In which three losers lose again and something very crazy happens in the end…

Of Death and Life

Tatooine was much worse than Padmé could have ever anticipated. It was hot, dry and the very act of breathing was painful. It was also dirt, scattered and its inhabitants didn't take their eyes off the ground –their pace fast, their hands always hidden in the rags they wore. Padmé hadn't felt safe from the very moment they had landed –in the very middle of the desert.

"An expensive ship like this could attract a lot of attention" Anakin had explained, his voice as dry as the air. Padmé had simply nodded, following him in an exhausting two hours walk through the desert.

They hadn't exchanged a single word since they had entered the city –Mos Espa. And if Padmé had been afraid before, she was now terrified. She could physically feel how she didn't really fit in the city, how strange she looked, how much she could drag attention. It wasn't only about her clothes, her clean face, her beautiful hands which had so evidently always avoided manual labor. It wasn't even the fact that she was wearing perfume –something that only prostitutes wore on Tatooine, as Anakin had murmured with a dark expression.

It was her same behavior –the way her eyes gazed at everything with curiosity and compassion. The way she always stood straight with her head up –as someone who had always been cared for, treated with love and respect, treated as a human being. Not like everybody else on the planet, not even like Anakin.

She threw him a worried look; since they had left the ship, he had closed himself up in his own world. He was deep in thought, his usually sparkling eyes dark with worry and almost faded. Padmé had the distinct impression that it wasn't just the desperate and furious fear he felt for his mom; no, it was the planet itself that was affecting him. He looked worried, tired and almost subdued. He looked down –to avoid any eye contact with anyone else. He held himself tightly –to protect himself from the sharping wind and from something else, Padmé considered, from the same violence of the environment. And yet, Padmé could feel as much, that was the very thing that could make him dangerous. He looked dangerous and cruel and desperate and it was utterly terrifying that there was not a thing she could do to reach him, to take him away from the dark place he had hidden himself into.

Their same thoughts were synchronized, but two worlds apart. They couldn't really speak nor touch one another –he unsure of why she was there with him, she unsure on how to take care of him and how to reassure him that there were a lot of good reasons for her to be there with him. She looked around, considering how much fear the inhabitants of that forgotten planet were feeling. He could not take his eyes off the ground, barely able to breath, trying to hold all the rising anger he felt burning inside of himself. She could only feel compassion, while he was devoured by rage.

Her eyes were full of pity, pity for that distant child and his expression full of fear. Fear of a drunk and cruel father, maybe –fear of a man desperate enough to hurt his own children. He was trying not to look around, not to let his birth planet affect him –not to let all these memories fight to the surface of his own conscience. Fear, hate, rage and anger. Anger toward Watto and his absolute conviction that it was just out of pure good heart that he let Shmi work for him those twelve hours a day. Fear of his heavy hand –the same, stunning fear that could still petrify Anakin. Fear of him beating her, his mother, conscious that her small child was watching. It didn't matter to Anakin that he now was a tall, broad-shouldered man, he felt the same fear he had felt as a child, the same hate, the same anger –even if back than he didn't have the words to describe those emotions, nor in basic, nor in Huttese.

Padmé felt her heart almost breaking, witnessing the true misery that surrounded her –she was used to read about it in books, to watch it displayed on the Holonet, but she had never been able to really taste it. Still, she couldn't comprehend it. She could not really understand why they didn't leave. Anakin remembered the journey –at first it had looked like a great adventure, than it had become a nightmare. But it didn't really matter now, because the thing he remembered better were his mom's sad and worried eyes, his mom's body itself, trying to protect him, trying to reassure him that it was all worth it, that they were going to embrace a better life. Padmé, on the other hand, could understand fear, but she couldn't grasp submission and resignation –maybe they were too afraid to face the unknown, they just preferred the well-known violence of Tatooine to a new way of abuse and misery. Anakin remembered quite clearly the frustration and the anger, that blinding anger he felt as a child. He remembered that he had to thank the same people who treated them like shit, because they let them pay the rent double its price, because they were not denouncing them to the authorities. He remembered how it was to feel like shit –because they were just that, shit, an old clandestine woman and her bastard son. He remembered the gentleness in Qui-Gon's eyes and his peculiar way of seeing things –he remembered how it had felt to be proud of himself for the first time in his life. He remembered his mom leaving, taken away from him. He remembered Professor Jinn's death and how much he had felt a stranger at his funeral. He remembered Obi-Wan's grief and pain and his resolute –but sad- eyes, promising him that now, he, Obi-Wan would have taken care of Anakin. He remembered his mom's marriage and what it felt to be the last Skywalker in the universe again. He remembered how it was easy to lose himself in drugs, forgetting everything, even his own talent. He remembered Ahsoka and his admission to the university with, nonetheless, a full scholarship.

