Mutants in Tights - A Parody of a Parody
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Maybe I should call you a cab. Although, it's gonna be hard to find one that will go to hell this time of night".
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ACT 10 - Can't fight the moonlight
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Still in the Merry Mutants camp, Rogue and Wanda ride in on their horses
"Marian", smiles Remy happily
He walks over to her and holds out his arms to help her off her horse. Rogue happily jumps into them
"Mmmmm...", she sighs, "Kitty was right, you DO have strong arms".
Wanda sighs sadly from her horse and Sabertooth walks over as Remy did
"Here allow me", he says with a fanged grin
"Thank you", says Wanda, jumping into Sabertooth's arms, but the padding is too much and Sabertooth falls to the floor, Wanda on top of him
"Puurrrrrr", says Wanda
"I think I'm a little old fer you", whimpers Sabertooth
"Honey bee", asks Todd, "...what are ya doin'?".
"You're so sweet, is there anything I can do for you?", asks Wanda
Sabertooth looks more than slightly paniked as she stokes his side
"Yeah...you can get off me".
Wanda gives Sabertooth a glare that would melt an ice-berg before getting up and storming off
The other Merry Mutants have a laugh at this
"Little John!", chides Remy
"I didn't DO anything and", Pyro blinks, "...oh...him".
"I panicked!", whimpers Sabertooth, "I don't want adultery on my list of offenses..thank you".
"Darling", says Remy, turning to Rogue, "why have you come here?".
"What?. A'h can't just pop by to visit my man?", snaps Rogue, before frowning, "...a'h've come to warn you. Prince Pie and Rottingham have hired murderers to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go!".
"Well..dats easy", says Remy with a shrug, "Remy won't".
"A'h so happy...man, that sounds cheesy!", says Rogue, "They were going to try and lure ya'll there by having an archery contest".
She and Remy close in for a kiss, when Remy suddenly turns his head away, thinking)
"So glad I missed out on dat coma", says Remy, before smiling, "An archery contest?".
"Their archer is unbeatable!", says Rogue.
Remy stokes his goatee in thought, then blinks as some hair comes off it
"Remy's goatee isn't well", he whimpers.
"I'm not surprised", says Forge, "the amount of times you stroke the thing".
"At least Remy got a proper goatee", says Remy, "instaed of dat dinky t'ing on your chin".
"You leave my love patch alone!", snaps Forge,
"Will you two STOP IT!", screams Jamie.
"Reeaaaaallly?", ponders Remy.
"Ugh, ya'll worse than Pietro with the competition thing, what IS it with men and their need to prove their masculinity?", mutters Rogue, "Promise you won't go!".
"Ok, I promise you wont go", says Remy with a nod
"Thank you...", says Rogue, then pauses, looking slightly confused
"Hey, vait a minute Remy", says Kurt, "you said..."
"Cooooool it", says Remy through gritted teeth as he kisses Rogue's gloved hand
"Chilled", says Kurt.
Remy and Rogue smile before going off on their own
"De night is young and you're so beautifull", he says, "...B flat".
Rogue blinks, then Remy suddenly bursts into song, making her jump
De night is young and you're so beautifull
"You tryin' to give me a heart attack!", snaps Rogue as he keeps singing.
Here among de shadows, beautifull lady
Open your heaaaarrrt
As Remy seranades Rogue, the Merry Mutants gather on the other side of a sheet, which is spliting the pair from the rest of the camp, making Rogue and Remy seem like shiloettes
"Popcorn?", asks Kurt, handing some to Pyro as Remy continues to sing.
De scene is set
De breezes sing of it
Can't you get into de swing of it lady
When do we start?
When de lady is kissable
Kurt, Forge, Sabertooth and Pyro start to act as background singers
Ooooooh ooooooh ooooooohhhh
Rogue blinks, looking around for where the backing vocals are coming from, while Remy swings her hands in his
And de evening is cold
Oooooooooh ooooh ooooohhhh
Any dream is permisable
The other Merry Mutants start to sway to the beat
In de heart of a voooooooo...
