A/N: Happy November, duckies.

This fic (and this author!) got so much love in the TwiFic Fandom Awards. Thank you so much for all your love and support.

If you're so inclined, I'll be posting a link to the polls when they're ready. Mwah.

Sitting down to breakfast, Edward laughed. It was a tired, bitter sound, but that characterized most his laughs the last few months. He rubbed his eyes.

"What's so funny?" Carlisle asked, sitting across from him at their kitchen table. He set a plate of breakfast in front of Edward.

"I have Tom Hank's voice in my head." Edward sat up straighter and pulled his breakfast toward him. It smelled delicious, and his stomach rumbled. "You know that speech from Sleepless in Seattle? After a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning."

Carlisle huffed. "Then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect," he said, finishing the quote.

Edward met his eyes and smiled. He stabbed at his eggs. "I don't have to remind myself to eat anymore. I'm hungry. Things taste good again." He let his eyes meet his husband's. "I have cravings again."

A flicker went through Carlisle's eyes. Understanding, Edward thought. But it was gone as quickly as he'd seen it. Carlisle dragged a bit of pancake through a sea of buttery syrup. "I was craving machaca the other day. You have Sunday off. Maybe we can go to the Mexican place, hmm?"

Edward ducked his head, chewing his bacon to cover disappointment. No, this was worse than disappointment. He searched for the word as he tried to swallow the eggs that had become ash in his mouth.

Crestfallen. That might work. It was sufficiently dramatic. And it was better than naming the cloying, nerve-wracking feeling that was making his skin crawl.

He and his husband weren't on the same page. They hadn't been since at least his birthday a month and a half ago.

The more rational part of him wagged a finger. Why play games? He should come right out and say what he wanted, what he was thinking. Why would he expect Carlisle to read his mind?

Because he always had before. Because they'd been that close for so long, Edward didn't remember a time when they weren't. Wasn't that what had made them special? What made them work so well?

A soft touch to his cheek drew Edward out of his anxiety-ridden thoughts. He looked up to find Carlisle looking at him. There was concern in his eyes, but also tenderness. "Are you okay?"

Edward sighed and tilted his head into Carlisle's palm. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking about the thing this weekend. It's been a while."

Carlisle stood and sat down in the chair beside Edward. He wrapped an arm around him and guided Edward's head to his shoulder. He kissed his temple. "Don't worry, baby boy. You'll be the handsomest man in the room. You always are."

Edward snorted, and he let himself relax further into his husband's embrace. He was glad he'd caught himself before he acted the fool, started a fight they really didn't need. Healing was hard enough without needless insecurities.

~0~

In the eight months they had their children, Carlisle and Edward hadn't gone to any extracurricular events on their own. In any given year, they could be expected to be invited to handful of events-this award presentation, that benefit gala. Carlisle was in a place in his career where he was asked to speak on occasion. On top of being a gifted, respected surgeon, he was well-known for his generous charity work. But they'd turned down every invitation they got, opting to spend more time with their kids.

As Carlisle stepped out of the shower, he wondered if it was a blessing or a curse that he had no memories to associate with nights like tonight. On the one hand, there were no memories to weigh down his heart. This was something they'd done in their lives before the kids.

Therein was the bittersweetness of the moment. This was something they would have gotten around to. Carlisle couldn't help but imagine what it might have been like. He imagined the kids might like to watch them get ready. Riley always had so many questions. Or perhaps he would have been angry that he was missing out on their grown-up fun. He might be sitting on their bed, scowling with classic Riley ferocity.

They would have promised he could have a suit of his own, just like his daddies. Garrett and Kate were getting married in another couple of months. Edward would have promised he would teach Riley to tie a tie so he wouldn't be as defective as Carlisle.

Maybe by now, baby Bree would have been old enough that she would be chattering with her own questions. Or she would just be watching them from her mat on the floor, occasionally calling for their attention to show them her toys or just collect a quick cuddle.

Carlisle finished toweling himself off and sighed. What was worse-aching memories or his own imagination of things he couldn't have?

As he had been training himself to do, Carlisle made a concerted effort to dwell on the things he could have; the things he did have. When he had his shirt and pants on, he turned and drew his husband to sight never failed to bring a smile to his face. Christ, Edward all spiffied up was a sight to see.

