thoughtful expression. Then she turns to face me straight on. "You may have power, but you neither have the discipline or control. You do not have the understanding of what that kind of power should be used for. You're too self-centered. Sending you back to genin training will help you learn that. And if not, you can stay there forever."
The hairs on the back of my neck rise hotly. "I have discipline and control." I twist my mouth into a cruel sneer. "Or do you think Orochimaru would be a kind and forgiving teacher?"
She contemplates this uncomfortably while studying the outlines of my face. Her hands come together slowly, clasping when at last they meet. Taking a deep breath, she finally speaks. "That may be so. But you still haven't learned what it truly means to be a ninja. To protect your teammates no matter what, to follow through with your assignment regardless the obstacles. You simply left your comrades behind, both in Leaf and in Sound. Ninja are tools to help, protect and save others, not a means to an end. And yet you have only ever been a shinobi for yourself. It is not about fighting and strength and power. Those are just the actions a ninja takes, not his purpose."
My pupils shrink sharp and I hear him in the back of my mind hissing like a snake and knowing as I do how much of that pretty little speech applied to him. He had interest in the knowledge of ninja but not the practice. In that sense, I suppose we are the same.
I never pretended otherwise.
"Maybe I don't want to be a shinobi anymore," I retort smartly. I do not know whether it is the truth.
"You already are a ninja." Her face is hard and stern, harboring not even a hint of doubt. "Whether you want to be or not is irrelevant. It is in your blood, not just because you are Uchiha, but also because you are Sasuke. And he has always been a shinobi. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise."
My heart jumps into my throat at this, caught between anger and something completely the opposite. But that changes nothing. I can't go back. "No. I won't do it. On a team with kids! They can say that it's so I 'can learn' all they want, but it's just a test to see if I'm willing to demean myself enough to go through with it!"
I cross my arms to keep me from lashing out at her just to satisfy my frustration.
/And why not attack? That would be fun./
'I am not listening to you.'
/Ku-ku-ku-ku./
'And stop that laughing. It's stupid.'
"Well, of course it is," the woman says with a good-natured laugh of her own, waking me from my pointless internal conversation. "Of course they want to see how far you're prepared to lower yourself in order to stay. If you're not willing to do even this simple thing, then they know any contrition on your part is purely superficial." She inclines her head, still grinning like a cat. "And there is absolutely no point in getting a superficial vow from a ninja."
I don't care for her logic; it won't make me agree.
Yet there's this nagging pull, asking me to stay.
Would it really be that bad?
/Yes./
Yes. But unbearably, impossibly bad?
/Yes./
Yes. So it is better to simply let it go and let them do their will. I have long been prepared for the worst.
So be it.
/Come now, my boy. What about all that rage? It would be such a waste to give it up now. And fighting would be so much more enjoyable, wouldn't you say? At least then you could get a little of the revenge you owe Konoha down and settled before taking your last pitiful breath./
'Don't you mean your revenge?'
/Perhaps./
'Oh really. Don't you mean for me to attack and be weakened so you can find the opportunity to take over?'
/Perhaps./
I snort to myself. So predictable. As if I would fall for such blatant nonsense.
/And yet, you are considering it./
I shift my weight uncomfortably because he is right.
/Well then. What about the other parts of the deal? Ready to forgive all that then? Not that I mind, of course. . ./
And then remembering another stipulation, my anger, like a beast inside me, begins to swell out of my control. Because that, that is not under their jurisdiction.
And I just cannot comply, plain and simple.
It is my personal life!
"Besides," Tsunade says back to her own topic, a small smile still on her lips. "It is not all that uncommon. Some ninja never rise past the rank of genin, as you well know. The only difference between them and you is that you would be on a training team instead of a fully functional one. You have an undeserved superiority complex. Even so, you have too much power to simply let it go to waste. During the days when you are in genin training," I scowl at her and her eyes crinkle in delight, "we would need to seal most of your power to prevent it from getting out of hand. But on other days, you would be receiving individual specialized training, at which times we would unseal it. Somewhat."
I feel a rush of giddiness inside that distracts me. Not that I want or need anymore training, but I'd like to use the skills I've worked so hard to attain without the unnecessary chokehold.
/Just like an obedient dog. How easily you are swayed. Do you really want another Konoha seal branded into your skin? Do really want to be tied to this place? And what about the rest, my pet, have you forgotten about that so soon?/
I release and then re-clench my hands, feeling the tightness in my tendons and skin.
