Amanda would spend seven days in a drug infused coma. Her brain showed no signs of having been harmed when the doctors ran tests but they also said they couldn't know for sure until she woke up. Her body was too weak though and she needed the machine to breath for her. After seven days they did try to lower the sedatives. For two days they waited and hoped for any sign that she wanted to wake up. Then an infection hit, giving her a high fever that gave her small seizures. Fin, who had hoped for any movement at all found himself suddenly wishing the opposite. The seizures were painful to watch and he knew, cause the doctors said so, it wasn't good for her brain. She fought the infection for two days until they decided to up the medication again.
As night twelve came and went Amanda was back to her drug infused coma and Fin started to feel completely discouraged. After another few days they tried again to set out the sedatives and this time she at least stayed clear of infection. She remained still though. Nothing happen as they counted seventeen days after her shooting. Fin knew that they'd started with physiotherapy to keep her muscles and all going. She was getting thinner by the day it looked to him. Her skin had long ago lost that glow to it. They kept her clean and taken care of though. He had nothing to complain about the treatment they were giving her.
Claire was still Fins favorite nurse. Whenever she was on call he'd ask her for the real deal and she'd tell him straight up what the doctors were saying. It wasn't much more than they were already telling Amanda's mom but when he heard it from Claire he believed it more for some reason. Claire would also show him Amanda's wounds when he asked about them. She told him the chest scar was healing extremely well even though scars usually didn't heal that well on unconscious patients. The two stitched wounds on her leg were almost healed while the stomach one had to act up. The entry and exit wound on either side of her were healing well but the incision the surgeon did to have a look at the damage that the bullet did didn't want to heal properly. Claire told him it might have to do with the stomach acid that leaked when she was shot. Fin knew by now that they had to stitch up a lot of her bowel and that they didn't know how this would affect her digestive system later on.
But she had been lucky, the bullet somehow missed any of the other vital organs. It had grazed both the liver and her spleen. Claire had told him that bullet could have, or even should have been fatal in itself. Had both bullets been fatal they would have had a very slim chance to save her life. By the lower bullet missing the vital organs they had been able to focus on the fatal chest wound. Claire, who Fin learned was a believing woman, said someone above most have Amanda under their wings. Fin didn't mind hearing Claire had Amanda in her prayers. He figured every little thing helped right now. That's how desperate he was getting.
Even though he wasn't a religious man he believed in some higher powers. He knew there had been thirteen kids in that van and the thirteenth had caused trouble. Unlucky number thirteen. He'd blamed the boy as he'd been sitting by her hospital bed. He'd blamed the SWAT guy for not emptying the van properly. He'd blamed everyone he could think of including himself. Blaming didn't get him anywhere. Blaming just got him angry. Bitter.
He'd looked for signs. He'd asked her to give him signs by increasing or lower her own heartbeat. He knew this was impossible but he was grasping at straws by now. They'd tried playing her favorite music, Fin got to help pick out some he knew she liked. They'd played the national anthem seeing how they always played it at the beginning of football or baseball games. Anything to trigger her to want to wake up. Nothing seemed to help. This was the seventeenth night he sat by her side. Seventeen was the number on her softball shirt. By the third time he heard the national anthem he got frustrated and went up to turn the music player off.
"Just wake up god damn it," he complained as he walked a few times across the room back and forth. Claire wasn't working tonight but another nurse put her head in.
"Everything okay?" she asked concern, seeing how she always saw him sitting by the young woman's side. Everyone knew who he was by now and his connection to the patient they cared for. Fin nodded at her.
"Just frustrated," he said with a big sigh.
"Need company?" she asked not sure if she overstepped or not.
"Need her to wake up," he said and looked over to the bed.
"Yeah," the nurse said and shot him a smile before she walked back to her spot behind the desk. Fin sat back down. He grabbed her hand again. He let his other hand run up her arm.
"Your silent treatment is killing me you know?" he said. "I'd prefer if you'd rant at me or scold me silly. Anything but this damn silence." He'd reached her shoulder and let his fingers run just underneath her white gown.
"I miss you so much you know? And no, not only after business hours. I miss you at work. I miss talking to you, hear that horsey laughter of yours. I want you by my side. I need you by my side. It feels as though I can't function properly without you. That's how dependent you've made me for you. I should scold you for that you wench," he smiled but it quickly disappeared. A comment like that would have earned him a slap on the arm at least. He'd even take a punch right now without giving one back.
He kept talking to her though. He'd been sitting there silent for so long but now it felt good to open up. It almost felt like a confession of his. He didn't let it all out. Even with her unconscious he was too scared to truly express what he was feeling for her. Some of the feelings he had he couldn't even admit to himself. He was good at denial. But he told her about the loneliness he was feeling. About how he wanted to spend even more time with her after work. He'd stay over at her place. He wanted to know more about her and her parents. About whom she was as a child. He told her he needed her to open up more. Wanted to know exactly what she wished for the future.
