lyssa
The morning we were to return to school was hectic. It was a Saturday morning, so for once all of the kids were coming too. Usually mum and dad just took Hayden and last year it had just been Hayden and me. This time, all of us were going together. So we had to get up earlier than usual to make sure the twins and Hailey were ready. We were also taking Richard because he'd gotten in a big fight with his mother the day before at our final dinner party. He'd decided to stay the night and Aunt Brenda had told him she wasn't coming to see him. I had a feeling she would though. I couldn't see her missing his first day of school.
It was lucky he was with us though. He was able to make sure the boys got ready. The moment he mentioned that they could see the train they'd be riding in a year, they stopped protesting about getting dressed and hurried upstairs. They didn't want us to leave, which was why they were being brats. However, Richard spoke the magic words.
"Thanks," dad said to Richard. "Last year they hid Hayden's books. We had to send some to him because we didn't find them by the time we had to go. William had forgotten where they all were," and then he turned to Hayden. "You do have all your books this time?"
"Ashley charmed our trunks last night after we double checked them," Hayden answered.
"William said it would be juvenile to do the same thing twice," I said. "I don't think they've done anything this time. Well, except for trying to eat breakfast as slow as possible," I added and then I turned to Hailey. "Let's dress the same again."
"Okay," she said eagerly.
She scrambled out of her chair and rushed over to take my hand.
"What are we going to wear today?" She asked.
"You choose," I told her and we hurried from the room.
Hailey chatted all the way up the stairs about wearing the pink dresses mum had bought for us. We have a lot of pink dresses that mum had bought, so I wasn't sure exactly which ones she was talking about. We both loved pink, so mum knew that was her go to colour when it came to clothes shopping for us. Both Hailey and me both said that you could never have too many pink clothes.
We entered her room, and Hailey walked into her closet and pointed to a light pink dress. It was a light summer one that just went above our knees and it had spaghetti straps. Mum had bought them for us for Florida but of course we'd never gone. It was slightly chilly out that day so I wasn't sure of it was the best dress for that day. I pointed this out to her.
"We can wear white t-shirts under them," she said.
"That's true," I answered. "Okay, you get dressed and I will too."
Even with Richard's help, by the time we were all ready it was almost ten-thirty. Mum and dad decided it was best just to apparate us because we would never make it in time with the van. They'd wanted to drive but we had taken so long that it wasn't possible. I'd decided to have a shower after all even though I hadn't planned to. Neither William or Cameron could decide what to wear. They didn't want to look silly on the platform. Hailey had trouble getting her dress on and she'd needed mum's help. One of the straps broke, so mum had to fix it. Hayden found out that he'd grown again during the summer and the outfit he'd picked out no longer fit, so he had to check all his clothes (including his school uniforms) to make sure they fit.
He even accused William at first of doing something to shrink his clothes. This caused William to have a tantrum because he was innocent this time. So mum and dad had to calm him down and Hayden had to apologize. By the time all of this was over; dad glanced at the clock and swore when he saw the time.
"Looks like we are apparating today," dad said with a sign. "Hayden, we're going to take Alyssa and the twins first and then we'll come back for you, Richard and Hailey."
"We can take them all at once," mum pointed out to dad. "Why are we leaving some of them here?"
"Trunks remember? It's always been harder for us to do it that way and the last time you sent Hayden's trunk ahead, someone else accidentally grabbed it." Dad said. "You take the twins and I'll take Alyssa and her trunk."
"Oh right," mum said with a grin. "We'll be back for you three," she added to Hayden, Richard and Hailey.
Dad took a hold of my hand while he grabbed my trunk in his other hand. For some reason, the more people you took, it made it harder to take objects with you. Dad had also heard about someone getting splinched and he was now paranoid it could happen to us.
"Ready?" He asked me and I nodded.
Moments later we were going through that uncomfortable feeling of apparition. I hated it but I knew at times it was necessary. When I was old enough, I would be taking my lessons. Mum told me that as uncomfortable as it was, it was the best way to travel. It was cheaper than a port-key, you didn't get dirty or dizzy from it like with the floo, and it was faster than a broomstick or a car.
I knew we were there before I opened my eyes because I could hear excited shouting around me. I opened my eyes and looked around. The moment I opened my eyes I glanced around the misty platform. Mum appeared moments later with the boys. They let go of her hands and tried to rush off but dad called after them.
"You two stay with Alyssa until we get back," he told them. "You have time to explore."
"And make sure you listen to her," mum added and simultaneously they left.
I was often surprised when they did things like that. Sometimes I thought they could read each others minds or something.
"Can't we just go on the train?" Cameron asked me. "We can help you put your trunk on it. You can't carry it yourself."
"We can do that," I said. "I imagine Mackenzie or someone already got our compartment."
The boys hurried to lift either end of my trunk and I led them on. They both talked excitedly about Hogwarts and the train as we went on. It didn't take long to find my compartment. A couple of the girls were already on the train. They both grinned when the three of us entered.
"Future first years," Robin said laughing.
"Yep!" William said excitedly. "Next year we'll be taking that school over."
Once we had my trunk in the luggage rack, they turned and ran off. I hurried after them. I was worried they were going to try and explore the train. However, once I caught up to them it was to find that they were rushing off. I was thankful for that. I was sure somehow I'd be blamed if they'd decided to do that.
When we got off the train, it was to find that they hadn't even returned yet. I figured they'd be back by that point.
"Let's just wait here," I told them. "Mum and dad said you can explore then they're back. We don't want to annoy them today of all days."
"We're ten so we aren't going to get lost," William told me. "Sometimes mum and dad worry too much."
Clarissa rushed over to greet me excitedly. Even though we'd seen each other the night before, she still hugged me. As she was doing this, mum and dad finally appeared with Hayden, Richard and Hailey. Somewhere I could hear Mickey screaming.
"Do we have our compartment already?" Clarissa asked ignoring her little brother.
"Yes, and Robin and Phyllis are already guarding it," I told her.
"I'd better get my trunk on then. Michelle is waiting for me but then I saw you. I'll be back," she said and then rushed off.
I shook my head smiling and then looked around for anyone else I knew. Mackenzie wasn't too far off. I saw that she was talking to some of the Ravenclaw boys. Richard yelled out to them excitedly when he saw them and then we both hurried over to them. They were two of his best friends. We were good friends with them too since we knew them through Richard. Although he'd branched out and made his own friends over the years, he was still close to us since we'd all grown up together. Some people used to make fun of him for being close to three girls but he didn't care. It had never stopped him but Richard had never really cared what people thought. It was something I was envious of him about. Even as a little boy he'd always been confident.
"There he is!" Simon said once we reached them. "You've been a hermit all summer."
"No I haven't," he answered. "Either I had to baby-sit the boys or I was with this lot," he said nodding to Mackenzie and me. "You know what mum can be like. Actually, I stayed the night at Alyssa's because I got in a fight with her yesterday."
"Alyssa, you've grown!" Simon said to me and then he walked over to hug me. He looked up at me. "You're going to be six feet tall I bet."
"I hope not," I muttered.
At first I'd been proud of my height but lately not so much. I was taller than the boys and usually girls weren't supposed to be taller than boys. I was hoping that soon I would stop growing. I had grown yet again that summer, just has Hayden had. It was normal for boys though, it wasn't for girls. Girls were supposed to be petite like Clarissa or even Mackenzie. I didn't want to be a giant.
"Why?" Kamar, Richard's other best mate asked. "It's not a bad thing. I'd like it if I could be your height."
I didn't answer him. I just gave a shrug and then looked around the platform. Not too far from mum, I saw that Aunt Brenda and Uncle Milton had arrived with the boys. I quickly pointed this out to Richard who nodded.
"You should go over," Mackenzie said. "You can't wait until Christmas to talk to her in person, Richard. As angry as you are with her; it will be hard on both of you to just talk on the parchments."
"I know," he said and then he turned to his mates. "I'll see you on the train. We already have the compartment reserved."
