['Plain Text' is Ed / Italics is Winry]
Saturday Morning, October 25th
(11:40) So. I was right!
(11:45) I feel like you probably state that to a lot of results, whatever the context
(11:46) But I'm feeling brave this morning, so: What were you right about, Winry ?
(11:48) Seriously, you're such a smartass.
(11:50) You're welcome
(11:52) You forgot to note how really really ridiculously good-looking I am, my incomparable genius, and the fact that I'm cool as all hell
(11:54) And SO funny, Zoolander, ho ho!
(11:56) Anyway, I was right with my picks for winners for the Great Pumpkin Challenge.
(11:58) Oh, yeah?
(12:00) Yeah! The grotesque face pumpkin won overall, and was also voted for most detailed. Mojojojo and Harry Potter tied for fan favorite, and the dalek won second overall, AND most creative!
(12:02) So the dalek creator gets your metal works
(12:03) Wow that is a weird sentence
(12:05) They do, they do.
(12:07) All the rest of the winners are on the city website; I only really had a vested interest in those four. Well, and the piggies, which all the kids get stickers for anyway.
(12:09) "My favorites did well, everybody else can go hang!"
(12:11) You should remember that.
(12:13) Threats !?
(12:14) I like it
(12:16) Edward Elric: Sadist.
(12:19) If we keep adding predominant personality traits, you're going to run out of percentages
(12:21) Eh, we can always explore secondary characteristics and distribute them appropriately.
(12:23) No man can solely exist on yelling, swear words, dropping the ball, and being an asshole.
(12:25) I would say you underestimate me, but that is really not a complimentary picture you've painted
(12:27) Paninya calls you '[my] asshole'. I'm not sure she remembers you have a real name.
(12:29) I've been identified through worse titles
(12:31) Asshole as a term of endearment is new
(12:34) At one point, when I mentioned you wanting to grow your hair out, she called you Rapunzel-in-training, but I shot that down.
(12:35) Blonde solidarity and all that.
(12:38) Remind me to fist bump you when we meet
(12:39) Fair-hairs before squares ?
(12:41) Defend the flaxen; it's a call to action?
(12:43) Yellow… before rude fellows
(12:43) ?
(12:46) It's colored like straw, not some tragic flaw.
(12:49) No insults should be paired with the golden-haired
(12:51) Fuck conventional poetry, we should take this shit on tour
(12:54) Or start the world's tackiest Youtube channel.
(12:56) Blondes: The Asshole & the Saint.
(12:58) HA
(12:59) Saint Edward and Winry the Asshole
(1:00) Don't sugarcoat it, spell it out; people are idiots
(1:02) I really don't know who taught you how to flirt, but you're balls at it.
(1:03) EEDT #4: Call her an asshole a third time, for good measure.
(1:05) You started it!
(1:07) And I can't be /that/ balls at it, you asked me out ffs REMEMBER THAT
(1:09) Maybe I'm just taking pity on your sad excuse for wooing.
(1:12) That's a lot of effort to put in for an incapable woo-er
(1:14) Who do you think you are, Paragon and Savior of Dork Virtue?
(1:16) Well. I'm also expecting a snack and at least ONE drink.
(1:18) USER
(1:19) LO AND BEHOLD, THE VIXEN'S TRUE COLORS SHINE
(1:21) Vixen. Seriously?
(1:22) CALLIN' 'UM LIKE I SEE 'UM
(1:23) Is aggressively text-shouting backhanded compliments an improvement or detriment to my wooing
(1:25) Is that what that was? A back-handed compliment?
(1:26) And here I thought you were just plain addled.
(1:28) Well, maybe that too
(1:29) But you liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it
(1:31) Is there a shit-eating grin on your face right now? That reads like there is.
(1:33) YUP
(1:34) Dink.
(1:36) As much a boon as you are to my self-esteem, I gotta jet
(1:37) Operation: Fuck You Ling kicks off in 20 minutes
(1:39) AKA: Shaving Cream in Action?
(1:41) You bet your butt
(1:42) Talk later ?
(1:44) Sounds good!
(1:45) Part of me wants to say 'Good Luck' while another is desperate to chastise, so…
(1:46) Don't get caught?