He knew what it felt to be like a looser, and to be a winner and now he was going to discover what it really meant to give everything up for someone he loved. Probably everything. He took Padmé's hand –the first physical contact in many hours. Almost everything.

((((()))))

To say that Ahsoka was irritated was an understandment. Not only had Jess completely forgotten about the movie they were supposed to go and watch that evening. Not only that blonde slut had decided to ignore everything that Ahsoka held important and stood for –loyalty and friendship. No, that was not enough. Now, Anakin was doing the same. She had wanted to speak with him, to explain why Jess was such a slut, how much she liked Barriss now; she had wanted to have him by her side, protecting her, giving her crazy advices she would never follow –she just had wanted for him to care. But no. He was not answering any of her calls. He was nowhere to be found –not at the shop, not at the Institute, not anywhere Anakin could be on a Saturday afternoon. He was with his precious, pretty Padmé and her looser attitudes, she could bet.

Ahsoka could understand that he was so much in love with his new dream-girl and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She could understand that he had to spend a lot of time making pretty things for her, to finally sleep with her, but she couldn't accept to be ignored for that. He had had other girls and none had made him forget Ahsoka. She felt betrayed. She had thought their relationship was special, more important than some, stupid, affair, with some posh girl. It had always been the two of them fighting against the world. She was his protégé, his baby-sit duty and he was her Skyguy, her guardian, her true teacher of the real life. And now she just felt alone and abandoned. It was all the same, old, story; Ahsoka had somebody who loved her, but just not enough. She had had a mother, but she hadn't been able to fight, she hadn't been able to love her enough to keep her. She had had a best friend, but she couldn't compete with a boyfriend. And she had had Anakin but apparently she was not posh, or pretty, or clever enough for him –he just had preferred Padmé to her. She felt like shit –she felt lonely and sorry for herself.

She would have realized much time later, that maybe it was the destiny's call or something like that. But she was keeping to wander around, going nowhere, and her feet almost guided her to the same park, where she had found Barriss the previous day. Not that she had planned it at all, but when she spotted the serious looking girl, sitting on a bench, a calm expression on her face, Ahsoka couldn't help but feel relieved.

"Ahsoka" said Barriss greeting her with good humor "I didn't know you enjoyed so much my company"

"I had other plans, but Jess is a stupid slut and…" Ahsoka fell silent, a little embarrassed "Not that I do not enjoy… umh… your company" she added quickly.

Barriss laughed –her calm eyes mirroring Ahsoka's distressed expression: "Don't worry, Ahsoka" she smiled "And I'm sure you have your good reasons to be angry with this Jess"

"And with Anakin" Ahsoka added, her tone a little petulant.

Barriss looked a little taken aback by this admission. Everybody, in their school, knew that Ahsoka was the famous Skywalker's protégé. She herself had been only two years behind him in school, and she remembered his cool attitude, his arrogance, his unstoppable way of making everything he did look so easy.

"Skywalker? Isn't he your tutor?"

Ahsoka made a scornful expression: "He should be, but he is nowhere to be found, too"

Barriss threw her a look of poor sympathy and sighted "Maybe he has good reasons, too"

"He just has a girlfriend" wined Ahsoka, perfectly conscious that she was making a fool of herself in front of Barriss.

Her brand-new friend let out a small laugh, but said, more seriously "Don't worry, Ahsoka, boys always act strange when they are in love"

Ahsoka shrugged, the same thought of him really being in love a little too much hurtful to accept.

"I thought we'd be always be together" she admitted, looking away.

"And I'm sure you will" Barriss said with a warm smile "Even if there's somebody else in his life, it doesn't mean he will leave you behind"

"Jess did" Ahsoka replied stubbornly. My mom did, she almost added, but refrained.

"Have you tried to talk to him? Or to this Jess?"

"I… Well, no, they would just say that I'm jealous".

Barriss smiled once again "Or loyal".

Ahsoka grinned to her, her heart a little lighter. Maybe she could just be a looser together with Barriss.

(((((())))))

Obi-Wan Kenobi had been a looser almost all his life. At the age of thirty-six, he had spent all his life trying to be a better man –a better student, a better professor, a better guardian. And yet, he had felt that every role he had impersonated in his life, had been given to him by chance –as if he didn't really deserved it. He had always felt like a looser, but now, looking at his empty hangar, his ship gone with all his hopes, he felt he had failed the most important role of his life. He hadn't been able to protect him. He hadn't been able to calm him down, to keep him on the planet, to save him from himself and his stupid desire to change the galaxy single-handedly –or let it burn. He fell down on his couch, his hands covering his head, all the weight of failure hurting him.