No, I haven't forgotten their invasion into my private life.
"Am I supposed to just lie down like a dog-"
/Ku-ku-ku./
"-and do everything those wrinkly old bags want from me? Everything?" My teeth gnash roughly against each other as I fight to keep my cool.
"Wrinkly old bags they may be," the woman says, seemingly serious, but for the twinkle in her eyes, "But they are the lords of our country and deserve our respect."
Pursing my lips in disgust, I turn away, scraping my raw nail along my palm. Respect? For what? What have they ever done than claim a title they are in no way entitled to?
/Order ninja around like common servants to hunt down cats and pluck weeds?/
Exactly. Should they ever do anything to warrant my respect they shall have it, but until then they get nothing. Respect is a thing to be earned, not just freely given.
"You're thinking of that other condition, aren't you?" She doesn't have to clarify for me to know precisely what number on the list she is referring to.
My head rises up to look her straight in the eye. "They can't just expect me to do whatever they want. It's not like there aren't other factors involved. I can't just make . . ."
"No. Although technically, it shouldn't be too difficult, just not guaranteed. But for you, yes, I suspect you may have a difficult time." I don't get a chance to consider her words or her curious expression before she goes on. "And it does teeter on the boundaries of propriety and reasonability."
I snort.
"But they are not completely out of their rights."
"What?" I actually take a step forward, the first since entering the room, my hands burning at my sides, threatening but not threatening as the Hokage simply sits there. "How can you say that? Saying that my job is under their control is one thing. But this is my personal life. They can't tell me what to do."
She shrugs noncommittally. "It is not normal, but given your situation and how much reason they have not to trust you, they can impose whatever conditions they like."
"But," I say, knowing how stupid I sound. "I'm only sixteen."
"Shinobi often die young."
She just stares at me, waiting for my seething anger to boil over into outright rage. But I won't let it. They'd all just love it, wouldn't they? Any excuse to be done with the matter. And she sits up there like some sort of royalty, handing down verdicts as though she is better than the rest of us. Her fingers begin drumming against the solid wood of the furniture as she leans her chin into her free hand, smirking at me. "Funny how sixteen is either 'too old' or 'too young' dependent on the situation."
I can feel my face become burning flushed, my anger curling and coiling like a spring.
/Or a snake./
I feel entirely too tightly wound; I'm afraid to make a move that might set that spring free.
/A little anger is healthy./
'What do you care for my health?'
Across the room, Tsunade gets to her feet and crosses in front of her desk to lean back on it slightly, her hands holding her weight there, her legs crossed at the ankles.
"Listen, Sasuke." Her voice is steady as is the infuriating arrogance of her face. "You just have to agree to it for their sakes. And for your own, unless you truly prefer death to life in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. You have to at least try. Whether or not you choose to follow every condition afterwards is your decision."
Calming my thrumming nerves, I fold my arms over my chest and scoff. "As if you care."
"You may not believe me, but I do care." She inclines her head, her eyes softer, searching, and I could almost believe her. Almost. "You made a lot of mistakes," she goes on. "But I do not think you meant to make them."
I don't know what that's supposed to mean. My gaze shifts to the floor, to the wall, to the pictures that hang there, anything to avoid looking at her. There's fake sympathy in her eyes and I don't need it.
All she has ever shown since I arrived here is contempt. Hatred for being selfish, for almost getting her precious little boy killed, for somehow being that important to him . . .
And now, now she acts almost as if I am one of them. One of the Leaf . . .
/It suits her interests, nothing more. Do not be fooled by her little act, my pet. She is in the pockets of the elders, a worthless kowtowing bitch, and the elders only want what they can use./
Yes, I know that. And yet . . .
/And you want to believe in a lie?/
I want to believe in the truth.
I flex my fingers nervously.
But I cannot change who I am. "I won't do it," I say resolutely, not meeting her eyes.
"And why not?" Without looking, I can tell by the timbre of her voice that her expression has changed.
"They don't have a right to govern my life." I insist.
The pulse of the air pulls in sharply.
"They have every right!" The piercing curtness of her shout shakes the walls and sends the dust flying. "You are a shinobi. A ninja. Or were once, at any rate. Your life is not your own. It belongs to the village to do with as they see fit. And that means in every aspect."
My eyes lock onto my brief future as it quickly floats by.
"So I don't have a choice then?"
