A/N: Yey 10th Chp! If you're still reading the story thus far. Thank you! :D
Next few chps explores how Taka got his charisma. His first meeting with Bansai, Itou, Nizou, Henpeita & Matako during the course of one night in Edo + saves Katsura-kun's life, too ;) Chp 10 is a flashback chp. Chp 11 is the direct continuation of Chp 9. Warning: Some Horror/Angst/Supernatural/ in the opening section. Miserable Tak-kun has a death wish…Is it disturbing? Or amusing? You decide...
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Shouyou-sensei & Takasugi-kun
DECAY HEAT CHAPTER 10 : FIGHTING 2
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(Flashback to one summer a year ago, when Takkun was Twelve. This might explain the "loyalty" quote mentioned in the last chp)
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"You're a bad boy, Takasugi-kun."
It was all Katsura-kun's fault. He shouldn't have said such tactless things.
"Your parents have done so much for you, but what have you done for them?"
"Your country has done so much for you, how will you show your loyalty?"
His criticism, delivered in a tone of extreme refinement and exceeding arrogance, made Takasugi-kun go crazy. "You don't deserve to know,"was his quiet response, but even Katsura-kun could sense that was because Takasugi-kun was keeping a tight lid on his emotions seething underneath. So he apologized and left, unaware that his classmate would brood on it all afternoon and all night. Katsura-kun had meant no harm, he was just attempting warn Takasugi-kun that selfishness was bad and that he ought to start appreciating other people for a change.
If he only knew where he was coming from, he might have regretted it. But then again, how could he have known? When it came to Takasugi-kun's past, everything was hidden. Who could have known the littlest comment would set off an irreparable chain of self-destruction?
Like an avalanche, a dark notion tumbled through Takasugi-kun's subconscious, gathering momentum, growing larger and larger, scarier and scarier. He was helpless before the mountain-sized obsession; all he could do huddle into a ball, in a corner of his single room, covering his ears. He was waiting for nightfall, when darkness gave him the privacy needed for him to…escape. As soon as the bell rang 8pm, hour of Dog, he clutched a dagger to his chest and crawled cravenly out the door. Scurried down the outer corridor, hopped off the veranda and skated down the open plaza, the smooth flagstones gleaming with moonlight as if sprinkled by a layer of frost. He shot past the stone Torii gate and chased its finger of a shadow down the long flight of stairs leading to the valley below, toward the forest of black pines that cloaked the shoreline like a fur-lined vest. The vast opal ribbon of the Okawa River… spanned limitlessly across the open land...
Running, leaping…almost free-falling.
The adrenaline in his veins made his footfalls as light as a fox.
Pebbles and pine needles dislodged by his movement pelted down the steep staircase as if carried by a temporary stream after rainfall.
The full moon fastened herself to Takasugi-kun and followed him everywhere he ran. At times emerging; at times hiding as she traveled behind the humps of rolling hills. One moment she's pure white; and the next thing you know, she's a lurid vampiric pink. He saw a smoky cloud swallow her face; she looked dressed in a tarnished gold veil that deepened into a frothy gown of red. Soon afterwards, a velvety black eyepatch drifted over her face and cut her hazy hues in half.
Eyes...they look like eyes, those devouring eyes, those disapproving eyes, it's -- Father's eyes, his aggressive, domineering stare. That watery eye, it's Mother's …submissive, teary eyes! No! - ugh!"
"Stop frowning at me! Stop looking at me like that, you stupid!" he protested weakly. He flung an arm over his arm and cowered against the stone steps, terrified of what might happen if he let go, he'll go insane, that's for sure. "Stay away from me," he shrieked mentally, "Stop making me feel guilty!" He got up and ran again, but he was running in circles, his mind was trapped in an obsessive cycle, like the moon. He was losing his sanity, he knew it!
Running, leaping, falling…
Pebbles dropping, tumbling down.
