"Lori? Are you serious?" I felt a surge of fear and anger, wondering why she would let this happen.
"Please. Don't say anything," She whimpered and looked at me, holding one of her shaking hands up.
"Why would you ask me to keep something like this a secret?" I stalked over closer to her and whispered angrily to avoid attracting Daryl's attention. He was but 50 feet away, and had impeccable hearing.
"I know I got no right, but Rick's got so much pressure already, from Carl and Sophia. He can't know. Not now. Not yet," She began to cry again, and despite my best efforts, my heart ached for her. I was never much good at being intentionally cold towards others, only those who had really wronged me. And Lori hadn't. If we were being honest, I'd wronged her.
I brushed through the grass as quietly as I could and knelt next to Lori, placing my hand on her shoulder.
"I won't say anything. Not yet anyway. It's not a matter having something to use against you, I would only tell someone if this whole thing threatened our safety. Which it will, Lori, you know this will threaten all of us," I said, swallowing noisily.
"I know," she said, and bit at her nails.
"Why would you put yourself in this position then?" I said, probably sounding harsher than I meant to.
"No, I mean, I know. I know about you and Rick."
My hand recoiled from her shoulder as if she had burned me.
"What?" I said, trying and failing miserably to act clueless.
"He told me about y'all," She didn't seem mad, honestly. Hurt though, yes. Very.
"He's always gotta be the hero, the good guy, like you said," I inhaled shakily, and the dirty and shamed feeling returned, highlighting what I'd done. I wiped my now sweaty palms on my jeans.
"He thought I was dead. Just like I thought he was dead," she paused, "I made mistakes too, Heather. I ain't got no right to be mad."
"You have every right, and I'm sorry. It was only once," I said, feeling the sting of tears returning to my already wet eyes.
I thought about what she said; she had made mistakes, and everything began to fall into place. The growing animosity between Rick and Shane and Lori's discomfort whenever she was left alone with either of them. And I remembered the cold gaze in Shane's eyes at the memorial; almost seemed unfeeling.
"Shane...?" I whispered, eyes widening.
"Heather?! What the hell ya doing?" Daryl's voice called over the summer bugs. Lori didn't say anymore, but I saw the truth in her eyes. I got to my feet, and brushed my knees off, making my way back through the tall grass to the edge of the camp.
"Please just come sit with me." I said to Daryl as I returned to his tent.
"Don't beg. I'm only goin' so ya eat somethin'," He said, and stalked off ahead of me towards the glowing embers of the fire. I heard a tent zip up, and figured it was Lori going to bed. We were the only ones who were still outside, though we saw Andrea, Dale and Carol sitting at the table in the camper eating.
"I'ma go get ya somethin'," Daryl said, seeing the others eating as well.
"I'm not hungry Daryl," I lied. I was actually famished, and it was a weird feeling, going so long without food, then back to having 2 and sometimes 3 meals a day again.
"Don't care, Barbie," He sauntered off to the camper door. I was surprised he didn't go back and get a squirrel for me to roast.
And I chuckled, despite everything that had just come to light. I was terrified for Lori, and pissed at her for some reason. Possibly because I was assuming she'd wronged Rick. But I'd wronged her, so I couldn't say anything. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Daryl emerged from the camper with a large plate of food, and my mouth watered. I had hardly eaten today, and my stomach growled in anticipation. He tossed me a can of coke and set the plate on the ground next to me.
"Where were ya before?" he asked me as I put a spoonful of beans into my mouth.
"Hm? Oh I went pee," I said, speech thick with a full mouth.
"Liar," He said.
"Do you wanna come out and watch me next time?"
"That's a loaded question. I might," He said, and actually chuckled.
"Gross," I smiled too, taking a swig of coke.
After a moment's silence, Daryl got up to tend the fire. The night air had become cooler and the grass began to dampen under our bums.
"When d'it happen?" he asked, all humor had left his voice, the tone that replaced it cold and gruff.
"What?" I asked him, unsure of what he was getting at.
"Oh come on, Barbie, you know I can hear everything." And he scoffed, throwing a log into the fire with unnecessary force.
My mouth went dry, I suddenly felt nauseous, and the food I'd eaten lay heavily in my gut.
"I knew you was with him. I see how he looks at ya. I asked ya if ya were with him the day we went back into Atlanta on our own," he went on.
"Stop Daryl. It wasn't like that. It happened before I met you. And if you don't recall, you called me awful names and degraded me, so why the hell would I have thought twice about it?" I hissed, speaking in barely more than a whisper.
"Did ya fuck him? Right before you fucked me?"
"Stop!" I said, louder than I meant to.
"Answer me that. I wanna know what you did with him," He continued remorselessly, jealousy oozing from his words.
