Chapter 10

Note: Hello there, guys! Thank you for reading the fic. I think we're almost done. Five chapters (more or less) left, one more kick, and we're done. :D

The thing about making a choice is that you are made to believe that there are always only two options. Its dualistic nature leads us to believe that there are only good and bad, right and wrong, beautiful and ugly, man and woman, heaven and hell, tall and short. The tendency to believe in such notion is problematic and difficult when we are faced with the reality of our situations once things were weighed and the gray areas arise. We then proceed to review our answers based on their pros and cons, their advantages and disadvantages, eliminating human emotions, as if life is a scientific problem that needed to be solved.

In this regard, we consciously think that, between two choices presented before us, there could only be one "right" answer. But what merits rightness or wrongness? What if all choices were right? It is a question that can only be answered once you have already made a choice and you are left wondering the "what if"s in the future. Ironic, isn't it? Believing that the present determines the future is a fantasy for we all know too well that the present will not and cannot determine the approximate future. To make matters worse, our lives don't depend only on two options - there is another option: to not choose.

The choice that brings forth chaos.

Then there is the thing called chance. The possibility, fate, or destiny. In the chaos called life, chance made it unpredictable. It challenged the choices made. It is an uncontrollable factor. It is the reason why our present choices cannot determine our future. One may view it as a disadvantage, a mishap, a foul play made by the gods to play with humans. It could also be our salvation, a salvation that can correct whatever wrong one made in the past.

But no matter how right or wrong our choices are or how we treated the chances thrown at us, what remains is the transcendental power of the will to love.

Nezumi and Shion went back to the capital quietly. Days have passed since their last conversation and the two spent their time alone and away from each other by either locking themselves in their rooms or by spending the entire day outside the house. Their last confrontation had shocked them to the core as they finally realized and understood that no amount of illusion could bring them back to the way they were. If the red string of fate was true, the red thread was slowly choking them to death.

The angelic voice of Nezumi that once filled the house with much gaiety no longer echoed along the walls. Instead, an unbearable silence took its place. Most of the time, Nezumi could be found sitting on the bench at the children's park, his eyes distant and not really seeing anything. Visiting Inukashi didn't help as he left just as quickly at Inukashi saying his beloved's name in relation to the young child in the house. Just hearing Shion's name was enough for him to remember the disgust in the white-haired man's eyes when he looked at him.

At night, when Nezumi was left alone in his room, he thought of the day during their infiltration of the Correctional facility and of Shion lying dead in his arms. At that moment, he felt powerless, like his life had ended too. He would never forget that moment despite the fact that all Shion felt for him now was animosity. He knew that he would still hold onto Shion for dear life regardless of the situation. He wasn't sure if he loved Shion the way Shion wanted to be loved. Fighting for his right to live in this world had taken its toll on him. He had survived, but all he was now was a broken person. But even though he was broken and even if Shion hated him, he chose to stay.

Tired.

Shion was beyond tired. He refused to act on anything. The surge of his emotions within him for the past few days drove him crazy and his smoking could no longer numb the feelings he had. He felt like exploding every time he thought back to his and Nezumi's conversation. He had busied himself with work from the capital and the bakery, doing his best to drown himself in his work until his body could no longer move on its own and he shut down.

He wanted to forget everything that happened between them. He had been confident that Nezumi loved him. He believed that Nezumi too would choose this, whatever situation they were in right now, no matter what. But he was wrong. All he had seen in Nezumi's eyes the day was emptiness. No fire, no passion, no power; just an emptiness that spoke to him more than the words the raven-head man had said: I'm giving up. The memory of those eyes alone brought him to tears as disgust flowed through him. He could no longer do this.

Inukashi once tried to talk to Shion but to no avail. Neither Shion nor Nezumi wanted to unburden their filth unto the other. It was a trait that pissed him off and had him admiring them at the same time.

Shion got up early to report to the Capital and to check on the progress of the ongoing experiments. There were several experiments that were approved as long as it would not lead to the eradication of the human race or trample on their right to live. Sustainability was key.

Branches of science such as biology, neurology, and psychology were treated with extra caution and restriction. The fall of No. 6 caused trauma to a lot of people and it pushed the government to expand their scientific researches of the human brain. Therapies, medications, and even hypnosis helped to alleviate the growing restlessness of the society, yet, for some people, they needed more – some needed to forget. It was a controversial matter that attracted international intervention as it catered to the most delicate and even sensible part of being human: memories.