(1:48) Haha, thanks
(1:49) I will try my very, very best
(3:05) Successssssssssssssssssssss
(3:08) Oh?
(3:11) The sound of those cans exploding was miraculous
(3:12) This must be why people cry when they listen to people sing opera
(3:16) I think that that's probably both a dramatic AND exaggerated comparison.
(3:18) I'm all about dramatics
(3:20) I picked up on that, funnily enough.
(3:21) Did you get caught?
(3:25) NOPE
(3:26) I mean, Ling'll totally know it was us, but we are in the clear teacher-wise
(3:27) I wish you could've seen the foamy waves sludging all over his uniforms, and oozing out from under his bed; sooooo fucking satisfying
(3:28) I put some under his pillow too, for good measure
(3:30) Seems a little excessive in retaliation for him annoying you into a fist fight, but then again, I get the impression you both are that way with one another.
(3:32) Oh, yeah
(3:34) One time he and Lan Fan dyed all my uniforms purple
(3:36) Another time they programmed my phone to play the Kim Possible ringtone whenever I got a text message, jacked the volume up, and then got everyone in the class to text me at the same time
(3:37) Hahahaha, oh my gosh, I bet that was hilarious!
(3:38) Yeah, the teacher didn't appreciate my taking it in stride and screaming out "God damn it, Wade, what the fuck's the sitch?" either
(3:39) Not entirely surprising, you potty mouth.
(3:41) Hey, swear words are /just/ words
(3:42) The only thing that makes them 'bad' is the social construct that says they are
(3:44) I guess so. Not that I don't swear or anything, I do. But. I dunno.
(3:36) Granny smacked me upside the head enough when I was kid, swearing still internally makes me cringe sometimes.
(3:38) Oh yeah, Mom was always really aggressive about it
(3:39) She always told me that there were better words
(3:40) Al hardly swears at all
(3:41) I started doing it a lot because it made Dad uncomfortable; I think he's conditioned now, though
(3:43) Conditioned, or resigned?
(3:46) Eh, little A, little B, who knows
(3:47) He frowns less, regardless
(3:50) Well, that's something.
(3:53) So. I've been cordially invited to get drunk in the woods.
(3:56) Sounds cold
(3:57) And like the start of a shitty horror movie
(3:59) There's going to be a bonfire or something, I dunno.
(4:01) Pan doesn't want to go by herself, and apparently it's a senior tradition?
(4:03) She wants to go moon at the cheer captain's ass, is what, and to have an excuse/ride if/when everything goes south.
(4:06) I feel so used.
(4:07) NOW YOU KNOW MY PAIN
(4:08) I hope you're already making plans to cash in the favor she obviously owes you
(4:09) Something better than settling for hot dogs
(4:11) In my defense, they were very good hot dogs, but yes.
(4:13) Anyway, she's requested my whole and undivided attention, for dinner and the evening, so.
(4:15) Your loss, I was about to start sending you cat videos
(4:17) Well NOW you tell me.
(4:19) ALAS, PERHAPS ON THE MORROW
(4:20) Have fun, BE SAFE
(4:22) Alas, indeed. I will, Ed, to both. Thanks.
(10:14) EDWARD ELRIC!
(10:18) PLEASE tell me this is drunk texting
(10:19) I might literally die from an overload of glee, if it is
(10:21) It isn't!
(10:23) Booooooooooo
(10:24) Why the caps, then
(10:26) YOUR BROTHER HAS A VINE!?
(10:27) Oh, uh
(10:28) Yeah, I guess?
(10:29) Why and how … ?
(10:32) One of the guys here was showing his friends videos on his phone, and I recognized your VOICE! YAY FOR PHONE CALLS. Lo and behold, there's a VINE of you doing some SEVERELY crazy flips and shit, like the aerodynamic gymnast you apparently are!
(10:34) And so I looked up Alphonse's profile, and MOST of the videos are of YOU!
(10:36) … Seriously?
(10:37) Like, in what context
(10:39) You really didn't know?!
(10:42) Well I knew there were a couple of videos, idk
(10:45) I think there's one of Ling and I cramming sliders in our mouths at Applebees, and the flips one, and then another of us doing the ice bucket challenge on Hohenheim while he was taking a nap
(10:47) Those are there, yes! Plussssss there's him giggling at you singing Lady Gaga in the shower. (Or, maybe, at a cat dying sort-of-tuned to Poker Face; we don't see you so it's hard to say...)