He went silent once a nurse entered to check on her but then he kept going. And after over an hour of constantly talking there was a slight irregularity in her heartbeat. He kept talking as he watched the line. It stayed mostly the same but every now and then it increased or skipped a beat. He wanted to see it as a good sign but it only got him worried. The next time a nurse came in, this time the same one who had checked up on him earlier, he mentioned the irregularity. She took a closer look but said everything looked fine.
"Her temperature is up though," he pointed out.
"Just slightly," the nurse said as she checked the chart.
"But up. What can that mean?" he asked with a bit of worry in his voice.
"Could be a good sign. If her body wants to wake up it's probably going to have to fight a bit before hand," the nurse said. She was a strong believer in hope and that hope could move mountains. She'd seen patients without hope, without that urge to live, drop dead even if they shouldn't purely medically speaking. And then she'd seen many patients survive impossible odds and those patients often had one thing in common – hope. A will to live. Something or someone to live for if not for themselves. She left him alone after that and he changed his focus back on Amanda.
"I need a good sign you hear? I really, fucking, need a good sign right now Amanda. If you can hear me please, please give me a sign," he'd move up so he could see her face better. He kept on begging for a while, pleaded with her but nothing happen. He was holding on to her hand the entire time, asking her to squeeze his hand or blink or something. When nothing happen he just sighed and put his head down beside her arm since tiredness was taking over. His eyes were just falling shut when he thought he felt something. Something against his hand. His eyes flung open and he was staring right at their entangled hands. He had her hand in his. Her palm up, his thumb resting inside her hand. He waited. There it was again. Just a slight movement of her ringfinger but it was a movement. He squeezed her hand.
"I saw that. I felt that. Amanda?" he stood up so he could look down her face. Nothing there. He felt her finger again though and sat back down. Her ring finger and pinkie was moving. Just barely noticeable but he saw it.
"Yes. That's great. Keep moving them boo," he urged her on. He watched as she managed to roll her two fingers up but then it seemed as though she fell back to sleep again cause they rolled back down onto his hand. He didn't want to let go of her hand so he rose so he could press her alarm button. The familiar nurse came rushing in.
"She moved her hand," he said immediately just so she would know it wasn't an emergency. Well not the kind she probably had in mind anyway. The nurse raised an eyebrow at him as she came around the bed.
"I swear to whatever holiness you believe in she moved her fingers. I felt it against my hand and then I saw it too," he said but she didn't look fully convinced.
"Are you sure it wasn't…" he interrupted her.
"No. Not spasm or anything. I asked her to give me a sign and, yes it took some time, but then she moved her fingers. I'm sure of it," he finally got a smile from the nurse.
"Well that's good. We'll make sure to tell the doctor in the morning. He can run another EEG. Maybe it will show us something new," she suggested and it was all he needed to hear for now. For the first time in many days he felt a glimmer of hope. He'd seen other patients come and go. Most of them transferred to somewhere he didn't know and didn't dare to ask. Not all of them looked better as they transferred out, he figured they might be going to some home to die.
He'd seen a man die. Four nights ago. An elderly man. He'd been on life support just as Amanda but Fin imagined he'd probably suffered a heart attack or something else elderly people got struck by. He had the room five rooms down from Amanda's and with the big glass walls Fin could almost see directly inside as they worked on the man. It had made him anxious to see as they fought a losing battle. Not that he was scared of death but it hit too close to home. He knew it could be Amanda next. No one knew. No one could give any guaranties. As a nurse pulled the white sheet over the man's face Fin had gone back to Amanda's side. Held on to her hand just a little bit harder for a while. Claire had worked on the man. He could tell she was upset by his death but he hadn't said or asked anything about it. He knew she couldn't tell him much about the man anyway, doctor patient confidentiality, and frankly he couldn't bear anymore than his own anxiety at this point. Fin pushed the elderly man out of his mind. Amanda wouldn't die. He felt it in his heart now.
He couldn't wait to tell Amanda's mom about the finger movement during the night. He expected her to get as excited about it as him but she remained skeptical. The doctor would be skeptical too but Fin did his best to convince him and he allowed for test to be done during the day. It was decided as well that they would try and set out some of the morphine she was on too. For the first time in many days Fin didn't feel totally exhausted as he walked into the squad room. He kept checking in with the hospital but there were no news. Not until after lunch. Liv had managed to talk him into having lunch out with her and Nick. Fin did appreciate getting a cooked lunch for once, he'd been living on junk and fast food the last weeks. Liv had to run the conversation though. Fin immediately called the ICU when they got back to the squad room. He had just sat down when he jumped up again.