He then walked over to his parents with Mackenzie and I in tow. I watched as he hugged his mother who hugged him back. As much as they fought, I knew they both still really loved each other. Sometimes I heard the adults try to compare him and Aunt Brenda to Hayden and his mother, but it wasn't the same thing at all. Aunt Brenda could be too much, but she would never abandon her son.
"Do you think they'll ever get along?" Mackenzie asked me.
"Maybe when he grows up," I said. "Or when Aunt Brenda learns to relax a bit more. Maybe when Anthony and Dakota get older she'll be less intense."
"Maybe," Mackenzie said but she didn't sound so sure. "I should say bye to mum and dad again Alyssa. I'll see you on the train."
I was going to return back to my own parents but then I saw someone I hadn't seen since I was a very small girl. Hayden's mother, Rachel was there. At the moment, the two of them were eying each other. I knew Hayden hadn't seen her since she'd given up shortly before his ninth birthday. She had always come to the train station, but she always hid. She was a lot different from my memories, but then again I'd been about four the last time I'd seen her. I wasn't even sure if I even remembered her correctly. Of course she was much older but she looked different from my memories so I wasn't sure if I'd always pictured her correctly.
I wasn't the only one to see this. Everyone else had noticed Hayden was looking at something, and they were all turning to look too. Even the smaller children who had never met her knew who she was and what was going on. Mickey was actually calm as he watched. Hayden stood staring at her and then he walked over to talk to her. Once he did that, I hurried over to where William and Cameron were standing.
"Why is she here?" William asked once I reached them. "She shouldn't be here."
"She always comes," I reminded him.
"But hides," Cameron said. "She should have just stayed hidden. Why is she ruining his first day of school?"
"I wish I knew," I said.
From where we stood, we could see Hayden's expression. He was angry so we knew whatever they were saying was bad. Why wasn't mum and dad going over to stop this? I asked the twins this and William shrugged.
"Mum was about to go over but dad stopped her," he said.
"Guess they think it's better this way," Cameron said. "Hayden has wanted to yell at her for years. I bet they yell at her when you lot leave."
"You're probably right," I said. "You two will have to fill me in on what happens. Let's go over to mum and dad."
They didn't need to be told twice. The three of us walked over to join where the entire family was standing. Even mum and dad's friends were there and so were some other adults who I knew through Hayden's friends. I was surprised by the crowd that this situation drew. Many people knew what she had done though and they hated her. Hailey wasn't the type of person to really hate anyone, but I could see the look of fury in her face. It wasn't often one would see that in her angelic face. In fact, the last time I'd seen it was when she'd told me off.
Hayden turned away from her and walked over to us. Mum stepped forward to give him a hug and then everyone started to congratulate him and reassure him that he was better off with us. He bent down to pick up Hailey. Rachel who had been observing all of this was now staring at Hailey. I knew she knew what had happened all those years ago, but why would she stare at her? Hailey noticed and the two of them stared at each other before Hailey demanded to be put down. To everyone's shock, Hailey walked over to her. Mum called after her, but she didn't listen. I heard Hayden mutter for her to let it happen.
The majority of the time, my little sister was very quiet. She rarely spoke up when we all fought. Yet at times she reminded me of myself. I could never hold back my opinion for certain things. This was one of those times when she couldn't keep quiet. It was the same when she'd yelled at me to apologize to mum and dad at the beginning of the summer. No one moved as Hailey reached her. I wished that it wasn't so loud on the platform. I'd give anything to hear what she was saying. There was a look of guilt on Rachel's face though.
William and Cameron looked at each other and then nodded. They both walked over to them as well. I hesitated because I didn't know if they were going over to fetch Hailey or to talk to Rachel. Once I saw that they were talking to her, I followed over. The Hoofer siblings were taking a stand against this woman. Hayden had his say and now it was our turn. Mum and dad would have their turn soon enough too.
When I reached them, it was Cameron who was speaking up.
"Nothing you say can justify what you did," he was saying.
"Are you really ten?" She asked him.
"Yes, why?" He asked.
"That's just a big word for a child your age. I suppose with Ben as your father it doesn't surprise me though," she replied. "You've all turned out well and Alyssa you're so beautiful."
"Out of all of this the only thing you care about is what word he uses?" I asked her ignoring her other compliments for now. "Do you even care about what you did? Don't bring up irrelevant things Rachel. There's another word to add to your vocabulary. Don't try to dodge the subject on hand."
"Alyssa, you've grown so much since I last seen you," she said. "I bet you get good grades in school too."
"Why does that matter?" William asked her. "Of course we grew since the last time you saw us. I don't know smart words like Alyssa and Cameron but I do know you're a bad person."
Usually I would tell William that they weren't 'smart' words, but this wasn't the time.
"You don't know anything about me," Rachel said. "You don't what I went through when I gave him up."
"You don't know what Hayden went through," Hailey told her. "I wasn't even born yet and I know you hurt him. You hurt him more than anyone ever has."
"I knew it would hurt him Hailey. You are too young to understand," Rachel retorted.
"No I am not," she said. "I might be little but I know that it hurts people to do what you did! Hayden wasn't much older than me."
"I don't understand how you can keep defending yourself," I said. "We don't care about your feelings. We only care about how Hayden feels and felt. I was only four when you did that, but I remember everything he went through. I remember how withdrawn he was and how angry he seemed. He stopped playing with us for a while. Now you keep pulling this kind of stuff. You stand here and compliment me on my grades and my beauty, and yet you insulted me in your letter to Hayden. You insulted my parents too. How can you say I turned out so well when you insulted me?"
"I didn't mean any of it," she said. "I was trying to relate to Hayden."
"By calling me a spoiled brat? By telling him he should move in with you as a foster kid? You don't stop do you? You don't realize that to this day you are still affecting him emotionally. That's a big insult to tell your kid they can be your foster kid," I said.
"My parents like being his parents," Cameron said. "It's why they adopted him officially. It's why his last name is Hoofer now instead of whatever your last name is. We're proud to have him as our brother. We don't even talk about his adoption unless it comes up. Mum and dad call him their son. They even told him he can call them mum and dad if he wants, he just hasn't."
"Hayden wasn't born a Hoofer but is one now and will always be one," William added. "He is lucky he has nothing to do with someone like you. You're horrible and stupid too!"
"And we will never be embarrassed by him like you are," I added.
"I am not embarrassed by him," Rachel replied.
"Obviously you are," I said. "Why else would you want him to be seen as a foster kid instead of your real son? Why else would he be a big secret from your daughter. She's the same age as Hailey you know. Hailey loves having him as her big brother. I'm sure your daughter would love it too, but unfortunately for her, she'll never get to meet him. She's missing out."
"So are you!" Cameron said. "He's grown up to an amazing person and a good big brother and son. We're all proud of him. Too bad you aren't."
"Of course I am proud of the young man he has become-" she began.
"You can't be since you don't want him to be your son," William said. "You are a pathetic woman who should have her other daughter taken away. You don't deserve her or any happiness in life. You deserve to be alone forever and ever and have no money or nothing!"
"None of you understand the emotional torment I went through-"
"You don't understand the emotional torment he went through!" Cameron said almost shouting now. "He was eight and you are an adult! Why do you say we turned out so well when you say Hayden escaped nine years of their influence? "
"Alyssa!" I heard mum call. "It's time to go. The train will be leaving in five minutes."
I didn't want to go though. I wanted to keep telling this woman off. I hadn't been able to have my say.
"Rachel, you are a bitch," I told her. "I can tell you want our pity but I don't pity you. Actually, I do but not in the way you want me to. I pity the fact that you are a heartless woman who doesn't understand love. If you did, you wouldn't have given away your son for being magical. You wouldn't be doing the stuff you are doing now."
I turned to my brothers and sister to say good-bye and to give them all hugs. They all called out good-bye and I then I heard Cameron ask his question again. I really wanted to turn around to hear her answer, but I couldn't. I still had to say good-bye to the adults too. I ran over to hug as many of them as I could. Mum whispered in my ear that she was proud of me. I smiled up at her. She'd told me that many times, but for some reason it felt better to hear it at that moment than any other time.