She sighs heavily. "You always have a choice, Sasuke. But you have to understand that the choices you make have consequences." She looks at me meaningfully. "Be sure to make the right one."
"What if I'd rather face the consequences?" I ask quietly. "What if I'd rather make the other choice?"
"Then you are a fool." She pushes off from the desk and circles back around to her chair. "A bigger fool than I took you for."
My gaze darts in her direction, shooting daggers, if such a thing were possible. "And wouldn't I be the bigger fool, as you so eloquently put it," my voice barely escapes the rasping confines of my throat, "if I were to subject myself to disgrace and humiliation and slavery to stay in a place that holds nothing for me?"
I can feel the hotness of my blood, churning slowly like molten lava through my veins. They are no different from Orochimaru, or the Akatsuki; to them people are nothing more than instruments, to be used and disposed of.
Tsunade scans me up and down, her mouth a thin stripe and despite her well-practiced jutsu, I can see the frown lines cutting deep into her face. She is on the fence; I can see it as clearly as I balance there myself.
But then her expression changes, softens, and the jutsu remains intact, making her look young and sweet and new.
"And what about Naruto?"
And with that simple name, I feel myself fall off.
/Pathetic./
"Naruto," I say, feeling the word roll over my tongue thickly. "He's OK?"
The minute that passes in silence between us stretches like a torturous year.
Then she smiles, a little sadly, but honestly.
"He is fine."
The relief I feel is far deeper than I could have ever expected and I almost crumple to the floor with the release of it.
/Truly, truly pathetic./
"Are you just going to leave then?" Tsunade asks me, her words hushed. "And forget about him? And Kakashi and Sakura? They've all been on your side, though you don't deserve them."
"As long as I know they're OK," I say, and gather my shredded pride to stand up straight. "That's enough."
Her eyebrows crease up into her forehead, her eyes taking on a skeptical hue. "Are you so sure of that?"
But I don't get the opportunity to refute her when there is a hard knock at the door. Not taking her eyes off me, the Hokage barks a brisk, and a little short-tempered "Come in!" and the door opens.
She continues to stare at me a bit more before finally turning her attention to the newcomer ninja.
"Ah," she says, lowering her head and taking a seat. "Ibiki-san. What perfect timing."
"Hokage-sama," he replies stiffly.
The sound of his name followed by that voice I know so well, sends an involuntary and very exasperating chill down my spine.
/Ku-ku-ku-ku./
They can't have changed their mind; that would have made this whole meeting pointless. I've already told them everything.
/Everything?/
All that they need to know. They cannot have any more questions.
/If it is so irrelevant, then why not just tell them?/
The miniscule trembling of my bottom teeth becomes annoying, so I slam my mouth shut. My stupid nerves need to get under control. I never was like this before. Not until after . . .
'It's your fault.'
/Ku-ku-ku. Does it help you to believe that?/
After a long, analytical gaze, Tsunade turns from me to direct her attention to the scarred threat beside me.
"Ibiki-san." She speaks with utmost professionalism. "I would like your opinion. Please."
I choose a small spot far-off in the distance and concentrate on it.
"Uchiha has been trained well." The statement seems to boom through the office. "Perhaps a little too well. Most men would have broken before that. He held out much longer than I expected."
I stand a little taller, hearing the reluctant, begrudging respect in his words.
But then my shoulders sag, hearing the lie in it.
It could have been, should have been worse. A lot worse. I know this. I have experienced it countless times before. What the Leaf did to me was mere child's play.
"Were it not for his connection with Uzumaki, he may very well be holding out still."
The sides of my mouth turn down sharply. Yes, the Leaf may be gentler, but it is more devious. And that is why, no matter what name they wear, they are all the same.
Tsunade simply nods and motions with her hand as if to say "go on."
"He's keeping something to himself." I can sense Ibiki's dark, penetrating eyes on me. "And I'm not sure exactly what it is. But I do not believe it is something we," he turns his gaze back to Tsunade with concealed meaning, "need to concern ourselves with. I believe whatever it is affects himself and his relationship with his brother. But we have what we need for now. The rest, whatever it may be, can come later."
My eyelids flutter anxiously. 'What we need for now'? 'The rest later'?
That's all wrong.
"But you believe that Uchiha Itachi is dead?" The question seems to weigh heavy on the Hokage's shoulders.
Ibiki turns again, his gaze once again boring into me.
"Yes. Itachi is dead. On that point, I have no doubts."