A smirk played at Edward's lips as Carlisle finished buttoning his shirt for him and then smoothed it out. He held out Edward's jacket, helping him slip into it, and buttoned that up too. Then, he smiled. It was a grin unfettered by anything.

Seeing Edward in a suit would never fail to remind Carlisle of their wedding day. There was nothing bittersweet about those memories. He remembered how, though both of them were good dancers, they were content to merely sway in each other's arms for several songs. Neither of them could stop smiling.

In present time, Edward chuckled. His hand was warm at Carlisle's side, just touching him, holding him. "I have a question."

Carlisle raised his head to meet his eyes and quirked an eyebrow, already amused. "How very unlike you."

Edward reached out and took Carlisle's tie from where it sat on the counter. He hung it around his neck and began to tie it. Just as it had years before-the night everything had changed for them-the air around them charged. Carlisle felt his throat go dry, and Edward swallowed hard. "It shouldn't be too long before I'm the prestigious doctor with all the accolades," Edward said, his voice quite a bit huskier than it had been a minute before. He tightened the knot of Carlisle's tie and smoothed it down, letting his hand linger on his chest. "Will that make you my arm candy?"

Carlisle had to laugh. He turned out of Edward's hold and glanced in the mirror, finger-combing his hair. A disquieting emotion rumbled in the pit of his belly. "I think I'm too old to make a good trophy husband."

Edward snorted. He stepped up behind Carlisle and held his head up and forward. "You're so full of shit. Look at you." He wrapped his arms around Carlisle's chest, resting a hand over his heart. "They all still want you, you know," he said, meeting Carlisle's eyes in the mirror. "I see the way they look at you." He kissed his ear. "But I'm the only one who gets to touch you."

Carlisle turned his head and kissed Edward. It was a possessive kiss. Yes, he was only Edward's and Edward was only his. This thing they were going through was so big-bigger than him. His love for his husband was the only thing as big as his pain. Maybe bigger.

Maybe.

Carlisle pulled away, swallowing a small groan at the back of his throat. He leaned his forehead against Edward's and closed his eyes. "We have to go."

Edward was quiet for another moment. Carlisle thought he heard him sigh. "Yeah. Okay."

~0~

Listening to Carlisle talk shop had always been one of Edward's favorite things. It always had been. Carlisle was ridiculously good-looking, and, having eyes, Edward had noticed that first. But what had sparked his initial crush was his mind. Though many attendings considered their interns as merely students-only capable of learning-Carlisle had taken the time to discuss with Edward, consider his theories.

At the benefit gala, Edward sat back. It happened fairly often that the older doctors-more Carlisle's colleagues than his-left him out of the conversation. In their eyes, he was more like their pretty, supportive wives and husbands than he was one of them.

Edward knew how to insert himself in the conversation when he wanted and knew Carlisle would support him if he did, but tonight, he didn't want to. He wanted to watch and admire. He loved seeing his husband in his element.

It was such a turn on.

As he spoke, Carlisle kept his hand on Edward's knee or at his back. He stroked absently, remaining connected to Edward even though he was involved in his conversation. That felt good too. He liked the reassurance that they were still part of a unit.

When dinner was served, Edward allowed himself to be drawn into the conversation, reminding the others that he was a doctor too. A good one. A good surgeon-every bit Carlisle's equal even if he hadn't put in the same amount of time.

Dinner was good. The wine was even better. Edward liked this part-where everyone in the room relaxed. Laughter rang out from all the conversations around.

It was so good to see Carlisle relaxed. He'd draped his arm around Edward's shoulders ages before and now drew him in for a playful kiss.

Christ, it had been so long since they were this light. Edward had to resist the urge to giggle at the wave of giddiness that washed over him. He settled for a wide grin as he kissed him back. Edward let his hand drift ever so slightly up Carlisle's leg, his fingers brushing the inside of his thigh. His kisses tasted like wine and the sweet sauce from the chicken. Intoxicating.

Carlisle broke their kiss with a gasp. Better, Edward thought. That kiss was getting too risqué for public. They weren't the only couple getting somewhat handsy.