The controversy subsided after regulating the procedures and the extent of the practice. For one, the procedure cannot be used to falsify one's memories. The memory should remain intact without the manipulation of the data. It also cannot be used to delete the entire memory. If it will be used to lift data from someone's memory, only a certain number of years can be visited as to prevent causing further damage. Lastly, only one subject can be erased from the memory of the person. The reason for the last clause was that one's memory tends to create and connect memories even from one subject only. Erasing two or more memories was not only prohibited but dangerous to one's health.

This subject was all too familiar with Shion because he saw the onslaught of people wanting their memories erased. Despite of the criticism it received in its early development, the procedure was a success. Patients who had undergone the treatment were no longer experiencing panic attacks or episodes. The only clincher was that these patients felt that there was something missing, something they couldn't put their finger on. Other than that, these people behaved like normal members of the community.

The knowledge of this study didn't sit well with Shion's beliefs. He used to think that it was beyond justification to delete a part of yourself just because you were hurting. But now, it didn't feel quite the same. He had gone through the idea for a couple days and even weeks just before his big fight with Nezumi.

Maybe this research was his answer after all.

Shion left the capital early and headed to his house just in time for dinner. He opened the door and saw Nezumi, his back facing him, cooking dinner for the two of them. Shion stood there and watched how graceful the man was even though he was just doing a simple chore. This might also be the last time he would see him like this. Shion felt nervous at the thought but convinced himself that this was for the best. He could no longer live with the pain.

Shion shut the door and Nezumi flinched at the sound. He turned around to check and, when he saw the white-haired man, his confident stance weakened like a snake recoiling out of fear.

"Welcome home. I made dinner," the man said hesitantly, his eyes not meeting Shion.

Shion closed the gap between them and walked towards the table, each step feeling heavier at what he was about to tell Nezumi. "Thank you," he answered as Nezumi grabbed a plate and piled it with food.

The two said their graces and ate silently albeit hurriedly. As soon as he was done, Nezumi stood and was about to leave the table when he felt a tight grip on his arm.

"Nezumi, I need to tell you something."

The raven-haired man just nodded, his eyes downcast.

"Today, I went to the capital; to the medical facility, to be exact. You know of my involvement with the research facility, right? I have access to the facilities, the experiments, and all the researches. For the past ten years, we gained a vast amount of knowledge from all these researches, specifically studies that focused on how our brain works and memory. I…"

"Cut the crap, Shion. What is it?" Nezumi interrupted harshly.

"Why are you looking at me like that? I haven't even finished," Shion threw back, his temper rising.

"I'm not stupid. Cut to the chase. You're talking about the memory-deleting process, right?"

Shion looked at him, bewildered. "Yes… How did you know-?"

"Like I said, I'm not stupid. Do you think I didn't know what you are so obsessed about for the past 10 years? Spare me," Nezumi huffed.

"So even that you knew of!," Shion yelled. He was losing his patience quickly.

"Get to it. Why do you want to talk about that? Are you suggesting something?"

"I want us to undergo the procedure," Shion said in a clipped voice.

"What?" Nezumi yelled and stood. He pounded his fist against the table, making Shion flinch.

"I want us to undergo the process. I'm not asking you to delete your entire memory of me; just a part. Please."

"Why? Can you really do this?" Nezumi breathed. This couldn't be happening.

"I'm tired, Nezumi. I want to forget this. All of this."

"You want us to delete each other… For what, Shion? For convenience? I know that we aren't okay now, but you're asking too damn much."

"Do you think I didn't think this through? Please, Nezumi. All I'm asking for is to delete the part when you left so that we won't be where we are now. We could live together in peace."

"And what, Shion? I'm not going to live my life that way, pretending like nothing happened just so we could live together peacefully. We don't need that Shion. Get a hold of yourself. We just need time and we can still salvage our relationship."

"Time? We need more time? Is 10 years not enough? 10 years have passed and still we don't know what to do with each other." Shion exhaled tiredly and pleaded, "I have have enough, Nezumi. I want us to be together, but it's not possible anymore. I cannot live with you like this. Please do this with me. It's the only way."

"Shion, don't-"

"If you really love me, Nezumi...agree with me."

Note: Please don't kill me~ Believe me, these babies need a little push. :D