I try not to let the anything show on my face, but I do allow my muscles to relax slightly. When I do, there's a strange sort of tingling that threads through me and I have to shake my left arm to get proper feeling back. They aren't questioning the truth of my answers, just the completeness.
If they were smarter, they'd question both.
And the confidence sours. Why aren't they questioning it?
There is huge sigh from the Hokage, her face very pensive while the light glows around her.
Maybe they don't want to know. It would put you in a very tricky situation, wouldn't it, Hokage-sama?
Her face, however, remains passive. "And you have nothing else to add?"
Ibiki stares a moment, out into nothing, and I try not to let it bother me. At last, his beady eyes focus on Tsunade and he says succinctly, "No."
The woman waves her hand, almost relieved, and dismisses him. "Very well. Thank you, Ibiki-san."
He nods tersely and leaves, sparing only a brief glance for me.
This is too easy.
"Uchiha." Said shortly, it recaptures my attention. I turn to her and see her eyes drawn to my hand, which I am stretching at my side. Abruptly, I stop, but a trace of the prickling remains.
Tsunade's lips pull into a smile that does not look at all friendly.
"Have you reconsidered yet?"
Looking at her coldly, dispassionately, I let the question go by unanswered.
She leans back. "Think very carefully. A few concessions."
I huff irritably under my breath.
"A few concessions and you'll be allowed to stay, at least for some amount of time."
I narrow my golden iris eyes, thin and unrelenting. "Yes. A few concessions." I pause thoughtfully. "What did you say to the elders?"
Her smiles strains at the corners, but she doesn't reply.
"I am not stupid." I try to look through her. "Your hand is heavy in this. Why?"
A wave of fear and anger ripples over her face before smoothing back out. Her mysterious smile is back; she will tell me nothing.
"Are you going to hold me captive here until I reconsider?"
She shrugs lazily. "Maybe."
I stand still, take a breath and stare back out to that speck in the distance.
"And if I do agree, then what happens?" I'm stalling for time.
/You are not seriously considering this are you, my pet?/
'Stop calling me your pet, you freak.'
"You know the terms." She clears her throat and locks gazes with me, back in her element. "If you refuse now, there is only one option. There won't be any second chances. But if you stay and abide by their rules, well, you just never know. Is it really so much to ask?"
Yes. And even if I did agree, it would only extend this worthless life, not save it.
Her eyebrows pull together tightly. "Are you really and truly sure there is nothing here you want to hold onto?"
A flurry of images flutter over my mind's eyes.
Naruto.
My closest friend and the only reason I came back here to begin with.
That doesn't make it my home, though.
/What nonsense./
But can I do this? Am I willing to put myself through all this just to keep my friend?
Is he worth it?
I look to Tsunade.
Is he?
The sun peeks back out into the sky and pierces me in the eye. I blink it away.
I turn my head to the side and mumble. "Fine."
My parasite huffs.
/How could I expect any different for a little boy who never changes? Well, I suppose we could just attempt an escape later. You did it once, I'm sure you can manage to do it again./
Tsunade's frown brightens to a smile, a little too happy, if you ask me, and way too relieved. "Good. Very good." She picks up a stack off papers and straightens them. "Then I suppose it's time you settled in."
"Settled in?"
Her mouth twists unpleasantly, the look of the unmitigated victor on the battlefield. "Of course. You didn't think we'd just let you live alone, did you? Besides, you've still got a bit of healing to do before you enroll back in classes," she giggles maliciously, "and someone will need to oversee that. And also make sure you don't fall into any unnecessary trouble."
"I've been on my own before. For quite a long time as I recall." Growling under my breath, I shoot her an especially nasty look.
But she just smiles and makes no further comment, as if I have said nothing.
"I've made the necessary living arrangements for you." She stacks the papers into the "in" box sitting on her desk. I wonder how she has any clue which documents are new or old, in that vast disaster area of papers and scrolls and pens. "Your roommate should be arriving any minute now."
"Roommate?" This can't be good.
"Ah." Tsunade's short word is the only warning I get before there is a swirl of wind and leaves in the localized tornado materializes in the space beside me.
"Sorry I'm late," says a voice I remember all too well. "But see, there were this old lady and this cat . . ."
Sullenly, almost willing it false, I turn around to see, but there he stands: his big silver hair sticking out to one side, his one eye closed in a happy crescent and that smug smile concealed beneath his mask.
He raises his hand in greeting.
"Yo."
You have got to be kidding me.