He thought that his day could not in any way get worse –that is, until he received a call from Mr. Naberrie.

((((()))))

Padmé had never felt so bad in her entire life. Worse, she had never realized she could ever feel this bad. Compared to her current situation she thought that the things she was so used to call "problems" were the petty difficulties a spoiled girl faced. She thought exams or finding an intership were actual problems. But now she realized that real life was much worse than she could have ever imagined.

"You must be Anakin" Cliegg had stated, nodding gravely, a little taken aback from finding out what his wife's son looked like. Shmi had showed him a lot of pictures of a baby of three and of a child of seven and eight year old -but the person standing in front of him was already a man, tall and muscled.

"Mr. Lars, right?" had asked Anakin, pretending his mom's new last name was not something he had memorized the first time he had heard it. Lars. A Lars, not a Skywalker anymore.

The old farmer had just nodded again, his eyes almost faded with grief, fatigue and sand. He hadn't expected for the boy to come so soon. He hadn't thought that he would just give up on everything to see a mother he didn't seem to love so much. Padmé introduced herself to Cliegg and to the other members of the family, greeted with a grouch, dry politeness, typical of those good, sincere people that weren't spoiled or corrupted by a Machiavellian necessity of good manners and etiquette.

"We found her" Cliegg had said, addressing Anakin "We are… we are glad you came here.. on time"

Anakin had not answered, looking down to the man. He had understood everything the moment he and Padmé had entered the room. There was no hope, not anymore. They had found her, yes. The only thing he was eager –and yet didn't want- to know was if she had already died.

"Shmi is…" but Cliegg's voice broke. He didn't want to burst into tears in front of his son and his daughter-in-law or this child of Shmi's.

"Your mother in her bedroom" Owen continued gently. He hadn't spoken a word since they had come in and Padmé jolted in surprise at the gentleness in his voice. They were good people.

Anakin nodded and followed Owen in the dark room where his mother was dying. He was strangely calm, almost dizzy, almost incapable of feeling his own emotions, as strong as they were. His mother was dying, he could understand that rationally. But he couldn't really grasp it emotionally, he couldn't understand what it meant at a deeper level. He was not sure what it meant. Probably, only that he was going to be an orphan.

((((()))))

"Tatooine?" Ruwee Naberrie exclaimed. He was a diplomat, a negotiator, used to deal calmly with other people and to treat them with respect. But this, this was unbelievable. His little daughter, taken by some questionable boy of some questionable origin to the Outer Rim? To Tatooine, nonetheless?

"Yes" confirmed Obi-Wan "I wasn't able to stop them, I-"

"So you let this… this boy take my daughter to Tatooine?"

"It's not Anakin's fault" Obi-Wan articulated, sure that his attempt to defend Anakin would just fell on deaf ears. "His mother disappeared, he just rushed to his home planet and Padmé probably-"

"My daughter would have never done something so foolish!" Mr. Naberrie insisted "She is not… It is dangerous!"

"I know!" exclaimed Obi-Wan "Look" he added after a few seconds "Don't assume that I am less worried about Anakin than you are about Padmé" his tone was much harsher than he had intended but it had an effect on Mr. Naberrie. The man fell silent, listening, probably for the first time since the call had started, to Obi-Wan.

"I know it's a bad situation… We need to find a solution, to bring them back here…"

"Professor Kenobi" started Ruwee "With all due respect, the only thing we can do is to call the authorities and to…"

"You can't do that!" Obi-Wan argued. Why had Padmé left without leaving a note for her parents? She and Anakin had been gone for more than a good twenty-four hours now. And, yes, of course they had grown worried, of course they had called her friends, of course their friends had told them about Anakin. And of course, they had found out that Anakin had a tutor and that tutor was Obi-Wan.

"The hell, I can do whatever is in my power to protect my daughter!"

"I don't think your daughter would be so much pleased if you got her boyfriend arrested!"

Silence fell again. Obi-Wan understood Ruwee. He would have done the same. But he would not let him worsen Anakin's situation. It was already bad enough.

After some, long moments Obi-Wan heard a feminine voice speaking: "Professor Kenobi? This is Jobal Naberrie speaking…"

Obi-Wan heard her husband protesting in the background, but it didn't seem to affect Mrs. Naberrie's resolution.

