Chapter 10

Buffy laid in the bed with Drew and watched him sleep. She was constantly checking for his breathing and listening for his heartbeat. He was so frail looking. The chemo had really done a number on him and he'd lost a lot of weight and muscle mass along with his hair.

"Baby, it's starting to creep me out." Drew said quietly, opening his eyes.

"Sorry." Buffy said.

He smiled. "It's ok. I understand."

She nodded slightly, still watching. "Do you need anything?"

Drew smiled. "Seems I've woken up with a taste for some ice cream."

"Oh, I haven't been shopping."

"Will you go and get me some?"

"Oh, uh…."

"I'll be fine, baby. I'm not going anywhere today."

"But…."

"Cal's right down the hall and you've got your cell phone. I haven't forgotten the number."

Buffy sighed. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Ok." She kissed him gently. "I'll be right back. I promise."

"Don't hurry yourself. I'll be ok." As soon as she was gone, he pulled himself up and to the edge of the bed. It took him a long moment, but he finally managed to get to the closet and pull out the shoebox. He pulled out a piece of stationary and sat back down. It took him twenty minutes to write the final letter and another ten to put it back in the closet. He had tears in his eyes when Buffy finally came back.

"Drew…."

"Sorry. I was just thinking about you."

"And it made you cry?"

"Tears of joy. You make me so happy, Buffy. You'll never know just how happy." Buffy started to cry herself and she dropped the ice cream to fold herself in his arms.

Angel stood outside the auditorium and waited for the graduates to come out into the freezing December weather. Buffy had cried through the entire ceremony and had had to go reapply her makeup. She thought she would've made it out before the graduates, but she'd been wrong. When she came out of the bathroom, Dawn had already found Angel, and Willow, Xander, and Sandra had found them. She took a deep breath and walked up to the group.

"Buffy." Xander said. Willow didn't say anything and Sandra just smiled at her.

Dawn rounded on her sister. "I didn't think you were going to show."

Buffy couldn't think of anything to say but, "Yeah."

"God, what is your problem?! No one's heard from you in two months! Why? Was it because we were finding happiness in our lives and you weren't the center of attention anymore?"

Buffy nodded. "Yeah."

"Really?" Dawn started to cry and she hugged her sister tightly. "Oh, I didn't mean to be such a bitch. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I was the one being a bitch."

"No. No." Xander said, suddenly joining the hug. "You were hurting and we were insensitive. We should've thought."

"Yeah, we just kinda expected you to hurt for a few months and then you'd be ok again." Dawn said. "We shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have expected that."

"It's ok." Buffy said. "I've been really selfish lately."

"No, you should be selfish, Buffy." Willow said, joining the group hug. "You lost your husband. That takes a lot to get over."

"Dawn's right." Xander said. "We shouldn't have expected you to get over that so quickly."

"I missed you guys." Buffy said, holding on to her friends and her sister tightly.

"We missed you too." Willow cried.

"Dawnie, I'm so proud of you." Buffy hugged her sister. "Mom would be so happy right now."

"I wish she and Drew could be here." Dawn said.

"Me too."

"Guys, we'd like to get some pictures in." Sandra said.

"Oh, I need to fix my makeup again!"

"I'll come with. Mine probably looks horrendous!" Dawn said.

Willow laughed. "Make that three."

"Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom's backstage." Dawn led the way to the bathrooms only the graduates were supposed to use.

Everyone went back to Buffy's apartment to talk and take more pictures. When they got there, the entire place was decorated in graduation favors. Cal and Gillian were putting the finishing touches on the dining room table. There were all different kinds of food platters and hors-d'oeuvres sitting on the table and in the middle was a cake that said, Congratulations Dawn! I'm so proud of you! Love Drew.

"Did you do this?" Buffy asked Cal.

Cal held out a letter to Buffy.

Bro!

We've had some crazy times, huh? I'm already missing you. So, I've got a favor to ask of you. It's a big one, so you might want to sit down.

I need Buffy to know that she'll be ok without me and that not all the men in her life will leave her. It's unfortunate that I'm helping her belief in that, but I can't change what's happening to me. God knows I would if I could. I hate that I can't change it and it scares me to know that I'm not going to be there for…. Well, everything!

Anyway, my favor.

I've put together some things for my wife and I need you to deliver them for me. There's one in there that I know you're not going to understand, but I just need you to do it anyway. For me. And for Buffy. Everything's enclosed in this package. Receipts for everything I've bought. Instructions for what needs to be done. Everything. And please don't spoil it and tell her about this. I want it all to be a surprise.

Thanks for being the brother I never had. I love you, Cal. You're my best friend.

Always,

Drew

Buffy looked up at Cal. "It was you!?"