(10:49) Welp, looks like I'm about to become an only child, because I'm gonna to kill him
(10:50) There's one of you tripping literally head over heels trying to take off your pants, and you look and sound WASTED. Your swear word vocabulary is vast!
(10:51) Jesus lawn-bowling christ
(10:52) There's also video of the dildo siege on Ling! Your maniacal laugh is impressive! So's your aim!
(10:55) Thanks, I think
(10:57) What's that deceitful little soon-to-be-numbnut's profile
(10:59) Just !
(11:02) THE BEST, though, is the multi-part-ers of you doing the PokeRap. IN YOUR BLUEBERRY UNIFORM. And they just show up randomly amid the other videos!
(11:03) THAT DICK
(11:04) HE SAID HE WOULDN'T
(11:05) FUCK HIM, HE IS GONNA GET IT
(11:07) He was being a little shit and kept saying he didn't think I could remember the whole thing
(11:09) "I don't think you can, brother." "FUCK YOU."
(11:11) For the love of shit, his fucking profile description
(11:13) "my big brother keeps me on my toes", what the flying fuck
(11:14) BR-FUCKING-B
(11:16) Don't kill him!
(11:30) He was asleep
(11:32) I pinned him in his sheets after jumping on him, and punched him
(11:34) Oh, Ed!
(11:36) Not like, REAL punches, or anything
(11:38) Honestly, it dissolved into a tickle fight, like it usually does
(11:40) Aw!
(11:42) Though when I got back up I did throw shoes at him
(11:44) Not so aw!
(11:45) What'd he have to say in his defense?
(11:47) That the internet thinks I'm awesome and hilarious, so what's wrong with that
(11:49) Well that's true! The boys from my school were totally blown away by the ninja-ing. "Man, I can't land that with two feet, I'd break my neck. Dude's got skill!"
(11:51) Well, that's something, I suppose
(11:52) Idk, it's not like I really /care/, you know? Just… idk, idk
(11:54) You wish he'd asked?
(11:56) I guess so
(11:58) Well! There's no use crying over spilled milk!
(11:59) You know now, and so you can veto him all you like from now on. Or instigate!
(12:01) I wouldn't cry over spilled milk, I'd throw a fucking party
(12:03) That shit tastes like… well, like shit
(12:05) !
(12:06) Captain Backflip doesn't drink his milk!? But you have to keep your bones strong!
(12:08) Milk is not the only source of calcium in the world
(12:09) And I'm seventeen, I doubt I'm about to be struck down by osteoporosis
(12:11) You never know! Stranger things have happened!
(12:13) You know, you're using more exclamation points than usual
(12:15) Soooooooooooooo!
(12:17) This might not be drunk texting, but is it maybe a-little-bit-tipsy texting ?
(12:19) I… maaaay have had a cooler. Or three!
(12:20) And I maaaay, now, be sitting by myself on a clump of grass, freezing my bum off, with a cup of beer that sort of smells and tastes like gasoline. Maybe!
(12:22) Where's Paninya?
(12:25) Macking!
(12:27) With the cheerleader?
(12:28) YUP.
(12:30) Well that's something
(12:32) Why are you by yourself
(12:34) Because all the dudes want to go off in the bushes, which I am NOT into, and all the girls want to bitch, and gossip, and are waaaaay to shrill to tolerate. So I'm watching vines of you instead (and probably being emo)!
(12:35) I'm glad I charged my phone in the car before we got here!
(12:37) Why don't you go home
(12:39) I don't want to leave Paninya! She's A LOT more wasted than I am.
(12:41) They got her to do a keg stand. I think they just wanted to touch her legs without it seeming way too weird…!
(12:43) Probably
(12:45) People have a tendency to be weirded out by BUT kinda obsessed with fake body parts
(12:49) This one dude keeps hitting on me.
(12:51) You know him
(12:53) Sort of. I think he's in my calculus class, and maybe plays football?
(12:56) His name is Russell. I don't think he's half as drunk as he's pretending to be.
(12:58) You okay?
(12:59) Want me to come down and beat his ass for you
(1:02) Hey, I could totally beat him into submission if I wanted to!