Of course, they might have been the only couple for whom this was an unprecedented event of late. "Can we get out of here?" Edward asked, hoping against hope he was reading the situation right.

When Carlisle opened his eyes, the lust there was clear. A jolt went down Edward's spine, and he shifted in his seat to alleviate the sudden pressure at his crotch. Carlisle nodded and stood, bringing Edward up with him. "Let's go."

They held hands all the way to the door. There were taxis available to take the guests home. As soon as they were in the backseat, Edward splayed his hand over Carlisle's chest, and stretched over to kiss him. Carlisle put his hand over Edward's and tilted his head down to catch his lips.

Their kisses were slow, sensual, their hands brushing rather than groping. They weren't trying to scar the cabbie for life. Also, as hungry as he was for Carlisle, as much as he wanted to rip his husband's clothes off right there, Edward also felt strangely shy. Just like on his birthday, there was a newness to their touches; as though they were discovering each other all over again.

Carlisle hadn't been ready on his birthday, and Edward could understand that. He seemed to be responding better tonight. Even in the back of the cab, he was already playing at the buttons of Edward's shirt, squeezing his side with intent.

When the cab dropped them off, they went up the walk together, hand in hand, stopping every few steps to kiss. After he opened the door, Carlisle grabbed Edward by the shirt and hauled him inside. Not rough; just eager.

They stumble-walked together, up the stairs to their bedroom, shedding jackets and shirts. When they were in their room Edward let his hand drift down Carlisle's chest to his belly. Then, he cupped Carlisle between his legs.

Carlisle sucked in a breath, breaking their kiss and lurching out of Edward's hold. He put a hand to his heart and leaned with his other hand against the wall, his head bowed. Edward blinked, trying to come to figure out what had happened.

"Carlisle?" Edward said. He took a step forward, but his husband held his hand out, palm up, stopping him. "What's going on? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Fuck," Carlisle said under his breath, not looking at him. "I'm… I'm fine. I mean, there's nothing wrong with me. Well-"

"Tell me what I did," Edward said. He was confused. Carlisle was obviously in some kind of distress, but he didn't understand what happened.

Carlisle shook his head. "You didn't do anything, Edward. It's not you at all. I just… I…" He pressed the heels of both of his hands against his forehead. "I'm sorry. I need to… I need to stop."

By then, Edward had figured out that was coming. He sat on the edge of the bed and tried to dissect what he was feeling before he spoke. What he wanted was to be the picture of understanding. He was disappointed; of course he was disappointed, but that shouldn't have mattered. Carlisle didn't owe him sex, and as he'd told him on his birthday, he didn't want his husband doing anything he wasn't completely comfortable with.

No, it wasn't the disappointment that was bothering him the most. There was something else going on here. Something Carlisle wasn't talking to him about, and that was terrifying. So many months had passed as they tried to figure out which way was up. Edward's primary mode had been out of sorts at best, but this…

He needed to know where he stood with this, and he needed to know now. He looked down at his feet and tried to calm his erratic heartbeat. "I need to ask you something," he said, his voice clipped. "And I need you to be honest with me no matter what the answer is."

When he chanced a glance, Edward saw Carlisle still wasn't looking at him. He was leaning with his back against the wall, his head tilted slightly back, his eyes closed. Edward clenched his fists on his knees and forced himself to continue. His voice trembled when he spoke. "I need to know if you're still attracted to me."

Carlisle took a sharp breath. "Edward-"

"I know you love me," Edward said in a rush. "I know that. And I know we've both kind of been basketcases trying to deal with everything." He swallowed hard, his heart aching. "But Carlisle, none of that has stopped how I feel about you. It hasn't stopped that I want to express how I feel physically. I miss you." Neediness had begun to creep into his voice. "If you don't miss me like that, if you don't want me-"

"Christ, Edward. No." Carlisle was shaking his head emphatically, but he hadn't moved, and he still wasn't looking at Edward. "How can you even think that?"

"What the hell am I supposed to think? Every time I touch you, you end up running away like you're in pain. It seems like you're forcing yourself to try with me. Like you can't...you can't-"

"I can't."

