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Chapter 10

Eli and I were finally together and we were both really happy. The only problem was that we were both at crunch time in most of our classes and there were papers and projects galore that needed to take precedence over our burgeoning romance. So we'd spent lots of time together in the past two weeks, but most of it had been spent surrounded by textbooks on his bed, balancing our laptops on our laps. On good days we'd take a little time out to grab some ice cream or coffee and hang out in the cafeteria for a little bit longer.

But we'd decided we'd both had enough of working, so we'd promised each other a date night. We'd even decided to go off campus for dinner, which aside from family dinners, neither of us had done since we moved in at the end of August. It was kind of funny since we'd both stayed in Toronto not only to be close to our families but because we truly loved living in this city. But it was so easy to get sucked into university life and not leave the bubble of dorms and classes.

After a dinner at a nearby Thai restaurant where we promised we wouldn't talk about school but kept debating all of the films and books we'd read for our seminar anyway, we went for a walk down the bustling street. As luck would have it, we ran into Maureen and Jerry outside the small indie film theatre and decided to join them. After a three hour foreign film, I was exhausted so we declined their invitation to go out for drinks and headed back to the dorm.

I was catching Eli up on my weekend plans as we got back to campus, holding hands the whole way. "Tomorrow's my first girls' night out with Mom," I said happily. After our talk on the way back from Grandma's funeral, Mom had sent me a huge email telling me how much she'd been missing me even though I was right across the city. We'd decided to start spending some time together, just the two of us, and I was pretty excited about it. I had told her over the phone that her advice had paid off and Eli and I were together but I wanted to give her the full story.

"Hanging out with your Mom on a Saturday night? Sounds thrilling," he teased.

"I'm looking forward to it."

"That's good," he said, squeezing my hand. "I should probably try to get home at some point. I'm definitely getting low on laundry."

I rolled my eyes. "There's a laundry room in the basement, you know."

"Yeah but laundry at home is free-er. And if Cece's in a good mood, much less labor intensive." He grinned. "And the clothes smell better."

"Well make sure you do that soon," I joked, leaning in to pretend to sniff him and wrinkling my nose. "You're kind of gross right now."

He laughed. "I promise you that every item of clothing I'm wearing tonight is clean. It must just be that I'm nervous being around such a beautiful girl."

I smiled and bumped my shoulder against his. We had just reached the dorm and I really didn't want this night to end. I could tell he was feeling the same way because he led me down to the absurdly slow elevator rather than taking the stairs that led directly to our rooms.

I stood next to my door and Eli wrapped his arms around me. "Goodnight," he whispered, leaning down to give me a soft kiss.

"Goodnight." I stood on my tiptoes to repeat the gesture.

He was gazing at me with such intensity that I couldn't help but lean in again, tangling my fingers in the ends of his hair and deepening the next kiss. His hands moved from a light hold on my waist to my back, embracing me more closely. He was leaving me breathless, a skill I remembered from when we first dated that none of the other guys I had dated after had managed quite so effortlessly. And when his lips starting moving, along my jaw and down to my neck, I noted that we were still in the hallway and two of the girls from down the hall were exchanging amused glances.

"Maybe we could take this into your room for a little while," I breathed.

"Oh, I like that idea," he groaned into my neck, and after one last kiss, he broke away, fumbling in his pockets for his keys.

I tried to catch my breath while he opened the door but it was a very brief reprieve. Eli flicked the lights on and then continued his aggressive kissing, all while swinging me around and lying me down on his bed. Without breaking the kiss, he lay down too, half next to me, half on top of me.

We'd had a few study sessions that ended up like this but we had forced them to remain brief. But tonight there was nothing else on the agenda, except for sleep, and at the moment, I wasn't feeling even the slightest bit tired.

I was starting to feel a little bit frustrated.

That was definitely a familiar feeling from the first time Eli and I had dated. His kisses were electrifying; there was something about his lips and tongue and the way he used them that just sent jolts through my body, leaving my skin tingling everywhere and a wetness between my legs. But Eli had always been so polite, so afraid of offending me, that he never risked taking things any further. That was something I appreciated when I was fifteen and I thought that anything beyond kissing was a prelude to sex. But now his ever careful hands were just teasing me into a frenzy without giving me any sort of relief.