I rushed over to the train where Hayden was waiting for me. He asked me what had happened and I gave him the gist of it. There was more to it, but I figured we could talk more later. As we got on the train, he said something to me that I couldn't remember him ever saying. Perhaps we'd never actually said it to each other because it was implied. He told me he loved me. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him too.
Hayden turned to leave the train, and I wondered where he was going. He must have forgotten to say good-bye to someone. I went on to our compartment so I could wave good-bye to our parents. Our compartment was full, and most people were by the window. I squeezed my way between Richard and Mackenzie to get closer to the window. I could see Hayden hugging the twins and Hailey who had left Rachel. She was on her own now and watching. She saw me watching her and she tried to wave to me, but I gave her a gesture that would probably make mum and dad ground me any other time. Neither noticed me though, they were watching Hayden with the kids. Rachel looked shocked and then turned away to look at Hayden who stood up and then hurried onto the train.
Moments later, the train began to move. We all waved for as long as we could before we took our seats again. I found myself squeezed between Simon and Reggie (another friend of Richard's) who were both sitting too close to my liking. Both could move over because there was enough space but they seemed happier to be sitting very close to me. Kamar was sitting very close to Mackenzie who looked just as uncomfortable. They were good friends of ours but they were also twelve-year-old boys. I knew from all the talks from my parents and Hayden that they were getting to that age. I also knew my own feelings when it came to boys. Although while I thought all three were cute, I didn't like them like that.
I was thankful when Minnie stuck her head into our compartment and called for us Hoofer kids and Clarissa. I got up quickly taking the lead out the compartment. The other three were quick to follow.
"What's going on?" I asked once we were in the corridors.
"We want to know what happened on the platform," Minnie explained. "Charles got us a compartment and wrote to all of us. I take it you lot haven't looked at your parchments."
"No, we didn't think we would have to yet," Mackenzie said. "It's fine by me though. I think Kamar fancies me."
"I think Simon and Reggie fancy me," I muttered.
"All boys fancy you," Clarissa said and I thought I heard some bitterness in her voice. Why would she take that tone with me? She was a very pretty girl and I knew a lot of boys liked her too. At least I was sure they did.
"Not all," I said and followed to where Minnie beckoned me. "Who is all there?" I asked her.
"Everyone now except Michelle," she answered. "Hayden said we can wait on her. Her friends wanted to talk to her. We'll wait for her to see her parchment. He said we could get you lot."
"I'd like to know what happened," Richard said. "There was quite the audience."
We entered the compartment to find Charles and Hayden sitting across from each other and talking. I hurried in to take a seat beside the window. I hadn't been able to get a window seat in my compartment. Clarissa took the spot beside me, and Mackenzie sat beside her. Richard took a seat in front of us beside Hayden. I was actually surprised Clarissa had chosen to sit beside me instead of Charles. Once everyone was seated, everyone began asking Hayden and me all at once what had happened.
"Wait for Michelle," Hayden said. "That way we don't have to tell it again."
"How long do you think she'll be?" Minnie asked.
"Knowing the gossips she hangs out with, I think it will be at least an hour," Hayden said. "They won't let her look at her parchment. Why a smart girl like her hangs out with that lot will never make sense to me. The only decent ones are Dawn and Catalina."
"They can be fun," Clarissa spoke up. "You don't have to be smart to have fun. They look out for Michelle. They aren't like some girls who are just mean gossips. Michelle's friends aren't like some of the girls in our year," she said as she turned to look at Mackenzie for help.
"They aren't bad," Mackenzie said to Hayden. "Believe me, they could be worse."
"They aren't like Becky or Colleen," Minnie added. "There is gossiping for the fun of it, and there is gossiping to be spiteful. I've talked to Michelle's friends and even Julie-Ann, the worst of that lot can't compare to them."
Hayden shrugged. "I've talked to them too and I just find their conversations to be boring and shallow."
"A lot of girls have those kind of conversations," I told him. "You can be smart but have silly conversations too. You can't tell me that your conversations are always enlightening Hayden."
Hayden just rolled his eyes and then smiled. "Fine, you've got me."
I saw him exchange looks with Charles and Richard though. They all likely thinking we just had silly conversations. It wasn't as if boys conversations were any better. I'd heard some of their conversations about pretty girls, shagging and other silly things. Andrew and Craig had likely talked to Hayden about Michelle. There was no point in telling this all to Hayden or the other boys though.
We changed the subject to the upcoming school year instead. Richard and Charles were in deep conversation about they could win points for the Ravenclaw that year. Minnie and Hayden were discussing the sixth year and we three talked about what second year would be like in comparision to first year.
Although Mackenzie was in Ravenclaw and she had her friends there too, we were still her best friends. We discussed how we could make sure that the three of us, or even the four of us could still hang out as much as possible. We'd managed it the year before, but we did worry that second year would be harder and we wouldn't see each other as much. I knew that Hayden had maintained most of his friendships so I hoped I would be as lucky too. I couldn't imagine life without any of them.
"Clarissa," Hayden said making us look up. "Maybe soon you should get Michelle."
"I'll give her about five more minutes and then I'll go," she said as she glanced at her watch. "I'm actually surprised that she hasn't come. I know she is curious about what happened too."
Not even a minute later, we saw Michelle walk past the compartment door. Charles called out to her and she looked over at us in surprise. I figured she must have been going to Hayden's compartment. The moment she entered the compartment, Hayden grabbed her arm and pulled her down on his lap. I smiled when I saw this. I hadn't seen my brother look this happy in a while. Even on a day after seeing his mother, he was still very happy because of Michelle.
Michelle asked what was going on, and Hayden explained why we were all sitting there. Minnie reached for the door to shut it so that no one could listen in. After Charles explained how we managed to get this compartment (apparently it had originally been Emma's) Hayden finally told us everything that had been said between him and his mother. After some discussion about what could be wrong with Rachel, they wanted to know what had happened when I'd gone over. I didn't tell them everything in order as I had to remember exactly what had been said but I explained the best I could.
I was still feeling quite happy about what had happened. Later I would write to my brothers and Hailey to see what had been said when I left. I knew they couldn't have said much more since they'd left her after I'd gone on the train. However, I also knew that mum and dad wanted to talk to her too. My brothers and sister would have more to tell me I was sure.
The talk turned from Hayden's mother to the family again and Clarissa's little brother, Mickey. I wanted to talk more about Rachel, but they were more interested in what was going on with William and Mickey. Mum and dad wanted to put William in therapy for a little bit to teach him to control his anger a bit better. Ellen and Keith were putting Mickey into therapy to find out why he was so out of control. I'd heard these conversations many times already the past week. I did hope therapy could help both boys, but I wasn't interested in that right now.
Luckily, Michelle turned the subject back to Rachel after a while. She wanted to know if Hayden would keep talking to her now, and he wasn't so sure now. I truly hoped he wouldn't. He didn't need that woman in his life. I knew why he felt he needed her, but she'd already proven that she could be heartless with him. She cared more about herself and keeping her life normal than she did the happiness of her son.
Minnie then revealed that she thought maybe there had been a fight after we'd left. Apparently she'd written to her parents while we were waiting for Michelle, and they hadn't wanted to talk about it. That seemed suspicious to me just as it did to everyone else. If they had just talked to her, they would have said. However, they had said it was best to wait. When parents said that, it meant there was more to it.
All at once, we began writing to our parents to see what was going on.
Mum, what happened after we left? Minnie said it's best to wait. Why is it best to wait?
Mum wrote back almost instantly. It was if she had been expecting this. Perhaps they all were after Minnie had written.
Wait until Hayden hears back from Rachel.
"Your mum must have said something awful to Aunt Ashley," Richard said.