"I understand you want to protect Anakin" she said "He is a good boy, I have met him on some occasions… And I think that he really cares for our daughter…"

Obi-Wan heard Ruwee again, saying something like: "Care? Do you think he really cares if he's ready to take her to Tatooine?" but Jobal seemed to ignore him again, focusing her attention on Obi-Wan.

"I think we can find a solution to take them both safely home"

"I'm listening" replied Obi-Wan slowly, his mind already guessing what she might have in mind.

"We are good friend with Senator Palpatine" Jobal stated "Everything on this planet is about politics, I don't think it would be difficult for him to… well, to make it look as if Padmé and Anakin had never left Coruscant".

((((()))))

"Mom" he cried, tears falling freely on his cheeks. It couldn't be possible. It wasn't happening. Not to his mom, not to him, not even this.

"I love you, Ani" said Shmi, forcing a smile "I… I'm so proud of you…"

(((((())))))

They were well aware of how little the academic world trusted Senator Palpatine. And they knew as well that professor Kenobi was a witty and adamant opponent to his upcoming candidature to Supreme Chancellor –his articles hadn't fallen unnoticed to the Naberries's eyes. But there were things that transcended political opposition. Things like love and two lost kids they had the duty to protect. Obi-Wan sighted, gathering the energies necessary to answer to Jobal; he sighted again, defeated. No matter how much he wanted to deny it to himself; he was ready to sell his own soul to protect Anakin.

"I'll come with you, Mrs. Naberrie" he announced dryly "Let's see if Senator Palpatine can help us"

Mr. Naberrie nodded gravely, and threw her husband a relieved look. Professor Kenobi clearly loved Anakin as much as they loved their daughter.

(((((())))))

When he finally emerged from the room, nobody could really speak to him. Cliegg had left to say goodbye to his life, the exact moment he had entered the small living room again. Owen and Beru were looking down respectfully; they seemed both unable to express their own grief and sadness, not when Anakin and Cliegg had so much more rights to feel sad than they felt they had.

Anakin was standing in the middle of the room, still incapable of saying anything or to make anything. Padmé approached him, taking his hand on her own. He looked into her eyes, still unable to communicate. He has cried, the girl realized.

"Where did you find her?" Anakin asked almost suddenly, making Padmé, Beru and Owen jolt at the unexpected hardness in his voice. Both Beru and Owen were used to consider death to the Raiders' hand a natural way of life, something that was not anymore inevitable than a stroke or any other form of death. Padmé on the other hand had never heard him speak with such violence. She almost feared him.

"They left him on the hill where she had disappeared.." Owen explained, not dearing to meet Anakin's eyes "We were searching for her, but when we finally found her it was… I… I'm very sorry" he concluded, murmuring the last few words. Anakin took a deep breath, his eyes burning, his fists clenching. He looked like a human again; a full human, devoured by emotions. He punched the wall and left the house, a growing sordid anger in his gut.

Padmé froze for a long moment. Then, she realized what she had to do and followed Anakin.

It took her hours to calm him down, to convince him to let him go of everything he had felt in the past days, months and years. It was unnerving to see him in such a state –desperate and angry and cruel. It took her a lot of time to convince him that it was useless to go and look for the Raiders, that he would only risk his life for nothing, that vengeance was not going to get his mom back from the dead. Finally, he burst into tears, crying hard for the first time in fifteen years and she stopped talking. She just stayed there with him, outside in the cold night of the desert, holding him and stroking him and repeating, like a mantra, I'm so sorry, Ani.

((((()))))

"Fucking planet" Anakin spat the morning after, tasting the granulose and sharp sand in his mouth. Padmé said nothing, but took his hand. It had been a long night, and neither of them had slept a lot. And it had been a long morning, with Shmi's funeral and everything. And now they had to go back, it felt almost unreal what they had just faced together.

"I'm sorry" he said, echoing the same phrase she had murmured to his ear all night "I… I should have never took you here…" there was an unspoken need not to talk about what they had shared; everything too painful, too crazy, too much for them to accept. But it was difficult as well to do the non-talking thing.

"I…" Padmé started, but fell silent. I love you. "It's horrible" She stated "I mean.. you had to live here, and I… I had no idea.."

"I was lucky" he said quickly, his eyes blue again, his expression a little bit more alive. He had looked so defeated the night before, so unlike himself "I left… I could leave… If my mother.. if she had had less courage, if she had done like the other mothers, resigned to this life, I would have never come to Coruscant… I would have never met Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan and…" his throat was suddenly very dry. It was like making a list of everything he had renounced to.