"No, I didn't fuck him." I said, dramatizing the foul word, and I poured a little bit of soda over the fire to hear it hiss.
"Tell me!" he yelled, not caring about any audience we might have had.
I figured I'd better just get it all out on the table, but as I was thinking of the words to say, I realized I wanted to make Daryl jealous. I had no idea why.
"I ..can't talk about this," I said, and I waited for the explosion.
"I bet you did everything. Just like I figgered. That's why you gave it up to me so easy huh? You just love when people tell you you're purty, that it? You get off on it."
"I was lonely Daryl! It was literally the first time I'd seen anyone alive since my family was ripped apart in front of me. I apologized for what happened between us, me and you, because it was too fast, and I figured since I had been with Rick before we met, it didn't matter. But don't think I didn't think about it. I felt horrible," My voice shook, but I went on, "you just told me back in the woods off the highway when we were looking for Sophia, that I shouldn't think so much into it right? You all but said we were nothing."
"We are nothin'. Just a mistake," he said quietly, biting meat off of a bone that I think had belonged to a rabbit.
I trembled, my anger flaring again.
"Then don't act like your opinion is going to matter to me. I don't care what you think about me. I'll suck off every guy in this camp, and not give a shit if you're jealous, if that's what you want. If we're nothin', stop coming back for more. It's not like I'm lookin' for marriage, but I can't keep this bipolar shit up. I still have feelings," I got to my feet and purposely kicking dirt on Daryl, I stormed off. "AND I'm still sleepin' in your tent." I called back and ducked to avoid hitting my head on a low branch of the tree next to the tent.
After I had zipped myself up in his tent, I listened to the silence for five more minutes, then heard him storming over. He nearly ripped the zipper from the tent and he plowed through the entrance.
"I could throttle ya, girl!" He said, voice still a bit shaky. I flinched as he dropped next to me.
"Do it then. You'd have to kill me when I come back, add me as another tally on your walker count," I mumbled, wiping snot from my runny nose.
"I ain't gonna let ya die," He said, his voice softening.
"Don't say shit like that. You act like you couldn't care less, then you come back and talking like you'd die for me. That's what I was talking about before. It's confusing," I said, placing my fingers on my temples, rubbing to relieve the confusion and building pressure.
There were no more words, just a quiet rustling and I felt the wind knocked from me as Daryl pushed me back so I laid horizontally. I stared up at the silhouette above me, and my breath hitched in my throat as he pressed his lips to mine gently. There was no force this time; no rush.
"Don't do this and then push me away again," I said breathily in between a kiss.
"We don't have to do nothin' if you don't want. I always think of when you got real mad at me and we ended up fuckin'. Best night of my life." He sat back down next to me, leaving me to catch my breath.
"Do you wanna do it again, or no?" I said, meekly, and I added, "stop saying 'fucking' like that. It's not pleasant to hear anymore,"
He nodded, almost looking embarrassed, and said, "Is that a serious question, Barbie? Who would say 'no, I'm not into sex during the apocalypse?'"
"Touche," I said, and I decided to try something new. "Lay back." I said to him as my vision adjusted to the dark. I watched as he narrowed his eyes and leaned back so he was supporting his upper body on his elbows.
I lifted the bottom of his shirt up so just the trail of coarse hair was visible above his belt line. I shuddered, lust taking over, as I traced the thick line of hair, and I felt his skin twitch where my finger made its way down. As I unbuckled his belt and fumbled with the button, he fell back and his breath came in quick puffs as he anticipated what I would do next. There was the quiet noise of the zipper and before I could blindly fumble some more, his length sprung free and slapped me right in the forehead.
"Really?!" I busted up laughing and though he tried to hide it, his quiet laughter shook his body. "Do you want something?" I asked sarcastically and without warning, I wrapped my hand around the soft skin of his shaft and began to rock my hand up and down. He groaned with pleasure and felt him squirm as I stopped pumping to press my index finger and rub on the under side, that sensitive area. I moved in and placed my lips on the very tip of him and breathed deeply, letting him feel me kiss him.
"Christ," he moaned and I felt one of his hands move to my head and pull me towards him. I obliged and opened my mouth, taking him in slowly. I got into a rhythm that seemed to please him; his back was arching and he had resorted to entwining his hands in the sleeping bag he laid on.
"Do you like that?" I asked him between gulps.
"Mm," Daryl grunted, "faster," he said.
I listened and sped up, wrapping a hand around the base and massaging there while I continued twirling my tongue around his head.
"Not gonna take me long," Daryl managed to gasp out, and he continued soon after, "stop, stop!" and I listened as I felt him throb from reaching his peak and stopping it at the last minute.