I was assuming they all must have gotten a similar answer. I couldn't help but agree with him. If Hayden had to wait to hear from his mum; she had to have said something bad to either dad or mum. Whatever it was she said, they wanted her to tell Hayden so he could decide for himself if he wanted to talk to her again. I could see most people nodding in agreement to Richard.
"My mum said that you need to hear from your mum first," Michelle said to Hayden.
"She just said the same to me," Clarissa said.
"Dad said the same thing to us," Mackenzie said.
"This is really annoying," Hayden said with a sigh. "It's like first year all over again. I wish mum would just use the damn parchment. Ashley said the reason she isn't telling me is because once I find out what happened; it will be up to me to decide if I want to talk to mum again. It must have been really bad. I understand what they're doing, but I'd rather- well, I am going to try the parchment I sent mum anyway."
So I was right and I felt dread as I thought about it. What if she'd said something about Hailey to mum? What else could she say that would be really bad?
"I thought you said she threw it out in your first year," Minnie was saying as I contemplated this.
I did remember something about that, but Hayden still had his parchment out. How would he reach her?
"I sent her one just recently," Hayden explained. "After her last letter telling me off for telling Ashley and Ben and for my tone in the one letter. I told her it's easier to just use the parchments instead of waiting. I did it right after my party. I know she'll have it by now. Whether she threw it out is a different story. I can't wait a whole week. We didn't mention it when we talked. I should have mentioned it. She brought up the fact that it takes her a while to get back to me after all."
Hayden began writing on his parchment again. Michelle who was now sitting beside him was looking over his shoulder. It showed he really liked her. He hated when people did that. I was sure he was aware of her doing it.
"It had to be awful," Richard said as Hayden wrote. "Even mum is really angry about whatever happened. She has sent a long rant to me, but she has also told me she loves me. She never tells me that. She thinks it should be implied. She said she hopes I know that she'd never abandon me and she regrets everything she said yesterday and anything else in the past too."
That made me think it had to be about Hailey. Why else would Aunt Brenda say something like that. If it affected her to the point that she had to reassure Richard she loved him, it had to be something similar to Hailey. Aunt Brenda had almost lost Dakota after all. As I thought about this, it made me feel that I could forgive her for that remark all those years ago.
"You don't think she said anything about Hailey do you?" Charles asked who was obviously thinking the same thing. "Mum said that Ellen slapped her."
I widened my eyes in surprise just as Clarissa and Michelle asked:
"Mum slapped her?"
"She'd better not have said anything about that!" Hayden said angrily.
"Well it makes sense why they told her to tell you herself," I said to him. "Think about it for a moment."
"Believe me Alyssa, I am thinking about it," Hayden said angrily and then he looked over at me. "Sorry, I am not upset with you. I am just really pissed off right now."
I knew it wasn't me he was angry with though. I'd known it the moment he'd said it to me. I was feeling the same anger that he was. I could tell that he was doing his best to contain his anger and not lash out as he used to when he was little. It was the same way I hoped William would eventually be as well. We were all quiet until Hayden suddenly shouted:
"Bloody Hell!"
I knew at that moment, just as everyone else did that Rachel had said something about Hailey. Every face in the compartment was angry. Michelle was reading over his shoulder and the anger in her face confirmed this for me.
"She said it didn't she?" I demanded more to Michelle then Hayden who was still shaking in anger.
Michelle nodded and then began reading aloud:
"I said something I shouldn't have said Hayden. I told Ben that Ashley was careless when she was pregnant with Hailey. I didn't mean it. I only said it because they were all ganging up on me. Even Andrew's mum and some of your other friends parents were doing it. They shouldn't have ganged up on me and I wouldn't have said it. I must say, I am shaken up and I'm still at the train station."
"She's still trying to get pity!" I yelled angrily. She wasn't even sorry she'd said it. She was only upset that people had ganged up on her. "She's making it out to be everyone elses fault!"
"Even Andrew's mum?" Minnie asked looking over at Hayden. "I wonder who was all there then."
Hayden was already writing back to his mum. His face was very red and he was still shaking quite a bit. I wondered if he would accidentally break something with magic. Sometimes that happened if you lost control.
"I can't believe she would say that after she said the things about you," Clarissa said to me
"Yeah I know," I said and I shook my head. She'd called me spoiled for saying that same thing and yet she'd done it and she wasn't even sorry. I was. I still felt guilty every day. Sometimes I thought about it at night.
"What a despicable woman!" Richard said.
"I'd better tell mum and dad that she already wrote to Hayden," I said as I glanced at my brother with worry. I didn't want him to lose control.
I wrote to mum to let her know that Rachel had gotten back to Hayden about it. I could see that the others were doing this too. I asked mum if she was okay. As I thought about all this though, I started to think about the night I'd done the same thing. Wasn't I just as horrible as Rachel for saying it to mum? I'd said it out of anger because Hayden had basically called me a child. I was just as horrible as she was. Here I was bad-mouthing her, but how I could I when I'd done the same? How I could be angry with Aunt Brenda?
There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about what I'd said. There were times when I'd be having fun, but then I would think about it and I'd feel that horrible guilt. I tried not to cry. I hated doing it in front of people, but I also knew that it didn't solve anything anyway. I'd learned that years ago, so whenever I felt the waterworks coming on, I would do my best to do something more productive. That time I couldn't help it though. Thankfully no one seemed to notice. They were all bent over their parchments. I was about to look out the window to hide my tears, but Michelle who had been comforting Hayden noticed.
"Alyssa?" She asked.
I knew there was no point in pretending that I was fine. As every eye went on me, I explained why I was so upset. Hayden tried to reassure him that it wasn't the same thing, but I knew it was. Before I knew it, he was beside me with an arm around my shoulders.
"Alyssa, you were frustrated that night. Yes you were out of line, but every single one of us could see that you regretted it the moment it came out of your mouth. You are also twelve-years-old. You can't be compared to someone in their forties. She should know better. She said it when she knew how much it affected all of us; including you. I even told mum how guilty you felt afterwards. Mum knew what she was doing when she said that. She was angry that everyone was ganging up on her, so she tried to hurt your parents with that," Hayden said to me.
I didn't see how me being twelve was relevant. At my age, I knew better too. Mum, dad and even Hayden were right. I'd acted like a spoiled brat that night. Yes I had regretted it the moment I'd said it. I hadn't meant it at all, but I had still said it. It was because of Hailey that I'd even apologized.
"Exactly Alyssa, you can't keep beating yourself up over it. There is a big difference between the two," Minnie spoke up. "Hayden's mum knew that it would hurt them since Hayden had just written about that to her. I think it was likely a dig at you too when she said it."
Minnie was probably right about that one. Rachel was probably angry about our encounter and I was sure she knew mum and dad or someone else would tell me. Not only did she know it would hurt mum and dad, but me as well and maybe even Aunt Brenda and the others. The scare with Hailey had affected a lot of people. Maybe Rachel had even said it to hurt Hailey too. Thinking of all that still made me feel that I was no better. I knew how hard it was for mum to tell that story, and not even a week later I'd thrown it in her face.
"I still feel so awful about it," I said and I pulled away from Hayden a bit to wipe my face. "I can't help it. I'm always going to regret it. I've tried not to feel so guilty about it, but I do every single day. Then to hear that Rachel said it and then everyone talking about how horrible she is. I am so horrible too."
"No you're not," Michelle said. "You can't be compared to that-that disgusting woman! You knew right away it was wrong Alyssa. Rachel is blaming it on everyone ganging up on her. She tried to get pity from Hayden even then. You've never tried to get pity. You owned up to it right away and you admitted right away that it was wrong and horrible."
She wasn't right about that. It wasn't until Hailey had stopped me from leaving the room that I'd apologized. It wasn't until the next day that I'd given mum and dad a real apology. I'd known the moment the words had left my mouth that it was wrong, but Michelle was wrong when she said I'd admitted it right away.
"And that's how you're different from her," Charles told me. "You recognized that it was wrong without blaming anyone."
"Alyssa, the fact that you feel so much guilt is proof you're a better person," Mackenzie said.