After what seemed like an eternity of floating, (more like having his emotions being kicked around like a paper ball), he arrived on solid ground, the grove of pines at the shore of the river. Good thing no one was around, even if they tried to approach, the silence was so perfect he would be able to hear or feel any disturbance from a mile away. I'm safe…no one can sneak up on me…to get close to me and stab me in the back. Breathing hard, he leaned his back against a tree trunk and slid down, legs stretched out like a broken doll. The carpet of fallen pine was soft, smooth and thick.
Tears flowed down his cheeks. He wasn't really sad, just… needed the release. "I'm all alone. No one loves me." He said aloud, and laughed. How pathetic, he knew it. He laughed again, maliciously.
A Lack of Love.
It's that simple.
Pathetic! Hahaha!
In his mind, he let his two dark tormentors tower before him again. They were not like ordinary human beings, but were huge, nebulous figures, as tall as a mountain and heavy as a waterfall pounding on his head…ready to envelop him, crush him and grind him down to dust…. He heard voices.
"What rotten shell of a human you are…I hate being alone with myself…please let me forget….What a puny ant I am…"
He slowly unsheathed his dagger. Its blade was blunt, having previously been sanded down for this very purpose…slowly, agonizingly; he dug the straight edge into his soft, childish skin. At first nothing could be seen, so he had to repeat the act, with a sigh of patience like a cynical old farmer plowing his fields. His lips curved with satisfaction when he noticed that the wounds had finally puckered up and released little round beads of blood, as precious as rubies, the sad harvest that feeds a sadistic heart.
Death…
My best friend…
A cool, peaceful darkness enveloped his soul…for a quiet minute, he was able to let it all go, making scratches in soothing rows, following the river's flow~~~
His pupils dilated happily.
Truly my best friend…
His mood flipped from angst to excitement. He spoke aloud to himself. "If I'm such a bad boy, then shall I make you happy and kill myself, and spare you the burden of raising me?"
No, he hadn't aimed for his neck, but high up on his thigh, where no one can see.
"As if I'm going to end it in such a pathetic way!"
"Do you know how hard it was for me to just to survive to this age, you bastard!"
Takasugi was Twelve.
He flung the dagger far away, to remove the temptation to indulge in further…acts. One night he went as far as to carve a smiley face on his forearm, which in retrospect was highly embarrassing.
"You beat me when I was young? Hehe…just you wait, when you're an old man and I'm a young man, then it's my turn— to beat you!"
"Hahaha! I'm going to make you pay!" he shouted loudly. Although he didn't mean it seriously, he couldn't help visualizing it. One night of red paint splattered on cream shoji, a searing wind blowing away the burning remains of a family home…
"Gehh!" At that instant, his insides clenched in pain and he fell to his palms and knees. It's not possible to wish destruction on those you still loved and not feel equal hopelessness.
Deprived of home; devoid of hope.
Warm droplets splattered upon the ground.
What was that?
It's not me…
One drop sparkled on the glassy pile of pine needles, another landed on his head, he scrambled up and spun round and round, but he could see no one in the grove of pines. In front of him, the riverbank was deserted…
"Who is it?!" he yelled.
"Takasugi-kun."
A calm gentle voice, oddly familiar. "S-Shouyou-sensei?"
"Takasugi-kun…Takasugi-kun! Up here!"
Shouyou-sensei was leaning against a branch, white robes and white hair floating with bluish-white luminescence in the softly swaying pine branches.
"SHOUYOU-SENSEI!!" Takasugi screamed. He turned pale, then blushed red all the way to the roots of his hair. So he has seen him..rant and curse his parents? Oh god, what will he think of me now?
Shouyou-sensei threw a twig at the startled boy. "Hush, Takasugi-kun. You look like you've seen a ghost! Sorry for startling you." His voice was kind and he hid his chuckle behind his sleeve.
"What are you doing here, sensei?"
Shouyou-sensei sighed. "There are some letters that I feel more comfortable reading and responding to, while in contact with Nature. Nature always reveals the Truth from the lies." A refreshing breeze blew through the pines.