"Where do you want me to...? I don't wanna do it on you..or make you," he asked, still out of breath.
"I'll let it up to you, Daryl."
"Can you take off your shirt?" he asked, the shy boy coming out again. "I want to make you feel good,"
I didn't reply but sat up and reached my hands round my midriff to pull my shirt up and over my head. He motioned for me to lay down , and he aided in spreading my legs, leaning in close to me. I was wet; very, and could feel the cold air hitting me, making me clench up.
He touched me, very briefly, starting at my neck. He moved down towards my chest, and grasped my breasts, squeezing them and I squealed, writhing under his touch. It was nearly unbearable and I bit my lip, a little harder than I intended to. His hands traveled further down, stopping at the start of my pubic hair- he continued on, using only his index finger, and slid it down between the folds; he pushed the one finger into me slowly, torturously, repeating this 3 times, only 3 times, and removing his finger.
"I think I'll make you wait for it," he said to me, but he reached up and placed the same finger that had been in me to my lips. I opened my mouth and allowed him to place it on my tongue. I tasted myself, along with the saltiness of his skin. I sucked briefly and sat up.
"I'll wait for it patiently," I said breathlessly, so aroused I could hardly speak. "Let me finish you," I said calmly, and I pushed him back gently so he was laying again. I looked down at him with wide eyes, brushing my breasts against him. He groaned again as I took his length in my hand, stroking fast. He placed his hands behind his head, and I felt him begin to swell under my finger tips. "Keep going," he said, and he released himself onto my chest with a final grunt, followed by rapid breaths as his whole body trembled when I stroked.
"Goddamn," he said, a little to loud and rubbed his eyes, "seein' stars," I grabbed my dirty shirt and wiped away the mess from my exposed chest and after tossing it aside, I scooted over closer to Daryl; not touching him, but close enough to feel his warmth.
"I'ma sleep good tonight," Daryl said simply, and turned over, wiggling down into his sleeping bag.
"night," I said, and did the same myself.
"Oh, an' I heard about Lori too. Dumb bitch's gonna get us all killed," He whispered.
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.
"Please don't say anything. She'll think I told you," I said, shivering a bit from a cool breeze that drifted through the tent's fabric.
"You gotta tell Rick," He said, the grumpy voice was back.
"I promised her I wouldn't. Not yet. You know it's not my place!" I justified keeping my mouth shut.
"If you don't tell him, I will. He got a right to know, even if it ain't his."
Though I knew he was right, the sympathy I felt in my heart for Lori trumped everything else, because my heart was just too soft.
"Just let it go for now," I bit at my nails, "also, you owe me something," I said, reminding him that I was still waiting for his touch.
"Mm," Daryl grunted and he was silent then. I drifted off into a deep sleep; deeper than I'd slept since this thing began.
"I'm gonna make you wish for death," his voice was cruel and emotionless, and I felt rough hands pull me back by my hair, forcing me to the ground. My eyes were covered with a bandana, my hands were tied, as well as my ankles, and I felt the burn of the rope digging into my flesh as I struggled for freedom.
Though I sobbed, no noise came out. My mouth was full of gag cloth; it tasted dirty and bitter. The tears ran hot with anger and sorrow, and I dreaded what would happen next.
"Where is he?!" the cold voice screamed in my ear, and he pulled my head back harder by the hair so that my neck was so strained, I gasped for breath. He ripped the gag out.
"Answer me, damn it!" and his fist landed with a crack on my back. I slumped forward, unable to move or breathe.
"I don't know...I don't know, I swear I don't know!" my voice cracked, and I heard a belt buckle clink behind me.
"Heather!" I woke with a start to Daryl leaning over me. I flinched and recoiled; I was surprised to find that I was crying full tears.
"What the hell's a matter with you?" Daryl asked me, scratching his head. It was already sunny and hot, so I'd slept clear into the next day.
"Nothing. It was just a dream. What time's it? Why'd you let me sleep so long?" I mumbled, wiping my tears away as I sat up lazily.
"It's only around 9. Figgered you hadn't slept well since, you know. I'm goin' out looking for Sophia. Andrea, T, Shane and Rick are goin' out too, splittin' up two and two to cover more ground in the woods. Ya sure you're okay?" he asked again, obviously not convinced.
"I said I'm fine! Leave it Daryl!" I said.
"Arighht! Sheesh," Daryl was eating an apple and widened his small eyes at me as he got to his feet.
Although I knew it was a dream, my skin hurt and crawled like everything had really happened. Shaking off the thought, I watched as Daryl walked off toward the horse barn with a small bag and his bow and arrow.