"I'm always going to feel guilty," I said. "And all I want to do is hex Rachel for saying it. I can't believe she would say such a thing. Then it makes me feel like a hypocrite."
"Well that's what I mean," Hayden said angrily. "She brings all these emotions in people. Not just for me, but your parents and now with you too. Maybe she even wanted you to feel guilty for saying that. She hadn't expected for you or the other kids to yell at her. She knew that Ashley and Ben would mention it even if they hadn't threatened her to tell me. With mum, she was doing it as payback. With you, you said something stupid that you regretted. There is a big difference between the two and I hate for you to compare yourself to her. Please don't."
But how could I not compare myself to her? She'd lashed out when people had ganged up on her. I'd lashed out when Hayden had called it grown up talk. It wasn't that easy for me like the others. They all loved me, so they wanted to see the good in me. They all resented Rachel, so it was easy for them to be angry with her. Hayden would always take my side over hers.
"It's hard not to Hayden," I told him while I kept wiping away my tears.
"You're nothing like her," Clarissa insisted. "Everyone sitting in this compartment knows it. So do your parents and all of our parents. I just hope you will soon realize it too, Alyssa. You wrote to me the night that you said it and I remember how much you were full of remorse. Right now, I bet Rachel is all upset about the confrontation and not what she said. She is probably upset that Hayden is angry with her too."
"Clarissa basically nailed it," Hayden said to me. "That's exactly what it is. So please cheer up. We shouldn't all be sitting her so upset. It's the first day of school."
I knew there was truth in that. I still felt guilty but there was no point in insisting that they were wrong anymore. They were going to keep trying to cheer me up. I was lucky to have friends and family who loved me so much. All I wanted to do was go home and give mum a hug. Later I would write to her and dad and tell them how much I loved them.
"Hayden," Michelle started. "Maybe I am crossing the line, but I just really don't think you should talk to her anymore. What good has ever come out of it?"
Everyone in the compartment was nodding in agreement to this. Michelle was right. Ever since the beginning she'd made him feel horrible. He kept talking to her though. He kept telling all of us that we didn't understand, but how could we? Even Michael who understood his need to talk to her had been saying lately that perhaps it was best if he stopped.
"I don't know," Hayden said with a sigh. "I'll have to think about it some more. For now I'm not talking to her. She knows that. I really should get back to Ashley and Ben so they can know that I know now."
"Mum knows we know," Clarissa said to Michelle before she looked over at Hayden. "So likely they know. Everyone is at your place right now. All the kids are in the pool and they're on the patio and talking about today."
"I want to congratulate mum for slapping her," Michelle said.
I wanted to do the same. Ellen often said she hadn't always been a good friend to mum, but even after all these years she was still there for her. They had been friends for twenty years now. I sure hoped things would be the same for my friends. I decided at that moment to write to both mum and dad to tell them how much I loved them, and how sorry I was.
Michelle told Ellen that you are very upset and Hayden has told us the same. Alyssa, I really hope you will listen to all of us when we say it isn't the same thing. We are all together on the patio at this moment, and we've talked about it. Even your Aunt Brenda who was the most vocal about that incident has said the same thing. I believe she is even writing to you at this moment about it. Rachel did it because she hated the confrontation. She doesn't even feel bad about what she said. I can write that with confidence because many of the parents stayed behind. Jared was one of the last to come back, and he knows that she doesn't feel bad. She just feels upset that everyone ganged up on her and that Hayden is angry. You should not have said it, but you felt bad the moment you said it, and you still feel bad. You are also a twelve-year-old girl who couldn't control her emotions. Rachel is in her forties.
At twelve I should know better mum.
Yes you should, but there is still a big difference between an emotional twelve-year-old and a forty year old. I don't care how long it takes. I will do whatever I can to make sure you know there is a difference. You are not like Rachel and you never will be. I really hope you stop beating yourself up over it. Every single person here loves you and so does everyone in that compartment with you. Ben got your message and he wants you to know how much he loves you too. In fact, every single person sitting here wants me to tell you how much they love you.
I know all of you love me. Maybe I am not as bad as Rachel, but I do still feel guilty.
And that's how we know that you are a good girl. Please stop beating yourself up over it. It's the first day of your second year. You're supposed to be enjoying yourself and not thinking about that woman or your guilt. William, Cameron and Hailey are all saying that you aren't the same and they love you too.
Having all these people reassure people me did make me feel better, but I also still felt guilt. Would this feeling ever go away?
A new message appeared on my parchment from a number that I didn't write to very often.
Alyssa, Richard told me that you feel very guilty about what happened today. Your parents are also talking about it. I know that Richard told you that years ago I'd said something similar. It's something I feel awful about to this day, especially after almost losing my son. At times we all say things we say things we regret. If you learn from that mistake, that is a very good thing. It's how you grow as a person. No one is perfect but they can better themselves from making mistakes. It took me longer than it took you to learn, and that is one of my biggest regrets. My first is getting pregnant so soon. I should never have said or thought those things in the first place. I knew how hard it was for your mother and my brother. I do often think about it everyday, especially when I look at Dakota.
I feel I am no better than Rachel because I am a grown adult and it was my sister-in-law and my brother. I also knew the risks of getting pregnant so soon but I wasn't careful after Anthony was born. Your mum didn't know she was pregnant. If anyone should feel terrible and hypocritical, it should be me. Not you. Richard told me that you didn't tell your parents about any of that because you didn't want your mum to feel worse.
Alyssa, don't you realize that makes you an amazing person? You have always been aware of your parents feelings, even as a little girl! I also thank you for not mentioning it to them. I know you aren't doing it for me, but I am still very grateful because the last thing I want is for them to be angry with me. I know I come off as hard, but I love you and your parents and everyone else. You used to call me Aunty Brendy and I actually missed it when you stopped. It isn't easy for me to admit to things like this. I've always felt uncomfortable with admitting my love for even my own husband and son's. So it is taking a lot for me to write to you to say this, but I hate for you to feel so guilty because of that woman. She is the terrible one here, not you or me.
I smiled when I read all of this. I was always going to feel guilty but it was Aunt Brenda out of everyone who made me feel better. I quickly wrote back:
Thank you Aunty Brendy. I really appreciate it coming from you. You shouldn't feel guilty anymore either. Richard knows you love him despite your differences. I hope you know that.
I do know that. Thank you Alyssa. Please enjoy your second year. I know someday you'll make us all proud.
Thankfully, everyone seemed intent on changing the subject and soon we were all laughing together. Once Hayden realized I was happier, he went back to sit with Michelle. All of us seemed to want to be together at that moment instead of separate. We could have all gone back to our compartments, but no one got up. Not even Charles who usually kept his distance didn't get up and leave.
Later on Craig and Andrew even joined us. I was thrilled when he actually decided to sit beside me. My crush that I thought would go away hadn't. I still thought about him a lot even though he was much older. Mackenzie and Clarissa said it was okay as long as I didn't act on it. I didn't care that I was squished right against the window uncomfortably. I was just happy that Andrew and me were touching. I smiled at him and he returned the smile. I just hoped he would never find out how I felt.
Unfortunately, Craig and Andrew wanted to know what had happened on the platform. However, I didn't want to be so sensitive over it, so when Michelle mentioned that we should wait, I told them that it was okay for them to talk about it. Andrew thought that Rachel had said something about me, and got annoyed instantly over it. That did make me smile even if I dreaded the conversation they were about to have. I knew Andrew liked me, even if it wasn't the same way I liked him. As long as he saw me as a friend, that was good enough for me.
"She didn't say anything," I muttered to him before I looked out the window.
My feelings were contradicting each other. I was happy but I was feeling guilty at the same time. I kept my eyes on the scenery outside as Minnie told them what happened. When she stopped, the others would try and fill in anything she missed. I looked away from the window after a while to see Andrew's reaction to it. Both Craig and Andrew were frowning and by the end of it, they were both looking at me.