(1:04) Not doubting your ability, just coming up with Vine ideas
(1:06) 'Ed attacks drunk people in his pajamas' sounds viral worthy
(1:08) Lol.
(1:09) Not to be weird, but. Can you call me?
(1:11) Course I can, just give me a sec; Al went back to sleep
(1:14) K, gonna call
[Calling Winry Rockbell]
-muffled- "Sorry, Russell, I have to take this; it's my boyfriend."
"Well now. Hello, half-cut Winry."
"Why hello, asshole o'mine."
"Ha, oh my God. Seriously, though, that's a weird word to use affectionately. And for your boyfriend, apparently, no less."
"Shush. Maybe I'm not being affectionate at all."
"Sure, Winry. You keep telling yourself that. So. You're using me again, huh? First drinks and a snack, then I'm a scapegoat. I see how it is."
"I may or may not be. You're just very convenient right now. What time is it, even?
"Like 20 after one. You're lucky. I could and should be sleeping."
"Well it's a better alternative than you coming down here in your pjs. You'd probably end up lost in the woods before you even found me."
"Probably. My sense of direction is limited to straight lines. Or circles. Not that I'd mind coming down if I had to. But I don't have a car, anyway, remember?"
"Yeah. I'll call Granny in a bit, whether or not Pan resurfaces. I'm not really having fun. Then again, I wasn't really to begin with. I don't get why this kinda stuff is appealing."
"What, getting drunk in the woods?"
"No. Getting drunk with strangers. Or, well. People you don't really give a shit about. Just because it's senior tradition."
"Well. Uh. You're probably supposed to look back on it in 10 years with nostalgic affection for your own youth and stupidity? I mean, not yours, in particular, but as a group, I mean. But. Well. I think it's usually more memorable when you're doing dumb shit with people you like."
"Do you get drunk with your friends?"
"Not at school, but in the summers sometimes, yeah. At friend's houses, mostly. Hohenheim lets us have people over sometimes, too, since he keeps up his research when school's out."
"Sometimes you call him Dad, sometimes you call him Hohenheim."
"Yeah?"
"Why?"
"Oh, I dunno. Habit, mostly. Or just to annoy him. He's not father of the year by any means, but he's a hell of a lot better than he used to be. Or maybe I'm just used to him, I dunno. Like, I think he gives a shit, now, but it's a pretty passive shit. He always says he doesn't know how to be a father anyway. But. I mean. Well. Sometimes he does, but it's usually an accident. He took getting ice water dumped on him in stride, so there's that."
"Ha. Yeah. But. Soooo. The first time I talked to you, you called him Captain Assface."
"Yeah, probably. That was the day of the dildo flinging, right?"
"I think so."
"He'd called to harp on me about going to Xerxes next fall. They do scholarships for kids of full-time, tenured professors, and he's pretty sure that with my grades and whatever it wouldn't be an issue for me. And tuition credits are transferable to other universities, if I wanted to go somewhere else after a year."
"That's… really awesome. Why wouldn't you want to do that?"
"Well I don't want to take his classes, for starters. He's the head of the chemistry department, I think it'd be hard to avoid."
"I'm sure there are enough teachers that you could manage to attend classes he wasn't teaching. Have you looked up the department online? And course listings? Or even asked your dad about it?"
"Geez, dial it back, Officer Winry."
"... Sorry."
"Whatever."
"Well, um. What else, then? Makes you not want to, I mean?"
"Well. I mean. There are better programs at other schools for what I want to do. With better labs. And I don't. I mean. I just really… don't want to feel like I owe him anything, I dunno. I'd rather take out loans, and do it myself, and fuck off to the other side of the country just for the sake of being someplace else."
"Huh."
"You think I'm being stupid."
"No. I mean, if your reasons are valid to you, then… you know. They are what they are. I just. The idea of having an opportunity for a no-strings education is so… unfathomable, to me."
"Al thinks I'm being a stubborn shit."
"Al's probably right. Not, um. Not that it's my place to have an opinion. On that."
"No. It's-. I mean. Ugh, whatever, don't worry about it. There's just… more to it than I'd be willing to share with anyone but a therapist, and that'll never fucking happen, so. Fuck it. I'll worry about it when I actually need to worry about it."