Every time he moved I thought Okay...now he's going to do it. He removed his hand from my waist and I braced myself for him to finally bring it up to cup my breast, my body trying to arc into his touch before it even landed. But instead, his fingers grazed my cheek, holding me to him as his tongue continued to caress mine.

I grabbed his ass, hoping a little bit of forward behaviour from me might give him the encouragement he needed to no effect. So when his lips left mine to explore my ear, paying special attention to the cartilage piercing that I had recently switched back to the original hoop, I decided to try to move things along. "You know, I'm not fifteen anymore."

He let go of my ear and gave me a confused look. "That's good because I'm pretty sure this would be illegal." His lips found my neck again and I pushed him away just enough so that he would look at me again.

"I'm just trying to say that I'm not a little girl anymore. You don't have to be afraid of offending me." He still looked confused, so I decided to lay my cards on the table as directly as I was willing to get. "I may still be a virgin but I've done things with boys."

He looked amused for a second but he covered it well. "Oh yeah? What kind of things?" he repeated, mocking my awkward tone.

I cringed. I had thought that would be enough to start his imagination. But there was so way I was telling him that – as gross as it was in retrospect – I'd let Jake remove my shirt and bra on a few occasions, and with Liam that was a regular occurrence. And in one of those prom night induced – and perhaps slightly Mike's Hard Lemonade influenced – moments, I'd allowed Liam to put our hotel room to slightly more advanced use and given him the go ahead to do a little bit of exploring under the skirt of my prom dress. Of course our level of inexperience and nerves had made that new step a lot more awkward than sexy and once that moment had passed I hadn't given him another opportunity to try it again in the two months before our break up.

But there was so way I was telling Eli any of that, particularly the part about Jake since we'd deftly avoided his name since we got back together. So I put on the sexiest face I could muster and tugged him a little closer to me by grasping the neck of his shirt. "More than kissing kinds of things."

His eyebrows raised. "Ah," he said, I supposed in understanding. "Should I be jealous?" His eyes twinkled.

I grinned. "No, you should be happy that now you get to do these things with me."

"Oh, I'm very happy." He leaned in for a brief kiss. "I can't convince you to give me any hints?"

I knew my face was bright red. Why did we have to talk everything through first? Why couldn't he just put his hands on me? "No," I mumbled, looking away so I didn't have to meet his eyes.

"How about this?" he whispered, right next to my ear. "I'll tell you what I'd like to do and you tell me if it's okay." I could only nod, unable to speak. And then in the sexiest tone imaginable, right up against my ear, he whispered. "I'd like to take some of your clothes off…and I'd like to touch you everywhere."

His fingers strayed to the collar of my shirt, tugging it down maybe a centimetre and between his words and his innocent touch on my skin, I wanted to say yes to anything he could possibly ask. Mustering all of the courage I had, I met his eyes. "Only if I can do the same to you."

His eyes fluttered shut involuntarily but when he opened them a moment later, I could see how badly he wanted me. His next kiss proved that all of his hesitance was gone, but then he pulled back a little and gave me a smirk. The hand that wasn't resting on my collarbone slowly but surely started unbuttoning my shirt, while the other trailed behind, smoothing over my untouched skin, a millimetre at a time. I whimpered as he grazed my cleavage on the way down, his lips starting the same journey at the juncture of my shoulder and neck. His slow, torturous path down my body was absolutely the most erotic thing I had ever experienced.

At the last button, he spread the fabric of my shirt and when his other hand completed its journey and his mouth was trailing down my stomach, I was shocked when he started to unbutton my jeans. It wasn't that it was an unwelcome gesture, but I wasn't quite expecting it to happen so soon. He sat up to tug them off, taking very deliberate care to make sure that my underwear stayed in place, while I shrugged off my shirt.