"You're nothing like her," Craig said to me quickly.
"You're not," Andrew assured me. "She's a grown woman for one thing. For another, she likely meant it."
"Right," I said. I hated how people kept comparing our ages. I was old enough to know better. I glanced over the window again. I didn't want people to keep reassuring me. Aunt Brenda had helped me feel better but I just didn't want to hear it anymore. I still needed to share some guilt in that, even if it wasn't as bad as what Rachel had said or Aunt Brenda. "I really don't want talk about that anymore okay? I don't need people to keep reassuring me."
"Well I think you do, but we'll respect your wishes for now," Andrew told me. "Good on Ellen for slapping her though. Glad she took one out of your book." I didn't look away from the window, but I couldn't help but smile at the last bit again. "Good thing you two are sitting in here Hayden," Andrew said now talking to Hayden. "Your ex came looking for you and she even tried sitting with us for a bit. She claimed it was her compartment too. She was trying to get more information about you and Michelle. She finally left because everyone was ignoring her. Quite an interesting new wardrobe she is wearing though."
I sighed with relief as the talk turned to Cynthia instead. I knew for Hayden and Michelle it was the last thing they wanted to hear, but for me I was glad for the distraction. I wondered if Andrew did it on purpose for me.
I loved starting the school year on the weekend. I'd lucked out when it came to that last year too since it had been a Friday night. The Hufflepuff's wanted to have a party to start off the school year instead of going to bed right away. This was enough to cheer me up. I knew I couldn't dwell on it and I didn't want to annoy everyone with my guilt either.
"Let's get some drinks," Clarissa said to me. "I want to get drunk tonight and I bet you do too."
"I'm not getting drunk," I said. "I didn't like the way I felt last year."
"It gets easier though. You just need to learn to pace yourself is all," Clarissa answered.
"And that's the plan," I told her. "You should take your own advice. I don't want to see you get sick. Mum and dad said you're small and you could get alcohol poisoning."
"It's why you drink water between drinks and you eat plenty," Clarissa replied. "Come on. You should have a few drinks at least. After the day you just had, I think you deserve more than butter beer. Come on Alyssa, don't tell me you're going to be a prude."
"I'll drink but just because someone doesn't drink; it doesn't make them a prude," I told her. "I did like the buzzed feeling it gave me last time. So I will have some. I just don't want to be puking tomorrow."
"I bet they have something else for us too then," Clarissa said.
"Clarissa-" I began.
"I thought you had no problems with it," Clarissa interrupted. "We talked about it during the summer. It does make you feel good Alyssa."
"I don't have any issues with weed," I said. "I do have a problem with using that stuff and alcohol to feel better. I don't want to be the kind of person who turns to things when I feel sad or angry. Remember the stories we've heard about Michael or even your mum. I just want to have fun. You know people are alcoholics when they use it to numb the pain."
"You're twelve, you can't be an alcoholic," Clarissa argued.
"Michael was," I reminded her. "Clarissa, just see if you can get us some drinks. I just want to relax and have fun tonight and not because of earlier. I just want to have fun and that's that."
"I'll be back," she said and she winked at me before she walked over to some older girls she knew.
I sighed. Maybe I was being a bit uptight but mum and dad did talk about Michael's problems often. They used to talk about it a lot when Hayden was going through his angry stage. They were worried he'd turn to alcohol or something to feel better. I didn't want to ever be like that either. I didn't want to associate drinking with numbing the pain as he used to. I just wanted to drink and get that buzzed feeling for the fun of it.
I glanced around the common room. We'd found a spot in the middle. Usually the older students took the corners over while us younger ones took the middle tables. In one corner, Michelle was sitting with a bunch of fourth years and laughing. She had a glass of something in her hand. It was a light pink liquid and I wondered if it was a drink. As I stared at her, someone wrapped their arms around my shoulder and I jumped.
I turned to see Stacey, Robin and Phyllis grinning at me with the second year boys.
"Alyssa!" Stacey said excitedly. "Why don't you want to sit with us? Where is Clarissa."
"I didn't know where you lot went," I answered honestly. "But sit here. Clarissa has gone to see if she can drinks from the older kids."
Clarissa and I had sat with them in the Great Hall but we'd lost track of them when we left. We'd stopped to have a quick talk with Mackenzie and her girlfriends. We weren't close to all the second years, but we all got along quite well anyway. Robin and Phyllis usually hung out with us a lot. Stacey would join at times too. There were a few other girls but they didn't talk to us often. Yona Reyes never talked to anyone at all. She seemed like a nice girl, but she didn't seem as if she wanted friends. We'd all tried to befriend her. Stacey wanted to be friends with everyone to the point that she hung out with a different group or person all the time. She'd found Yona's indifference to be insulting. We'd all tried to tell her it wasn't personal, but sometimes I thought Stacey resented her. Stacey was nice but at times I believed she wanted to be considered popular or something.
"You didn't have a pool party this year," Steven said. "I was looking forward to an invite."
"It was Hayden's seventeenth birthday," I explained. "All the focus was on a party for him. You lot can all come over again for New Years though. I really didn't have anyone over too much this year. Too much happened."
"Cynthia and Hayden?" Stacey asked. "And now Michelle and Hayden. I heard that Hayden was cheating on Cynthia with Michelle-"
"I don't believe that!" Robin interrupted her. "Hayden would never do that. Whoever started that rumour is some bitter girl. Don't tell me you actually believe that."
"Exactly," I said. "I don't want rumours going around about my brother or even my god sister. Hayden broke up with Cynthia because she was too jealous. He got together with Michelle on his birthday. I don't like when people gossip about my family Stacey."
"I'm just telling you what I heard," she said. "It was Denise who told me. So you should ask her where she heard it from."
"Who is Denise?" I asked.
Stacey pointed out to an older girl among the fifth years, one of the girls that Clarissa was talking to in fact.
"Well don't listen to the older kids," I said. "She likely heard it from Eileen or something. Maybe even Cynthia started it to get back at Hayden."
"Wouldn't surprise me," a boy named Travis said. "Some girls can be spiteful. I really don't care about sixth year drama to be honest."
"You only say that cause no girl will look at you," Ryan joked.
"Bet I've kissed more girls than you," Travis retorted.
"Bet you haven't," Steven said.
Thankfully at that moment Clarissa walked over with a tray of drinks.
"None of you have probably kissed," she said as she set the tray on the table.
"Are you forgetting last year?" Cory asked her. "You've snogged every bloke sitting at this table."
"Guilty!" Clarissa sang.
The comments people often made about her never seemed to bother her. It was almost as if she were proud of it, even the ones that weren't true. It was why I often worried about her. I watched as she sat on Steven whose face lit up. I remembered her comment on the train and I wondered how she could think that boys never noticed her. Most were staring at Steven with jealousy.
Everyone reached for a glass. It was the same pink liquid that Michelle and her friends were drinking.
"What is this?" I asked her.
"Just vodka and strawberry lemonade," she answered. "They don't really have too much variety at the moment for alcohol. At least that's what they told me. I think the sixth and seventh years are drinking firewhiskey though. They said we can have as much as we want though. There is plenty for everyone."
"I'm surprised you managed it," Robin said. "The rest of us can never get drinks. No one seems to care when you do it."
"They know what it's like for the older kids to stop them. They don't want to be like that. I doubt they'll let the first years drink though," Clarissa added as she glanced over at the nervous looking new students. "All of them are taller than me," she added sounding a little bitter.
"Not as cute though," Cory said. "Cheers to a new year!" He added as he held his glass up.
"Cheers!" We all answered.
I was glad to see that we were past the basics in classes now. I hoped we would learn some of the fun spells in classes now. I was also glad not to be the youngest ones in school either. We could find our way around without one of the older kids hovering over us. During the first week, sometimes the prefects would check up on us but otherwise they left us alone. The first years we had that year were brats. I knew a lot of them, but I couldn't remember them acting this way back in Primary school.