Takasugi looked up at Shouyou-sensei, eyes shining with admiration. It wasn't his words that made such an impact, but his profound peacefulness. Takasugi had never really appreciated the beauty of nature until he made contact with Shouyou-sensei. This was a man whose every single step, every single breath, was filled with calm and purpose. Time literally flows slower in the presence, and a joy fills your heart.
Shouyou-sensei folded the letter he was reading, placed it in a large cotton kerchief containing large bundle of other letters. The material made a soft, slinky sound as he expertly wrapped it into a bag, slung it over his shoulder and jumped from the tree to the ground.
"And what were you doing, may I ask? Takasugi-kun?"
Takasugi hung his head and did not respond.
"Just taking a walk. I'll be leaving now."
"Don't forget your dagger over there…" Shouyou raised an eyebrow, almost mockingly.
"I…" Takasugi clenched his fists and cringed, the earlier conditioning gripping him. A beating, lashing or some other kind of humiliation was in order. His eyes flew open in surprise when he heard Shouyou-sensei retrieving the dagger instead. "Nice dagger. May I borrow it for a week?"
"Y-yes." Taka nodded awkwardly.
"Don't worry, Takasugi-kun, I won't tell anyone what I saw. Come with me."
They walked along the riverbank, atop round pebbles bleached white by the moonlight. Two shadows strolled companionably, one tall and one short. The relaxing rush of the water reverberated mildly through the valley. The waves were brownish, scenting the air with tannin. Shouyou-sensei stopped beside some large boulders that blocked the wind, knelt down and made a small firepit. He opened his bundle, took out one letter and struck his flint and steel. A shower of sparks rained down, some blew away by the breeze. Takasugi stuck out his small hands to shield it. The thin corner of one end caught alight. Buoyed up by the hot wind, the burning edge started to float upwards, but Shouyou-sensei held it firmly by its other edge. The paper curled, consumed by brown spots. It buzzed and crinkled.
"I call these my "Flying Ears, Long Eyes", don't they look like it?" It was no secret among them that Shouyou-sensei received many letters each day from his colleagues all across Japan. Although he never left their boarding school, he was able to gather the latest news from all over the country.
Takasugi-kun laughed involuntarily.
"Here, help me burn this stack."
He lit the paper from Shouyou-sensei's hand. The flames hopped across and burned merrily.
"Why are you burning them? They're letters from your friends, aren't they?"
"No, not friends, comrades."
"Comrades?"
"Those who follow the same Path. People from all different classes, samurai, farmers, merchants, even daimyo…we mix freely to discuss our concerns about the country, ignoring the class differences. You know how the country is right now, don't you? The Bakufu looks stable on the outside, but…" Shouyou-sensei fanned the papers a little, letting the hungry flames bloom at the sudden influx of oxygen. "The structure is rotten, one strong push and it's ready to collapse."
"Then…what will happen to us?"
"That's…what we are discussing in these letters."
Takasugi gasped, opening one letter. Shouyou-sensei gently placed his hand over the paper and shook his head.
"Don't read it. You're too immature."
"W-what?" Takasugi felt confused if not a little insulted.
"All this information…" Shouyou started burning another letter. "You can read and read and never know the truth. Because the truth is inside you. What do you really want? How do you really feel? That's far more important to know."
Takasugi did not respond.
"Try it. Try and say what you really feel."
Takasugi remained silent and pulled his legs to his chest, embarrassed.
"Alright…I'll speak for you." Shouyou grinned mischievously. "As I was reading my letters in a tree, I saw a torch fly down the stone staircase from the temple school to the riverbank. At first I was worried it was a fire demon, but when he got closer, guess what I saw? " Shouyou-sensei shook the paper which was burning at one end and made it fly in a diagonal line from high to low. "A person coming my way, with his head on fire…" Shouyou-sensei chuckled. "Oh my, it's Takasugi-kun with his head on fire! Everybody HIDE!!"