I expected that he'd climb back on top of me and keep things going but he stopped for a moment, sitting next to me on the bed, and gazed at my body with lust in his eyes. I definitely didn't have the self-confidence to accept his feelings at face value, but I forced myself to keep my arms at my sides, rather than cover up my breasts or my even rounder than usual stomach. I had never felt quite so exposed; even though two other boys had seen me without a bra on, neither had removed my pants before. But in some ways, Eli had given me an out. He was seeing more of my body than he ever had before but he'd left just enough clothes on that I was technically still covered. Even in his eagerness to get me naked, he'd still been sweet enough to make sure I was comfortable.

"You are…" Eli whispered, interrupting my nervous thoughts. He grazed my body down one side as he fumbled for the right word. "Incredible," he finally decided. He continued his slow, tender exploration by trailing his hand back up, this time taking my breast into his hand. "Perfect," he murmured.

I was getting the picture that Eli's default pace was slow. He wanted to spend hours kissing and caressing and while it felt incredible, I'd been waiting years for this. So I sat up on my knees and pulled him to me, tugging his shirt over his head while I took the lead and kissed him. He moaned in response, especially when my hands started exploring all of the skin I hadn't let myself see when we first dated. He was still really skinny but he had the tiniest hint of a developing beer belly that made me feel a lot better about the weight I'd gained this semester. And his skin was soft and smooth, except for a tiny trail of hair that started below his belly button and led to a place I definitely hadn't explored before.

Eli was responding exactly how I'd hoped and I discovered I really liked being in charge. I'd always been so tentative with guys, just following along with their kisses and their suggestions. But Eli made me feel comfortable and I could tell he liked how I was leading. So I took things I step further, pushing him back onto the bed and climbing on top of him. I paused for a second to catch my breath and Eli took the opportunity to take my face into his hands.

"Can I even tell you how many times I dreamed about this?" I raised my eyebrows in surprise and a little bit of embarrassment. "All I could think about was you on top of me, with messy hair and your fucking amazing breasts practically falling out of your bra." He reached for the exposed skin of my chest and I knew that I looked exactly like what he'd dreamed about. "God, I jerked off to that image so many times. I didn't even get to fuck you in my fantasy because just the thought of you looking so sexy would make me come."

I summoned every last bit of courage I had. "Maybe this time I could take care of that for you."

His head fell back against the pillow and he closed his eyes. "Fuck, keep talking like that and it won't even be necessary."

Eli had always been so polite when it came to fooling around that there'd always been a few lingering doubts in my mind that he wanted me. I mean, sure, he was a boy and I knew if I really asked him to sleep with me and he was sure I meant it, he would have said yes. But this whole experience was so raw and charged and he wore his lust on his face and in his moans and I knew just how was he was feeling.

The look on his face when I reached back and unhooked my bra confirmed it 100%. In fact, the look of rapture on his face was pretty much the only response I got since he was so overwhelmed he didn't even make a move. I leaned down, pressing my bare skin against his, so I could remind him of his wish. "You've taken off my clothes but you still haven't touched me everywhere," I whispered, tugging on his earlobe with my teeth.

"I'll have to change that," he said. He flipped us over and fulfilled his promise, his hands skimming over ever bit of skin from my neck to my thighs, as his mouth tantalized mine. He seemed to have caught on that I wanted to keep things moving because he started grinding his hips into mine. I spread my legs underneath him to give him a better angle and even wrapped my legs around his waist to bring us closer together. He stilled my hips and put a little bit of distance between us, giving me a soft smile. "I always knew you were sexy…but I had no idea it would be this amazing."

I tried to pull him back to me with my legs but he had other plans. His fingers slipped just under the elastic waist of my underwear, looking at me for confirmation. I couldn't form words so I just nodded and he slipped the fabric off my body. I barely had a moment to freak out that I was completely naked or to worry that my attempt to neaten things up down there in the shower this morning hadn't been enough; he threw his body back on top of mine and his fingers slipped inside me. I was glad he was kissing me because he muffled the loud moan that I couldn't stop on my own.

