September 28, 2013

Ziva is pacing. She has been for several hours. It is two in the afternoon. She turns and continues pacing. She is tense, more tense than she has ever felt in her whole life; even more tense than the first "adult" mission she was forced into for Mossad. She had refused many, but by the time she was sixteen, she had long passed warnings and a few punishments and she could no longer refuse.

Ziva had messaged Tony first thing when she had woken up. He had sent back a short reply and she had waited since. Talking to Gibbs. Basement. Will call when I'm home again. She has been waiting now for six agonizing hours, and she is tense and beginning to worry.

How much has Tony needed to say to Gibbs that Gibbs doesn't already know or guess? What could Gibbs need to talk to Tony so long about? Gibbs doesn't like talking much and dislikes details more than he dislikes talking. What is holding them up? Has Gibbs asked Tony to go into work?

Ziva turns and continues her pacing. Her hands squeeze her sides tightly and her breath is coming up short. Ever since Somalia she has had trouble controlling the panic that has always settled inside of her during times of uncertainty. She stops pacing and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath and feeling her body tremble and shudder as she allows her overwhelming worry to come out in the form of tears.

Ziva quickly wipes her eyes and takes another deep breath, thankful for that first time she allowed Tony to comfort her panicking back in Paris. It has taught her a different method of control and also how to let go in the process. As she regains control and confidence, her phone is vibrating on her table. Once. Twice. That's it. It's a text message. She goes to it and looks at it carefully.

Sorry it took so long. Was at the office. Be home in five to call you properly.

Ziva lets out a breath and sighs with relief. She was worrying over nothing. Nothing is wrong. Comfort washes over Ziva and she picks up her tea, and goes toward her bed, setting her tea on the bed-side table. Only a minute later an icon pops up with an incoming call from Tony. She clicks it and sighs with relief again.

"You were worrying," Tony says seriously. "I'm sorry. I should have told you I was going in. I didn't mean to worry you."

"It is not your fault Tony," Ziva responds quietly. "I had no reason to worry."

"But don't you?" Tony asks seriously, his eyes widened a little in his sincerity and knowledge of his former partner.

Ziva is taken off-guard by the change in the conversation, but she doesn't hesitate in giving Tony an honest answer. Now that she has opened up to him, she doesn't remember how she shut him out for so long and doesn't think it's possibly anymore.

"Yes, Tony. I do have a reason to worry. I have someone very important to worry about," she answers without any hesitation, thought, or guard on the emotions on her face.

Now Tony is taken off his guard. It is obvious on his face. He looks shocked, like he did not expect such an open and honest answer so easily and so quickly. Ziva smiles and Tony returns the smile, but not returning with any comment or remark. So, Ziva speaks again, keeping the opening trend going.

"I have always worried about you when we are apart, and it has only grown with the years and emotions that have grown," she says. "The trust I have for you is something I have never experienced before you, and what I feel for you... it is..."

Now she is hesitant, but only because she is uncertain of how to describe her love for him. This is something, after all, where she lacks experience and feels especially vulnerable.

"Unrivaled?" Tony offers for her and she nods eagerly, glad that even from a distance he understands what her eyes are saying when her brain doesn't know how to form the words. "Someone I know you can trust should be there in the next couple of days with something for you. I know nothing else other than that. Gibbs is keeping me in the dark as much as he can. He said it's better that information and knowledge is scattered and fewer people know fewer details. He has given McGee and Abby the links you gave us and they are checking them now. They were told that it was an anonymous source. Ducky is working a new profile with the new information."

"Thank you," Ziva tells him, her eyes and heart filling with gratitude and love. "How much did you have to tell Gibbs?"

"No more than he knew from you. That I was there when he called and I tried to convince you to come home. I told him none of us were safe and you needed a way to come back home safely," Tony informs her, his voice quiet. "I don't know how much he has guessed aside from that and he hasn't made any indication about it, other than my lack of involvement in this case."

"Then he knows more than he is letting on," Ziva says, wondering how much it could be. Ziva knows his rules and one of them is to never get personally involved in a case, and Tony would surely do that and everyone knows this. She remembers what he said after they came home from the hospital after the car crash.

April 30, 2013

"Why do you insist on still getting involved with this, Tony? I am fine!" Ziva snaps since he is still insisting on aiding her with or without her consent. "Gibbs always says do not get personally involved, and you obviously are!"

"When it comes to you, I will always take it personally," he says with a dark look on his face, his voice filled with frustration and anger in his eyes. "I always have, and I always will. That's the way it will be, whether you like it or not. I wasn't exactly given a choice about it, it just happened that way!"

"And you have, perhaps, forgotten how to control yourself?" Ziva replies, her tone like acid burning through his heart and angering him further as she forcibly pushes him away and fights the emotions that could have gotten them killed.

"I lost that ability when you were taken captive by that monster of a terrorist in the Sahara Desert," Tony mutters with too much honesty sprinkled across his features, speaking his mind again and spilling more of his heart into the open.

She is taken aback by what she hears. Yes, they discussed her time in Somalia. But never did she consider what that time had done to Tony, though she had heard it from Abby, McGee, and Ducky. She never processed what it meant and now it hits her like a ton of bricks. The wind is knocked out of her and her heart sinks as she realizes what it would be like, considering she was pushing him away to keep him safe from harm. She is being selfish by protecting him, because she never wants to find out what it's like to live without him, and realizes that he already knows what it's like to live while thinking she is gone.

Ziva can't respond with words. She doesn't know how, or even what might be said. She resorts to old methods and allows her eyes and body-language to talk for her. She steps to him and hugs him, holding him tight with her realization that he simply doesn't want to lose her. A tear escapes her eye and is caught by his shirt and she knows he knows it's there; his arms tighten around her.