"That's pretty soon."
"Yep. But it's not right now, so."
"I guess. Feels like it's all I think about. University."
"Yeah, me too. Or. Well, maybe it's not all I think about. I think about other stuff too."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?"
"Pranks. What's for eating. New ways to piss off Ling. Books. Chemistry problems."
"Um. Anything else?"
"Plot-holes in TV shows. How much I want to light my uniform on fire."
"Aaaaaaaanything else?"
"Um. Well. Maybe."
"Maybe…?"
"Maybe I. Um. Think about you. From time to time."
"Hee."
"Seriously, with the giggling. You're so not cute."
"You don't think I'm cute?"
"Well now you're just baiting me. This is probably some kind of girl trap. I say, "Of course I think you're cute," and you answer "FUCK YOU I'M NOT CUTE, I AM AN ENIGMA!""
"Well. I mean. If the shoe fits."
"You can be both. Cute and an enigma."
"Hmmm. I guess so."
"Seriously, though. I think about you, um. Kinda. A lot. It's probably weird. And Christ I feel like that's the theme word of... us. This thing."
"Hahaha, yeah, I've definitely noticed an increase in my use of that word. And. Um. It might be. Weird, that is. Or, it might be if I didn't think about you a lot too. I mean. When Granny took my phone away I was so paranoid you were going to think I was actually done with you, and that you'd never talk to me again. I, um. I probably shouldn't be this… I dunno. I mean. I've never actually met you, you know?"
"Yeah. I know. I, um. I- I can't wait to. Though. Meet you."
"Me either. I. I feel like I'm at an advantage here, having seen you being grumpy at the bus stop, and then watching all your brother's Vines. You get. You get more familiar to me, but… I must still seem like such a stranger to you."
"Nah. I wouldn't say that. I think we text to much for you to be anything resembling a stranger. And. So, I mean, I know what kind of person you are, and that's what really matters."
"... That's really sweet, Ed."
"Heh. I have my moments. Savor it, Win. It probably won't happen again for another millennia."
"Ha. 'Edward Elric being genuinely sweet, rarer than Action Comics number one.'"
"Pretty much. I'm much more widely known for my swearing than my sensuality. Oh, and for carrying on conversation in the middle of the night with bored, buzzed ladies who are stuck in the forest for indefinite amounts of times."
"Yeah, that too. Though I don't think I'm really that tipsy anymore. I stopped drinking my gas-beer before you called."
"Probably for the best. That didn't sound particularly good."
"It really wasn't."
"So is the party still rippin' and roarin'?"
"Oh, god no. It's pretty much dead. Lots of people have gone home, and the rest have found nice, private ditches in which to grope each other. I should probably go look for Paninya, but I don't want to traumatize myself by checking all the bramble. I'll probably scar myself for life."
"Probably. I hear that, as a collective, we teenagers are meant to be pretty indecent."
"So I'm told. I should start a book. 'Teenagers: Things I Am Apparently Supposed to Be, Versus That Which I Am.'"
"Catchy title."
"Yeah, I'm probably missing my true calling by-yaaaaaaaaawn-going into engineering. God I need to go to bed."
"Just go kick the noise-making bramble until you hear a familiar yelp. I'm sure you've kicked Paninya before."
"Ugh, yeah I probably should, and yes, I most absolutely have kicked her before- Oh speak of the devil; her ears must have been burning."
"Oh has she finally come up for air?"
"Yes. Okay, I'm going to go and drag her out of here. And sleep. Maybe for the rest of my life."
"Haha, okay. You do that."
"Thanks for talking to me, Ed, and keeping me company. I appreciate it. Seriously."
"Hey, no problem. Anytime. Seriously. Talk to you later?"
"Yeah. Tomorrow? Preferably not at an hour that is ungodly."
"I'll leave that to you."
"Cool. Night, Ed."
"Night Winry. Oh, and hey?"
"Yeah?"
"Drop me a text when you get home, okay?"
"Aw. Yeah. Sure. I will. Thanks, Edward. Bye!"
"C-ya."
[Call Disconnected]
(2:26) I'm home.
(2:27) Thanks for being awesome, Ed.
(2:30) It's how I roll, Win
(2:31) Sleep tight
(2:34) You too.