But as I got closer, he pulled back to watch my face as his fingers stroked my most sensitive area. There was nothing blocking out my pants and moans as Eli brought me to heights I'd never reached before – not even on my own during a few brief attempts at experimentation. His thumb circled my clit just as he leaned down to take a nipple into his mouth and I let out a loud, "Ohh, Eli," that made him grin.

"I had no idea you'd be a screamer," he teased. "You're going to give the girl down the hall a run for her money."

"Shut. Up," I muttered.

My face wracked in pleasure as he continued, his eyes never leaving mine. "I'm so close," I whispered, needing him to do whatever it took to take me over the edge for the very first time. He rubbed his fingers against me with just the right amount of pressure and I let out a scream as my body felt the ultimate pleasure. He gave me a few more soft strokes and then moved his hand away to let me cool down. The feeling was so intense and unexpected that I couldn't move. I just panted against his pillow and he watched me, at first looking very pleased with himself though I could see a few traces of confusion.

He lay down next to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. "If you want to stop, that's okay."

"No!" I protested, perhaps a little too strongly. I pushed him onto his back, trying to ignore the slightly dizzy feeling in my head. I attempted to undo his pants but his predilection for wearing skinny jeans wasn't helping anything. He reached down to unbutton and unzip them, smirking when I put on a brave face and tugged both his pants and boxers off him.

I definitely didn't have very much experience with this part of the male anatomy. I had touched Liam once or twice but that was through his pants and just a brief thing. The only time I had actually seen one in person was a complete accident. But I wanted to show Eli just how much I wanted him and give him as much pleasure as he had for me. So I knelt next to him and took him into my hand for the first time. Despite his initial moan, I had no clue how to make this good for him. I cursed myself for being so inexperienced, wishing I had been brave enough to watch porn so I at least knew what was supposed to happen.

But I did have one unfortunate frame of reference that I thought might help me. A few months after Mom married Glen, I woke up early and really had to pee. I ran to the bathroom I shared with Jake, shocked that when I opened the closed but unlocked door I found him masturbating. It took him a few seconds to realize that I was there so I got a good view of him and how much he was enjoying it before I whirled around and escaped. It took a few weeks before we were able to look each other in the eyes again.

So very deliberately, I started stroking Eli the way I had seen Jake do it to himself. But after a few strokes he grabbed my hand and pulled it off him. "Woah," he said, surprised but not in a good way. "You have to work up to that."

"I'm sorry," I said, totally humiliated.

"Try this," he said softly and patiently. He put my hand back on his penis and wrapped his around mine, helping me set a soft rhythm. I could see the difference in his expression immediately, and though I still felt awful for screwing this up, I was glad he was enjoying it. He helped me quicken the pace and then his hand fell away, leaving me to finish him off on my own. He wasn't noisy like I was, but I liked hearing his deep breaths and occasional quiet whimpers.

It wasn't long before he whispered my name and spilled over my hand. I was so embarrassed that I didn't know what to do, but he pulled a few tissues off his nightstand and handed them to me to clean myself up. I had to get up to throw them away and when I came back to his bed, I had no idea how to act. Should I snuggle up with him? Or run away and never see him again? I shifted my weight between my feet as he looked up at me in confusion. "Was that okay?" I finally asked.

He laughed, but in a kind way, not like he was making fun of me. "Your hand was touching my cock," he said. "Of course it was okay." He patted the space next to him on the bed and I lay down next to him.

I could feel the wheels turning in his brain. "Can we talk about this?" he asked after a few moments of hesitation.

I cringed. "Can we not?"

He leaned over me so he could look into my eyes. "Clare, you know…you can be honest with me. You don't have to try to impress me or pretend we're at exactly the same point."

"I'm not," I protested.

He peered at me. "You started this by telling me you had done things, but judging by your reactions, I'm not sure that you had."

"I did," I said, realizing I was sounding like an idiot. "Okay, maybe not the…" I made a hand job kind of gesture in lieu of saying the words. "But the rest of it I had done before." His eyebrows asked the question and I sighed. "Once."

He smiled softly. "See? You made it out like you became some sort of foreplay expert in the past few years. But it's okay with me that you're not, you know. You don't have to pretend."