He gasps for beath
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh
De moon is high and you're so glamourous
And if I see more varamous lady
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
What can I dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?
This line causes a small gust of wind to blow Rogue's crown off her head She grabs it, grinning stupidly as she fits it back on.
De night is young and I'm in love with yoooooooooouuuuuuu!.
On the other side of the screen, Remy's sword looks likes something very, VERY different, and the Merry Mutants cheer and egg Remy on. Remy pulls down the sheet and the Merry Mutants give a disapointed sigh, seeing it was only the sword. The pair walk off again
"A whole damn forest and STILL no privacy!", snaps Rogue
"Oh my dearest. Remy ready for dat kiss now", he says, then pauses, "...please don't put Remy into a coma".
"But first, I must warn you...", says Rogue, holding up a finger.
"Gambit knows about de life-absrobing t'ing chere...", points out Remy.
"Shut up!", snaps Rogue, "It could only be a kiss, for I am a virgin...and will be forever because of my power!"
Rogue suddenly drops to the floor and starts to cry
"Wait...this isn't in the script", says Jamie, flipping through pages.
"A'h hate m'h life...I'm depressed now" sobs Rogue, storming off, "a'hm going to ma'h trailer!".
"But...we haven't finished shooting!...damn it", snaps STAND IN!".
"Oh non!", cries Remy as Mystique dances in, transforming into Rogue
"Ahem. And could never go..all the way", says 'Rogue;
Yeah...right, since when?", snorts Forge
"Shut up you!", hisses 'Rogue', shooting a glare at Forge.
"But...", starts Remy
"Unless of course, a'h were married", says 'Rogue', "Or if a man pledged his endless love to me".
"Funny, all I needed ta say was 'Ya fancy a quick one?' and you were game", says Sabertooth.
"Qui...", tries Remy, grimacing at the mental image.
"Or if a'h knew he desprately cared for me", says 'Rogue', then thinks, "...or if he were really cute".
"You're shivering!. Are you cold?", says Remy, shutting her up, "What are you wearing underneath dat cape?".
"Practically nothing", purrs 'Rogue'.
Remy sighs and goes to hug her, followed by a metalic thunk, Remy giving a groan of pain
"Oh...except that", says 'Rogue', "A'h forgot to tell ya'll about ma'h chastity belt...it's an Everlast".
"...I'll bet", whimpers Remy, "little Remy, speak to me!"
"Oh darling, don't despair for it is written on a scoll...", says 'Rogue'
They both look out into the void, signifiying something of importance)
"What are we looking at?", whispers Remy.
"One day he who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my" 'Rogue' pauses for effect, "...virginty".
Sabertooth and Forge collapse in a fit of laughter.
"Okay, from now on, ex-boyfriends have NO opinion!"., hisses 'Rogue', "I'll kill you both while you're sleeping!"
"Oh Marian", sighs Remy, "if only it t'were Remy".
"Wow, you pulled off the English accent!", says 'Rogue', Oh if t'were you, it t'wd be t'wererific!".
They lean in to kiss
"Achtung!", saps Wanda, "No dingding without the Wedding ring".
They sigh, looking down, then try again
"Eh bepbepbepbep!", says Wanda.
"Gambit...kinda glad, somet'ing wrong about kissing de mother of de love of your life", mutters Remy
'Rogue' gets on her horse
"Goodbye, my dearest.", Remy sighs
'Rogue' waves and then she and Wanda ride off, leaving Remy waving like an idiot
"Too-ta-loo" says Remy, "Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai".
"CUT!", shouts Remy.
"Good", growls Mystique, "'cause I know two men who REALLY want to die!"
"Run away!", cries Sabertooth.
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Heh heh, madness. Forge and Sabertooth have both dated Mystique in the comics before now (obviously, not at the same time), if you didn't get that gag ;) Do review. Until next time...