"Really?" was all Liv overheard. She'd seen him call in every day every other hour. She'd learnt to listen in without being caught but this time she didn't bother if she was caught.
"She's awake," he said out loud before he'd even put his phone down again.
"No?" was all Liv managed to say as she hurried over to him. He nodded. He was stunned she could tell.
"They took the tube out. She's breathing," he said and smiled at Nick who had joined them too. Nick gave his shoulder a manly pat. They had caught the attention of a few others in the squad room and everyone was excited to hear the news of the blonde they were missing. Cragen heard the buzz and came out of his office.
"She's awake cap," Liv said and Cragen looked overwhelmed but happy.
"I'm going over there," Fin said.
"Can I come with?" Liv asked. Fin nodded quickly as he grabbed his keys of the desk.
"Nick, is it okay if I leave?" Liv asked knowing she'd leave their younger associate with the paper work.
"Sure thing. Say hi from me and that I'll be by later," Nick said and Liv nodded.
"Yes let us know how she's doing and when she's up for a visit," Cragen said and patted Fins shoulder as he walked by.
"Sure will," said Fin. He felt funny. Lighter than in weeks now. In a way though he still couldn't believe it. They caught the stairs down as the elevator seemed crowded. Fin didn't care and put the lights up so he could speed through the streets. She'd been visiting Amanda too but it was obvious he found his way better and she just tried to keep up with him. His pace seemed to pick up as they were getting closer.
As he pushed up the swing doors to the ICU his heart was racing. He found Amanda's room occupied by her mom and two nurses. Bonnie was discussing something with the nurses it seemed but Fin just nodded her way and headed straight for Amanda. From far he could see the tube was gone and as he got closer he could see it had been replaced with an oxygen mask. The bigger kind though so it covered her entire lower half of the face and much of her nose. But it still looked so much better. And her cheeks seemed to have gotten some color to them. She was a sleep though and it took down his excitement slightly. Bonnie came around quickly to take it down even more as she whispered harshly over the bed.
"Don't wake her. The taking out the tube procedure was hard for her. She needs her rest." Fin didn't have to give her a stare because Liv did so in his place. Of course they knew she was only showing concern for her daughter, and rightfully so, but this was a big thing that had happen and they were able to think for themselves. They wouldn't shout and hurrah just yet.
He carefully let his hand run down the side of her face. He couldn't hide the big grin on his face as he felt life in her. As his hand ran down her throat he felt her pulse. He felt her breathing. The feeling of relief was almost too much to carry, he felt weak to his knees. He took a deep breath as he felt Liv's hand on his shoulder. He looked over at her and she had tears in her eyes along with a big smile on her face. She rubbed her hand down over his shoulder blade. Fin smiled back at her and then looked over at the mother.
"Did she…" he had to swallow and collect himself until he could go on, "say anything? I mean when you removed the tube." Bonnie just looked at him for a while but then shook her head as she looked down on her daughter.
"Did she look at you? Did she recognize you?" he suddenly didn't feel so relieved any longer. Anxiety grew with every unanswered question. Bonnie just turned away from the bed and headed out. Both Fin and Liv looked after her. Liv turned back and met Fin's eyes briefly until he turned his head towards the nurses. He recognized both of them.
"Is something wrong with her?" he asked nervously. One of the nurses stepped forward.
"We don't know yet. The tests look fine though. Most patience doesn't speak right after the tube is extracted and with the drugs in her system it's no wonder if she doesn't recognize even her close ones at this time," the nurse explained with a low voice. Fin looked back down at Amanda before she'd finished. He stroked her cheek again. He tried to think positive. She was awake. She was breathing on her own. One step at a time.
Liv would head back to work a little later but Fin couldn't pull himself away. He wanted to see Amanda's blues. He needed to see them. He figured he'd know right away if she was still there or not. Bonnie would come back in a little later. Sit down on the other side of Amanda's bed. No one said anything for a long time. She seemed upset, he could tell even if she didn't say anything. He figured she might have expected that when Amanda woke up she would immediately just wake up and everything would be back to normal. A nurse stepped in from time to time to check on Amanda. Her temperature was above normal so they were giving her something to bring it down Fin learnt. A nurse warned them that she might be in some pain or at least discomfort as she grew more alert. Fin took her anyway right now, not that he wanted her to be in pain but he just wanted her alive. He wasn't anxious about her state any longer, more excited. Her mother was very unsettled though Fin soon found out.
"Why won't she wake up?" Bonnie complained with a low voice all of a sudden. Fin looked over at her across the bed. Bonnie shook her head with her eyes glued on her daughter. She then turned to Fin.