Ugh. This was amazing how talking about this stuff was more embarrassing than actually doing it. "It's just…I wanted to do these things with you. And you never initiate them. I'm afraid you just assume I won't want to take things farther, and that means I have to be the one to initiate them and that's scary for me."

Eli looked at me with a new glimmer of understanding in his eyes. "Okay," he said. "Next time, you shouldn't be afraid to bring things up. And I won't be afraid to suggest new things, as long as you promise to stop me if you're uncomfortable or not ready."

"Deal," I said, smiling as he leaned in to give me a quick kiss.

He sat up and leaned over to the floor, grabbing his boxers and handing me my underwear and his t-shirt. I wondered if this was my cue to say goodbye for the night. But after I pulled the shirt over my head, he pulled me into a tight hug, like he was holding on for dear life.

"What's wrong?" I asked, realizing that something had shifted in tone.

He pulled back to look at me. "There's one more thing we should talk about."

The seriousness in his voice made me nervous especially when he looked away and stopped meeting my eyes. "I had a girlfriend in Vancouver."

"Oh," I said. It wasn't really a surprise that he had dated someone in the past year, but I hoped the fact that he was bringing her up now didn't mean that he still had feelings for her. The thought of that made me feel a little nauseous.

"Her name was Kate and she lived down the hall from me and we met on move in day and got together not too long afterward. We broke up in November," he said hurriedly, rushing to get through it.

"Okay," I said, not really sure if he wanted a response. So they dated for like three months? That was about how long we had dated for back in high school.

He looked down at his hands. "Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this isn't because I still have feelings for her or anything because I don't. We've been broken up almost a year and I haven't even talked to her since I moved back to Toronto, and I have no desire to change that."

"Okay," I said again, my voice almost turning it into a question as I wondered where he was going with this.

"But I think you have a right to know…" He took a deep breath. "I slept with her."

Oh. It was a testament to how innocent I was that I had no idea that was where he was going with this. I wasn't really sure how I felt about this new development. "One time?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even.

He blushed, still avoiding my eyes. "Uh, no. It was kind of a regular thing."

This was just getting better and better. "Were you…were you in love with her?"

He hesitated for only a second but then he looked up at me. "I don't know," he said, his voice sincere. "I thought I was at the time, but in retrospect…I'm not really sure."

"Why did you break up?"

"We wanted different things," he said after a moment, dodging my question in the vaguest way.

I really wasn't sure what to say to that so I kept quiet. He reached over and placed his hand on top of mine. "I'm not telling you this to make you uncomfortable. I just thought you had a right to know. And we were safe every time, and I got tested so…there's nothing for you to worry about."

That was a reassuring thought. And it wasn't like he picked up some girl at a bar and had a once night stand. She was his girlfriend and they had some sort of relationship though Eli didn't seem inclined to share any more details about that with me.

"So you've slept with Kate…and Julia…and…?"

"That's it," he said emphatically.

As unpleasant as it was to find out he had slept with another girl, at least this one lived halfway across the country and was a stranger to me. I was really relieved that Imogen hadn't made his list.

"Okay," I said, in soft acceptance.

"You don't hate me?" he asked nervously.

"Of course not," I said. "It's not like we were dating at the time. It would be unreasonable to expect that you were a monk in my absence." I wouldn't have minded if he had been but it certainly didn't change how I felt about him.

"Thank you," he said, pulling me into a hug. I leaned my head against his chest and rested his cheek on the top of my head.

Despite everything that happened tonight, the embarrassment and the less than ideal news…things just felt right between us. He stroked my face and I leaned in to give him a kiss.

Eli had been after me to tell him what I wanted all night, and I figured it was time to do as he'd asked. "Someday…in the not too distant future," I whispered. "I think I'm going to sleep with you."

He gave me the softest, most beautiful smile, with not even a hint of a smirk. "I think we should start tonight," he said, his voice husky. My eyebrows raised in shock but he immediately reassured me. "You should sleep in my bed tonight, and then someday…when you're ready…we'll work up to sleeping together the other way."

"That sounds perfect."