"Anakin.."

He would have never met Padmé. He would have never done anything he loved, he would have never met all the people he had learnt to love. He would have never met Padmé. He had given everything up for his mother, the woman that had made all of that possible.

It seemed fair enough. But it didn't seem fair at all.

"Anakin, you deserved everything you had, you weren't lucky.."

He almost laughed. "Padmé, I am a student at a prestigious university" he said matter-of-factly "Here, you are considered a lucky bastard if you get to go to elementary school."

"I am sorry" was the only thing she managed to say.

"I am well aware of the privilege I had" he stated, again "but it's not your fault" he added, his tone more determined and more similar to his usual one "You are the one who deserves everything"

"Ani, I…"

"It's true… You are clever and you always study and you will have the beautiful life you worked for.. and yet you are here, with me, you are loyal and brave enough to be here.." he concluded.

She fell silent again, startled at the compliment she had just received; Anakin had always been affectionate with her, always telling her how beautiful she was, how dedicated and kind and sweet. But she had never realized how much he actually respected her. She suspected that he respected her more than most people in her life did. They boarded the ship, silent again.

He knew that he would be kicked off Coruscant and that it would make more sense just to stay on Tatooine. But at the same time he didn't want to say goodbye, not now, not yet.

Padmé, like the very clever and very studious girl she was, had just had an idea. But it was so fucking crazy that she could not even admit it to herself.

(((((())))))

Anakin raised to his feet, incapable of staying still a minute more. They had just jumped to hyperspace, with six long hours before getting to Coruscant.

"I'll be expelled" he reasoned; for some obscure reasons he felt the need to say this aloud. He was feeling dull and empty, too tired to feel angry or sorry for himself. He just felt the need to tell her, to finally make her understand that they had a very little time to spend together left.

As much as he hadn't asked for a different life, now that the different life had happened and he was about to lose it, he felt lost. He would lose everything, just like that, all that had been his life in the past ten years. Sure, he could ask Cliegg and Owen if he could work with them, help in the moisture farm. Maybe he could open a mechanic shop on Tatooine, once he had the money.

And yet, his stomach was empty with fear and loss.

He would never be a mathematics graduate. He hadn't realized up to that moment that he wanted so badly to get the degree. He would never take Ahsoka to live with him. He would never again spend afternoons complaining with Obi-Wan for his lack of taste on ships.

(Not that he regretted this. He had wanted to say a proper goodbye to his mom. He would have never got the chance if he had waited the authorities' approval.)

"I run away, stole a ship from a professor and your dad probably thinks I kidnapped you." He stated again.

He was going to get expelled, he really was. He was going to lose his job as a mechanic –who would hire a thief? Even if Obi-Wan didn't denounce him, news travelled fast and he had no doubts that his employer would not allow him to stay long. No, Anakin was going to lose his scholarship, his place in the university, his job and the planet he had learnt to call home.

And he was going to be kicked off of the planet.

He looked down at the beautiful and brave girl at his side. She wasn't speaking at all. He would lose her too, forever –even if she wanted to renounce everything and follow him on Tatooine, he would impede that. He would not ruin her life, as he had ruined his own. He took her hand and lift it to kiss softly the white knuckles.

They exchanged a long, meaningful look. She could feel her eyes starting to water at the perspective.

"I love you" he said. Not that it mattered, now. Padmé blinked, as if she had just realized something and remained silent. "I'm sorry" he added, slowly.

And then, just like that, as if she was simply asking Anakin to hand her the salt, Padmé said two words she would have questioned many times in the future, without ever regretting them.

"Marry me"

Anakin stared at her. He hadn't heard it right. He was going deaf (or crazy again).

Padmé stared back, her expression a resolute frown.

"Well?" she asked "I love you too, you know? And if you marry me you won't have to leave Coruscant"

Good evening/morning, everybody! Yes, I'm still here writing :) As usual, thanks to everybody who commented, reviewed, liked, favorited, followed or simply read and enjoyed this story :) I'm having a lot of fun writing it and I hope you have fun reading it as well. Anyway, my dear readers, we are almost there! Yes, it is sadly almost finished: there will be an epilogue and that will be it!

Or maybe not? XD I admit I've been planning to keep on with this story, so if you enjoyed it and want to know how it continues stay tuned because there will be a sequel :) it will be probably called "Same, old, in-between stories" but you never know, maybe I'll come up with a better title in the meantime XD

See yah, folks! :D

THANK YOU A LOT

p.s. As usual, reviews are moooost welcome :D