Takasugi felt the chuckle escape from his lips, then burst out laughing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …!! He laughed uninhibitedly. He's been caught at an undignified moment, but so what? Sensei got him there. He spoke the truth. "I thought the moon would wreck vengeance on me, but it was really my own head that's on fire."
"Huh?"
"You told us that when we are angry, we should not say an unkind word, but make a poem instead."
"Yes. I did, didn't I… " Shouyou-sensei mused, speaking more to himself than his student. "Doesn't speaking your truth make you happier? It always does. When you find your real self, it's like arrival after a long journey. You're happy, because you've found your sense of purpose. In comparison to that feeling…no, that understanding and the confession, the threat of death becomes as dust." He let the burning paper drop into the pit, poked the ashes.
"As dust…"
The infinite delicate tulle layers of thin paper reduced to charcoal collapsed with a swish and a wisp of grey smoke streaked skywards. Shouyou-sensei felt a chill seep into his bones, brought about by the rising mist. He coughed, fragile shoulders shaking. He was only a young man of 27 years old but his thin body had taken enough overwork to last 72 years.
"Shouyou-sensei, are you alright?"
"Yes, thank you."
"One more thing. Takasugi-kun…do you play a musical instrument?"
"No."
"It's my fault…I don't have a talent for music, so I can't teach you. But you should find someone who does. Ah…I'll speak with Farmer Jo, the big guy who likes nothing better than to sit on his porch in the evenings, drinking a cup of sake and amusing the kids with his stories. He'd be happy to guide you if you show interest. Music…the origin of music is in our heartbeat, da-dum, da-dum, or our footsteps, left-right, left-right. Call it our eternal home, if you will. If you understand music, where you lay your head is home."
"I…I've always been interested in music. My mother is an excellent singer…when she's not screaming."
Shouyou-sensei was silent.
"She puts more power into her screams, I daresay."
"Oh really…then it would make sense that you inherited her talent, amongst other…gifts." He turned and smiled ironically at his student.
"Gifts?" Takasugi doubted it.
"Gifts…"
"Shouyou-sensei, why are you suddenly telling me all this?"
Shouyou-sensei studied his observant young student. "I might be making a journey away from Edo, although this is not confirmed yet."
"Where will you go?"
"…I can't tell you, the reasons are political."
"I don't need to know, Shouyou-sensei!! Take me with you! Wherever you go, I will follow!"
"Takasugi…kun." His teacher exclaimed.
"Sensei, I want to stay with you forever, don't leave me." He threw his body in a bow in front of his leader. "Please take me with you!"
"Takasugi…kun. Get up, please, the riverbed is no place for bowing."
"Don't leave me, sensei! You're the only one I have…"
"There, there…you're showing it again…you're lacking in self-confidence."
"…"
He's only been showing his real self. It's insecurity that eats him most of the time, leading to his need to always have someone under his paw. Like the game kids play; they hold hands and try snapping one's thumb over the opponent's, after a brief skirmish, the thumb that clings to the top, wins!
"Besides, I'm merely going on a temporary mission to gather information." Shouyou-sensei reassured. "Wait for me here…and stay away from street politics."
"…"
"There is a lot of underground tension in our society, threatening to erupt in violence. A person like you…might be swept away by the tide of paranoia, and drown."
"Paranoia…what's that?"
"When you feel your neighbors have ganged up on you, your colleagues stick knives in your back and your friends lie to you."
"Ah…"
"When you swear you'll take them all to hell with you."
Takasugi gulped.
"It's alright, everyone has a wild beast we keep inside, don't we? When we feel threatened, the beast emerges and annihilates everything in its way. But beating him is of no use, he only responds to kindness. Forgive him. Just forgive him, please…."
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Just forgive him, please…
Forgive…the Black Beast?
Forgive…myself?
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"You're a good kid, Takasugi-kun."
Takasugi nodded silently, and tears flowed down his cheeks. The lines were dark, but his eyes were bright.
They were tears of joy.
"Thank you, Shouyou-sensei."
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To be continued…