"I can't take not knowing. What if she's not there any longer? What will happen then? I can't take care of her. She hates me," Bonnie looked desperate.
"She doesn't hate you Bonnie," Fin said carefully.
"What do you know? Has she told you something?"
"No, she doesn't speak much about home or Atlanta but I know Amanda and she doesn't hate much at all. And I just know she doesn't hate you," he tried his best to explain how his thoughts went. And it wasn't just a way to make Bonnie feel better. Fin wasn't the considerate type, more straight forward than considerate. He knew there were things between Amanda and her mother but he knew Amanda well enough by now to know she didn't hate her mother. There were some pain and some sadness and annoyance but he hadn't picked up on any hate. Bonnie got tears in her eyes that she, just like Amanda, tried to hide by wiping them away quickly from her cheek.
"And either way I have a feeling she won't be needing any taking care of," in his thoughts he added 'if she has anything to say about it' but he kept that to himself as he looked over at her with a hint of a smile on his face.
"Well I'm sorry if I don't take your feeling as reliable, the doctor says we won't know until she wakes up so I think it's about time she does that now." Fin couldn't believe his ears. No, he did not like this woman but he tried his best to just bite down and keep quiet. It would be a long wait. Amanda came to, started stirring a bit, making small noise of distress only to fall back a sleep without opening her eyes. Neither Fin nor Bonnie dared to leave her side and the nurses were nice enough to serve them dinner by her bed. Bathroom breaks were taken but with a haste. Fin held on to Amanda's hand most of the time. This made him aware whenever she was coming to and he tried to calm her back down even if it did seem to annoy her mom. Fin of course wanted Amanda to wake up too but he couldn't take her being in distress.
Then finally closer to nine pm she started to stir but without the wining. Fin rose as he felt her hand move in his. Bonnie looked up from her magazine. Fin saw Amanda's eyes move underneath her eyelids. He stroked the side of her face as he whispered her name. Bonnie stood up on the other side of the bed. She refused to be excluded from anything but Fin couldn't bother with her right now. All he saw was Amanda's eye movements, the slight frown on her eyebrows and the slight fog on her breathing mask that formed with every breath she took right now. Fin held on to her hand as he let his other hand run up and down the side of her face. He whispered her name again and the frown between her eyebrows harden briefly. She was clearly in some distress even if she was quiet. She seemed to struggle with opening her eyes and Fin didn't know what he could do to help even though he wanted her so bad to open her eyes.
"Amanda," he said a bit higher and her eyelashes flared. He saw just a tiny strand of her whites as she fought to open her eyes. He got discouraged as her eyes fell shut again and with the complete stillness on her face that followed. But then her eyelashes flared again and inside his heart pounded as he saw more of her whites. Her blues seemed gone but then they came rolling down from above and she fought to open her eyelids wider. He felt like he was smiling like an idiot but he really didn't care. He said her name again as she seemed to adjust her eyes to the soft light in the room. The lights were dimmed for her benefit. She blinked a few times and every time he feared he'd lose her to sleep again. Her eyes seemed to have a hard time adjusting but finally they tilted slightly towards him and he looked for any sign of recognition in her eyes. Her eyelids seemed heavy and wanting to close but she kept opening her eyes up. She seemed to finally be able to fix him with her eyes and he waited patiently.
"Hey boo," he whispered and there it was. That slight smile as her eyes fell shut only to open up again. She looked so tired but she smiled. He was sure she was smiling at him.
"You can hear me right? You recognize me?" he whispered and he squeezed her hand gently. As he felt her squeeze back just a hint he felt happy beyond what he thought was possible. He brought her hand up to his mouth and he open up her hand so he could kiss her palm. He saw her smile as his lips rested briefly on her warm palm before he brought her hand down to his chest. He stroked away her hair from her forehead.
"Your mom's here too. We've been waiting forever for you to wake up," he whispered once he remembered Amanda's mom was in the room too. Amanda shifted her eyes over to her mom's side and smiled as Bonnie hovered over her.
"My sweet girl," she sobbed. Amanda's eyes shifted back to Fin again. He could tell she was very tired but fought to stay awake a little longer.
"You were shot. Twice. Bad but you'll be fine," he let her know, "you sleep now. We'll be here when you wake up again." He traced her eyebrow with his thumb. Kept her hand to his chest as her eyes slowly fell shut. Her mother sat down, sobbing loudly, but he remained standing. He held on to her hand and kept watching her for a while, couldn't get enough of her. He couldn't believe his luck. She was actually awake.
XXX
Yeah I know sappy sappy but this is my lovestory so ;) More to come soon...