Emma was sorted into Ravenclaw (to no one's surprise) so I didn't get to see her as much. However, I did my best because I'd promised Tara I would. On the weekend, I asked her to meet me in the court yard with Mackenzie.
"What is going on with the people in your year?" I asked her after she told us how her first week had gone. "Several of our first years are already in detention."
"They're angry that they are no longer the oldest," Emma answered with a shrug. "It's stupid I know, but try explaining that to them. They're used to being the ones everyone looked up to, and now they are back at the bottom. I don't know what they think they are accomplishing by acting like that."
"Boys are stupid sometimes," Clarissa said with a shrug.
"It's not just the boys though," Emma said to her. "It's the girls too. Very few of us first years are the good ones. Lizzy lost all the points I won in Transfiguration."
"It won't last long," Mackenzie said. "The older kids won't stand for it more much longer. They all want to win the house cup. They'll try to get it back to a healthy competition."
"And I expected this to happen next year," I said thinking of the twins and Trevor.
Trevor wasn't as much of a trouble-maker as my brothers but he certainly had his moments too.
"I am tired of it because the older kids lump all of us together," Emma said. "We're the good ones but no one notices. I was told to behave this morning and I was just waiting for Mackenzie."
"Surely Minnie knows that you are good," Clarissa said.
"Minnie is only one sixth year though," Mackenzie told her. "It was the same last year. I mean, we were no where near as bad as these first years. However, the people in her year thought she was biased because of Richard and me. They think the same when it comes to Emma likely. Minnie told people she's like another little cousin."
At that moment, a bunch of the first years went running through the court yard yelling. One of the boys tackled another and then to my surprise hit him. The other boy yelled out angrily and then managed to get out from under him, and then hit the boy back.
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" The other first years started to chant.
"Let's go!" Clarissa said excitedly and jumped up.
"No!" Mackenzie shouted and she grabbed Clarissa's hand. "They'll think we are involved. I think we should get out of here now!"
"Let go of me, I want to watch!" Clarissa said and she pulled out of Mackenzie's grasp and then rushed over.
"She's on her own," Mackenzie said. "I'm leaving. I am not getting in detention."
She got up and stalked off back to the castle. I glanced back at Clarissa debating on what to do. Mackenzie had a point. This fight wasn't going to go unnoticed, and any witness would be in just as much trouble. On the other hand, Clarissa was my best friend.
"Let's go Alyssa," Emma said. "You know that anyone who watches will get detention too. They said at the Welcoming Feast. Don't let yourself get in detention for Clarissa. She's made her choice."
In the distance; I could see some of the older kids running to the court yard. Emma and Mackenzie were right. I couldn't let myself get in trouble for her, even if we were best friends. Our Headmistress had told us that anyone cheering on a fight was just as responsible. She said encouragement was just as bad as fighting. Clarissa knew that, and yet she was there among the first years cheering on whatever the boys were fighting about. I didn't want a detention and the last thing mum and dad needed was to hear about me getting into one. I knew they had enough going on at home.
"It's not betraying her, right?" I asked as Emma grabbed my hand and tugged on it to get me to move.
"She makes her own decisions Alyssa. Just because you two are best friends; it doesn't mean you have to do everything together," Emma told me. "Mum would be so diappointed if I got into a detention only a week into the school year."
I followed Emma and glanced back once. Clarissa didn't even notice we were leaving and the older kids were getting closer. They hadn't noticed us and perhaps if we'd stayed on our bench they would have left us alone. However, I didn't want to take any chances and neither did Emma. We found Mackenzie outside the court yard waiting for us.
"Glad you two came to your senses," Mackenzie said. "The older kids are fed up as it is, and I bet they'd want to pin it on any first or second year in the court yard. Let's just go to the lake. It's too nice to be inside."
Leaving Clarissa there was the start to many of the fights we would have over the years. Emma, Mackenzie and me spent most of the day sitting by the lake. It was a beautiful September day after all. Many people were outside, including Charles and some girl I didn't know. The two were hot and heavy with each. It was a good thing she wasn't out with us to see that.
Just as I had those thoughts though, we heard someone shout our names. Emma and I were talking about what she'd learn in Transfiguration. Mackenzie was busy narrowing her eyes over at her brother. We all turned when we heard our names to see Clarissa walking over to us. It was the angriest I'd seen her in years.
"You left me there!" She shouted as soon as she reached us.
"You know the rules," Mackenzie told her. "The teachers are coming down hard on the fighting. Apparently last year it got to be too much. I have a perfect record so far. If I get a detention; I might not be prefect in fifth year! We told you to come with us."
"Now I have detentions everyday next week!" Clarissa said angrily. "And all because of your selfishness!"
"No! You are in detention because you didn't come with us!" I said standing up. "How are we the selfish ones?"
"Because you should have stayed. All four of us should be in detention. We're friends," Clarissa said angrily. She was looking at me more than Emma and Mackenzie.
Emma looked at me and raised her eyebrows. I didn't know exactly what she was thinking, but I had a feeling it had to do with what she'd said earlier. She was right. We couldn't always do everything together. We always had and sometimes I had a feeling that she was only in Hufflepuff because I was.
Clarissa had always expected me to do what she did, and I never minded. We'd been best friends since birth and we had grown up next door to each other. Now however, as much as I loved her, I wanted to do my own thing. I'd tried to branch out a bit the year before and it had always annoyed her. Now she was angry that I hadn't stuck by to watch the fight with her.
"No, you should have come with us," Mackenzie said. "I tried to stop you. We are not the selfish ones here. You are by expecting us to get in detention with you. Why should all four of us get into detention for what was probably a stupid fight? Clarissa, it's very important for me to be a prefect. I am showing a bad example by watching a fight. I walked away as you should have."
"Best friends are always there for each other," Clarissa said angrily. She turned to me. "I've always been there for you when it comes to problems with your family!" She turned to Mackenzie next. "I am always there for you when the kids call you a brown noser!" She turned to Emma afterwards. "And I am always there for you when people make fun of your mother! And you-" and to my surprise she pointed at Richard who had just shown up out of no where. "I am always there for you when you complain about your mother! I am there for you for all of you and yet you betray me right away!"
Richard looked confused and I couldn't blame him. He had likely been with the boys all day, and he'd probably come out to see what we were up to.
"We didn't betray you!" I shouted. "Clarissa, it's you who is betraying us. This is just so stupid and petty. No wonder the older kids don't take us seriously. You're getting angry with us for something so silly!"
"It's not silly to me!" She shouted.
And then she turned on her heel and walked off. Mackenzie was shaking her head.
"What is it with her?" She asked. "She's changing so much lately and I don't think it's just a- well a womanly thing. Last year was bad enough but I've noticed all week she's been odd."
"Would someone care to explain to me what is going on?" Richard asked taking a seat beside Emma.
I sat back down and the explained everything to him. Richard rolled his eyes when I finished and then smirked while he shook his head.
"She's a card," he said with amusement. "She'll realize how silly she's being and she'll apologize."
"I just don't understand how she can get angry with us over that," Emma said. "We can't get in detention for someone over something so stupid. If it was a matter of defending her... but she wanted to watch a fight! It's just a stupid house rivalry anyway. They are in Gryffindor and Slytherin. I think they are trying to bring all that back or something. They used to be friends. It's not worth us getting into trouble over."
"I love Clarissa but I worry that she is going to be a lot of drama. Mum has told me so much about Ellen and her days at school. Sometimes I think Clarissa is trying to rival her," Mackenzie said. "Last year she got into all that alcohol and now this. Mum told me most of the petty fights your parents had back then were because of Ellen and Michael."
"They were stressed though," I said. "What does Clarissa have to be stressed about? Her parents get along now. Maybe it has to do with Mickey?"
"But she said that they know what is bothering him now didn't she?" Richard asked. "I don't think it's Mickey. She's never really paid that much attention to him. She always just ignored his screams and she has never seemed to care that much about him. It's usually Michelle or Elliot trying to tend to him. Even when she was baby-sitting for the last weeks of summer she just ignored it when he had his moments."