I rummaged through my pack and picked out an outfit. My black and orange White Riot Clash tee shirt was still my favorite, and holding it up, I pulled it to my face and breathed in. It still smelled like home, faintly mixed with the musty smell of the bag. When I modeled, I modeled more feminine clothes, and even though I love to extenuate my body, I love it more when I can really feel like myself in a battered tee and a pair of leggings. I rummaged a little more, and dug out my faded gray leggings and untied the laces from my dark green doc martens so they fell free from the strap of my back pack where they'd been secured. I got to my feet shakily and slid the leggings up, pulled the tee over my head, and I balanced myself enough to slip on my boots. As I walked out into the sunlight, I bent over and threw my hair into a messy high bun so my hair resembled what I'm sure looked like a fully formed bee hive set precariously on the top of my head.
I made my way over to Carol who was working on laundry. She smiled when she saw me approaching, and smiling back somewhat, I took a pile of clothes and clothes pins. I took a place next to Carol and began hanging clothes along with her. Just then, Lori came out of her tent looking rough, might I add.
"I can't believe I slept so late," She said after 'good morning's were exchanged.
"You seem like you need it. Everything alright?" Carol asked her and my eyes automatically went to my feet.
"Yep fine. Be sure to wake me next time, especially on laundry day," Lori insisted, and I went back to hanging clothes.
"I've got it covered, Lori. And Heather's not useless, she's helped since we met her," It felt nice to have someone stand up for me, even though I knew for a fact I hadn't helped near as much as I wanted to. I'd prove my worth here someday, I was sure of it.
"I have an idea...What would y'all think of cooking dinner for Hershel and his family? Seems like the least we can do for letting us stay, and it feels like it's been so long since I been in a real kitchen," Carol said longingly, and she like the rest of us seemed to have nostalgic memories with food.
"Seems like a fair idea," Lori said, and she also began working on laundry.
As the two talked, I heard their voices trailing in and out, my brain focusing unceasingly on that dream, and my eyes began to feel like they were jumping up and down. As the dizziness subsided, a wave of nausea hit me and I fell to the ground, and I heaved, though nothing was there to expel.
"Heather?" Carol knelt down beside me and ran a hand over my forehead.
"She's hotter than a pig on a spit. We should see if Hershel would let her rest inside," I heard Carol continue, and I felt the two women lift me, placing my arms round their shoulders.
"I'm so sorry Daryl," I cried again, and unexplainable pain nearly ripping my heart in two. I'd been here before. I'd felt this pain before.
I woke again, choking on saliva and I sat upright, coughing raspily.
"Keep it down," the familiar gruff voice said from next to me, and I wrenched my neck around to see Daryl laying next to me. We were in a bedroom in the farm house, and though I had no recollection of getting here, I was glad for the cool, crisp sheets and the open window that blew in a calming breeze from outside. Night had fallen, and the weather cooled.
"what the hell happened to you?" I said, as I finally took in the man before me. He wore a bandage on his head, and he was bruised and scraped up on almost his entire body.
"Long story short, I went crazy in the woods, took an arrow to the side, made my way back, but I looked so fucked up, Andrea shot me when she saw me. Thought I was a walker." He said casually, like this was a normal occurrence.
"What the actual fuck are you talking about?"
"I don't know," Daryl said, and we both started laughing. I saw bottles of antibiotics, pain meds, and sedatives lying on the night stand next to the bed, and I figured that was why I felt high as a freaking kite. Daryl looked how I felt; absolutely dreadful, like he'd been drug through a hedge backwards.
There was a knock at the door, and Carol came in carrying a tray with two plates full of food.
"How're you feelin'?" she asked Daryl first, understandably.
"As good as I look," Daryl said, pulling the sheet up to his chest.
"Just brought y'all some food. Figured you'd be hungry. You feelin' better, Heather?" she asked me, and I replied with a quick nod.
"What happened to me anyway?" I asked, realizing that I had no clue what had gone on today.
"Hershel said you're dehydrated, along with what he's assuming is anxiety. You had a fever, but I'm thinkin' it broke since you been sleeping all day."
"Thanks for the food Carol," I said and offered what smile I could, and as Daryl turned over, I saw brownish welts that covered his back. They had faded with time, but still contrasted from his skin color. Now I realized why he'd pushed me over in the woods that day. I'd triggered something in him.
Carol made to leave after smiling at us both, but stopped abruptly.
"Just so you know, Daryl, you did more for Sophia today than her daddy ever did for her her whole life," she said, sniffling.
"Rick or Shane woulda done the same thing," he said.
"I know. You're every bit as good as they are," and she leaned down, placing a quick peck on his forehead.
As Carol left, silence descended on us once again.
"Whatchoo lookin' at?" he said, somehow aware of my eyes on him even though he faced the other way.
"Nothing," I said, for once with nothing else to say.