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I'm doing my very best to make coffee but the damn machine isn't agreeing with me. As I struggle with buttons and spilled coffee grounds Ashley is slowly walking around my small apartment.

The reason I'm having so much trouble is probably because I'm watching her instead of what I'm supposed to be doing. There is an obvious limp to her gait yet she does her very best to hide it.

She's staring at everything; the dozens of pictures on the wall and the endless books I have stacked or piled everywhere. Every now and then she gives a small smile when she looks at something.

It's good to see her smile. Finally I have made what at least looks like coffee. I hand her a steaming mug before placing myself on the couch. She sits on the other end of the couch.

The silence is deafening and I'm praying she breaks it soon.

"I handled things wrong," she slowly starts to speak, barely above a whisper, "a few months ago I said things and didn't do a good job."

"Is that supposed to be an apology?" my voice has an edge to it that I don't recognize.

"No," she shakes her head, "I said I wouldn't apologize. I needed you to leave me alone because I needed to be able to do this by myself; I needed to breathe without the help of someone else."

I'm doing my best to try and understand what she means, what it must be like for her but I can't seem to.

"Listen Ashley, I know that you've been through hell. And I want nothing more than for you to be better. Do you believe that?"

"Yeah, I do."

The coffee tastes terrible and I set my mug aside, "Ok, here's the thing...you are not allowed to do this. You are not allowed to say that you love me or hate me and then just throw me away. How is that fair to me? I didn't even get to react to what you said."

Now she's looking at me and there's a flicker of light in her eyes that I haven't seen since she's been back.

"Ashley, if you had let me speak I would have told you that I went back to L.A. for you." The pain of the past catches up and I swallow a lump in my throat down.

"Spencer…"

"I went back after a semester and a half but you were gone already to some military base in Texas. So I came back here to New York and did everything I could to move on with my life. My heart broke that day I found out you had enlisted."

Now there's desperation on her face and it's the same look I had on mine all those years ago.

"Well why didn't you call me and tell me you had tried to come see me?" she's clutching her coffee mug so tight that her knuckles have turned white.

I sigh and close my eyes, "Because I loved you so much more then you ever did me."

She opens her mouth to speak but quickly shuts it as if she just now realizes how true my statement is. I watch as she processes the truth, it's hard to witness. There's pain and regret resonating from every part of her body.

"Spencer, I-I'm sorry."

We both know she's apologizing for the past.

"It's ok, I'm ok now." I reach over and grab her hand, she only flinches slightly, "but we have a problem now. You're in love with me."

Her hand squeezes mine tighter.

"I am."

"I can't tell you what you want to hear right now Ashley."

The sensation of her hand in mine vanishes as she cradles her face in her hands. For the first time I notice the long thin scars all over her forearms…dear god what did they do to her?

"So you're saying you don't feel the same way." It's a statement not a question, and it's one of defeat.

"Yeah, yeah I am." I hate hurting her but I can't lie to her either, that would hurt both of us more.

Ashley gives me a solemn nod, "Ok." She stands as quick as she can but I'm faster to shoot off the couch.

"Ash," she pauses in my open doorway, "I'm not saying that you and me, us, is over. I'm just saying not right now, ok?"

She glances over her shoulder and her eyes meet mine, eyes that are so familiar and yet so different. No words are spoken but I know she understands.

X X X X X X X X X X

The snow is coming down hard and swirling all over the city. Almost every business is closed and people are huddled inside their homes. Oh no, not me. My stupid ass is trekking to Glen and Kyla's place for an impromptu dinner. What I have zero food left in my apartment?

I brace against the biting wind as I round the corner and their apartment building comes into view. Ah thank goodness. There is already several inches of snow coating the sidewalks and I have to walk carefully so I don't fall flat on my ass. This is my biggest issue with New York City, the maintenance of the sidewalks is terrible. Just last year I busted my ass so hard I had to sit on one of those donut things for two weeks.

Before I can even let myself into the apartment the door busts open and I'm enveloped in a bear hug.

"Ow, shit Glen you're hurting me!" With my free hand I punch him as hard as I can in the shoulder but it just makes him giggle.

He sets me down and ruffles my hair, "Took you long enough to get here!"

I aim a deathly glare his way before brushing past him into the living room. Kyla and Ashley are both perched on the couch talking in soft voices, exchanging secret smiles. Of course she must feel me staring because Ashley's intense gaze lands on me and I clear my throat uncomfortably.

"Hey Ashley." Ugh quit being so awkward.

A slight nod is thrown my way before she excuses herself to the bathroom. Her departure gives me a chance to grab some wine.

"Spencer, you look all shook up," Kyla places a hand on my shoulder, "what's going on?"

Oh sure, nothing Kyla. Oh wait yeah your sister is in love with me and for some unknown reason I can't seem to dig up any feelings for her.

"Just a rough few days at work that's all. And I hate all this snow!" The adorable couple across from me chuckle knowingly and I watch in, what I hate to admit, jealousy as Glen gives her temple a gentle kiss.

Dinner is filled with the usual conversations, jobs and the economy and sports and family. Even Ashley participates and admits to missing her parents and being addicted to Jersey Shore. A glance out the window and I realize you can't even see two feet in the blizzard.

"Ah Spence, you better stay here tonight." Glen puts on his best brotherly voice, "I know it's not that far but I just don't like you out in this stuff."

There are moments (more recently) where Glen sounds just like how Dad used to talk to me; it's a small comfort.

I can feel Ashley looking at me and I do my best to stay focused on Glen.

"Ok well Kyla and I will go fix up the guest bedroom for you then." I kiss his cheek in thanks and we say our goodnights because I know those two are going to bed now.

Now I'm left standing awkwardly in the middle of the room with Ashley staring at me with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm not going to bite you know." There's an amused tone to her husky voice and the beginnings of a genuine smile playing around her mouth.

A chuckle escapes me and I flop down in the recliner, "I just don't want things to be weird between us."

"Oh you mean because I'm in love with you and you don't feel the same…" she's trying to joke but there's a sadness in her voice she can't hide, "don't worry I'm fine."

"Ashley," I lean forward, "I don't even know you anymore. Can't we just get to know each other again, as friends?"

It is clear to see that this is not what she wants but what choice does she have?

"Right, good idea."

I notice that she has not touched a drop of alcohol all night.

"Are you not drinking tonight?" I say before taking a sip of my own beverage.

Ashley's hazel, no lighter than that tonight so toffee, eyes close for a few moments before she gives an answer, "My therapist says drinking might lead to me substituting my issues with booze."

The word 'therapist' surprises me and it must show on my face.

"Don't look so shocked Spencer. What did you think I was doing these past three months?"

"Well I have to admit I am impressed. I did want to tell you how amazed I am by how far you've come."

Then another surprise when a cynical laugh jumps out of her mouth.

"I still can't sleep and when I do finally sleep I have dreams, no nightmares. I wake up screaming bloody murder and thrashing so violently I almost hurt Kyla. And that's just one of the many things that haven't gotten any better."

For a few horrible moments I'm afraid I've upset her and she'll leave. Then I watch her take a deep breath and the crazed look in her eye disappears.

"I'm sorry Ashley."

When she looks at me I can see she's beyond exhausted, physically and emotionally.

"For what Spencer."

"Everything."

And with one word I say a thousand apologies and we both know it.

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