"I don't think it's Mickey. She's always shown indifference to him," Mackenzie agreed. "She only brings it up when we talk about it. Even then I don't think she is as worried about him as everyone else. I kind of wonder if it's about my brother," and she glanced over to where Charles had been. He'd left sometime between when Clarissa had yelled at us and now.
"But Charles notices her," Emma said. "Anytime she is all over him, he gives her the attention back."
"He is like that with any pretty girl though," Mackenzie said. "If a pretty girl shows him attention; he will give it back to her. I know she likes to snog, but I think she wants more with him. I think it's jealousy."
"Maybe we can talk to him about that then," Richard said.
"No, she doesn't want to draw too much attention to it and it will just embarrass her," I said. "We'll just talk to her to see what is wrong."
"Talking to Charles will just annoy him anyway," Mackenzie said. "He doesn't want commitment. I warned her about this at Hayden's party. I really don't want all this stress. Maybe it seems selfish, but I just really need to have good marks. I can't take that kind of stress and I know that with your parents, Ellen's and Michael's problems affected them. She is one of my best friends but I need to think of myself too."
"It's not selfish," Richard said. "It's one thing to be there for a friend. It's another when we have to deal with things like this."
"I'll just talk to her later tonight," I said. "Maybe something else is bothering her."
I was trying to think of other times she might have reacted this way to petty things. I really could think of it. We'd had arguments in the past, but we usually got over them within a day. When we were little kids; we'd have stupid fights over toys or games we wanted to play. Later on we'd talk about it and we could usually laugh about it later. This was the first time that she'd ever really lost it like this, at least with us. I knew she'd had her fights with Michelle over the years. Maybe it was her I could talk to about this. On the other hand though, I didn't want to stress her out over this. She was worrying enough with Hayden and Cynthia.
Later that night, I found Clarissa laying in her bed and staring at the ceiling. I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed.
"What is going on with you Clarissa?" I asked her. "Why would you get so angry with us over that? We did not betray you by leaving. You heard the Headmistress at the Welcoming Feast. She said that they would no longer tolerate fights or the people who egg them on. I don't want a detention for something stupid like that. If I had to defend you, it would be different."
"I know," Clarissa answered and she turned to look at me finally. "It's not really that I am angry with you lot about."
"Then what exactly are you angry about? You'd better apologize to everyone, especially Richard. He had nothing to do with any of it."
"Can't you sense it already Alyssa?" She asked me. "We're starting to drift apart."
"How do you figure?" I asked. "We hung out almost everyday during the summer. We're always together and I still tell you everything. Mackenzie tells us everything before she tells her Ravenclaw friends."
"But we're starting to do things outside of each other too," Clarissa said.
"And that's a bad thing?" I asked her. "We can't always do everything together. We are individual's. Cameron and William don't even do everything together and everyone always lumps them together as one person. I like doing my own thing. What about when we finally get boyfriends? We won't be able to do everything together then. Of course we can't ditch each other for boyfriends. We already agreed we wouldn't, but we can't just rely on each other forever."
Clarissa sighed and sat up. She moved so she could sit beside me.
"I know all that too Alyssa. I am just scared is all. I already wrote to Richard, Emma and Mackenzie to apologize. I figured I'd come find you later, but you came and found me. I do like the fact we have other interests but I'm still scared that we will drift apart too. It was an irrational reaction to finding that you lot were gone; I know and I am really sorry. It's just that I feel so frustrated lately too. I am still so small for my age. Mum had at least grown in her first year but Alyssa, I haven't yet! I am going to be thirteen in December and I am still so short. Elliot isn't that much smaller than me! I just don't think I am going to grow anymore. I want at least one more growth spurt."
"You still have time. A lot of people don't stop growing until their late teens," I told her. "And you grew a lot in our last year of Primary school, remember? I remember your mum said that she grew a lot in her first year. You're older than your mum was because you have a late birthday. So you both grew when you were eleven."
"I'm still smaller than what she was," Clarissa told me. "I know because I heard her talking to dad about it. She is worried about me too. She thinks that maybe the drinking did something to stunt my growth. The first years are taller than me and I hate it! If I could grow to be at least five feet tall I'd be happy."
"How tall are you?" I asked.
To me, Clarissa had always been small because I grew so much. I didn't think this was a good time to tell her that I was insecure about my height. I hated being so much taller than everyone in the second year. I was even taller than some fourth years! Sometimes I worried that I'd be as tall as my father. Girls weren't supposed to be six feet tall! I wasn't even sure of my height at the moment since I'd grown over the summer, so it was hard for me to tell how tall Clarissa was.
"Last time I checked I was just four eight. So I need to grow at least four inches to reach five feet!"
"Well you still can. You're twelve still. I don't know when people stop growing but it's not at twelve. I bet by seventh year you'll be even taller than five feet," I said and then accidentally added: "I wish I could stop growing. I'd give you inches of my height if I could."
"I wish I had that problem," Clarissa said sounding a little bitter. "You're so beautiful and tall. So many boys like you."
"So many boys like you too," I said. "I hear them talking about you. You're very beautiful too. I think you're going to be prettier than Michelle and she is beautiful."
"Right," Clarissa said still sounding down but then she shrugged.
"Clarissa, there's something I've been wondering for a year now. Did you get sorted into Hufflepuff so that you'd be with me?"
"Why do you ask? Do you think I am not Hufflepuff material?" She asked sounding defensive. It made me think that she had.
"Of course you're Hufflepuff material. You've always been loyal to us. I just remember your sorting took forever to get through. I didn't question it last year because I was just glad that we were sorted together. Usually when the hat takes that long on someone's head it's because it is indecisive. You should be honest with me. You were just worried moments ago that we might not be as close and you know that you can trust me."
"It wanted to sort me into Slytherin," she admitted. "Well, it mentioned Gryffindor and Hufflepuff too but it saw a lot of Slytherin in me. How can I fit into this house or Gryffindor if I am more Slytherin material?"
"It could mean a lot of things though Clarissa," I said. "It saw that you could fit into three houses. That's not a bad thing and some of the nicest people we know are in Slytherin. What is the big deal?"
"The big deal is that I don't want to be Slytherin! My parents are both Hufflepuff's. I wouldn't mind Gryffindor because my grandfather was there. I have friends there too. I just couldn't bare to be separated from you though Alyssa. I told the hat that if it could see me in Hufflepuff then I wanted to be sorted with you. We've been living next door to each other since birth!"
I decided there was no point in contradicting her. We'd actually lived next door to each other since we were four, not since birth. However, our mum's had arranged play dates with each other as much as possible. I was sure even back then that we'd seen each other almost everyday. I knew a lot of the time mum had sent me over to Ellen's because of the twins. They'd been a handful for her when they were toddlers.
"It doesn't bother you does it?" Clarissa asked when I didn't respond.
"Of course not. I wanted to be with all three of you. I was relieved it was you," I told her. "You're right. We grew up next to each other. You just have to realize that we can't do everything together, but that doesn't mean we are drifting apart. Also, I am not going to get in detention for you when it's something stupid like watching a fight."
"What if me fighting someone?" Clarissa asked but she was smiling.
"We'll worry about that if it happens," I replied. "But if I don't wait around, don't be too angry. I do want a clean record too. So if I get detention, it has to be worth it."
"Mum thinks it's stupid I'm even in detention," Clarissa said. "But she said it's stupid for me to be angry with you lot too. I admit, I wrote home to complain about you and mum told to be to grow up. She's right of course. She said she doesn't agree that I should be in detention for that but I shouldn't be angry either."
"Well you shouldn't. Not to sound selfish, but I have enough going on without worrying about you being angry with me over something petty," I told her. "And you shouldn't be stressing yourself out either over something silly either. We have enough going on without fighting over silly things. If we fight, we should be fighting over something that is serious."
Clarissa nodded, and for the moment we were okay. At the moment though, I didn't realize that there would be a lot more drama with her as the years went on.