Cal nodded and pulled an envelope out of his back pocket and handed it to her. "It's the last one. I've got the party covered down here. You go read this somewhere quiet."

"Thank you." Buffy kissed Cal's cheek and headed upstairs. She went out onto her balcony and sat in the chair Drew had always occupied. She ran her fingers over the dried ink and in her mind, she could see him writing this. When he was concentrating on his writing, his tongue stuck out the side of his lips, he always had to push his reading glasses up his nose, and all he could see was that piece of paper until he was done. She'd thought it was too adorable.

Slowly, Buffy took the stationary paper out of the envelope and ran her fingers over all the words. This was the last thing Drew would ever give her. This was the last thing she would ever see new of his writing. Finally, she took a deep breath and started reading. It took her a few minutes because she kept getting too teared up to even see to read.

After she'd finished reading, Buffy looked up from her letter with the tears falling down her cheeks to find Angel standing in the doorway to the balcony. Her breath caught at the sight of him.

"Caleb said you'd be up here." He said quietly. She just nodded in wonderment. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course you can."

"What I said last night…. About not being alone. I didn't always believe that, you know." Angel sat down in the other chair.

"Really?"

"I used to believe that if we were all alone, then at least we were all together in that."

"That's a good thing to believe. Why did you stop believing in it?"

"You walked into my life and everything changed. I didn't want to be alone anymore." Buffy smiled slightly. "I'm sorry. I know you're grieving Drew and I shouldn't be saying these things."

"It's ok, Angel." She handed the letter over to him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Angel took a deep breath and read aloud.

"My dearest Buffy,

I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream for us and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you.

It isn't to go down memory lane or make you build a new closet out of one of the guest bedrooms. You can take care of yourself without any help from me.

It's to tell you how much you move me. How you changed me. In the short time we knew each other, you made me a man by loving me Buffy. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally.

If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes.

Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I? You made my life, Buffy. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise.

So here it comes: The Big One.

Don't be afraid to find great love again. It's always been right in front of you.

You just have to look up.

Forever yours,

Drew Turner

And by the way, I will always love you."

Angel took another deep breath and looked up at Buffy. She was watching him intently, waiting for his reaction. "It's not a coincidence that you were the one standing there when I looked up, is it?" She asked finally, taking his hands in hers.

"Buffy, if this isn't what you want…."

"Angel, you should know by now that I don't know what I want half the time. What about you?"

"I know what I want…. Because I'm holding it in my hands right now. I know it's cliché, but you're all I've ever wanted. I meant what I said last night. I'm not going anywhere."

Buffy nodded. "Can we just stay the way we've been going…. Just for right now, I mean?"

"I'm not going to push you into anything you're not ready for."

"Thank you."

"I've waited years for you, Buffy. Another two or three isn't going to make much of a difference. Especially if you're here and I can hold you." Buffy smiled gratefully before a sad look came over her face. "What's wrong?"

Buffy sighed. "It's been a year." She looked around at the neighborhood she and Drew had called home. She felt the memories come over her of everything they'd shared together. She felt the love of a man she'd loved with all her heart and soul. She felt all the happiness and the sorrow and the grief of one lifetime. But there was one thing missing from everything. "I don't feel him anymore. I used to feel him near me, especially when I was holding one of his letters. But he's gone now. He's really gone."

"Are you ok with that?"

"I don't know." Buffy looked back at Angel. "I guess we'll find out."

Epilogue

Buffy sat next to her dead husband's grave and listened to the sounds of the night around her. It had been four years since he'd passed away and left her in a state of misery she'd never known before. But he'd found a way to help her through. He'd found a way to give her the life they'd been denied.

She clutched the letter she'd written to him in her hand and read through it one more time before putting it on his headstone along with the black magic roses she put there every year on his birthday and on their anniversary.

My dearest Drew,

Thank you for the honor of being my husband. You brought a light into my so dark world when I needed it the most…. Twice. Even though we only had six short years together, you showed me a lifetime of love that I never thought was possible for me.

You said you wanted me to find great love again and all I had to do was look up. You were right. I looked up and Angel was there…. Because of you. We're still going strong with plans for a wedding next year and eventually kids after that in a big house on Staten Island.

Some people look down on my decision to start a relationship with Angel again after you had only been gone a year, but you were right. This is my one and only life. It's a great and terrible and short and endless thing and none of us come out of it alive. So, I won't apologize for finding love again because you told me it was ok. I'm doing what you asked of me and looking at myself through your eyes. I'm being brave. I'm being sure of myself. And I'm trying not to lose faith in anything.

Thank you Drew. You were my best friend, you were my husband, you were my confidant, you were my shoulder to cry on, you were my rock to lean on, you were my lover….

You were my world.

Forever in your debt,

Buffy Turner

And by the way…. Guess what?