Edward had never heard Carlisle's voice sound so twisted and desperate before. He looked and found Carlisle was staring at him, the expression on his face tortured. He took a shuddering breath. "It's not you. I want you. I'll always want you, but I can't. I can't…" He made a vague gesture downward with one hand. "I can't," he said again, his eyes begging Edward to understand.

It took one, two, three seconds for understanding to sink in. "Oh," he said softly, stunned.

Carlisle let out a ragged breath and slid down the wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hung his head, tangling his fingers in his hair.

His husband's dejected misery snapped Edward out of his surprise. He went to Carlisle and sat beside him. When Edward put his arm around him, Carlisle stiffened. He relaxed with a huff but didn't look up or move out of his stooped pose.

Edward ran his fingers through Carlisle's hair, working his way under his tightly clenched fists. "Hey. Baby, it's okay."

Carlisle laughed, completely without humor. "It's not," he said with a groan. "It's really not."

"I mean that's something we can deal with." Edward rubbed his shoulder. "There's no shame in it." He tilted his head to lean against Carlisle's. "It happens. You know, usually it's a mental thing."

"Don't fucking diagnose me," Carlisle snapped. Then he sighed, and his shoulders slumped. "I know it's a mental thing."

Edward's heart twisted. He hated that Carlisle had been going through this on his own. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You've had enough to deal with."

"Come on. I know you don't believe that." He brushed his hair back. "We took a bunch of vows saying we promised to go through these kinds of things together, remember?"

Carlisle raised his head, but he stared forward. "I know," he said quietly. He took several deep breaths, and when he spoke again, his voice shook. "I haven't wanted to think about it. What it means."

"It doesn't have to mean anything big. There are meds while we work through whatever else is going on."

"You don't understand." Carlisle's voice cracked. "This… this could cost me everything. It could cost me you."

Fear shot down Edward's spine. Carlisle believed what he was saying absolutely. "No. No, it can't." He tightened his hold on his husband, giving him a small shake. "Carlisle, you can't possibly believe I'd leave you over something like this. That's-"

"You don't understand," Carlisle said, his voice small and broken.

"Then talk to me. Tell me."

Carlisle wiped away a tear that had gathered at the edge of his eye. "I can't tell you right now." He angled his body toward Edward and raised his eyes. He looked defeated and fragile-unlike Edward had ever seen him before, even after they lost the kids.

"I'm not drunk, but I've had too much wine to have this conversation," Carlisle said. "I know that's not fair." He took Edward's face in his hands, his eyes looking over his features as though he were precious. Finally, he looked him in the eyes. "Is it enough for tonight that you know it's not that I don't want you? You don't know how much I want you. I love you so much, Edward. And I need you."

Edward wrapped his arms around Carlisle, tangling him up in his embrace. He was scared. Maybe more scared than he'd ever been. He was scared that Carlisle was right, that they were on the edge of losing them, and his own helplessness frustrated the hell out of him. He'd never let go of them without a fight. That was what he wanted-to fight. He would fight with everything he had, but Carlisle wasn't telling him what the enemy was.

What he really wanted was what he was used to-Carlisle concentrated on him; what he needed. He wanted Carlisle to say they were okay, because Edward needed that safety and security. That was the gift Carlisle gave him over and over-the ability to place his trust, all of who he was in his hands.

Edward was damn well going to return the favor the one time his husband asked for it. He blew out a breath and let go of the million questions and fears he had for the time being. "Whatever you need," he said, cupping his hand around the back of Carlisle's neck. "Tell me."

Carlisle shifted closer and pressed an open mouthed kiss to Edward's cheek. "Just you with me," he whispered. "Please."

It killed Edward that he thought he had to ask, to beg for something that had been his for years. How the hell had Edward missed that Carlisle was this far gone, this shaken?

He braced his arm around Carlisle and tugged upward. They stood, and Edward led him to their bed. He sat him down and only left him long enough to get pajama pants for both of them. They changed, and Edward lifted the blankets for Carlisle to climb in. Then, he climbed in beside him, wrapped him up in his arms, and kissed him softly, without intent, until they both fell asleep.

A/N: So many thanks to barburella, songster, MoH, and Packy for the constant love and support...even though I drive them to drink and gorge on chocolate. Apparently.